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Relationships and Intimacy after 50: Dealing with a Sexless Marriage? What Men Need to Know! - YouTube
Channel: 2nd Act TV
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who were you when she wanted to have sex聽
with you who were you can you remember a聽聽
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time when she came after you and she聽
was open and soft and always willing聽聽
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well that was 26 years ago聽
i remember that well right
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thanks for joining us again on second act tv happy聽
that steve horseman well he's here for another聽聽
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segment with me we were going to do three and then聽
we started talking again now we're going to do a聽聽
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fourth one which from with the topic my goodness聽
that has certainly hit home for me steve and that聽聽
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is dealing with a sexless marriage and anyway聽
welcome back thank you thank you for having me i聽聽
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appreciate it we'll link to our previous聽
segments uh steve is the founder of good聽聽
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guys to great men a platform dedicated聽
to men struggling in their relationships聽聽
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and well a sexless marriage certainly is is a聽
struggle and i've said this on other shows so聽聽
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i'm not talking out of school here i was uh聽
you know my marriage i was 10 years with not聽聽
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no sex anyway for us it didn't work out for聽
you listening maybe it can so steve talk to聽聽
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us about that how do you deal how does a man聽
how do you advise a man to deal with a sexless聽聽
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marriage and to put it in context because there's聽
many different scenarios this could be later in a聽聽
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relationship and you've been sleeping separately聽
for 10 years or this is not about that long-term聽聽
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problem because that's almost unsolvable long-term聽
it was for us yeah but but in the first year or聽聽
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two when this is going on and you're sleeping on聽
the couch or she's making excuses to sleep in the聽聽
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guest room or with the kids and there's just no聽
sexual intimacy whatsoever the first thing men聽聽
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come in to ask us is how can i get her to have sex聽
and i'm sorry can you tell me more about that i'll聽聽
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say well she doesn't want me to see her naked she聽
changes in the closet she locks the bathroom door聽聽
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she won't touch me when i touch her she聽
recoils like i had a red hot poker on my hand聽聽
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and um and and i just want to have sex and i'm聽
going well you're telling me that she sees you as聽聽
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the devil himself and you're wondering why you're聽
not having sex and well if i could just do that聽聽
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i think everything would be all right and this聽
gets back to the cliche that if we can only as聽聽
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men have sex then we can connect emotionally and聽
the women's cliche is that if i can only connect聽聽
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emotionally i'll finally trust him enough to have聽
sex and there is some meat to that old cliche now聽聽
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what do we tell men who said i want i want sex聽
first of all we laugh i'd say come on dude did you聽聽
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just hear yourself do you hear everything she's聽
doing and you think if you can go get inside her聽聽
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and have intercourse all of a sudden your magic聽
wand is going to fix everything right and then聽聽
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we get him to laugh a little bit yeah it's kind聽
of stupid like cart before the horse isn't it聽聽
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who were you when she wanted to have sex with you聽
who were you can you remember a time when she came聽聽
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after you and she was open and soft and always聽
willing well that was 26 years ago i remember that聽聽
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well right but the thing is we teach this guy聽
this this guy call him brian that who you were聽聽
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back then were more confident you were more聽
available emotionally you're more attentive聽聽
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you were more respectful you had more stuff聽
to do with your life than just be a husband聽聽
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you had there was something other about you聽
that she found interesting and that the word聽聽
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other is something that you know esther perel uses聽
in her mating in captivity book it's that other聽聽
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and by the time you have a woman getting dressed聽
in the closet kicking you out of the bathroom聽聽
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sleeping in the kid's bedroom by the time you聽
have that you the other you have become is聽聽
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something that's oppressive scary intimidating and聽
dangerous and so we instead of trying to impress聽聽
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her in trying to get her to have sex with you聽
let's impress yourself let's work on impressing聽聽
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yourself let's go all the way back to your 26th聽
birthday when you're a rock star you're in shape聽聽
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you dug yourself you had great friends you went聽
wind surfing or golfing on weekends you had a life聽聽
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you really liked your life and you liked her and聽
she liked you because you liked yourself and you聽聽
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liked your life and you liked her and so this聽
other that you've become isn't really you this聽聽
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stodgy you know robotic husband father housekeeper聽
you know money maker guy that's that's what's聽聽
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caused the problem and so well god i thought聽
well we got married we made vows we're supposed聽聽
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to have sex give me a break there's no contract聽
for sex it's not a fringe benefit of marriage聽聽
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so sex comes when you are that guy now of course聽
if you do get divorced the same thing applies you聽聽
