🔍
VP Fly Debate Cold Open - SNL - YouTube
Channel: Saturday Night Live
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>>> AND NOW THE THING THAT WILL
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CHANGE EVERYONE'S MINDS.
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THE VICE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE
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[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
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>> I'M SUSAN PAGE AND I MISSED
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BOOK CLUB FOR THIS
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TONIGHT WE'LL BE DISCUSSING A
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WHO CARES NUMBER OF TOPICS, EACH
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LASTING I COULDN'T TELL YOU
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MINUTES.
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BUT ONE THING IS FOR SURE, IF
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ANYTHING'S GOING TO BE TRENDING
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ON TWITTER TONIGHT, IT WILL BE
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ONE OF THE HUMANS INVOLVED IN
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THIS DEBATE.
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LET'S WELCOME THEM NOW
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VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE.
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[ LAUGHTER ]
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AND SENATOR KAMALA HARRIS.
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[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
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♪
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>> OH, THAT'S RIGHT!
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THE SENATOR FROM CALIFORNIA IS
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PRESENT.
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>> THANK YOU, SENATOR.
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TONIGHT YOU'LL NOTICE BETWEEN
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THE CANDIDATES WE'VE INSTALLED
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BUFFET-STYLE SNEEZE GUARDS, ON
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ACCOUNT OF ONE OF YOU WORKS FOR
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PATIENT ZERO
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>> IT'S ACTUALLY FINE BY ME,
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SUZANNE.
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12 FEET APART AND SEPARATED BY
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PLEXIGLASS IS HOW MOTHER AND I
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SLEEP.
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>> MR. VICE PRESIDENT, MY FIRST
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QUESTION IS FOR YOU.
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>> THANK YOU
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>> THE TOPIC IS CORONAVIRUS.
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>> DAMMIT.
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>> NOW, YOU WERE IN CHARGE OF
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THE CORONAVIRUS TASK FORCE, AND
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SINCE YOU TOOK CHARGE, OVER
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200,000 AMERICANS HAVE DIED.
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HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT?
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>> WELL, SUSAN, I'D LIKE TO
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BEGIN BY STALLING, HARD.
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WE'RE IN UTAH, WOW
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WHAT A MAGNIFICENT STATE
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EVEN THOUGH THEIR BASKETBALL
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TEAM IS NAMED AFTER MY GREATEST
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FEAR, JAZZ
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I YIELD THE REMAINDER OF MY
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TIME.
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>> ALL RIGHT
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SENATOR HARRIS
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>> THIS IS WHAT THEY DO,
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SUZANNE.
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THEY AVOID TAKING ANY
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RESPONSIBILITY -
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>> WE DO NOT.
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>> MR. VICE PRESIDENT, I'M
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SPEAKING
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[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
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SPEAKING.
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>> WELL, I'M JUST TRYING -
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>> STILL SPEAKING.
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>> BUT I -
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>> SEE, I'M SPEAKING
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I'M SPEAKING RIGHT NOW, ARIZONA,
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CALIFORNIA, SOME MART PARTS OF ,
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I'M SPEAKING.
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>> I UNDERSTAND THAT.
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>> I DON'T THINK YOU DO.
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>> I DO.
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>> BECAUSE YOU'RE TALKING AND
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I'M SPEAKING
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THIS ADMINISTRATION HAS
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CONSISTENTLY LIED TO US ABOUT
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THE VIRUS.
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THEY SAID THEY WANTED TO KEEP US
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CALM
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LET ME ASK THE AMERICAN PEOPLE
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THIS
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HOW CALM WERE YOU WHEN YOU
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DIDN'T KNOW WHERE YOU WERE GOING
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TO GET YOUR NEXT ROLL OF TOILET
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PAPER?
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HM
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HOW CALM WERE YOU WHEN YOU WERE
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STARING AT THAT CARDBOARD TUBE
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WHEN YOU FINISHED THE ROLL, AND
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YOU THOUGHT, WELL, IT'S
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TECHNICALLY PAPER?
