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George Carlin - List of people who ought to be killed - YouTube
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now
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something else a lot of you are aware of
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those of you with illegal cable hookups
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will be aware of the fact that uh one of
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the things i like to do in my shows is
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complain you know it's kind of a motif
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for me complaining and of course this
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weird culture we live in leaves you no
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shortage of things to complain about so
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this next piece of material like most
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good ideas is fairly simple it's just a
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list of people who ought to be killed
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starting with these people who read
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self-help books
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why do so many people need help life is
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not that complicated you get up you go
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to work eat three meals you take one
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good [聽__聽] and you go back to bed
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what's the [聽__聽] mystery
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and the part i really don't understand
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if you're looking for self-help why
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would you read a book written by
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somebody else
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that's not self-help that's help
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there's no such thing as self-help if
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you did it yourself you didn't need help
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you did it yourself try to pay attention
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to the language we've all agreed on
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and a similar
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a similar mystery to me motivation books
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motivation seminars why would anyone
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need to be motivated by someone else i
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say if you lack motivation the seminar
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isn't going to help you what you really
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need is to be smashed in the head 30 or
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40 times with a golf club
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that'll [聽__聽] motivate you
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or else at least get you up and moving
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around the room
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you know locate your socks [聽__聽] like
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that
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get the day rolling
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motivation is [聽__聽] if you ask me
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this country could use a little less
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motivation the people who are motivated
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are the ones who are causing all the
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trouble stock swindlers serial killers
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child molesters christian conservatives
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these people are highly motivated highly
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motivated
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and anyway i think motivation is
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overrated you show me some lazy prick
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who's lying around all day watching game
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shows and stroking his penis and i'll
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show you someone's not causing any
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[聽__聽] trouble okay
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all right
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here's another pack of low-grade morons
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who want to be locked into portable
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toilets and set on fire
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these people with bumper stickers that
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say we are the proud parents of an honor
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student
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at the
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franklin school
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for the midvale academy or whatever
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other innocent sounding name has been
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assigned to the indoctrination center
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where their child has been sent to be
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stripped of his individuality and turned
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into an obedient soul dead conformist
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member of the american consumer culture
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proud parents what kind of empty people
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need to validate themselves through the
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achievements of their children i would
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like to have to live with a couple of
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these misfits
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how's that science project coming along
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justin
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[聽__聽] you dad
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you simple-minded prick
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mind your own business and pass the
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cheerios
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here's a bumper sticker i'd like to see
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we are the proud parents of a child
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whose self-esteem is sufficient that he
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doesn't need us promoting his minor
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scholastic achievements on the back of
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our car
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or we are the proud parents of a child
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who has resisted his teachers attempts
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to break his spirit and bend him to the
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will of his corporate masters
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just be a nice little for change you
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know
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here's something realistic we have a
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daughter in public school who hasn't
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been knocked up yet
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we have a son in public school who
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hasn't shot any of his classmates yet
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but he does sell drugs to your honor
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student
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plus he knocked up your daughter
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then there are the people who aren't too
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proud of their children we are the
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embarrassed parents of a cross-eyed
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little nitwit
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who at the age of 10 not only continues
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to wet the bed but also shits on the
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school bus
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something like that on the back of the
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car might give the child a little more
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incentive you know
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get him to try a little harder next
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semester
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here are some more parents who want to
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be beaten with heavy clubs and left
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bleeding in the moonlight
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these are the ones who carry their
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babies around in these backpacks or
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front packs or slings or whatever these
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devices are called that are apparently
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designed to leave the parents hands-free
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to sort through high-end merchandise and
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reach for their platinum credit cards
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because it's always these upscale yuppy
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looking green piece environmentally
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conscious [聽__聽] who have mine you
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know i say hey mr mrs natural fibers
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i say hey mr mrs natural fibers
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it's not camping equipment it's a baby
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touch the little prick now and then
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he'll thank you for it someday
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these are the same people who sort their
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garbage jog with their dogs and listen
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to steely dan
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you know you just like to take them out
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deep into the forest and disembowel them
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with a wooden cooking spoon
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there are some more people ought to be
