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5 WAYS TO CRUSH A NARCISSIST IN NEGOTIATION - YouTube
Channel: Rebecca Zung
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are you doing battle with a narcissist
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maybe you're getting a divorce from them
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maybe you're dissolving a business
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relationship maybe it's just trying to
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get that the hell out of your life you
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know a neighbor a family member whoever
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it is
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stay tuned to find out five ways to beat
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them at their own game and preserve your
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sanity along the way hi I'm Rebecca song
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top 1% divorce attorney and the
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best-selling author of the books
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negotiate like you matter in breaking
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free a step by step divorce guide and
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I've helped thousands of people just
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like you in my law practice go from
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lives of drama trauma and chaos to step
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into lives of freedom possibility and
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purpose and I give you all my secrets
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tips and tricks right here in these
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videos so make sure you hit that
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subscribe button hit that little
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notification bell so that you can be
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notified every single time I upload a
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brand new video so if you're dealing
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with a narcissist be it a covert
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narcissist a grandiose narcissist or a
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malignant narcissist they engage in all
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kinds of behaviors even while you are
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just in a relationship with them they're
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gaslighting you they're lying to you
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they're manipulating you
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you know perhaps even being abusive more
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than more than likely they're being
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abusive
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some are sneaky or at it than others
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covert narcissists in particular are
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very sneaky at it and so if you are
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dealing with a covert narcissist
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I have several videos on covert
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narcissist including why covert
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narcissists are dangerous and the covert
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passive-aggressive narcissist and you're
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gonna want to check out those videos for
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sure if you're dealing with covert
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narcissist but whatever kind of
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narcissist you're dealing with they are
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being they're narcissist selves the
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entire time that you're in a
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relationship with them so there are
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different there are three phases to a
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narcissist
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relationship it's love bombing devaluing
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and discarding and remember that the the
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phases of the relationship don't
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actually happen in a linear fashion they
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happen at the same time sometimes they
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can be devaluing you while they're love
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bombing you and in fact there was a
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study done by a psychologist with
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monkeys that showed that if monkeys were
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given a reward for doing something good
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every single time nothing happened in
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their brain but if they were only given
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a reward intermittently variably where
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the monkeys couldn't predict when they
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were going to get this reward the the
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dopamine levels in their brain actually
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rose to the level of someone on cocaine
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and that's what happens with a
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relationship with narcissus they go back
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and forth the narcissists go back and
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forth between love bombing and devaluing
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and love bombing and evaluate and so you
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are left with almost being addicted to
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in a physiological way to wanting their
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praise to wanting that that love bomb
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because they start out so charming and
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they really try to set themselves up to
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be the perfect person for you and hold
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out all these things that they're gonna
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do for you or even do things for you
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right at that time I mean if you ever
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watched the dirty Jon miniseries you you
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recall that that guy was just setting
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himself to be / up to be perfect for
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this successful single businesswoman he
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was getting her dry cleaning and making
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smoothies for her in the morning and all
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these things at the same time that he
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was isolating her from her family and
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turning people against her so you know
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they go through these phases of the
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relationship so what happens when you
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are doing battle with a narcissist
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is they just become that same person but
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on steroids so it's so much worse they
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turn up the heat because unfortunately
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for narcissus you know you're either for
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them or you're against them they need an
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endless amount of supply and if you are
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cutting off that supply to them then
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they just see you as the enemy and for
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those of you who watch my videos on a
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regular basis you know that I've had to
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work to covert narcissus out of my life
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and it was not an easy thing
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it wasn't husband's but it was people
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that were close to me and close enough
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to do serious damage and cause lots and
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lots of trauma and you know I'm telling
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you that if it can happen to me it can
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happen to anyone
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narcissus says have a symbiotic
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relationship with empaths and you know
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narcissus see that empaths have the
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qualities that they want and empaths you
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know we just think that we can love
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everybody back to health and you know
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that we have enough love to give and it
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just ends up being this black hole and
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so they they literally you know they're
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often called
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energy vampires or leeches or parasites
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or whatever but they do they literally
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suck the life out of you and it's almost
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like death by a thousand cuts and so
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when you go to do battle with a
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narcissist they're literally turning up
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the heat because now you're the enemy
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now you no longer have any value for
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them so there's no like a reasonable
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person those of us who are in reasonable
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land we think oh we can just walk away
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and wish each other well and we'll come
