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Revolting Revolutionaries: The Feds Round Up More Jan. 6th Seditionists - YouTube
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WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
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I AM STEPHEN COLBERT.
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AND THIS IS A VERY SPECIAL
FRIDAY "LATE SHOW," WITH OUR
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EXCLUSIVE FRIDAY AUDIENCE.
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE'RE ONLY TWO WEEKS AWAY FROM
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BLACK FRIDAY, AND SHOPPING MAY
BE EVEN CRAZIER THAN IN PREVIOUS
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YEARS.
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WORKERS ARE IN SHORT SUPPLY, AND
BUSINESSES ARE GETTING DESPERATE
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FOR STAFF.
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SOME COMPANIES HAVE STARTED TO
REMOVE NEARLY EVERY HIRING
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REQUIREMENT, FROM DRUG TESTS TO
BACKGROUND CHECKS.
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THAT MIGHT BE A GOOD THING.
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YOU DON'T KNOW.
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AFTER ALL SKIPPING DRUG TESTS
AND MENTAL HEALTH EXAMS IS HOW
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TESLA FOUND THEIR C.E.O.
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COMPANIES--
( APPLAUSE )
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HI, ELAN.
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COMPANIES ARE ALSO CHANGING
THEIR EDUCATION RULES.
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A COUPLE YEARS AGO, 42% OF
INSURANCE SALES JOB LISTINGS
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CALLED FOR A BACHELOR'S DEGREE,
AND NOW ONLY 26% DO.
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OF COURSE, TIME HAS PROVEN YOU
DON'T NEED TO BE SMART TO SELL
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INSURANCE.
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( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
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NOW, WE'VE GOT IN SOME-- TOOK A
SECOND,TOOK A LITTLE--
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WE'VE GOT SOME SCARY NEWS FROM
OVERSEAS.
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RECENTLY, U.S. SATELLITES
SPOTTED THAT CHINA HAS BUILT
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MOCKUPS OF U.S. NAVY SHIPS IN AN
AREA USED FOR MISSILE TARGET
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PRACTICE.
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THEY BUILT THE MISSILES IN THE
DESERT.
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HERE'S THE GUIDED MISSILE
DESTROYER.
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THEY ALSO HAVE AN AIRCRAFT
CARRIER.
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WAIT A SECOND.
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JIM, PULL OUT.
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WHY IS THAT ON A GRID?
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OH, NO!
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THEY SUNK OUR BATTLESHIP!
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( HORN BLOWING )
CHINA'S ANTI-SHIP MISSILE SYSTEM
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IS RUN BY A GROUP CALLED THE
PEOPLE'S LIBERATION ARMY ROCKET
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FORCE OR "PLARF" -- ALSO THE
NAME OF THE LESSER KNOWN,
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CHINESE BOOTLEG VERSION OF ALF.
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( LAUGHTER )
AND PLARF HAS GONE HIGH TECH,
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BECAUSE NOT ONLY DO THEY HAVE
THESE MODELS.
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THEY BUILT A SIX-METER-WIDE RAIL
SYSTEM WITH A SHIP-SIZED TARGET
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MOUNTED ON IT, WHICH COULD BE
USED TO SIMULATE A MOVING
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VESSEL.
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OKAY, THAT SOUNDS DEEPLY
TROUBLING-- ALSO, A LOT OF FUN!
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CHINA, PLEASE PUT IT IN DISNEY
SHANGHAI, AND ALL IS FORGIVEN.
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SPEAKING OF OPPRESSIVE REGIMES:
TWITTER.
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( LAUGHTER )
EARLIER THIS WEEK, THEY UNVEILED
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A NEW PRODUCT IN AMERICA, THE
COMPANY'S SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE,
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CALLED "TWITTER BLUE."
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THAT IS THE NEW NAME, NOT AS I
THOUGHT, THE PAST SENSE OF THE
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PHRASE "TWITTER BLOWS."
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( APPLAUSE )
NOW, FOR THREE--
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( APPLAUSE )
WHY NOT?
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♪ ♪ ♪
THERE YOU GO.
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FOR THREE BUCKS A MONTH, YOU'LL
GET FEATURES LIKE AN "UNDO
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TWEET" FEATURE THAT LETS PEOPLE
SET A 30-SECOND TIMER BEFORE THE
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TWEET GETS POSTED, SO THEY CAN
REVISE ANY TYPOS OR ANY OTHER
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MISTAKES.
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THIS IS A MAJOR BREAKTHROUGH.
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THE ONLY WAY TO DO THAT, UP TILL
NOW, WOULD BE TO WAIT 30 SECONDS
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BEFORE POSTING YOUR TWEET.