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AND HOW CALM WERE YOU WHEN EVEN
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THAT TUBE WAS GONE AND YOU
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LOOKED AT YOUR OLD T-SHIRTS AND
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A PAIR OF SCISSORS AND THOUGHT,
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ARE WE DOING THIS?
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[ LAUGHTER ]
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NOW, I'D LIKE TO HEAR THE VICE
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PRESIDENT'S RESPONSE, AND WHILE
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HE SPEAKS, I'M GOING TO SMILE AT
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HIM LIKE I'M IN A TJ MAXX AND A
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WHITE LADY ASKS ME IF I WORK
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HERE
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>> LOOK.
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I PROMISE YOU THE PRESIDENT HAS
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TAKEN THIS VIRUS SERIOUSLY SINCE
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THE VERY BEGINNING OF LAST WEEK.
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>> OKAY, SO NOW, SUSAN WHAT I'M
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GOING TO DO IS I'M GOING TO
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MORE OF A CLAIR HUXTABLE SIDE
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EYE.
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>> PRESIDENT TRUMP PUTS THE
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HEALTH OF ALL AMERICANS WAY
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AHEAD OF HIS OWN PERSONAL AND
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FINANCIAL GAIN
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>> HM.
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OKAY, SO NOW WHAT I'M GOING TO
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DO IS I'M GOING TO FIX MY FACE
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SO YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M
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THINKING
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BUT EVERY BLACK WOMAN AT HOME
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KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT I'M THINKING.
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AND A FEW OF THE WHITE WOMEN
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AND ALL OF THE GAYS.
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>> BUT ENOUGH ABOUT COVID.
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LET'S FOCUS ON THE TWO ISSUES
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AMERICANS DO CARE ABOUT.
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SWINE FLU AND FRACKING
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>> IF ANYONE SHOULD BE TALKING
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ABOUT FRACKING, IT'S MY GUY, JOE
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BIDEN.
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JOE BIDEN FRACS IN HIS FREE
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TIME
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JOE BIDEN WILL FRACK YOU SO
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GOOD, PENNSYLVANIA
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AND WHILE I PERSONALLY WANTED TO
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BAN FRACKING, NOW THAT I KNOW
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PENNSYLVANIA LOVES IT, I JUST
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WANT TO SAY THIS
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YOUS GOISE CAN BET ON YOUR WAWA
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CHEESESTEAK HOAGIE AND ALL THE
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WATER IN THE SCHUYLKILL RIVER ON
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BIDEN FRACKING, AND GO EAGLES.
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>> MR. VICE PRESIDENT, I HAVE TO
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ASK THIS
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WHAT IS THE CURRENT HEALTH OF
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PRESIDENT TRUMP?
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>> THANK YOU FOR ASKING, SUSAN
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>> OH, I WASN'T ASKING OUT OF
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SYMPATHY, MIKE, I WAS ASKING
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I'VE A SIMMERING RAGE FOR HIS
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INCOMPETENCE AND A SADISTIC HOPE
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THAT HE IS NOT WELL.
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>> UNFORTUNATELY FOR YOU, THEN,
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THE PRESIDENT IS DOING AMAZING
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THANKS TO HIS TEAM OF TERRIFIED
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DOCTORS.
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AS YOU HEARD FROM HIS PRIMARY
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PHYSICIAN, DR. HANDSOME LIAR,
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TRUMP IS IN PEAK PHYSICAL
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CONDITION.
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>> UH-HUH.
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AND TO BE CLEAR, WHAT
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IS
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MEDICATIONS HAS THE PRESIDENT
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TAKEN?
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>> ALMOST NONE, SUSAN.
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HE'S TAKEN ASPIRIN, WHICH HE'S
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ALWAYS TAKEN
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AN INJECTION OF EXPERIMENTAL
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MONOCLONAL ANTIBODIES.
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A MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE AMOUNT
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OF STEROIDS.
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A WOMAN'S PROBIOTIC FOR BALANCE.
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60 CCs OF HELIUM INTO HIS SKULL
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SO HIS HEAD DOESN'T FALL OVER ON
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TV
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>> SO LIKE A BALLOON HEAD?
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>> THAT'S CORRECT.