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will have more sex than you've ever dreamed about聽
when you find that lane now can you find that lane聽聽
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while she's sleeping in the kid's bed dressing聽
in the closet and kicking you out of the bathroom聽聽
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you have to you have to have to have to you聽
have to find that lane to become that other for聽聽
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yourself forget about sex forget about touching聽
her forget about swatting her on the butt in聽聽
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the kitchen forget about all the sexy jokes you聽
used to make be solid be grounded be present be聽聽
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fun be surprising be adventurous be mysterious聽
don't give a [ __ ] about what everybody thinks聽聽
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about you right and the f word comes out聽
when we say that to a guy it's like yeah聽聽
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and he gets his mojo back and so what you've聽
lost is your mojo the reason you're not having聽聽
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sex is because you have no mojo guys with no聽
mojo get no sex period and you have to let go聽聽
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of the idea that she's going to divorce聽
you if you start getting your life back聽聽
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because you start to think if we don't聽
have sex soon she's going to divorce聽聽
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me no she'll divorce you more because you聽
don't find your own life that's what she'll聽聽
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divorce very interesting i can see where guys聽
connect with you you're you're very engaging聽聽
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well and you're real i like that very authentic uh聽
two questions come to mind and again i'm thinking聽聽
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of our age group and uh for women of course聽
well one thing that's really important i'm聽聽
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going to ask you about that is the聽
the whole idea of non-sexual touch聽聽
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do you talk about that a lot with your men聽
the importance of it all the time if a woman聽聽
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doesn't like touch if she thinks that you always聽
believe it's going to lead to something exactly聽聽
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and yeah you have to remove the energy of聽
expectation or gamesmanship with your touches聽聽
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yeah we have we've produced several videos聽
on that because we think it's very important聽聽
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that that makes such a difference in terms of聽
getting sex again and then and some men get it聽聽
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a lot of men get it and then you get the聽
comments that well if they know what's if聽聽
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we're not gonna have sex what i mean it's just so聽
obvious i just want to comment back and go here聽聽
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and you're asking you're wondering why you're not聽
getting it just with this attitude so that that聽聽
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is a big i just wanted to bring that up uh you聽
know the other thing is the whole dealing with聽聽
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um menopause and and and sexual dysfunction that聽
is so difficult to talk about that where even the聽聽
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woman doesn't understand herself there's聽
so many other issues to just be aware of聽聽
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that will or will not you know get you back in聽
the sack so to speak do you do you deal with聽聽
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that yeah there's a whole module in how to defuse聽
the divorce bomb on that exactly we talk about聽聽
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hormonal changes we talk about perimenopause聽
menopause vaginal dryness we talk about libido聽聽
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changes we talk about pain during intercourse yes聽
we talk and if a man doesn't have empathy for the聽聽
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fact that every human being on earth has changes聽
in their life and body that makes them feel weird聽聽
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and bad and shameful and ugly and fat right if you聽
don't have the capacity for the empathy for that聽聽
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you're probably never going to have sex with that聽
person again because they see you as an incredibly聽聽
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judgmental critical place of pressure and and and聽
your disappointment and frustration over the fact聽聽
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that they won't open their body to you becomes聽
the the biggest source of turn-off yeah this is聽聽
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where we teach empathy and you have to have some聽
physiological understanding too of what's going聽聽
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on right and again who do you become as a man if聽
she's in that stage this could be an emotionally聽聽
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driven stage a trauma-driven stage or an actual聽
chemical right physiological thing right and so聽聽
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who do you become as a man what that's happening聽
and a lot of times we'll just have if it was聽聽
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cancer let's say it was uterine cancer and it's聽
painful and she doctors said it's 18 months before聽聽
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you're going to have sex again do you love her聽
enough to stay with her 18 more months and every聽聽
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guy every guy 100 goes oh [ __ ] of course i love聽
her i'll take care of her i'll bring her breakfast聽聽
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in bed right and what he's doing is waiting for聽
that 18th month where he can finally have sex聽聽
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right um but but the thing is mentally he knows聽
that he has the capacity to empathize care and and聽聽
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love her in this state of cancer right but if it's聽
something else like she just doesn't want to all聽聽
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of the sudden he takes it personally in the sense聽
of rejection and failure and um being emasculated聽聽
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it triggers the little boy in him to say and do聽
stuff that is the worst possible way to get laid聽聽
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it's the worst way to do it so yeah we bring聽
that to the party to answer your question聽聽
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in a long way yeah and i didn't mean to throw聽
you off track there but i i felt that that was聽聽
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important it's critically important yeah and聽
