Joueur du grenier - AIRWOLF - CPC 464 - YouTube

Garage sale 7:32 AM 3 minutes before the incident

(Fred) What incident?

(Seb) No nothing, don't worry! However, since you were looking for retro games, there are some over there.

(Fred) Yeah, I know, but the seller looks a bit dodgy!

(Death) Look, I'm a perfectly normal seller! Look at my wares!

I offer many choices! And as you are my first client, it's free!

* Demonic laugh *

(Fred) Ok, Why are you laughing?

(Death) No, nothing! I thought about dead children! That made me laugh !

(Fred) Well OK, I'll take this game, but what are you-...

(Death) Uh, what? No, sorry, I didn't hear, I was packing up my stand.

Uh, there's some really shady guys lurking around here!

(Opening theme that we never skip because we love it, DON'T WE, CHILDREN?!?)

(Fred) Hello everyone! This week, we'll talk about something completely different! You know ...

ROOM OF JOUEUR DU GRENIER, 5 SECONDS AFTER THE OPENING.

(Fred) It's useless. I'm sorry, but really ...

(Seb) Yeah, but it's cool!

(Fred) Anyway, this week we will talk about something completely different.

You know, when I talk about retro games, in general, I'm talking about... Consoles!

But retro games weren't only on consoles.

Perhaps some of you owned this thing!

Or this kind of thing too!

Yeah, huh... It's hard to imagine for young people but,

for example, the games of that era could look like this!

Or not like anything at all

since there was a way to get games that you could code on your own!

So then, you had to slog through pages and pages of code in Basic

And if you made one single error, in the end there were errors everywhere and you looked like this:

*Godzilla yell*

Yes, because there was no way to correct a mistake that was far behind

In fact, you had to erase everything up until the point where you made the mistake!

No, but look at this book a little, honestly...

It's hard to imagine that you could spend hours and hours on end

as a kid typing this stuff. And to top it off, we thought it was fun!

How times have changed!

(2004 Child) And then, I used Magikarp to do bonus damage on his Geodude!

That sounds super fun!

(1984 Child) And then I used a command subroutine

to reset to zero the Line-Input!

You were adopted!

You know, sometimes I wonder what became of the children that used to play around with these codes?

Hello, my name is Lawrence. I am a programmer in Java Script

Ajax DHTLM PHP + 3.

Look what you did to our youth, Amstrad!

You heartless monsters!

But hey, it's true that the 80s were another world!

There was even some children's programming about it on TV!

(Programmer) Do you know that programming,

that is, the work we do on a computer, is accessible to everyone?

And it is also within the reach of young children like you, aged 8 years, 10 years...

Sometimes even younger! You know that?

(Girl) No.

(Fred) Ah programming, it's wonderful!

And if not, do you like Gladiator movies?

Well, fortunately, there were tapes that allowed you to play quickly.

And when I said quickly, I meant this:

(Seb) Stop doing that, you're going to break it!

(Fred) Well, "quickly"... in 8, 10 minutes, yeah!

Beause yes, when you complain about loading times,

look what real loading times were like back then!

Anyway, today I'll tell you about one of the most atomic dungheaps of the Amstrad: Airwolf!

(Funny music)

*Classical music* Nervousness Techniques on Keyboard, by Joueur du Grenier!

Number 1 !

If you do not succeed, try typing insulting commands ! (On screen: FUCKING SHIT.)

You never know, it could work!

Number 2!

Hold down a button to produce a loud noise!

This will give you the illusion that you are hurting your computer!

Number 3!

Waltz on keyboard, in B flat!

And if you want to avoid it all, just read the fucking manual!

Hmm, well, until this loads, we have time to talk about something else.

So we'll talk about the NES game. So we, in France, know Airwolf by another name.

Now, I won't say anything, the music will remind you!

* Airwolf Theme ("Supercopter" in France) *

And yes, it's obviously "Supercopter",

the series that many people my age watched at least once,

and thus everyone knew the lyrics to it!

* Singing * Supercorpter, ass on the ground, the--

*censored*

--in the air, its mission is to--

*censored*

--his mom!