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up with an agreement that's reasonable
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and hey the law provides for certain
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things and you know depending on what
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kind of battle you're doing within our
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success but um you can't that's not how
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it goes within our success so if you're
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getting ready to do battle or you're in
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the trenches of doing battle with a
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narcissus there are a few things that
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you can do to beat them at their own
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game
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and preserve your own sanity along the
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way the first thing is don't allow them
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to disrespect you when you allow them to
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disrespect you you're basically giving
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them permission to do that and they know
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how to push your buttons let me tell you
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I mean especially if you've been in a
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long-term relationship with this person
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they've studied you they know exactly
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what your weaknesses are and so that's
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where they're gonna go they're going
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right there
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to to try to make you look as bad as
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possible everything you say or do is
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going to be turned against you used
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against you twisted manipulated so what
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you're gonna have to do is just maintain
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your own level of dignity maintain your
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own level of respect and demand respect
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from them if they are screaming yelling
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trying to talk to you in a way that's
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overly emotional and they're not in
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control they want you to be out of
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control too because they get supply they
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get narcissistic supply by seeing you
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squirm so by just maintaining that hey
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we're not gonna have this conversation
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you're not being respectful to me this
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is not productive we'll have this
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conversation when you can be respectful
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to me you know same thing if they are
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lighting you up in text messages or
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lighting you up in emails and saying all
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sorts of disrespectful things you can
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just simply respond and say I just agree
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with what you're saying please do not
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speak to me that way it is disrespectful
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and you know and then respond to the
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parts of it that you might have to
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respond to like what time you're picking
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up the kids or something like that but
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other than that you're not going to get
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into the trenches with them and sling
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that same sort of mud you're gonna
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demand respect from them and you're
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gonna condition them that that's this is
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how it's gonna go if you
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if they want you to interact with them
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they're gonna have to respect you and
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it's gonna drive them insane when you do
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that believe me okay the next thing that
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you can do is document document document
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and we cannot say this enough those of
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us who are in this field and
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professionals in this area it just you
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just never know what's going to end up
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being your leverage and when you're
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dealing with narcissus you have to have
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a super strong strategy and you have to
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be able to create leverage and you know
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I often hear people ask me what is
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leverage what does that look like and
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leverage can be a smoking gun like the
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one thing that for sure the narcissus
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doesn't want anyone to know or it could
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be something like that the narcissist is
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more motivated to resolve your
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differences than you are or it can be a
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an accumulation of things it can be you
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know 15 different text messages that
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show that they're a liar or it can and
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you create an exhibit that shows that
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you know it could be that they didn't
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show up for picking up the kids on time
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20 times in a row or they changed the
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schedule every single time that they
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were supposed to take the kids or
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whatever but you know it could be any
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accumulation of those things and so it's
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really really important to do that
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documentation even if it seems mundane
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you know just keep the app open on your
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you know on your phone the Notes app or
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there's apps where you can actually they
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pay you know to have a documentation
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feature or whatever but basically you
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just don't really know what's going to
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be the pattern that you're gonna be able
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to bring out or what's going to be that
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leverage and you know for sure the
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leverage is always going to be around
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what is their biggest motivation which
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is you know the one thing they don't
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want to come out they it's gonna be
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around
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their ego because the thing about
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narcissus is you know they're just
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always in this mode of self-preservation
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they're actually very easy to figure out
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and narcissists are the most afraid most
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scared little personalities on the
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planet they have fragile egos because
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they have no sense of inner value all of
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their value comes from the external so
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when you are looking at your
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documentation and figuring out what your
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leverage is you're gonna want to think
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about what is their biggest motivation
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what is it that they really don't want
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brought out and what is it that's gonna
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make them look bad because narcissists
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do not want to look back especially in
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front of people that they really respect
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so if somebody is involved they really
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respect such as a mediator or other
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lawyers or the judge especially the
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judge they're not gonna want to look bad
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so document document document everything
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okay you never know when you're gonna
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need it if this is all sounding really
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good to you so far and you are so ready
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to start doing the things that I'm
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telling you to do give me an Amen in the
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comments okay the third thing that you
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can do is figure out what kind of
