Joueur du grenier - Les jeux en FMV - YouTube

Listen,

I know that we have been through fight in the past

that we didn't always agree but

let me show you that we can work together

Uhm...That's funny, you kinda look all alike

That's racist sir

Sorry

Anyway, let me show you the results of our work

Come on, spaghetti

The video game "Joueur Du Grenier" (literally"the attic player")

FUUCK IIIT

Why did you do that ?

Because I think that your universe needs to express itself through a new media and that it can be interesting for your followers and...

For money right ?

Yes

And the ugly christmas typo

Hi ! It's Jean-Louis

the christmas spirit who warm up hearts and feet

Do you know what a FMV is ?

No ?

Well, let me explain it to you with a less expensive voice

Remember this very very short period when cutscenes suddenly turned into THIS

It was a revolution, it was like a movie without video recorder

and finally, a few months later, we came back, without explanation, to the ugly 3D

With the emergence of CD consoles, it was finally possible to stock videos, CD support offering widely more memory than cartridge support

And that's with some consoles that a new game type appeared, FMV games

or full motion video

These games' gameplay was, in general, not really interesting

For most of them, it was like "point and click", "rail shooter" or QTE games

Sometimes you could have some good surprises like "Supreme Warrior" which I think is the best FMV game

But it was more often pathetic games because of their horrible acting skills and their lack of budget

Follow me, and I will help you with Joueur Du Grenier to find several games

Come on

Click wherever you want

[play] [give] [eat] ["fuck"] [take] [procrastinate]

It's a wall

It's a shelf

It's an used menstrual pad

So ?

Not bad huh ?

Even if FMV games disappeared since a while

One of the most famous for the wide public is definitely "Night Trap" released in 1992 on MegaCD

and here's the story :

5 teenage girls have disappeared after spending the night in this old house "Vinicole Du Lac"

At Mr. and Mrs. Victor Martin's place

While we're talking, 5 other girls are on their way to the Martin's house to spend the night

Your mission : Make sure they don't suffer the same fate as the other girls

Yesterday evening, one of our agents came into the house and discovered a strange security system :

Hidden cameras in almost all the rooms and many traps

Ok, so if I understand correctly, a week ago, 5 teenage girls disappeared at this dude's house, Mr Martin

The week after, he re-invite 5 others girls at his house

And at this guy's place, Mr Martin, we discovered that there's cameras everywhere

What are you waiting to arrest him !

And about the cameras, these are a bit too well positioned

They do angle changing, traveling, crane movement...

We can agree, this is really the best of security camera

What are you doing Mr Martin ?

Don't worry keep on dancing

Anyway, the goal of the game :

You control a bunch of trap with a security code that can change throughout the game, according to the character's dialogue

and you basically have to press the button at the right time to trigger the traps that capture the ninjas

Who are those ninjas ? I have no idea but they all walk like they have a handful of crushed glass in their asses

Anyway...so, the more you wait, the more there are enemies in the house, to the point that it becomes completely ridiculous

I mean, look there are 30 ninjas in the house...30 !

When you look at the map, the house doesn't seem to be bigger than 80 m²

How can't they even notice that, they shouldn't be able to walk 2 meters without step on them

Im not going to go back with him after all what he did to me, and said...no

Anyway, the game obviously looks like a bad movie but it has some kind of charm though

This game is sweating the 90's; the clothes, the haircuts, the dialogues

-Bye Eddy

-Bye thanks for coming Eddy

Oh and tell us when you're going to die Eddy

And obviously the extremely bad actor's performance is involved a lot in the cheesy aspect of the game

Here they are!

What he was going to do ? Kiss her or eat her face?

Hold on isn't a game, there's only videos

For now yes, but keep playing, the following could surprise you

A lot of FMV games were also "rail shooters", in short it's a game where you watch videos, you click on a video and it starts another one.

Like McDog McCree, for example, which is very famous, or Corpse Killer, a game where you play as an American soldier sent by the Pentagon

who has to go save his lost boss on an island full of people poorly disguised

I mean, seriously, they didn't even put make-up on his hands

And where you are helped by Winston, the perfect Jamaican stereotype

which is completely symptomatic of people who have no imagination when they create a character

Ma I musta say that I agree with you

So, the game itself is a rail shooter so I'm not going to talk about it cause the gameplay is really not interesting

I just mention it because I think it's one of the world's ugliest rail shooter ever

The game literally shits in your eyes, the graphic desing is awful, the zombies float, start to fly...

Oh and c'mon ! What the heck is this final boss, looks like you when you let one rip after holding it during the whole day

It's exactly the same thing ! You said it would surprise me

No, I said it COULD surprise you, but wait you didn't test the "point and click" part yet

It's like in a real game, you can move the objects...

Ok wait, I'm going to combine a wheat field with some chocolate and PAF it makes chocapics (popular french cereals)

Like that ?