Ahhh... We were very creative as youngsters!

So Airwolf, released in '88 in the US, so, ok,

it's a Top Gun-like, as were many others on the NES.

It's not bad, per se, but frankly, this game is as sad as an empty fridge.

All you need to do is adjust the direction and that's it. It's done. The game is over!

You go from point A to point B,

the enemies suicidally line up with the crosshairs of your helicopter,

so good, it's no problem.

And unless you are completely stupid, or only have 2 fingers on each hand,

you can not actually lose the other levels, since, well, take a look:

the path you have to take to pick up the lady down there, it's this:

And the thing to avoid, it's here. So yeah, it's ok. It's doable!

Ok, all the missions are the same, but don't worry,

you will not have time to get bored since this game can be won in 10 minutes!

There's 5 missions! Each mission ends in 2 minutes flat! No kidding!

Yeah, at 500 francs for a new game, you do the math! (500F circa 1988 = 134US$ circa 2016. Dang.)

The game costs you 50 francs per minute! (50F circa 1988 = 13.4US$ circa 2016. Daaaaaaang.)

Geez, if you're gonna pay 50 francs per minute, at least spend it on something much more interesting!

Eh, if you catch my drift ... Such as ...

* Springs squeaking * (erotic music)

...Rent a squeaking bed!

Why did I do this?

So, number 2, I'll tell you about Airwolf 2 released on Amstrad, so ...

Why am I talking about 2 before 1, well it's because

the second is slightly better than the first! And I keep the best for last!

So then, this game is an extremely classic shmup,

and frankly not nice to look at, even for the capacities of the Amstrad,

it looks like a game that was made on ZX Spectrum!

So we still control Airwolf, which from the description of the game,

was sent into space!

Huh? Uh yes, why not! Except, well, of course, if you send a helicopter into space

not only will it not fly, but in addition, the pilot will die.

In short, we simply move by wrecking what shows up and avoiding obstacles,

so it's not terrible, but then again, special mention will go to the music,

it's great! It's super weird to have great music

in a game that's completely rotten!

* Heroic game music *

Ah, it puts you in the mood! It sounds like a super heroic ditty!

(Singing) * Airwolf Copter, Helicopter,

* You'll save the Earth, and the universe *

* You make us proud and punish the worst *

* of all criminals, and conquerors! *

(Voiceover) Airwolf, sung by Bernard Minet! Coming soon!

(Fred) However, it's a shame that they put the crazy music on crappy passages!

It's as relevant as having epic music in an elevator!

* Epic music *

Anyway, Airwolf on NES and Airwolf 2 on the Amstrad were good.

Evidently, not great games, but they were games you could

play while keeping your sanity!

Because before that, there's been another Airwolf!

Airwolf, first of the name! Shipped in '85 for the Amstrad CPC 464,

also made by Elite, the same studio which, I remind you, gave us Dragon's Lair!

So to summarize this game a bit, I would say

if Hitler had become a video game developper,

he would have participated in the creation of this game!

It's a bit of a Best Of of all the worst things game have to offer.

First the music: it's the Airwolf theme,

you will hear it ad nauseam until you're completely sick of it.

And like with all the songs that piss you off, you'll go through all the steps!

First, step number 1: you're tired of it.

After that, step 2: you hate this song,

but, not knowing why, you start to sing along!

* Singing * Doodoodoo doodoodoodoo doodoodoodoo, doodoodoo...

And finally, step number 3: You sing it,

but you replace all the words with insults!

* Singing * Airwolf shit! Holy shit ...

So yeah, eh, let's be fair, there is a button to stop the music, but it only lasts for one life!

Each time you die, you have to re-press the button to turn off the music,

but because in this game you die every 5 seconds, you're permanently pressing it!

I swear, before this video, I loved the Airwolf theme. Now I just say: SHUT UP!!!!

Well then, the game itself is to steer your helicopter into a cave

through the different screens to retrieve these white spots seen here.

So, once and for all, sirs game designers,

I am not a military expert

but I think that when an enemy is hiding in a cave, we don't send helicopters in!