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( LAUGHTER )
SPEAKING OF TROLLS, THE FEDS ARE
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CATCHING UP TO THOSE WHO TOOK
PART IN THE INSURRECTION ON
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JANUARY 6.
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AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT THE
LATEST IN TONIGHT'S "SEDITIONIST
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ROUNDUP ROUND UP."
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>> IT BEHOOVES US TO ARREST
THESE FOALS.
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>> Stephen: THANK YOU, HORSEY.
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THE FIRST DINGUS GETTING THE
BOOK THROWN AT HIM IS FLORIDA
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MAN AND MEMBER OF SEAL-TEAM
FANNY PACK, JEREMY BROWN.
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BACK BEFORE THE RIOT BEGAN,
BROWN WAS MAKING PLANS AND
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TRYING TO RECRUIT FOLKS TO JOIN
HIM.
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SO HE POSTED ONLINE, "WE HAVE A
R.V. AND VAN GOING!
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PLENTY OF GUN PORTS LEFT TO
FILL.
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WE CAN PICK YOU UP."
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WELL, IF WHAT HE WANTS IS TO BE
SQUEEZED INTO A TINY BOX WITH
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OTHER CRIMINALS, HE'S ABOUT TO
GET HIS WISH.
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NEXT UP ON THE PARADE OF IDIOTS,
TEXAS REALTOR AND BROKEN WOMAN
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NEXT TO A BROKEN WINDOW, JENNA
RYAN.
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YOU MAY REMEMBER, RYAN STORMEDLY
THE CAPITOL ON JANUARY 6, BUT
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DIDN'T THINK SHE'D GET PUNISHED.
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IN FACT, IN MARCH, SHE TWEETED,
"DEFINITELY NOT GOING TO JAIL.
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SORRY, I HAVE BLONDE HAIR, WHITE
SKIN, A GREAT JOB, A GREAT
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FUTURE, AND I'M NOT GOING TO
JAIL."
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( BOOING )
AND YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING
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NEXT.
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( LAUGHTER )
EVERYBODY KNOWS WHAT I'M SAYING
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NEXT.
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AND YET, IT' STILL SO FUN.
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BECAUSE JENNA RYAN, THE WOMAN
WHO SAID SHE'S NOT GOING TO
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JAIL, WAS JUST SENTENCED TO TWO
MONTHS IN JAIL.
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OH... OH...
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( APPLAUSE )
OH, THE IRONY...
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BARS SHE'S GOING TO BE LOCKED
BEHIND.
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OF COURSE, JUST LIKE THE CRIME
THAT GOT HER THROWN IN PRISON,
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JENNA RYAN POSTED ABOUT GETTING
LOCKED UP ON SOCIAL MEDIA.
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>> YES, I'M GOING TO PRISON,
EVERYONE.
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I'M GOING TO PRISON BECAUSE OF A
TWEET THAT SAID I'M NOT GOING TO
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PRISON.
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BUT IT WAS A REPLY.
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IT WAS A REPLY TO A TWEET.
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I SAID I'M NOT GOING TO PRISON,
BUT I WAS TALKING TO A HATER.
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AND, UNFORTUNATELY, THE D.O.J.
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SAW IT AND THEN THEY SAID, "NO,
YOU ARE GOING TO PRISON."
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( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: ACTUALLY, NO, YOU'RE
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GOING TO PRISON FOR BREAKING
INTO THE CAPITOL.
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YOU JUST MADE IT WORSE WITH A
TWEET.
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IF ONLY THERE WERE SOME FEATURE
WHERE YOU HAD 30 SECONDS TO UNDO
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A TWEET!
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT'S-- THERE'S A MARKET--
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>> Jon: THE PROBLEM IS BLOWING
IN THE WEND.
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>> Stephen: NEXT UP ON THE
ROUND-UP GIDDY-UP, EDUARDO
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NICOLAS ALVEAR GONZALEZ, KNOWN
ONLINE AS THE "CAPITOL ROTUNDA
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DOOBIE SMOKER."
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( AS STONER )
"DUDE, I WAS LISTENING TO MY
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MYPILLOW, AND IT SAID THAT THE
ELECTION WAS STOLEN BY HUGO
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CHAVEZ'S GHOST.
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STOP THE STEAL.
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AND START THE MEAL.
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I'M STARVING.
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HEY, YOU GONNA EAT ALL THAT
PODIUM, BRO?"
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GONZALEZ PLED GUILTY AND IS
AWAITING SENTENCING, SUBJECT TO
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CERTAIN CONDITIONS OF RELEASE,
INCLUDING NO INTERNATIONAL
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TRAVEL.