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narcissist you're dealing with and
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understand what behaviors each one
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engages that so some of it is similar
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all narcissists engage in certain types
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of behaviors like gas lighting and
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manipulation but they do it in subtly
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different ways depending on the type of
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narcissist that you're dealing with
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whether it's covert malignant or
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grandiose and you will want to brush up
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on the different types of narcissus says
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so that you can figure out what kind
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you're dealing with and then find out
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what behaviors they engage in and once
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you do that then you will expect it
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you're gonna go oh there there's that
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person being that covert narky self
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that's what they do
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and you won't take it as personally
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because you'll just understand that
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that's the way they act okay so the
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third thing you can do is figure out
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what kind of narcissist you're dealing
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with brush up on the types of behaviors
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associated with each narcissus and then
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expect them to act like themselves they
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don't change narcissists do not change
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they can pretend like they know like I
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mean they're very good at pretending
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they do know what good behavior looks
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like that's how they were able to rope
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you in in the first place and that's how
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they parade around the world and get
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people to think that they're so great
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especially covert narcissists are really
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really good at that
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but you're gonna want to figure out what
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kind you're dealing with and then not be
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surprised when they just act like
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themselves the fourth thing is when you
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are getting ready to ask for something
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from the narcissist you're gonna want to
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ask for way more than what you actually
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want the narcissus is going to want to
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feel like they beat you like they got to
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you because they get supply from that
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their egos won't allow you to win at
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least on paper so if you are ready to
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just give them a certain amount give
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away a certain amount that you control
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that you decide ahead of time I'm gonna
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be willing to take this much or I'll be
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willing to give up this thing but act
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like it's like the one thing you
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definitely don't want to give up because
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if there's something that's super
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important to you then that's the one
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thing that they're gonna want to make
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sure that you don't get so you're you
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you're kind of playing a game here and I
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call it ethically manipulating the
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manipulator but basically you're gonna
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want to give them certain things that
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you kind of decide ahead of time that
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you're you were willing to give and then
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you know work back to what you actually
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want and then when you get there you
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have to act like
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oh my god I can't believe I had to give
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up so much and this is just awful and oh
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you really took advantage of me and
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whatever but you can just go home and
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smile and pour your champagne or
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whatever and do it in the privacy of
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your own home after you've won the
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things that you wanted and number five
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the last one is I take it from like this
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old commercial never let them see you
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sweat but really you never want to let
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them see you sweat cry get emotional
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lose control then they get supply from
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that if you need to you know cry in the
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bathroom and and then come back out for
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splash water on your face you know if
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you wear makeup and you're female
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whatever you put makeup back on if
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you're a guy just splash water in your
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face comb your hair whatever you need to
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do to just maintain control and never
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let them see that they are getting under
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your skin because as soon as they see
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that then they know they have you if you
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know you're gonna have to interact with
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them you know and let's say it's a
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school meeting or it's a mediation or
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something like that don't get there too
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early get there on time
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don't give them opportunities to grab
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you and try to manipulate you because
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that's when they'll start to get under
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your skin again remember what I said at
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the beginning these narcissists they
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know how to push your buttons so never
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let them see you sweat alright so if you
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are getting ready to negotiate with the
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narcissist make sure you grab my crush
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my negotiation prep worksheet it is
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below it's it's actually a workbook it's
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actually a booklet an e-book it's
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totally free and you will not want to go
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into a mediation or any kind of dispute
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resolution conversation without that in
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your hand and have filled that out so
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make sure you grab that if you are
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dealing with a narcissist and you want
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more support and you want to come
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with others in a private safe way I have
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a free Facebook group it's called
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narcissist negotiators just click the
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link below and join that and you have to
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answer a couple of questions because we
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do want to make sure that we're only
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allowing people in who we're dealing
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with narcissists and if you liked this
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video give it a like give it a share
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drop me a comment let me know that you
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were here and make sure that you hit
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subscribe hit that notification bell so
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that you can be notified every time I
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upload a brand new video I'm Rebekah
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song top 1% divorce attorney and I'm so
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glad that you were here and stop by my
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channel today and remember that today is
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a great day to start negotiating your
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best life I'll see you in the next video
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