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Paid Family Leave Is Back On Dem's Agenda | Covid-Infected Deer Could Transmit Virus Back To Humans - YouTube
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WELCOME TO
"THE LATE SHOW."
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I'M YOUR , STEPHEN COLBERT.
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND I'M GOING TO START OFF
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TONIGHT -- I WOULD LIKE TO WISH
EVERYONE A HAPPY DUWALI.
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FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DO NOT
KNOW,
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IT'S THE SOUTH ASIAN RELIGIOUS
FESTIVAL OF LIGHTS THAT
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CELEBRATES THE "VICTORY OF LIGHT
OVER DARKNESS, GOOD OVER EVIL,
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AND KNOWLEDGE OVER IGNORANCE."
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SO BASICALLY, "TED LASSO."
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( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
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WE'RE STILL DIGESTING THE
THE DEMOCRATS DID NOT HAVE A
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GOOD NIGHT, BUT IT WAS PRIMARILY
TWO STATES WHERE, HISTORICALLY,
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THE PARTY IN THE WHITE HOUSE
LOSES.
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AND THE DEMOCRATS NARROWLY HELD
ONTO ONE OF THEM, NEW JERSEY.
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SO, DISAPPOINTING.
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BUT A MIXED BAG.
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OR, AS CABLE NEWS PUT IT:
>> A FIVE ALARM FIRE FOR
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DEMOCRATS.
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>> FIVE-ALARM FIRE.
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>> NO SILVER LININGS.
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>> MAJOR SETBACKS ON ELECTION
DAY.
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>> THE ANATOMY, REALLY, OF A
DEMOCRATIC MELTDOWN.
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A COMPLETE AND TOTAL MELTDOWN.
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>> YOU DON'T THINK YOU'RE PART
OF THE PROBLEM, AND YOU'RE A
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DEMOCRAT IN POWER?
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YOU HAVEN'T LOOKED IN THE MIRROR
THIS MORNING.
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( AUDIENCE REACTS )
>> STEPHEN: AND IF YOU COULDN'T
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STOP LOOKING IN THE MIRROR THIS
MORNING, YOU'RE CHUCK TODD.
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THE MEDIA, WHO ALL LIVE I
( LAUGHTER )
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( PIANO RIFF )
( APPLAUSE )
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THE MEDIA, WHO ALL LIVE IN
VIRGINIA OR NEW JERSEY,
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COINCIDENTALLY, ARE FREAKING OUT
SO BADLY THAT NBC IS LAUNCHING A
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NEW SUNDAY SHOW:
"SEDATE THE PRESS."
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( LAUGHTER )
THE MEDIA'S NOT ALONE IN
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OVER-REACTING.
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ONE FORMER OFFICIAL COMPARED
TUESDAY'S LOSSES TO THE LAST
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BIG OFF-YEAR DISASTER FOR
DEMOCRATS, SAYING, "THIS IS 2009
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ALL OVER AGAIN."
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YES, BACK IN 2009, AMERICANS
WERE ALL ENJOYING THE OLD MAN IN
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"UP."
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AND NOW WE'VE ELECTED THAT MAN
PRESIDENT.
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WAIT, WE BETTER CHECK ON HIM.
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DON'T GO, JOE!
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MAYBE YOU'LL PASS INFRASTRUCTURE
BY THE MIDTERMS!
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IN RESPONSE TO THEIR DEFEATS,
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CONGRESSIONAL DEMOCRATS HAVE
VOWED TO PASS THE "BUILD BACK
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BETTER" PLAN.
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ESPECIALLY SENATE MAJORITY WHIP,
AND MAN FAILING TO "NAY NAY,"
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DICK DURBIN.
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DURBIN SAID OF THE POOR SHOWINGS
IN NEW JERSEY AND VIRGINIA
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"I THINK IT'S AN ACCELERANT.
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IT'S TIME FOR US TO GO TO WORK."
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A LITTLE LATE FOR THAT!
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(AS COLLEGE STUDENT)
"OKAY, I KNOW I GOT A BAD
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MIDTERM REPORT CARD, SO I'M
REALLY GOING TO BUCKLE DOWN.
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AND STUDY.
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STARTING TOMORROW.
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FIRST, I GOT TO POLISH OFF ALL
THE COORS LIGHTS IN THE FRIDGE
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AND SMOKE A LITTLE OF THIS.
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ANYONE GOT ANY ACCELERANT?"
( LAUGHTER )
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( PIANO RIFF )
ONE OF THE REASONS CONGRESS
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HASN'T DONE MORE-- OR ANY--
IS CONTINUED OPPOSITION FROM
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MODERATES JOE MANCHIN AND
KYRSTEN SINEMA, AND DEMOCRATS
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ARE GETTING SICK OF IT.
