George Carlin - List of people who ought to be killed - YouTube

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something else a lot of you are aware of
those of you with illegal cable hookups
will be aware of the fact that uh one of
the things i like to do in my shows is
complain you know it's kind of a motif
for me complaining and of course this
weird culture we live in leaves you no
shortage of things to complain about so
this next piece of material like most
good ideas is fairly simple it's just a
list of people who ought to be killed
starting with these people who read
self-help books
why do so many people need help life is
not that complicated you get up you go
to work eat three meals you take one
good [聽__聽] and you go back to bed
what's the [聽__聽] mystery
and the part i really don't understand
if you're looking for self-help why
would you read a book written by
somebody else
that's not self-help that's help
there's no such thing as self-help if
you did it yourself you didn't need help
you did it yourself try to pay attention
to the language we've all agreed on
and a similar
a similar mystery to me motivation books
motivation seminars why would anyone
need to be motivated by someone else i
say if you lack motivation the seminar
isn't going to help you what you really
need is to be smashed in the head 30 or
40 times with a golf club
that'll [聽__聽] motivate you
or else at least get you up and moving
around the room
you know locate your socks [聽__聽] like
get the day rolling
motivation is [聽__聽] if you ask me
this country could use a little less
motivation the people who are motivated
are the ones who are causing all the
trouble stock swindlers serial killers
child molesters christian conservatives
these people are highly motivated highly
and anyway i think motivation is
overrated you show me some lazy prick
who's lying around all day watching game
shows and stroking his penis and i'll
show you someone's not causing any
[聽__聽] trouble okay
all right
here's another pack of low-grade morons
who want to be locked into portable
toilets and set on fire
these people with bumper stickers that
say we are the proud parents of an honor
at the
franklin school
for the midvale academy or whatever
other innocent sounding name has been
assigned to the indoctrination center
where their child has been sent to be
stripped of his individuality and turned
into an obedient soul dead conformist
member of the american consumer culture
proud parents what kind of empty people
need to validate themselves through the
achievements of their children i would
like to have to live with a couple of
these misfits
how's that science project coming along
[聽__聽] you dad
you simple-minded prick
mind your own business and pass the
here's a bumper sticker i'd like to see
we are the proud parents of a child
whose self-esteem is sufficient that he
doesn't need us promoting his minor
scholastic achievements on the back of
our car
or we are the proud parents of a child
who has resisted his teachers attempts
to break his spirit and bend him to the
will of his corporate masters
just be a nice little for change you
here's something realistic we have a
daughter in public school who hasn't
been knocked up yet
we have a son in public school who
hasn't shot any of his classmates yet
but he does sell drugs to your honor
plus he knocked up your daughter
then there are the people who aren't too
proud of their children we are the
embarrassed parents of a cross-eyed
little nitwit
who at the age of 10 not only continues
to wet the bed but also shits on the
school bus
something like that on the back of the
car might give the child a little more
incentive you know
get him to try a little harder next
here are some more parents who want to
be beaten with heavy clubs and left
bleeding in the moonlight
these are the ones who carry their
babies around in these backpacks or
front packs or slings or whatever these
devices are called that are apparently
designed to leave the parents hands-free
to sort through high-end merchandise and
reach for their platinum credit cards
because it's always these upscale yuppy
looking green piece environmentally
conscious [聽__聽] who have mine you
know i say hey mr mrs natural fibers
i say hey mr mrs natural fibers
it's not camping equipment it's a baby
touch the little prick now and then
he'll thank you for it someday
these are the same people who sort their
garbage jog with their dogs and listen
to steely dan
you know you just like to take them out
deep into the forest and disembowel them
with a wooden cooking spoon
there are some more people ought to be
smashed across the face repeatedly with
a piece of heavy mining equipment
these grown men grown men who refer to
their fathers as my daddy
you know yeah
you hear a lot of this stupid [聽__聽] in