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BUT HE WANTED TO AMEND THAT,
WITH HIS LAWYER EXPLAINING THAT
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GONZALEZ "HAS BEEN INVITED BY A
FRIEND TO SPEND THE HOLIDAY
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SEASON, AT NO COST, IN LONDON,
ENGLAND," WHICH IS "AN
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OPPORTUNITY THAT DOESN'T PRESENT
ITSELF VERY OFTEN."
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WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH
ANYTHING?
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"YOUR HONOR, YOU CAN'T SEND ME
TO PRISON.
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THE McRIB IS BACK!
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( LAUGHTER )
FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY!
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HAVE YOU NO HEART?"
THE NEXT REVOLTING REVOLUTIONARY
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BEHIND BARS IS NEW YORK NATIVE
AND GUY OFFERING FREE FOOT
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MASSAGES AT GUITAR CENTER,
BRENDAN HUNT.
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TO BE CLEAR, BRENDAN HUNT SHOULD
NOT BE CONFUSED WITH THE ACTOR
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WHO PLAYS COACH BEARD ON "TED
LASSO," BRENDAN HUNT.
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THE ONLY THING HE'S GUILTY OF
STORM... [ WHISPERING )
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IS OUR HEARTS.
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HE JUST LOVES TED!
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GO ON.
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GO ON.
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THE BAD BRENDAN HUNT WASN'T AT
THE CAPITOL ON JANUARY 6, BUT HE
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MADE HIMSELF HEARD BY PUTTING UP
NUMEROUS VIDEOS AND FACEBOOK
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POSTS THAT THREATENED
POLITICIANS LIKE CHUCK SCHUMER
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AND ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ.
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HIS EXCUSE?
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HE WROTE THE SOCIAL MEDIA POSTS
AFTER MONTHS OF SOCIAL ISOLATION
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AND "A FEW BONG RIPS."
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NICE TRY, BUT AFTER A FEW BONG
RIPS, YOU DON'T THREATEN TO TAKE
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DOWN A MEMBER OF CONGRESS.
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YOU THREATEN TO TAKE DOWN AN
ENTIRE BOX OF LITTLE DEBBIE
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SWISS ROLLS.
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( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
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HUNT IS IN JAIL-- $1.09.
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$1.09, DOZEN ROLLS.
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HUNT IS IN JAIL AWAITING
SENTENCING, AND HE'S GOT COMPANY
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BECAUSE, APPARENTLY, HE SHARED A
CELL WITH CONVICTED SEX-OFFENDER
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R. KELLY.
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OH, TO BE A FLY ON THAT WALL...
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AND THEN BEG TO BE TRANSFERRED
TO A DIFFERENT WALL.
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( LAUGHTER )
HUNT CONSIDERS HIMSELF A BIT OF
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AN ARTIST, SO AS PART OF HIS
APPEAL TO THE JUDGE FOR A LESSER
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SENTENCE, HIS LAWYERS SUBMITTED
A COMIC STRIP HUNT DREW
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PORTRAYING HIMSELF AND R. KELLY
WORKING OUT BEHIND BARS.
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SO, HE'S USING HIS FRIENDSHIP
WITH R. KELLY TO TRY TO WIN OVER
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THE JUDGE.
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WHAT THE HELL WAS IN THAT BONG?
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( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
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LET'S TAKE A LOOK...
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>> Jon: THE ANSWER, MY FRIEND,
IS BLOWING IN THE THE WIND.
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>> Stephen: DON'T DO DRUGS,
KIDS, JUST SAY NO.
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LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT SOME OF HIS
WORK.
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HERE'S HUNT SHOWING R. KELLY A
YOGA BOOK AND SAYING THEY SHOULD
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EXERCISE TOGETHER, THEN THE TWO
OF THEM DOING WARRIOR POSE, THEN
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DOWNWARD DOG, THEN THE TWO OF
THEM HIGH-FIVING AND SAYING
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"WORKOUT PALS!"
AND, FINALLY, THEY'RE ALL BUFF,
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AND R. KELLY SAYS, "WAIT UNTIL
THE GUYS IN THE YARD SEE OUR
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GAINS!"
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY
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ABOUT PRISON: ON YOUR FIRST DAY,
FIND THE BIGGEST GUY IN THE
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YARD, AND THEN SHOW HIM A
DRAWING OF YOU BIGGER THAN HIM.
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STILL BETTER THAN HUNT'S FIRST
DRAFT, WHERE HE DREW GARFIELD
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SAYING, "I HATE MONDAYS, BUT I
LOVE WORKING OUT WITH CONVICTED
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SEX OFFENDER R. KELLY."
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WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
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MY GUEST IS JEFF GOLDBLUM.
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WON'T YOU JOIN US?
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