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Can You Really Just Go Online and Order a Wife from Some Other Country? - YouTube
Channel: Today I Found Out
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While people have been sending messages back
and forth to arrange marriages sight-unseen
[35]
throughout history, the slightly more modern
concept of mail-order brides is generally
[40]
considered to have originated during the days
of the American Frontier- a region that, for
[45]
a time, was decidedly lacking in members of
the female persuasion.
[48]
At the same time, the east coast of the U.S.
had something of a surplus of single ladies,
[53]
especially following the Civil War.
[55]
Thus, farmers, miners and ranchers frustrated
with the lack of women they didnât have
[57]
to pay, but could rather woo with their abilities
with a spittoon and then start a family with,
[58]
instead eventually took to placing ads in
newspapers across the country looking for
[61]
love.
[62]
Single ladies on the other side, often motivated
by getting out of their present situation
[66]
and finding a devoted man, in turn likewise
took to placing ads for prospective husbands.
[72]
Much like online dating today when matches
were found, the pair would invariably exchange
[76]
saucy letters and at a certain point even
photographs to see if they were suited for
[81]
one another.
[82]
Also like today, this form of match making
came with a huge social stigma with it generally
[85]
considered that the men were just out to get
sex and exploit women, while the women were
[89]
out for financial gain of some sort, or in
more modern times just out for a green card.
[94]
However, with exceptions, the reality for
the most part seems to indicate that, then
[98]
as now, the majorityâs motives were not
nearly so sinister or selfish.
[103]
As law professor and author of Buying a Bride:
An Engaging History of Mail-Order Matches,
[108]
Marcia Zug, states when she started researching
the book, âI expected to find that⊠mail-order
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marriages are fundamentally harmful and that
these problems are long-standing.
[116]
I was surprised that this is not what I found.
[119]
Despite significant risks, mail-order marriages
are typically beneficial and even liberating
[125]
for women.â
[126]
On that note, the ultimate goal for many men
in the days of yore was simply to find a companion
[129]
in life and someone to start and raise a family
with- pretty much like the motivations of
[134]
more traditionally established relationships.
[136]
Indeed, many of ads from men looking for brides
reflect this quite explicitly.
[139]
For example, consider this one from one lonely,
and quite frank, 19th century man:
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I inclose my photograf with My Full Description.
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It shows the features as nachel as can bee
only it is to Dark; I am very lite Complexion,
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Gray eyes, Orbon hair, 6 foot high, waight
190 lbs, inclined to be hump shouldered; A
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Muskler Man and a widower 28 years old with
A Commen Schol Equations, but have Got Anof
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to Atten to Enny Business, I am strictly Morrel.
[166]
Donât use tobacco nor whiskeyâŠ
[168]
I hav Only One Thing to Offer, And it is Neither
Lands Nar Gold.
[171]
But a Strong Arm and a True Hart and will
lay Down My Life for the Rite Girl and Be
[175]
Happy, for I am tired of living Alone.
[177]
The girl that Steels my Hart and takes my
name for the Remainder of My Lif I will make
[182]
Happy, for I am hunting a Girl that I can
idolise and Make a Angel of.
[186]
Of course, others just wanted a more traditional
arrangement for the day- love and emotional
[190]
companionship not really considered at all.
[193]
Case in point, an Arkansas man who wrote in
1855:
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Any Gal thatâs got a bed, a coffee pot,
and a skillit; knows how to cut out britches,
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can make a huntinâ shirt, and knows how
to take care of children, can have my services
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until death parts both of us.
[207]
However, given a study concerning mail order
brides, conducted in 1890 by criminologist
[211]
Arthur MacDonald, this latter type of ad is
unlikely to have swayed the typical woman
[215]
looking to engage in such a mail-order relationship.
[218]
He noted, much to his consternation, that
a large percentage of the women placing and
[222]
responding to these ads were primarily looking
for a much more liberal and equal relationship
[226]
than they could get with their local stock
of men.
[229]
As one woman he interviewed about her motivations
in taking part in such an arrangement noted,
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âI am very independent, and I have views
of my own which some people do not approve
[238]
of.â
[239]
Yet another stated, âI am tired of the society
act, and fancy Iâd like just a tiny bit
[244]
of bohemianism.â
[246]
Also of note when reading these ads is that
the women are unusually forthcoming given
[249]
the time period they were written in, prompting
the aforementioned law professor Zug to surmise
[254]
that such ads were quite liberating for women
of the era as they allowed them âto take
[258]
a more active role in the courtship processâ.
[261]
For example, consider this very frank ad written
by a Missouri woman from 1910:
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Attractive woman, not a day over thirty, would
be pleased to correspond with eligible man.
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Not absolutely necessary that he should be
young.
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Would prefer one with property, but one with
a good paying position would be satisfactory.
[277]
The young lady is of medium height, has brown
hair and gray eyes, not fat, although, most
[282]
decidedly, she is not skinny.
[283]
Her friends say she is a fine looking woman.