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TAKE ARIZONA REPRESENTATIVE AND
SINGING SNOWMAN, RAUL GRIJALVA.
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GRIJALVA COMPLAINED THAT THERE'S
A CODE OF SILENCE AROUND MANCHIN
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AND SINEMA, EXPLAINING, "WE'RE
MAD AT THEM, BUT WE CAN'T SAY
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ANYTHING, BECAUSE IT MIGHT MAKE
THEM WEIRDER."
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( LAUGHTER )
WEIRDER THAN PRESIDING OVER
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THE U.S. SENATE WEARING
HARLEY CASUAL?
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( LAUGHTER )
(AS SINEMA)
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"DON'T TEST ME, PROGRESSIVES!
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I HAVE SASSY PATCHES AND I WILL
IRON THEM ON!"
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( APPLAUSE )
IT'S A GOOD LOOK -- SLEEVELESS.
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AND THE WEIRDNESS HAS ALREADY
STARTED WITH JOE MANCHIN.
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HERE'S FOOTAGE OF HIM
NEGOTIATING WITH CHUCK SCHUMER
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TODAY:
鈾櫔
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鈾櫔
( LAUGHTER )
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>> STEPHEN: POINT IS, THE
DEMOCRATS HAVE TO DO SOMETHING.
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AND THEY ARE...
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ISH.
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LAST WEEK, BECAUSE OF MANCHIN'S
OPPOSITION, DEMOCRATS TOOK
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PAID FAMILY LEAVE OUT OF THE
"BUILD BACK BETTER" BILL.
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BUT AFTER WHAT HAPPENED IN
VIRGINIA, NOW, THE HOUSE HAS
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ADDED A PROVISION TO PROVIDE
FOUR WEEKS OF FEDERALLY-PAID
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FAMILY AND MEDICAL LEAVE.
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OKAY.
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THAT'S SOMETHING.
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IT'S NOT WHAT ANYONE ASKED FOR,
BUT IT'S BETTER THAN NOTHING.
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COINCIDENTALLY, THAT'S ALSO THE
SLOGAN OF RC COLA.
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( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
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THE ELECTION WASN'T ALL DOOM AND
GLOOM.
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ON TUESDAY, DETROIT VOTED TO
DECRIMINALIZE PSYCHEDELIC
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MUSHROOMS.
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
FINALLY!
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DETROIT HAS SOLVED ITS ONLY
PROBLEM!
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STARTING NOW, IN THE MOTOR CITY,
POSSESSION AND USE OF MAGIC
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MUSHROOMS BY ADULTS IS THE
CITY'S LOWEST LAW-ENFORCEMENT
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PRIORITY.
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NOT THAT IT WAS A BIG LAW
ENFORCEMENT CHALLENGE BEFORE.
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IT'S PRETTY EASY TO ARREST
SOMEONE WHO'S SPENT THE LAST
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40 MINUTES IN THE CEREAL AISLE
WEEPING WHILE LOOKING AT A BOX
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OF FROOT LOOPS.
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"THEY'RE ALL MY CHILDREN."
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( LAUGHTER )
"THEY'RE ALL MY CHILDREN."
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MUSHROOMS HAVE BEEN GAINING
ACCEPTANCE RECENTLY, AS DOCTORS
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HAVE FOUND THEY CAN BE USED TO
TREAT A VARIETY OF PSYCHOLOGICAL
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ISSUES, INCLUDING DEPRESSION.
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MUCH NEEDED IN DETROIT.
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WITH THIS HELP, THEY MAY ONE DAY
BE ABLE TO WATCH THE LIONS.
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-- WATCH THE LIONS PLAY.
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( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF )
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REALLY, REALLY?
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THERE ARE THAT MANY LIONS FANS
HERE TONIGHT?
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GET SOME MAGIC M MUSHROOMS, MY
FRIEND.
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( APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF )
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I CAN MAKE THAT JOKE BECAUSE
IF YOU KNOW ME, YOU KNOW I LOVE
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SPORT.
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( LAUGHTER )
THE SMELL OF A NEW BASEBALL
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MITT; THE SMELL OF THE FRESHLY
CUT GRASS; THE SMELL OF THE
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POPCORN.
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I MOSTLY LIKE SMELLS.
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THERE'S SPORT-NEWS ABOUT GREEN
BAY PACKERS QUARTERBACK AARON
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RODGERS, SEEN HERE NOTICING A
CLOUD THAT LOOKS LIKE A BUTT.
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( LAUGHTER )
THIS WEEK, RODGERS TESTED
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POSITIVE FOR COVID.
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OKAY, NOT A HUGE DEAL.
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PROFESSIONAL ATHLETES TEST
POSITIVE FOR A LOT OF THINGS.
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BUT HERE'S THE KICKER--
WHICH IS A FOOTBALL TERM:
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NEWS BROKE THAT RODGERS IS NOT
VACCINATED.