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smashed across the face repeatedly with
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a piece of heavy mining equipment
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these grown men grown men who refer to
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their fathers as my daddy
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you know yeah
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you hear a lot of this stupid [聽__聽] in
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the south these rebel [聽__聽] you know
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my daddy my dad yeah my daddy well you
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know what my daddy used to say my daddy
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used to say blah blah
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oh he did did he well wasn't that
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[聽__聽] enlightening
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my daddy used to say [聽__聽] your daddy
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[聽__聽] your daddy
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in his wrinkled rustic rural country
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[聽__聽]
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grow up billy joe carl bob danny frank
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you're not six anymore
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more like nine
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here's another unfortunate pack of
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mutants who ought to be penciled in for
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a sudden visit from the angel of death
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these guys
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these guys who can't tell you about a
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phone call they had
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without giving you this [聽__聽]
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the [聽__聽] pinky and the thumb
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like they attended mime college
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studied under marcel marceau
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so i call her up you know
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and i'm talking to her
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and she [聽__聽] hangs up on me
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so i hang up on her
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and she calls me back
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i [聽__聽] hang up again
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i say hey bruno thanks for the visual
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aid
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but we all understand the concept of the
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telephone
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you hold in your hand you talk into it
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excuse me bruno incoming call
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oh hey it's for you
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there's another bunch of pus-headed
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telephone cretans
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these self-important techno dicks
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who walk around with these hands-free
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telephone headsets and earpieces
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mr self-important doesn't want to be too
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far from the phone in case henry
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kissinger calls
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he's got the dalai lama on line two
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i say hey space man
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as long as your hands are free reach
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over here and fondle my balls would you
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please
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and answering machines
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starting with these people who think
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it's cute to let their children record
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the outgoing message
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you know
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ah
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and you can't understand a word of it
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because a kid's a [聽__聽] imbecile
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hi my name is stacy i'm five years old
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my mommy and daddy aren't home
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here's my message stacy
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i'm coming over to your house with a big
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knife i'm gonna kill mommy and daddy
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then i'm gonna peel off their skin and
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make a funny hat
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after that i'm gonna take out my huge
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ding-dong and stick it right in your
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these are the same parents who at
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christmas time send you pictures of
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their
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children pictures you didn't ask for
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and you don't want it
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but it is fun throwing the pictures away
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isn't it
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i don't even look at the [聽__聽]
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christmas card who is this luanne is 12
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this year [聽__聽] luanne
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i i give a [聽__聽] how old she is does she
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have any tits yet
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send me a picture of luanne's kids
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then i know i'm gonna have a happy new
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year too
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then
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just to compound your holiday pleasure
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they enclose a family newsletter
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just what you're hoping for
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news about people you can barely [聽__聽]
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remember
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we're so proud of brad he's been
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accepted into dental school
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yeah in the philippines
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after four tries
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[聽__聽] brad and everybody who looks like
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brad
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judging from his picture i think he's
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jerking off too much
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keep them away from luanne
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here's another bunch of genetic
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defectives who've been turned loose on
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answering machines
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these guys who cannot resist the urge to
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put music on their outgoing message you
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know some guy spends eight dollars a
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radio shack and suddenly he's a [聽__聽]
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record producer
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and because he's busy in the basement
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jacking off his dog i
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i have to listen to substandard music
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and it's always rotten music you know
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it's either new age that pointless
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meandering zombie noise played by
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pseudo-spiritual lunatics who think wind
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chimes are a musical instrument
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or else it's soft rock soft rock that
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lame ass weak non-threatening suburban
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white boy junk played by bands like men
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without testicles
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oh and folks on these answering machines
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do me a favor would you please when you
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record your outgoing message don't
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bother telling me you can't come to the
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phone
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i understand that
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apparently that's why we have these
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machines
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don't tell me leave my name and number
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somehow i figured that out
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and if you work in an office never mind
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that stuff i'm away from my desk if you
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had to take a [聽__聽] say so
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just say hi this is mary louise i had
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the mexican jalapeno bean chili dip
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and i washed it down with a gallon of
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gin
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i'll be in and out all day
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there are some more people ought to be
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strapped into chairs and beaten with
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hammers
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people who wear visors
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let me ask you something
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what the [聽__聽] is the point in wearing