Ok... go on, it's fine

One of the most widespread type of FMV games is the point and click type , a kind of game that perfectly fits with the video format

We had some 'Made In France like' point and clicks such as "L'affaire Morlov" on CDI

So, we are in Paris, in an alternative world where gravity toggled by 30° on the right

and Virginie, a friend of your girlfriend, has been murdered in front of you

You rush to her corpse and apparently, we learn that you are...

A corpses smell fetishist

Cause, really, unless you have the sense of smell of a dog, I don't see the point of doing that

Well, the game is kinda basic, it's a generic "point and click"

But, the video is rather badly used in it

"Latest revelations on Yanova's case !"

"Buy the news !"

Latest news ! No one sell newspapers like that since 1830...

So, when you do certain actions it starts short videos, often a bit useless, here for example I'm going up the stairs

...in a totally natural way

Fucking cholesterol...

And c'mon, what is this viewpoint ?

I mean...Unless you climb the stairs like that, no one has this kind of view while they're going up the stairs

Anyway, except a few defects like the musical atmosphere which doesn't match at all and so are the videos...

"Do what we tell you and leave, shake me down and run away"

(ouch ! I said shake, asshole !)

...well the game, paradoxally is far from being the worst FMV

One of the biggest shit in the FMVs is Gabriel Knight, famous for its awful french dubbing

The game begins with a group of villagers who come to see us because a little girl got caught by a wolf

The village headman explains to us the distress of the parents who are just next to us

Tony

The wolf...looked at me...

...his eyes...were humans

He knew what he was doing ! [No this isn't Frank Ribéry] (French football player)

HE KNEW !

Ok, stop talking please

Anyway, we can see that Gabriel is completly shaken by what he just heard, look at his face

"Did I turn off the oven...?"

and...he took a piece of the child with him...

That's horrible. (said with no emotion)

I think i would have had the same reaction if I accidentally knocked my tea cup, how this dude can plays his role so badly, no kidding

Damn, it must be annoying if he's like that in real life

Condolences...

*unnatural talking* Coonndooolences, what a horrible accideeeeent

So, Gabriel who just doesn't give a fuck about saving the villagers decides to go to sleep first, because "fuck you", and then the game starts

So if I wanted to show you this game it's really only for this :

*unnatural talking* "Some porcelain, so luxurious"

*unnatural talking* "This forest is very big"

This guy, sounds always WRONG, I don't even know how he can do that !

Even by chance, we should sometimes get a sentence that he could play correctly but...

...here NO ! He is always off the mark !

"You work for T.V ??! I have some information that you could find useful !!"

"Yes, I...confirm...I was about to tell the police commissioner Le..Léberre about it, ask him some questions"

"For instance :"

"Why the hair found on the crime scene is red..."

"...Whereas..."

"... wolves fur at the zoo..."

"...is grey ?"

This voice actor doesn't know how to read, it's impossible

In the game, you can even hear the technical team talk on some scenes

[These recordings really stayed like that in the final game] "I desired some company since long before you were born"

[These recordings really stayed like that in the final game] "-Exactly, do it slowly-"

[These recordings really stayed like that in the final game] "Obviously...-I struggle to read myself back-"

[These recordings really stayed like that in the final game]*struggling to say his line* "I desired some company - long before"

You realize that behind that, you have the actor who stopped to speak but they continue to record

Since long before...your birth...

Seriously, you stopped school in 6th grade you idiot ?

Well... Maybe this game is very good but you can have the best movie ever, if the voices are like that...

*unnatural talking* You - shall not pass - flame of Udûn

It's going to be shitty anyway

You're mom is so fat that there's a jetlag between her legs

Your mom is so dumb that she thinks that Robert Hue (French politician) is the inventor of the glue

Your mom is so stupid that she thinks that a cunnilingus is a cloud

Yeah, we decided to put those stuff young people like

Police quest SWAT, released in 1995 on PC

From the "Police Quest" serie which is known for being one of the shittiest FMV

SO the game starts with an extremely long briefing with your boss who bores you with the fact that we're not cowboys, that we're a team and blah blah blah... well I skipped

Am I being grounded because I skipped the cutscene !?!

Oh calm down, fortunately not all games are like that

"Traveler, let me show you this legendary sword, forged in the highest mountain by dragons 9000 years ago..."

"Oh! Just tell me if I piss you off !?! Can you repeat what I said? No? Well fuck you! I'm keeping the sword it's mine so go fuck yours-"

So, before to start playing, the game asks you to do a tutorial

And here again, it's like the cutscenes that you can't skip or the guy get offended

Here, if you shoot before the boss tells you to do it, he yells at you !

Sorry sir!

Well that's not so important but what pisses me off is that the tutorial looks like that:

[Real duration]

You're able to stand this "horrible pressure"?