Already the first thing that gets on your nerves when you start this game is the gameplay! Well I mean ...

Unlike other games of the same genre, here we have a gravity effect.

So whenever you release your joystick, your helicopter falls.

So that means that throughout the game, constantly,

you're forced to compensate by giving small light upward strokes

to make sure you aircraft doesn't get grounded!

And that's really what's going to ruin your life throughout the game! Let's look at these blue bars, for example:

To pass by these bars, you have to break them by shooting at them.

And obviously, it's not like, "you hit it 5 times and they go away", eh...

They must be destroyed, PIXEL. BY! PIXEL!!!!!

Now imagine how much it sucks when there is only a single pixel remaining

with your helicopter going up and down all the time!

It's like doing archery on a fucking trampoline!

COME ON!!!!!

OHHHH!!! MY GOD!!!!!!

AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!

And besides, seriously, you saw it, sometimes it shoots quickly and sometimes no!

Well, it's because, in this game, you can only shoot

one bullet at a time!

You have to wait until the bullet fired by your chopper

goes out of the screen or hits a wall in order to shoot another!

That's why when I miss the target, we have to wait

for the bullet to exit the screen before shooting the next one!

Obviously, if you have only 1 pixel left, you can not proceed, it eats up all your life in one shot!

Oh, they have ... I forgot to say this but there is indeed a life bar!

Yeah, it's down there. But seriously it could be some idiot dancing

and it would be the same, it's so useless!

You know, in many games, when you take damage

there's a small time of invincibility where your character flashes. Here, there's nothing! Absolutely nothing!

Here, when you touch a wall, your life is obliterated in less than a second!

Seriously, but, in this game you're constantly hitting the walls.

Look at your helicopter, it's the size of the cave, geez!

Even with screen transitions! Even when all goes well, the game surprises you!

Like here, for example: You go down a screen, all is well.

And presto, below, at the end of scrolling, BAM!! You crash in the wall! And you die!

Same here: You're avoiding the wall, you're going up,

and actually, no! At the change of the screen, you're dead! Hey ! There's no continuity between the screens!

Really, the guys who did this, they had to be programming with one hand!

(Seb) But seriously! You already managed to code while holding a diaper?

(Joke Failed)

(Fred) Seriously, I swear to you that I hate, I detest the maneuverability in this game!

To pick up the white dots, which are the objective of this game,

you have to face forward, which is the only position that allows you to shoot downwards.

There we go, just like that! And now you see

the usual situation of this shitty game

is that you miss by one pixel! And thus, it doesn't work!

Obviously, there's no way to move sideways,

you are forced to make large, wide movements to try to place yourself over it!

Come on, we're licking the walls, we miss by a hair, come on ladies & gentlemen,

the party continues! WOO-HOO!!!!!

Come on, since we're not afraid, we'll try another,

we'll try to place ourselves to the left. Now we're on the left!

We hit to the left! Still not well placed! Is it there ... No, now we're on the right!

Right side now! We try to place ourselves! No, still to the left! To the left!

To the right! To the right! To the left! To the left! To the right!

To the left and to the right! Yay, it's good! Come on!!!

Airwolf comes free with a noose! Hooray!

AAHHH!! So much fun we're having! And wait, you think this is a difficult passage?

But this is an easy passage!

It's very easy! Look at what is a real difficult passage in this game!

Right here! Your copter has to go through it! This is not a joke! I'm serious... Completely serious!

You know, I often use the term "right down to the nearest pixel" in these videos.

Often wrongly. But here, it's literal!

That's the nearest pixel! The real one-pixel margin!

Here, there is absolutely no margin! Total lack of wiggle room!

To go there, you have to touch the pixels

of the weird floating thing!

And then, we must, as always, compensate

so that we don't hit the ground, because your helicopter continues to drop down, of course!

And we must also not overcompensate by going too high because otherwise

the tail of your helicopter will hit the flames you see here,

coming from a rocket, which kill you in one hit!

OK, so now, look at the flames of the rocket.

Eh, you know there's often passages like this in video games,

with something that reaches down and goes up at regular intervals, like in Dragon's Lair, for example.

