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How to Test Your Emotional Maturity - YouTube
Channel: The School of Life
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one of the more puzzling aspects of the
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way we're built is that our emotional
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development does not necessarily or
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automatically keep pace with our
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physical growth we can be 55 on the
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outside and four and a half in terms of
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our impulses and manner of communicating
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just as we can be on the threshold of
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adulthood physically while an emotional
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sage within in order to assess our own
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and others emotional development we can
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make use of a single deceptively simple
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question that quickly gets to the core
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of our underlying emotional age when
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someone on whom we depend emotionally
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lets us down disappoints us or leaves us
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hanging and uncertain what is a
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characteristic way of responding there
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are three methods which indicate
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emotionally immature behavior we might
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grade ourselves on a scale of 1 to 10
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according to our propensity z' firstly
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we might sulk that is we simultaneously
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get very upset while refusing to explain
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to the person who has upset us what the
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problem might actually be the insult to
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our pride and dignity feels too great we
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are too internally fragile to reveal
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that we've been knocked we hope against
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hope that another person might simply
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magically understand what they've done
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and fix it without us needing to speak
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rather as an infant who hasn't yet
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mastered language might have a hope that
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a parent would spontaneously enter their
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minds and just guess what was ailing
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them secondly we might get furious
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another response is to get extremely and
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disproportionately angry with the
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disappointing person our fury may look
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powerful but no one who felt powerful
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would have any need for such titanic
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rage inside we feel broken at sea and
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bereft but our only way of reasserting
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control is to mimic an aggrieved Emperor
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or taunted tiger our insults and
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viciousness are in their coded ways
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admissions of terror and defenselessness
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our pain is profoundly poignant a manner
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of
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dealing with it a good deal sadder
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thirdly we might go cold it takes a lot
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of courage to admit to someone who's
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hurt us that we care that they have a
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power over us that a key bit of our life
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is in their hands
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it may be a lot easier to put up a
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strenuous wall of indifference at
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precisely the moment when we are most
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emotionally vulnerable to a loved ones
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behavior we insist that we haven't
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noticed a slight and wouldn't give a
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damn anyway we may not simply be
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pretending remaining in touch with our
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wounds may have become conclusively
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intolerable not feeling anything may
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have replaced the enormous threat of
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being fully alive these three responses
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pointers in turn to the three markers of
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emotional maturity firstly the capacity
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to explain that is the power simple to
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describe but a proper accomplishment in
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practice to explain why we are upset to
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the person who's upset us to have faith
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that we can find the words that we are
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not pathetic or wretched for suffering
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in a given way and that with a bit of
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luck we will find the words to make
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ourselves understood by someone whom we
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can remember deep down even at this
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moment of stress is not our enemy
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secondly the capacity to stay calm the
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mature person knows that robust self
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assertion is always an option down the
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line this gives them the confidence not
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to need to shout immediately to give
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others the benefit of every doubt and
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not to assume the worst and then hit
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back with undue force the mature like
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themselves enough not to suspect that
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everyone would have a good reason to
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mock and slander them thirdly the
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capacity to be vulnerable the mature
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know and have made their peace with the
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idea that being close to anyone will
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open them up to being hurt they feel
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enough inward strength to possess a
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tolerable relationship with their own
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weakness they are unembarrassed enough
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by their emotional nakedness to tell
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even the person who has apparently
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humiliated them that they are in need of
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help
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they trust ultimately that there is
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nothing wrong with their tears and that
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they have the right to find someone who
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will know how to bear them in turn these
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three traits belong to what we can call
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the three cardinal virtues of emotional
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maturity communication trust and
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vulnerability these three virtues were
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either gifted to us during a warm and
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nourishing childhood or else we will
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need to learn them arduously as adults
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this is akin to the difference between
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growing up speaking a foreign language
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and having to learn it over many months
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as an adult
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however the comparison at least gives us
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an impression of the scale of the
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challenge ahead of us there is nothing
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to be ashamed of about our possible
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present ignorance at least half of us
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weren't brought up in the land of
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emotional literacy we may just never
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have heard adults around us speaking an
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emotionally mature dialect so we may
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despite our age need to go right back to
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school and spend five to ten thousand
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hours learning with great patience and
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faith the beautiful and complex grammar
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of the language of emotional adulthood
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our emotional barometer is a tool that
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can help us to more clearly explain our
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moods click the link on screen now to
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find out more
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you
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