Can Separation Help Reconcile A Broken Marriage? - YouTube

You know, I often get asked the tough question, "How can separation help reconcile a broken marriage?

And, if you are physically separated, how can the marriage be worked on when you're living apart?"

So let me tackle the first question, "Can separation help reconcile a marriage?" And the answer is:

Sometimes it can. And sometimes it doesn't.

But the question is, how? How does it help a marriage?

If you're physically apart, how does separation help a marriage get back together?

So, initiating a physical separation is a tough decision for most people to make.

Because it feels very scary to finally draw a line in the sand

and say to your spouse, "I'm not gonna live this way any longer."

Separation is a strong, strong boundary that can function as a splash of cold water

that wakes up a destructive individual to the consequences of his or her sin.

But, then the next question becomes, "Well, if you're separated, then how can you work on the

marriage if you're living apart?"

Well, there are lots of ways for you to see if

marital trust can be rebuilt, starting with after separation,

is your spouse able to accept your "no" and does he respect your boundary of the separation

without threats, whining, and manipulating you?

While separated, can he show you he is working on changing his ways by getting help for his own self

by being honest with you, by taking good care of you financially, even while separated.

And showing the children that he's more patient and loving than he's been in the past?

Yes, the marriage has some issues to work on, for sure,

but understand this: when there's been chronic anger, chronic abuse, chronic

deceit, indifference, sexual infidelity, and addiction

these are not marriage problems.

They cause marriage problems, for sure. But they're more about your

spouse's character, their sinful tendency, and their own emotional and spiritual immaturity.

He needs to recognize that he has a problem and he needs help.

And, before he can change, he needs to see this. So, understand: a person won't change

or can't change something if they won't see it or they won't admit it.

So, marital separation affords the opportunity for your husband to take a good, hard look at

himself and the reason why you separated.

No guarantees he'll do it but a separation can function like a whiff of strong ammonia

meant to jolt him into consciousness. Awakeness.

And, hopefully, even alertness.

Now, most women hope that their marriage can be saved.

But you cannot save a marriage all by yourself.

It takes two to truly reconcile a broken marriage.

And, when your husband has no interest in talking about the problems that have

occurred or working on himself to change them, don't hope for change.

Often, what you see instead is a destructive individual who feels entitled

to have a good marriage.

His mindset isn't directly expressed but it goes something like this:

"I want to do what I want to do with no accountability or responsibility

towards you as my wife but I also want and expect all the blessings of a close

and loving relationship, especially a frequent sex life.

That thinking is not realistic or healthy, nor is it a godly view of marriage or maturity.

It's hard sometimes to face that your husband really isn't interested in changing himself

or rebuilding your broken trust.

But the truth is: you cannot build a healthy relationship with someone who's unhealthy

or who's uninterested in doing his own work.

If he begs to come home, that does tug at your heartstrings and

it's tempting to believe, "Oh, he gets it and now he won't repeat this bad behavior.

However, that's unlikely. He begs to come home because it's painful or

uncomfortable for him or inconvenient for him to live apart,

not necessarily because he truly sees that he needs to change and he's willing to do the hard work to do so.

For separation to be effective you have to be strong

enough to keep that boundary until he not only sees he has his own work to do but he's actually doing it.

And you start to see the positive fruit of change in his heart and in his mind.

He must come to understand why the separation was

necessary in the first place and take responsibility for his problems in order for him to start working on them,

to hopefully earn your trust back and to begin to save and rebuild your marriage.

But, in the end his motivation has to be

even more than that. It must be to heal himself and save himself from his own

foolish thinking and past choices. So that even if your marriage doesn't make it,

he continues to grow and get healthier. Because a healthy relationship

is made up of two separate, healthy people who are perfectly capable of

taking good care of their own selves while they demonstrate genuine love for each other.

Sometimes, especially when we've married young,

we've become overly dependent on our spouse and that gives him a lot of power

over you to treat him any way he wants knowing that you'd be too afraid to leave.

Now, if that's you, separation can be a time for both of you to do your own

work in order for you both to mature and grow into full adulthood.

That means that you have to become not afraid to be alone or take care of yourself or your children

and are capable of doing so.

That doesn't mean you still don't want to be married. Of course you do.

Or that you don't toward reconciliation when a relationship's been broken.

However you're not seeking reconciliation just because

you're too afraid or not capable of being alone or taking care of yourself.

Take care and God bless.