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John Mulaney's Awkward Child Interaction | Netflix Is A Joke - YouTube
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- Our real estate agent
wanted us to have a baby
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more than anyone else in our lives,
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more than anyone in our family.
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She hinted about it constantly.
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Every room she walked into, she'd be like,
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"So this could be an office,
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(audience laughs)
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"or maybe a nursery."
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Yeah, ha ha, no, like we said,
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we don't know if we're gonna have--
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"No, no, I know, I know.
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"You don't know if you're
gonna have them, but you know.
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"You know, you never know.
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"Sometimes you don't know
what's gonna happen and then,
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"you know, something happens."
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Well yeah, that's how all of life works.
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"Okay, all right, okay, all right."
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"This is an on-fire garbage can."
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(audience laughs)
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"Could be a nursery."
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(audience laughs)
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She showed me a backyard once, she goes,
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"I don't even like this backyard for you."
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I was like, oh do tell.
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She said, "it's all pavement.
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"I think you should have
some grass out there.
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"You know, in case you
have a couple little guys,
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"running around in the grass."
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And I got offended on
behalf of my imaginary kids.
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I was like hey, lady,
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I went outside about as much as Powder,
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from the movie "Powder".
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My children are not gonna
be playing out on grass,
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they will be up in their rooms
playing violent video games
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and cat-fishing pedophiles.
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These are my children, and that's my wife!
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(audience cheers and applauds)
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I didn't mean to make it sound
like we don't want children.
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We don't, but I didn't mean
to make it sound like that.
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See, I just don't think
babies like me very much.
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Sometimes babies will point at me
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and I don't care for that shit at all.
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Like, I'll be on an elevator
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and a baby will be there in
its big stroller activity tray,
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just working on one Cheerio,
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with Bobby Fischer like intensity, like...
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(audience laughs)
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And it'll look up at me and go.
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I like to lean in and go
stop snitching, motherfucker
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and then walk off.
(audience laughs)
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'Cause you're never too young to learn
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our national no snitching policy.
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(audience laughs and applauds)
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My friends have babies and I
don't do so well with them.
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I had a run in with a two year old girl,
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I know there are better ways
to start that story, but...
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(audience laughs)
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My friend Jeremy has
this two year old girl,
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and I really like her.
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She's a sweet kid, I really
like his daughter a lot,
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but I was over at his family's
house for the 4th of July
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and he had his daughter on his knee
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and it was a very lovely day,
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his whole extended family was there,
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and he was bouncing his
two year old up and down
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and he pointed at me, and
he said to his two year old,
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"do you know who that is?
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"That's your Uncle John."
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And I was like, oh my
god, that's so sweet,
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I'm her Uncle John.
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And then they baby pointed at me
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and said, "Uncle John has a penis."
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(audience laughs)
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I thank you for laughing
because no one did that day.
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(audience laughs)
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Fell deadly silent is what they all did.
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Hey, do you know what
you're supposed to say
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when a baby points at you
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and knowingly says "he has a penis"?
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No, I'm asking
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'cause I don't know what
to say in that situation.
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Here's what I went with that day.
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I said, oh, come on.
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(audience laughs)
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I dunno, I thought that'd be good.
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But then it just made it worse
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'cause it sounded like the baby and I
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had an arrangement not to talk about it
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and she had violated my trust.
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Like the baby had been
like, "do you have a penis?"
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and I was like, yes I do,
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but you're a baby so discretion is key,
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and then the next day she
goes, "he has a penis"
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and I go, oh come on!
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Someone can't keep a secret.
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Luckily Jeremy's wife saved the day.
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The baby's mom saved the day.
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She came in, and she picked up the baby,
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and she was like, it's okay,
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she's just going through that phase
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where she says penis and vagina a lot.
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Aren't we all?
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And by the way, it would have been
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a totally different situation
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if the baby had said vagina.
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Like, if a grown woman
had walked in the room
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and the baby had been
like, "she has a vagina!"
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the woman could be like, "yes
I do, and it's magnificent,"
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and we would all be like, hooray!
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You are brave!
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No one wants to applaud the
penis of a 32 year old weirdo.
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(calm pop music)
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