Moreover, note that in Dragon's Lair, the thing stays up long enough to pass under, there's some margin.

Now look at the pace of the flames here!

Ok, so, we can't touch the ceiling, can't touch the ground, can't touch the barrel,

and we can't touch the flames. Let's follow the rhythm of the rocket!

Tac, tac, tac, tac, tac... tac, tac!

(Sigh) Tac!

WHAT DID YOU SMOKE?!?!?

But how!? HOW?!!?

Look at the rhythm of the flames here! Who the fuck do they think I am, Naruto?!?

And then too, but ...

But what's a fucking rocket doing in a cave?!?

Go, c'mon, squeal! SUFFER, YOU FUCKING PIG!!!!

The only time I made it was luck! Nothing other than luck!

Look at that, I zoom in to the extreme on the video

to make you understand the absolute delirium of this passage!

Look at the photo finish!

There's a one pixel margin!!!

I hope you realize how small a pixel is, eh?!

Over here the rotor blades of your helicopter touch the roof's pixel

and the bottom is at one pixel of the floating thing!

This is ridiculous, and...

it was the first time I passed this, so what was my reaction?!

Damn, I passed! Shit, what do I do now?!? What do I do!?!?? AAAAHHHHH!!!!!

And wait up! Christmas isn't over! Because not only is this passage, which is the real path, impossible

but the designers of this game also set up a fake secret passage!

Right here! To make you believe that this is the way to take, you never know!

When in fact this isn't doable because you can't break the blue stuff without touching the ceiling!

Ok, good. This time it's clear, Elite System, I add you to my list of enemies!

Well then, I recap!

So you have to pass through the various screens of this level

I showed you 5 or 6, but there are 11 in total!

In these screens here, you have to get those white dots by pulling on them.

I think you understood just how much of a hassle it is to pick just the first!

It takes me 30 seconds already just for that one!

And now, the final joke:

You must finish the WHOLE LEVEL IN UNDER 50 SECONDS!!!!

Wait, no, no, no! I'm saying bullshit here! Even that's been fucked up!

They couldn't even code a simple fucking countdown without bugs!

Sometimes the timer adds 10 seconds, and sometimes removes 10!

All this without any logic! Look at the clock!

THIRTEEN!

TWELVE!!!

ELEVEN!!!!!!!

ZERO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

* Singing the tune to Auld Lang Syne * LA LA LALA !!!

* LALA LALA * !!!!

*Pan*

So frankly, I'm sorry, but no, I can't! I really can't!

This game, there's only 11 screens!

Yet there are 4 errors per screen! It's incredible!

Even on purpose, you can't put as many bugs in a game like this!

Besides, I went to check on the Net afterwards,

I really wanted to see what the end of this level looked like.

Even see level 2, but...

But you know what!? This game has no end!!!

When you get to the last room of the level,

The game freezes and hangs! It's inevitable!

The game crashes... As soon as you arrive in the last room! It's incredible !

It's like if there's a higher power that's keeping you from finishing the game!

It's like if... As if you weren't supposed to finish the game, as if...

The game was not designed for mere mortal humans!

I don't know, maybe that ... That beating Airwolf will create a kind of rift

in the space-time continum that will bring about the end of the universe!

I'll get it!!!!

OOOhhhhh!!!!!

I got this! I got this!!

I'll beat Airwolf!! Holy shit, I'll beat Airwolf!!!

(Zeus) Ulysses! I mean... Joueur du Grenier!

You challenged the gods!

This game was not intended for mortals!

Anyone who defies the power of Zeus will play Dragon's Lair!

(Fred) Uh ... I did it 2 months ago!

(Zeus) Uh... Ninja Turtles!

(Fred) That one was done a while ago, wow!

(Zeus) Dark Castle!

(Fred) That one I finished!

(Zeus) Fuck, you really have a shitty life! And E.T. as well?

(Fred) Oh, it wasn't that bad!

(Zeus) Barbie! Barbie? Don't tell me you played Barbie?

(Fred) Ummm...

(Zeus) My poor man, you have endured a lot!

* "The 3 Musketeers" cartoon theme *

***