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LIKE A BALLOON HEAD, YES
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HE'S ALSO TAKING VIAGRA FOR
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MORALE, AND SOME HORNY GOAT WEED
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HE BOUGHT AT A GAS STATION,
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BECAUSE THE PRESIDENT BELIEVES
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IN MEDICINE.
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UNLIKE SENATOR HARRIS, WHO SAID
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SHE WOULDN'T EVEN TAKE A
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VACCINE.
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>> IF DR. FAUCI SAYS A VACCINE
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IS GOOD, I WILL BE THE FIRST IN
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LINE LIKE IT'S AN ANN TAYLOR
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SAMPLE SALE.
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BUT IF TRUMP SAYS IT'S SAFE, I
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WILL THROW THAT VACCINE IN THE
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TRASH LIKE LASTWEEK'S SHRIMP
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PAD THAI
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BESIDES, MAMA'S GOT ALL THE
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VACCINE SHE NEEDS RIGHT HERE
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>> SENATOR HARRIS, IF ELECTED,
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WOULD YOU PACK THE SUPREME
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COURT?
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>> SUSAN, INSTEAD OF ANSWERING
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THAT EXACT QUESTION, I'D LIKE TO
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TELL YOU THE STORY OF WHEN JOE
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PICKED ME TO BE HIS RUNNING
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MATE
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JOE TOLD ME WE WERE JUST GOING
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OUT FOR DINNER
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THEN HE GOT DOWN ON ONE KNEE
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THAT'S WHEN I KNEW
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THAT HE NEEDED HELP UP
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AFTER THAT, HE GATHERED HIMSELF
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AND SAID, "KA-MAH-LA, LET'S DO
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THIS.”
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AND I SAID, "IT'S KAMALA.”
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AND HE SAID, "I WILL NEVER, EVER
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GET THAT RIGHT.”
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>> THAT'S VERY SWEET
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AND VICE PRESIDENT PENCE, HOW
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DID PRESIDENT TRUMP ASK YOU?
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>> HE TEXTED ME.
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OH MY GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE THOSE
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RELIGIOUS PSYCHOS MADE ME PICK
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PENCE.
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THEN HE TEXTED, OOPS, WRONG
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PERSON
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HE HASN'T TEXTED ME SINCE.
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OH, EXCEPT IN MARCH HE WROTE,
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CORONAVIRUS, YOURS NOW
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>> AND I'M SORRY, WHAT DID YOU
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DO TO STOP THAT VIRUS?
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BECAUSE JOE BIDEN AND I HAVE A
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PLAN -
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>> OH, LIKE SWINE FLU?
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>> WHAT?
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>> SWINE FLU
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2 MILLION DEAD
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>> 2 MILLION
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>> IF YOU INCLUDE THE SWINE.
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THOSE POOR LITTLE PIGGIES.
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>> OKAY, THIS FOOL'S UP HERE
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TALKING ABOUT DEAD PIGS.
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>> LORD LOVE A DUCK.
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KAMALA CAN'T GET A WORD IN
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EDGEWISE
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THIS JOKER DROPS MORE ROAD
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APPLES THAN A BULL EATING A BRAN
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MUFFIN
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>> CALM DOWN, JOE, IT'S OKAY
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>> NO, IT'S NOT, JILL.
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I NEED TO DO SOMETHING
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I NEED TO TELEPORT TO THAT
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DEBATE AND SAVE THE SOUL OF THIS
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NATION
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WHOA, GOT UP TOO FAST.
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>> SIR, THE TELEPORTATION
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MACHINE'S NOT READY YET.
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IT NEEDS AT LEAST SIX MORE
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MONTHS
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>> YOU HEARD HIM, JOE, IT'S TOO
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DANGEROUS.
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AND WHAT ABOUT COVID PROTOCOLS
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>> DON'T WORRY, I'LL WEAR A
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MASK
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ON MY EYES
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>> AND THAT IS HOW PRESIDENT
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TRUMP WILL MAKE THE ECONOMY
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BETTER BY MAKING IT WORSE.
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>> I'M SORRY TO INTERRUPT, VICE
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PRESIDENT PENCE.