[285]
Object matrimony.
[287]
Reason for this advertisement, the young woman
lives in a little dinky town, where the best
[290]
catches are the boys behind the counters in
the dry goods and clothing stores, and every
[294]
one of them is spoken for by the time he is
out of his short pants.
[298]
Or how about this excerpt from an ad placed
by a group of women from Calgary in 1916:
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We have looked over the eligibles here, but
find most of them standing in front of the
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bar or out autoing with somebodyâs else
wife.
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We donât call them men.
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What we want is a real man with real brains
and real honor; a man who would like a good,
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clean wife and a good clean home and honor
them bothâŠ
[320]
Now, if some good bachelor with plenty of
backbone, brains and brawn; who keeps himself
[324]
scrubbed and brushes his teeth; who pays enough
attention to his fingernails to keep them
[327]
from going into mourning for past decency,
wants a home and a homey wife, and thinks
[332]
he can stand a little scolding once in a while
to give spice to life, we shall be mighty
[337]
glad to hear from him and all about him.
[339]
Also yes, you read that last part right- this
ad was indeed written by a group of area women
[344]
looking for a potential male suitor.
[347]
Even a century ago, men looking for love had
to deal with ads about hot single women in
[351]
their area apparently.
[352]
Not only that, but also similar to the modern
world of online dating, we even uncovered
[356]
a few 19th century news stories of men posing
as young women, fake profiles, pictures and
[362]
all, in such mail order bride ads.
[363]
From the few stories we found, it would appear
the motive was primarily to make a fool out
[367]
of men who responded to the ads.
[369]
In one case reported in the New York Times
in 1876, supposedly multiple men were involved
[374]
and even invited a prospective husband to
meet, at which point they doused him in sulfur
[380]
flour, paraffin oil, and pelted him with rotten
eggs as he ran away.
[384]
Moving on to the modern day, the process for
finding a bride is a little more streamlined
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with there existing nearly 3,000 mail order
bride agencies worldwide, around 500 of which
[395]
operate in the United States.
[397]
For the most part, these agencies are functionally
similar to a more traditional dating service
[402]
with the goal being simply to facilitate meetings
between compatible people- just those who
[407]
sign up here are more explicitly looking for
marriage.
[410]
Another major difference, at least in the
United States, is that such mail order bride
[414]
services must adhere to the terms of the The
International Marriage Broker Regulation Act
[419]
of 2005.
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In a nutshell, this requires the agencies
in question to perform extremely extensive
[425]
background checks on prospective male clients.
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Said background check will generally be used
to ensure the person has a clean record, and
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will also be used to discern exact details
of oneâs personal finances and marital status.
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This information is then fully disclosed to
women who are interested in a particular prospect
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to help them make an informed decision.
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It is also required by law in the U.S. that
the agencies insure that no man on the service
[450]
can contact a given woman unless she gives
explicit consent for said individual to be
[456]
able to do so.
[457]
In a nutshell the intention here is to protect
women from being taken advantage of or misled,
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which naturally is a risk when brought to
a country that is wholly foreign to them,
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often with little way to get back.
[469]
On this note, Zug notes, âThe idea that
men are buying women and that the women have
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no say, no free will, basically that theyâre
trafficked [is not true] ⊠mail-order brides
[478]
are very much, in most cases, in control.
[480]
It doesnât mean that it always works out.
[483]
But they know what theyâre doing in the
sense that they believe that this is going
[485]
to be something that offers them an opportunity
to improve their lives.â
[490]
Of course, often in such modern potential
matches there exists a language barrier that
[494]
hinders progress in initial meetups.
[496]
As such, most mail-order bride services offer
translation services, allowing clients and
[501]
prospective partners to communicate more effectively-
a service it should be noted most agencies
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charge handsomely for, along with many other
fees leading to frequent accusations being
[510]
levelled against some agencies that theyâre
just preying on emotionally vulnerable men
[514]
and attempting to milk them for all their
worth, with little care as to whether they
[518]
actually ever find a match.
[519]
In fact, the longer it takes to find a match,
the lonelier they potentially get and the
[523]
more the company can make off them.
[525]
As one individual whose made something of
a career in trying to help men and women who
[527]
sincerely want healthy relationships find
each other, Mark Edward Davis, once put it:
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âThe online dating scene, their business
model, is designed to keep you on the website,
[533]
feeding the meter, not finding a wife.â
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Another popular service offered by some, but
not all, mail-order bride agencies is international
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trips to meet prospective partners in person
at events not unlike singles mixers.
[545]
Said events allow clients to meet in person
to see if thereâs a spark, with translation
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services often being on hand to facilitate
communication.
[553]
As you can imagine these trips arenât cheap
and as such, limit the dating pool to reasonably
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wealthy individuals.
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This all brings us around to the meat of the
issue- cost.