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ACCORDING TO N.F.L. RULES, THAT
MEANS HE HAS TO MISS SUNDAY'S
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GAME, AND SIT OUT THE NEXT FIVE
STATE FARM COMMERCIALS.
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( LAUGHTER )
GOING TO BE TOUGH ON JAKE TO
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CARRY THE TEAM WITHOUT HIM.
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( APPLAUSE )
BROAD SHOULDERS, THOUGH.
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>> Jon: YEAH.
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>> Stephen: THAT'S A RED
SWEATER.
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THIS IS A BIG DEAL, BECAUSE
RODGERS HAS WORKED REALLY HARD
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TO GIVE THE IMPRESSION THAT HE'S
VACCINATED.
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HERE'S WHAT HE SAID RIGHT BEFORE
THE START OF THE SEASON:
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>> ARE YOU VACCINATED, AND
WHAT'S YOUR STANCE ON-- ON
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VACCINATIONS?
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>> YEAH, I'VE BEEN IMMUNIZED.
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YOU KNOW, THERE'S A LOT OF
CONVERSATION AROUND IT, AROUND
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THE LEAGUE, AND THE GUYS WHO
HAVE MADE STATEMENTS-- AND I
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MADE STATEMENTS, OWNERS THAT
MADE STATEMENTS.
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>> Stephen: THAT'S REALLY
VAGUE.
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HE BETTER NOT TALK THAT WAY IN
THE HUDDLE.
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OKAY, BRING IT IN.
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THE NEXT PLAY IS A RUN, OR MAYBE
A PASS?
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THERE HAVE BEEN A LOT OF
CONVERSATIONS AROUND IT, AND THE
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COACH HAS MADE A STATEMENT IN MY
HELMET, BUT THE MAIN POINT IS...
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LET ME BREATHE ON YOU."
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( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: OH, NO.
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF )
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>> Stephen: NOW, YOU MAY HAVE
NOTICED THAT
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RODGERS SAID HE WAS "IMMUNIZED."
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THAT DOESN'T MEAN VACCINATED.
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TURNS OUT, RODGERS PURSUED AN
ALTERNATIVE TREATMENT, AND THEN
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PETITIONED THE N.F.L. TO
RECOGNIZE HIM AS VACCINATED.
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THE N.F.L. REFUSED, BECAUSE IT
WAS A "HOMEOPATHIC TREATMENT
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FROM HIS PERSONAL DOCTOR TO
RAISE HIS ANTIBODY LEVELS."
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UH, OH, MY GOOP SENSES ARE
TINGLING!
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( LAUGHTER )
MM-MM-MM...
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( LAUGHTER )
I'M NO EXPERT, BUT I'M GUESSING
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IT'S A LOT EASIER TO JUST PLAY
FOOTBALL WITH A SHOT IN YOUR ARM
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THAN A JADE EGG WHERE THE SUN
DON'T SHINE.
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( APPLAUSE )
THEN AGAIN, THEY ARE CALLED
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"THE PACKERS."
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>> Jon: OH, MY GOSH!
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: FOOTBALL PLAYERS
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AREN'T THE
ONLY ONES TESTING POSITIVE.
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A NEW STUDY FOUND THAT THE
MAJORITY OF IOWA'S WHITE-TAILED
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DEER MAY ALREADY BE INFECTED
WITH THE CORONAVIRUS.
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HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?
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I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT DEER
PREFER OUTDOOR DINING!
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NO SURPRISE-- IT APPEARS THE
DEER ARE GETTING SICK FROM
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HUMANS.
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THAT MEANS IOWA HUNTERS ARE
KILLING THESE DEER FROM LESS
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THAN SIX FEET AWAY.
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"SCREW THIS GUN, I'M GOING TO
STRANGLE THIS BASTARD.
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DIE!
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DIE!
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LOOK IN MY EYES!
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LOOK IN MY EYES!
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OIM GOING TO CHOP YOUR HEAD
OFF,MOUNT IT ON MY WALL!
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: I REALLY GOT INTO
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CHARACTER THERE FOR A MOMENT.
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I HOPE I DIDN'T UPSET ANYBODY.
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THE REAL CONCERN HERE IS THAT
THE DEER MIGHT TRANSMIT COVID
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BACK TO HUMANS, IN WHICH CASE
THE ANIMALS COULD BECOME A
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RESERVOIR FOR THE VIRUS.
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IT'S A NIGHTMARE SCENARIO,
THAT'S ALSO THE PLOT OF QUENTIN
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TARANTINO'S NEXT FILM:
"RESERVOIR DEER."
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( LAUGHTER )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
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TONIGHT.
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MY GUESTS ARE BILLY PORTER AND
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ANNALEIGH ASHFORD.
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BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
"MEANWHILE!"
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OH, STICK AROUND.
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