Well, you will have to because it's gonna be like that for 40 FUCKING MINUTES

40 MINUTES JUST DOING A FUCKING CLICK ON A SCREEN

HAVE YOU COMPLETELY LOST YOUR MIND !?!

It's a video game!

This part is supposed to be a tutorial? Right? Well I understood that left click = to shoot, okay... BUT NO NEED TO DO THAT FOR 40 MINUTES!

And that's only the first training! Huh! If you want to use other weapons you'll have to do that again in another place!

And that's not oveeeer! Because once you finish your training there's the briefing

*music: We don't give a fuck; we don't give a fuck Ah-ah!

Okay, so I did a 40 minutes training, and spent 30 minutes listening to a briefing, can I play now?

I'M THE SWAT NOT THE DAMN LOCAL POLICE I WANNA SHOOT PEOPLE!

Well... For the first mission you've to move out a diabetic old lady who has cardiac problems from her home, isn't a joke it's in their briefing

Well we have to start somewhere...

You're tired of it huh? You're tired of these thugs

And even THAT, I can't manage to skip it !

If you click on any button you weren't supposed to click the game brings you back to redo the tutorial!

Even though I played for hours I just couldn't find how to MOVE my character!

The only thing that I found to move did that:

Pop was the best of us, but sometimes being the best is not enough against an old lady with a heart condition and diabetes

Actually we're gonna bury her just after, she died because of her gun's sound

And , isn't about reflexes, I tried again, ready to fight grandma before she starts to shoot but no, the gun doesn't work, when I see this screen I'm already dead cause I can't do anything

I'm from the SWAT and the game is literally telling me that I'm slower than an old and sick 64 YEARS OLD GRANDMA?

And sincerely I'm kinda sad because I'd like to see the rest of the game! I'm sure it's super interesting but, well, I can't...

This grandma fucked me....Well sometimes you have to admit your defeat against someone stronger than you

*You're dead*

Okay seriously they're nothing interesting in your shitty game! It's just some videos, one after another

Boss: yeah I know but there is one video left uh! Wait JoueurDuGrenier: Okay I'm leavin- Boss: It's an erotic game!

Well ok the last one uh! Where is it?

FMV games had also a big amount of adult games!

Because, I mean, of course when people had the possibility to put some video in a CD what did you think they were going to add in it? Museums? Pfft!

"Man Enough" released in 1995 on PC, one of the worst dating sim ever, because yes, there are some bad dating simulators

So, the game starts with your friend, a huge douche who has pity for you

and who sends you to this dating agency named "Man Enough"

So you're meeting Jerry, the agency boss and you can start speaking with her.

You don't even say "hello", the first three things you can say are :

[Answer one]

because, cervix is a part of.... well the *MEAAAAOOOOW*

[Answer two]

And from behind I mean....

There you are, sign here, well I mean sign heeeeeeeeeere

[Answer three]

Even if I'm tempted to choose the third sentence because the only consequences I see for the first ones are:

I want to go with creativity and take the second one

Sadly, Jerry, what a surprise, doesn't believe me

Show me your gynecology member card we'll see!

Anyway, you continue to talk with Jerry, so depending of your answers her facial expression will change too, expressing her feelings,

Joy, mistrust

Uuuuh....Constipation

And the worst part is that sometimes you've the feeling that she will kick your ass but no it's the good answer, like for example : "Wow ! An intelligent, beautiful woman is a rare thing these days. "

GOOD ANSWER

But fortunately when you're doing too many mistakes your friend speaks to you and gives you some advice

But, how does it work, is he in his mind? He's a ghost ?

- Luke, tell her she's hot - Yes hot she is

Anyway, the story is that you have to flirt with Jerry but Jerry will accept only if you hook up with her five friends before

SO, you're going to the gym to meet the other girls

Who are clearly not doing some gym

You'll have to talk to them and try to flirt with all of them

Though they're all next to each other

You know I'm not used to flirt with women and- Oooh ok, fuck you

Excuse me miss; you seem to be a charming person, are you a porn star?

*Real dialogue from the game*

Well I'm not going to finish this game uh; well not in front of the camera but the game's lines-

Boss: Here, what do you think about it?

Well you know a video game isn't only watching some videos and sometime click on a button to see what will happen next

Because that's not a video game, that's an interactive movie

After, yeah I enjoy watching some videos but, a real video game it's to make real choices, not to have the illusion to make choices

Boss: What? You're against the game? After all the efforts we put in it? JoueurDuGrenier: Well yes!

JoueurDuGrenier: Well obviously! Boss: Well how do I do to pay my employees?

JoueurDuGrenier: Well of course! Boss: Well it's like like I'm paying them but I need the money because I have to buy a boat-

JoueurDuGrenier: It isn't finished, you won't release it like that, will you?

Later

EARLY ACCESS? Shit! But people aren't that stupid to-

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