of course some women will say there i just聽聽
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want you to know that i may go the rest of my聽
life and never have sex with another man you聽聽
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have to get used to that idea we're 50 and聽
that's pretty much over i'm done with that聽聽
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and a guy goes what do you say to that because聽
he's still got the libido of an 18 year old right聽聽
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he's ready to go and she just announced that he's聽
got 30 more years of no sex to look forward to聽聽
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and i would advise the man to leave that i that聽
that that is where i and i tell women you know i聽聽
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that there a lot of it has to do with with the聽
painful sex that is just not enjoyable anymore and聽聽
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and you know the the spark has gone and all聽
that kind of stuff but i mean i'm the perfect聽聽
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example of i that was me i mean you everything聽
you say that was me i'm like classic you know聽聽
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steve horseman client wife you know that you're聽
describing this because we're all so similar聽聽
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i mean that's what's great about this there's聽
no nothing new under the no and i rediscovered聽聽
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sensuality and we do we've done lots of videos聽
on that and hormone replacement bio bio identical聽聽
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hormone replacement whole other topic again but i聽
can first hand tell you that yes you can get your聽聽
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sex your sex drive back big time best sex in my聽
life after 50. so you know and and yeah and i do i聽聽
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want people to feel that that's what they want and聽
and you know i think i would say you you feel the聽聽
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same yeah absolutely i'm unapologetically sexual聽
i'm still 18 years old in my body too and i'm 59.聽聽
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but there's a new place you get to instead of聽
thinking that whatever frequency and length or聽聽
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duration of sex that that you want defines you as聽
a man that that defines your level of happiness聽聽
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well-being and engagement with the world there聽
is a new place of being in relationship where you聽聽
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see that the sex is a byproduct of living a good聽
life good sex is a byproduct of being a good man聽聽
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right being satisfied sexually even if it's less聽
than you ever thought you had is a byproduct of聽聽
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feeling whole in yourself and not thinking that聽
her sexuality is the missing puzzle to your聽聽
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well-being it never was and can't be no no exactly聽
uh have we gotten to what to do i i guess we have聽聽
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i like my conversations with you because聽
we're starting to come to the end we have聽聽
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i don't know two three minutes or so uh what do聽
you want to leave our viewers with on this segment聽聽
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on the sexless marriage first understand that聽
the anxiety and tension and fear and resentment聽聽
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and anger that come up in a man's body when he聽
isn't getting the sexy things he deserves or wants聽聽
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it's a boyish energy it's an immature and聽
insecure energy and there's something behind聽聽
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it there's a fear and there's a a pain behind聽
it that if you can't get a hold of it doesn't聽聽
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matter what woman you're with for the last rest of聽
your life you're going to feel like crap about sex聽聽
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so the first thing you have to do is slow down聽
let her have her space and then get with the聽聽
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group of men who are figuring this stuff out聽
and realize that you have to get to the bottom聽聽
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of your boy of shame and that insecurity that聽
causes this tension and anxiety in your body聽聽
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and once you get a hold of that sex will take聽
care of itself i promise it may not be with her聽聽
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i can't promise with her but i know sex will take聽
care of itself no i i would agree it's funny just聽聽
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hit me again i got a comment just the other day on聽
one of our menopause videos and it uh we titled it聽聽
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as menopause ruining your relationship and there聽
was of course you know you get a lot lots of men聽聽
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complaining about not having sex but there was聽
one way well what about the opposite she wants聽聽
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more sex and i'm just too tired what am i going聽
to do i was like are you kidding me you know聽聽
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that's very common yeah it does go both ways but聽
i think it's largely skewed the other way and聽聽
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i recognize that so well society forgives the聽
the menopausal woman more than they'll forgive聽聽
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a sexless man yes society they have more empathy聽
for her than they do for him they absolutely all聽聽
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he has to do is take a pill and we're as emotional聽
as anybody else that's what i want every man to聽聽
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know that we do not avoid the fact that we're聽
emotional uh articulate feeling deep thinking聽聽
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people and we've been trained most of our life聽
to not let you see it doesn't mean it's not there聽聽
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that's i love that that is so true that is so true聽
well steve again thank you so much i look forward聽聽
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to more segments in the future we will link to all聽
of your information to your course to your website聽聽
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and i look forward to talking with you again聽
on second act tv take care thanks for joining聽聽
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us if you haven't done so already please be聽
sure to subscribe to our channel the button is聽聽
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right over here just click on through to youtube聽
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