the south these rebel [聽__聽] you know
my daddy my dad yeah my daddy well you
know what my daddy used to say my daddy
used to say blah blah
oh he did did he well wasn't that
[聽__聽] enlightening
my daddy used to say [聽__聽] your daddy
[聽__聽] your daddy
in his wrinkled rustic rural country
grow up billy joe carl bob danny frank
you're not six anymore
more like nine
here's another unfortunate pack of
mutants who ought to be penciled in for
a sudden visit from the angel of death
these guys
these guys who can't tell you about a
phone call they had
without giving you this [聽__聽]
the [聽__聽] pinky and the thumb
like they attended mime college
studied under marcel marceau
so i call her up you know
and i'm talking to her
and she [聽__聽] hangs up on me
so i hang up on her
and she calls me back
i [聽__聽] hang up again
i say hey bruno thanks for the visual
but we all understand the concept of the
you hold in your hand you talk into it
excuse me bruno incoming call
oh hey it's for you
there's another bunch of pus-headed
telephone cretans
these self-important techno dicks
who walk around with these hands-free
telephone headsets and earpieces
mr self-important doesn't want to be too
far from the phone in case henry
kissinger calls
he's got the dalai lama on line two
i say hey space man
as long as your hands are free reach
over here and fondle my balls would you
and answering machines
starting with these people who think
it's cute to let their children record
the outgoing message
you know
and you can't understand a word of it
because a kid's a [聽__聽] imbecile
hi my name is stacy i'm five years old
my mommy and daddy aren't home
here's my message stacy
i'm coming over to your house with a big
knife i'm gonna kill mommy and daddy
then i'm gonna peel off their skin and
make a funny hat
after that i'm gonna take out my huge
ding-dong and stick it right in your
these are the same parents who at
christmas time send you pictures of
children pictures you didn't ask for
and you don't want it
but it is fun throwing the pictures away
isn't it
i don't even look at the [聽__聽]
christmas card who is this luanne is 12
this year [聽__聽] luanne
i i give a [聽__聽] how old she is does she
have any tits yet
send me a picture of luanne's kids
then i know i'm gonna have a happy new
year too
just to compound your holiday pleasure
they enclose a family newsletter
just what you're hoping for
news about people you can barely [聽__聽]
we're so proud of brad he's been
accepted into dental school
yeah in the philippines
after four tries
[聽__聽] brad and everybody who looks like
judging from his picture i think he's
jerking off too much
keep them away from luanne
here's another bunch of genetic
defectives who've been turned loose on
answering machines
these guys who cannot resist the urge to
put music on their outgoing message you
know some guy spends eight dollars a
radio shack and suddenly he's a [聽__聽]
record producer
and because he's busy in the basement
jacking off his dog i
i have to listen to substandard music
and it's always rotten music you know
it's either new age that pointless
meandering zombie noise played by
pseudo-spiritual lunatics who think wind
chimes are a musical instrument
or else it's soft rock soft rock that
lame ass weak non-threatening suburban
white boy junk played by bands like men
without testicles
oh and folks on these answering machines
do me a favor would you please when you
record your outgoing message don't
bother telling me you can't come to the
i understand that
apparently that's why we have these
don't tell me leave my name and number
somehow i figured that out
and if you work in an office never mind
that stuff i'm away from my desk if you
had to take a [聽__聽] say so
just say hi this is mary louise i had
the mexican jalapeno bean chili dip
and i washed it down with a gallon of
i'll be in and out all day
there are some more people ought to be
strapped into chairs and beaten with
people who wear visors
let me ask you something
what the [聽__聽] is the point in wearing
half a hat
either get a hat or don't
no one's interested in the top of your
go back to the store and tell them to
give you the rest of the hat
they cheated you
better still get yourself on the little
jewish hats and sew it to your visor
then you got yourself a full-fledged
[聽__聽] hat my friend
here are some more musical vermin whose
mothers we wish had had medical plans
that included abortion
these singers these singers who think
they're so special they only need one
bono sting jewel tiffany prince what a
crock of [聽__聽] get a [聽__聽] last name
wouldn't you please
i got a nice two-word name for you
pretentious [聽__聽]
how do you like that
sting it's not bad enough the music
sucks but with no last name you can't
find out where they live to throw a