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THERE'S A --
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>> WAR ON POLICE IN THIS
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COUNTRY?
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I COULDN'T AGREE MORE.
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>> NO, NO, THERE'S A -- UM --
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THERE'S A GIANT --
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>> LACK OF RESPECT FOR MILITIAS?
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YOU'RE DARN RIGHT.
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>> NO.
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SENATOR HARRIS, HELP ME OUT.
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>> OH, NO, I'M GOOD.
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[ LAUGHTER ]
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LOOKING REAL GOOD, MIKE, KEEP IT
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UP
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>> LET ME AT HIM
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LET ME AT HIM!
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>> MR. VICE PRESIDENT, DO YOU
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NOT FEEL THAT AT ALL
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>> I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I FEEL,
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SUSAN.
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I FEEL FOR THE BUSINESSES THAT
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ARE GOING TO BE CRIPPLED BY JOE
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BIDEN'S TAX CUTS
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>> YES, YES.
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YOUR ECONOMY IS SO IN THE
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TOILET
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I WANT TO LAY MY EGGS ON IT.
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WHAT, WHAT
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>> OH, NO, THERE MUST HAVE BEEN
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A FLY IN THE TELEPORTATION
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MACHINE.
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THAT'S WHY JOE TURNED INTO A
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FLY.
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>> YEAH, BUT THAT DOESN'T
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EXPLAIN WHY HE SOUNDS LIKE JEFF
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GOLDBLUM
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>> GOD CREATED DINOSAURS
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DINOSAURS BECOME REPUBLICANS
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REPUBLICANS CREATE TRUMP
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TRUMP DESTROYS GOD
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HM
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>> OH, NO.
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NOW HE'S GONE FULL GOLDBLUM.
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>> EVEN HAS THE GLASSES.
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>> APARTMENTS.COM.
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THE MOST POPULAR PLACE TO FIND A
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PLACE.
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NO, NO
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YES, YES
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BECAUSE LIFE FINDS A WAY
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>> MR. VICE PRESIDENT?
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>> YES
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>> MR. VICE PRESIDENT, THERE'S
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ANOTHER ONE.
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>> ANOTHER ANTIFA RALLY?
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NO SURPRISE THERE.
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>> OH, HONEY, AT THIS POINT I'M
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JUST ENJOYING THE SHOW
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>> MAN, WHAT KIND OF NONSENSE IS
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MIKE PENCE TRYING TO PULL?
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>> DO TELL, DO TELL.
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WAIT -- I'M SORRY -- FRIEND, YOU
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LOOK FAMILIAR.
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>> WELL, I BETTER.
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I'M HERMAN CAIN.
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REINCARNATED AS A DAMN FLY
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AND THESE FOOLS, TRUMP AND
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PENCE, KILLED ME, MAN.
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THEY INVITED ME TO A RALLY WITH
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NO MASK AND SAID, EVERYTHING'S
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FINE, HERMAN
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I TELL CORONA, IT DON'T TELL ME,
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EVERYTHING IS FINE, HERMAN
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THE WHITE HOUSE DOCTORS CHECK ME
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OUT, EVERYTHING'S FINE, HERMAN
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THREE DAYS LATER, I GET IT
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IF YOU'RE WATCHING THIS AT HOME,
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DON'T TRUST THIS WHITE DEVIL
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ABOUT THAT RONA.
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>> VICE PRESIDENT PENCE, I -- I
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THINK ONE OF YOUR FLIES IS
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SCREAMING AT YOU
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>> GONNA GIVE YOU THE RONA
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>> OKAY, I THINK WE NEED TO SHUT
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THIS DEBATE DOWN FOR THE GOOD OF
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HUMANITY
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SENATOR HARRIS, WOULD YOU LIKE
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TO DO WHAT EVERYONE AT HOME
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WANTS TO DO?
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>> OH, I WOULD
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>> FLIES, ANYTHING ELSE YOU
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WOULD LIKE TO ADD?
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>> AM I DYING AGAIN?
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>> BE AFRAID
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BE VERY AFRAID
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AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
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SATURDAY NIGHT
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