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Although mail-order bride agencies are hesitant
to reveal the amount of money they earn per
[566]
male client, it has been estimated that, even
beyond considering the normal costs associated
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with the immigration process when marrying
someone from another country and attempting
[575]
to get them citizenship, most clients will
have spent between $6000 to $10,000 when all
[581]
is said and done.
[582]
Because of the amounts here, this generally
sees the users of such services being older
[586]
men who are either independently wealthy of
have a large amount of money saved.
[590]
Again looking at more modern times, reasons
for using a mail-order bride service vary,
[594]
though most queried men report that they simply
became disenchanted with dating people in
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their own area for various reasons, sometimes
just lack of any options, and other times
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just lack of options that the person likes.
[606]
As one gentlemen aptly put it, âafter my
divorce I noticed that the dating pool was
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very shallow, and wide.â
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As previously alluded to, women who sign up
today report signing up for vaguely similar,
[616]
though slightly more varied reasons- mostly
centered around that they simply want a better
[620]
life for themselves in a better environment,
more freedom than they have back home, and
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a stable and loving partner- a sentiment itâs
hard to disagree with since thatâs more
[629]
or less what most people want from a relationship.
[631]
On this note, as in the days of the wild west,
a curious trend noticed by experts whoâve
[636]
interviewed both men and women involved in
the mail-order bride industry is that: âThe
[640]
mail-order bride business as it now operates
may be in the perverse position of attempting
[644]
to match independent, nontraditional women
with very traditional Western men.â
[649]
Or to put it another way, the mail-order bride
industry is in the hilarious position of trying
[653]
to match men with ultra conservative views
of marriage with confident, often very liberally
[657]
minded women.
[658]
For example, as one man looking for love abroad
via a mail-order bride service stated, he
[662]
felt that his local women were, to quote,
âtoo interested in what I was worth.
[666]
With womenâs liberation in the USA, I had
them calling me, coming to my house.
[669]
Before, the man called the woman when he wanted
to date her; the woman was not the initiator.
[674]
Now is so different from what I grew up with,
so I thought that the best thing to do was
[678]
to meet someone that canât just come to
my house.â
[681]
On this note in a study looking at why American
men who use these services so strongly go
[685]
for Latina women, it was found that the men
in question tended to be looking for women
[689]
who adhered more to the stereotypical classic
mold of a wife- dedicated to home and children
[694]
while letting the man take the lead in more
traditionally manly roles.
[698]
As one such man stated, âThe husband and
wife are equal partners in the family structure,
[702]
though not the same.
[703]
Men and women are different in physical and
mental abilities.
[706]
I feel that the wife has her place in the
family structure, such as giving more care
[710]
to children, the house, and things of that
nature.
[712]
The husband should take care of income and
things of that nature.â
[716]
On the other end, the Latina women generally
considered even these American men to be suitable
[720]
because they found them to be, to quote the
author of said study, âmore faithful, less
[724]
jealous, and less chauvinistic thanâ their
local men.
[728]
Or as one Colombian woman who ultimately married
an American man stated, âI met men in Colombia,
[732]
I was married, I had my experience.
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I decided to look for something different,
try men from another culture that might be
[738]
better than ours.
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American men are more serious; [they] worry
and respect their wife.â
[744]
On this note, in an attempt to explain this
seeming paradox, the aforementioned Marcia
[748]
Zug surmised in an interview with The Guardian
âthat itâs all about perspectiveâ, noting
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that âfor many of these women an unliberated
American man seems like a feministâ when
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compared to the dating pool in their respective
countries of origin.
[760]
Then again, it doesnât seem like this is
all that big a deal considering what little
[764]
data we have access to suggests that the divorce
rates for marriages brokered by mail-order
[769]
bride agencies are in the ballpark of the
rates for the average U.S marriage, though
[773]
of course the potential for deportation until
some level of citizenship or residency is
[777]
established perhaps provides extra motivation
to stay together, where someone found locally
[782]
might have just left a given bad situation.
[784]
On the male side of things, given the large
percentage of men with very traditional values
[787]
and views on marriage participating, they
likewise might be slightly more motivated
[792]
to stay together even in a bad situation,
both because of these views and also potentially
[796]
knowing the possible consequences to the woman
should they divorce her.
[800]
In any event, to sum up the answer to the
question posed- yes, you can indeed go online
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and find a bride through so-called mail-order
bride agencies, and remarkably peopleâs
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motivations both in the days of the wild west
and today in entering into such arrangements
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seem pretty much to be the same, and not really
that different than the motivations most everyone
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has when wanting to find a companion in life.
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And
for
[879]
the curious, it turns out there are also mail
order husband websites out there, but as you
[900]
might expect, they arenât nearly as popular
as
[914]
their lady-filled counterparts.
[919]
Also
for those curious- yes the author and editor
[938]
of this pieceâs suggested ads
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were a complete mess after researching this
topic, even prompting the editorâs wife
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to ask some pretty poignant questions when
later observing said ads that were coming
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up on his computerâŠ
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Weâd also now like to apologize for the
ads youâre no doubt now getting thanks to
[1020]
reading this piece.
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