[聽__聽] bomb through their window
it's frustrating
here are some more people who deserve an
inoperable tumor at the base of their
these guys who fly around the world in a
[聽__聽] balloon
what is this 1850
got a [聽__聽] airline ticket will you
please when are the media gonna realize
no one's interested in some rich trouser
who's so bored he's gotta fly around the
balloon all day i hope the next guy gets
hit by lightning
it flies around in little fart circle
and lands in a sewage treatment pond
and sinks with the rest of the turds
mr lighter than air
there is another pack of jackoffs who
want to be strangled in front of their
people who pay for inexpensive items
with a credit card
you know
folks take my word for this raisinettes
is not a major purchase get some [聽__聽]
cash together
no one should be paying a bank 18
interest on tic tacs
and you're holding up the [聽__聽] line
some dorky looking prick with a fanny
pack waiting to be approved for a bag of
cheese doodles
i need this like i need an infected
get some [聽__聽] money
next guy ahead of me online pays for
newsweek with a credit card is getting
stabbed in the eyes
and i'm getting really sick a guy's name
you know yeah it's just a goofy it's a
goofy [聽__聽] name okay
hi what's your name todd
i'm todd and this is blake and blair and
blaine and brent where are all these
goofy [聽__聽] boys names coming from
taylor tyler jordan flynn these are not
real names
you want to hear a real name eddie
eddie is a real name whatever happened
to eddie he was here a minute ago joey
and jackie and johnny and phil bobby and
tommy and danny and bill what happened
and cody
and dylan
and cameron
and tucker
hi tucker i'm todd
i thought i'm sugar
[聽__聽] tucker tucker sucks
and [聽__聽] tucker's friend kyle
yeah there's another soft name for a boy
soft names make soft people i'll bet you
anything that 10 times out of 10 nicki
vinnie and tony will beat the [聽__聽] out
of todd kyle and tucker
thank you very much
here are some more people with missing
chromosomes want to be thrown screaming
from a helicopter
gun enthusiasts you know
oh yeah i'm a gun i'm a gun enthusiast
oh yeah well i'm a [聽__聽] enthusiast
you want to see me shoot
[聽__聽] this and i'll discharge a load for
and i'm not against guns i'm not one of
those mindless hollywood [聽__聽] i'm
not against guns i'm not against bullets
i'm not even against people shooting
each other [聽__聽] shooting somebody's part
of the american dream
i don't care who it is parents teachers
kids [聽__聽] them let them get shot doesn't
bother me
but speaking of mindless hollywood
before charlton heston became president
of these [聽__聽] lunatics in the nra
they had a different guy and a different
guy he's still one of their major
spokesmen his name is wayne lapierre
what kind of a name for a gun nut is
wayne lapierre
doesn't this sound a little fruity to
hi i'm wayne i'm a gun person
bang bang
you know what this prick's name ought to
be biff webster
spud crowley a man's name chuck steak
here are some more men want to be
strapped to a gurney and castrated with
fishing knives
white guys who shave their heads
completely bald
you know
they're so ashamed they lost 11 hairs
they're gonna try to turn into some kind
of a masculine statement i say hey you
goofy looking baldy-headed [聽__聽]
looks good on black guys on you it's
ugly repulsive and disgusting
you want to be bald do what i did wait a
meantime there's no excuse for running
around looking like a freshly
circumcised dick
and just to wind up this little group of
complaints finally this is a group of
social criminals these people in the
space program
[聽__聽] i call them
in case you haven't heard
the latest disaster for the rest of the
universe is that the united states is
gonna go to mars okay oh yeah we're
going to go to mars and then of course
we're going to colonize deep space with
our microwave hot dogs and plastic vomit
fake dog [聽__聽] and cinnamon dental floss
and lemon-scented toilet paper and
sneakers with lights in the heels
and all these other impressive things
we've done down here
but let me ask you this let me ask you
what are we going to tell the
intergalactic council of ministers the
first time one of our teenage mothers
throws her newborn baby into a dumpster
huh how are we going to explain that to
the space people i'm going to let him
know that our ambassador was only late
for the meeting because his breakfast
was cold and he had to spend half an
hour punching his wife around the
what are they going to think when they
find out it's just a local custom that
over 80 million women in the third world
have had their clitorises forcibly
removed in order to reduce their sexual
pleasure so they won't cheat on their
husbands can't you just sense how eager
the rest of the universe is for us to
show up
can't you see him out there