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half a hat
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either get a hat or don't
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no one's interested in the top of your
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head
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go back to the store and tell them to
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give you the rest of the hat
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they cheated you
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better still get yourself on the little
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jewish hats and sew it to your visor
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then you got yourself a full-fledged
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[聽__聽] hat my friend
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here are some more musical vermin whose
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mothers we wish had had medical plans
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that included abortion
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these singers these singers who think
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they're so special they only need one
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name
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bono sting jewel tiffany prince what a
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crock of [聽__聽] get a [聽__聽] last name
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wouldn't you please
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i got a nice two-word name for you
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pretentious [聽__聽]
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how do you like that
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bono
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sting it's not bad enough the music
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sucks but with no last name you can't
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find out where they live to throw a
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[聽__聽] bomb through their window
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it's frustrating
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here are some more people who deserve an
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inoperable tumor at the base of their
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spines
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these guys who fly around the world in a
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[聽__聽] balloon
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what is this 1850
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got a [聽__聽] airline ticket will you
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please when are the media gonna realize
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no one's interested in some rich trouser
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stain
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who's so bored he's gotta fly around the
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balloon all day i hope the next guy gets
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hit by lightning
[853]
it flies around in little fart circle
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and lands in a sewage treatment pond
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and sinks with the rest of the turds
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mr lighter than air
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there is another pack of jackoffs who
[880]
want to be strangled in front of their
[881]
children
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people who pay for inexpensive items
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with a credit card
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you know
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folks take my word for this raisinettes
[895]
is not a major purchase get some [聽__聽]
[898]
cash together
[900]
no one should be paying a bank 18
[902]
interest on tic tacs
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and you're holding up the [聽__聽] line
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too
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some dorky looking prick with a fanny
[908]
pack waiting to be approved for a bag of
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cheese doodles
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i need this like i need an infected
[914]
scrotum
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get some [聽__聽] money
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next guy ahead of me online pays for
[920]
newsweek with a credit card is getting
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stabbed in the eyes
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and i'm getting really sick a guy's name
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todd
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you know yeah it's just a goofy it's a
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goofy [聽__聽] name okay
[937]
hi what's your name todd
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i'm todd and this is blake and blair and
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blaine and brent where are all these
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goofy [聽__聽] boys names coming from
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taylor tyler jordan flynn these are not
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real names
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you want to hear a real name eddie
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eddie is a real name whatever happened
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to eddie he was here a minute ago joey
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and jackie and johnny and phil bobby and
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tommy and danny and bill what happened
[968]
todd
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and cody
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and dylan
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and cameron
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and tucker
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hi tucker i'm todd
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i thought i'm sugar
[985]
[聽__聽] tucker tucker sucks
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and [聽__聽] tucker's friend kyle
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yeah there's another soft name for a boy
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kyle
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soft names make soft people i'll bet you
[1002]
anything that 10 times out of 10 nicki
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vinnie and tony will beat the [聽__聽] out
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of todd kyle and tucker
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thank you very much
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here are some more people with missing
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chromosomes want to be thrown screaming
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from a helicopter
[1026]
gun enthusiasts you know
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oh yeah i'm a gun i'm a gun enthusiast
[1032]
oh yeah well i'm a [聽__聽] enthusiast
[1036]
you want to see me shoot
[1040]
[聽__聽] this and i'll discharge a load for
[1042]
you
[1044]
and i'm not against guns i'm not one of
[1046]
those mindless hollywood [聽__聽] i'm
[1048]
not against guns i'm not against bullets
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i'm not even against people shooting
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each other [聽__聽] shooting somebody's part
[1053]
of the american dream
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i don't care who it is parents teachers
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kids [聽__聽] them let them get shot doesn't
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bother me
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but speaking of mindless hollywood
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[聽__聽]
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before charlton heston became president
[1066]
of these [聽__聽] lunatics in the nra
[1069]
they had a different guy and a different
[1072]
guy he's still one of their major
[1073]
spokesmen his name is wayne lapierre
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what kind of a name for a gun nut is
[1080]
wayne lapierre
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doesn't this sound a little fruity to
[1085]
you
[1086]
hi i'm wayne i'm a gun person
[1089]
bang bang
[1095]
you know what this prick's name ought to
[1096]
be biff webster
[1098]
spud crowley a man's name chuck steak
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here are some more men want to be
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strapped to a gurney and castrated with
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fishing knives
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white guys who shave their heads
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completely bald
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you know
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they're so ashamed they lost 11 hairs
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they're gonna try to turn into some kind
[1124]
of a masculine statement i say hey you
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goofy looking baldy-headed [聽__聽]
[1129]
looks good on black guys on you it's
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ugly repulsive and disgusting
[1133]
you want to be bald do what i did wait a
[1136]
while
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meantime there's no excuse for running
[1147]
around looking like a freshly
[1148]
circumcised dick
[1154]
and just to wind up this little group of
[1156]
complaints finally this is a group of
[1159]
social criminals these people in the
[1161]
space program
[1163]
[聽__聽] i call them
[1167]
in case you haven't heard
[1169]
the latest disaster for the rest of the
[1171]
universe is that the united states is
[1174]
gonna go to mars okay oh yeah we're
[1177]
going to go to mars and then of course
[1179]
we're going to colonize deep space with
[1182]
our microwave hot dogs and plastic vomit
[1185]
fake dog [聽__聽] and cinnamon dental floss
[1187]
and lemon-scented toilet paper and
[1189]
sneakers with lights in the heels
[1192]
and all these other impressive things
[1194]
we've done down here
[1197]
but let me ask you this let me ask you
[1199]
this
[1200]
what are we going to tell the
[1201]
intergalactic council of ministers the
[1203]
first time one of our teenage mothers
[1205]
throws her newborn baby into a dumpster
[1207]
huh how are we going to explain that to
[1210]
the space people i'm going to let him
[1212]
know that our ambassador was only late
[1213]
for the meeting because his breakfast
[1214]
was cold and he had to spend half an
[1216]
hour punching his wife around the
[1217]
kitchen
[1218]
what are they going to think when they
[1219]
find out it's just a local custom that
[1221]
over 80 million women in the third world
[1224]
have had their clitorises forcibly
[1226]
removed in order to reduce their sexual
[1227]
pleasure so they won't cheat on their
[1229]
husbands can't you just sense how eager
[1232]
the rest of the universe is for us to
[1234]
show up
[1235]
can't you see him out there
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