馃攳
Childfree Marriage - Our Life Without Kids Update - YouTube
Channel: Vanessa and Xander Marin
[4]
[Laughter]
[9]
exactly
[9]
one year ago we published a video about
[12]
how we are
[13]
not planning to have kids at the time it
[16]
was something we had never talked about
[17]
publicly before
[18]
so it really felt like a huge deal to us
[21]
yeah i remember us
[22]
planning out that video and just having
[24]
this big conversation of like
[26]
do we actually want to share this on the
[28]
internet you know we were really worried
[30]
about what's the kind of judgment that
[32]
we're going to get from people
[33]
are people going to be really harsh or
[35]
cruel in their comments
[37]
and so we were so nervous to be talking
[39]
about it for the first time we really
[41]
weren't sure if it was something that we
[43]
wanted to do or not
[44]
but now that a year has passed actually
[47]
it only took like really a couple of
[48]
weeks
[49]
for us to start seeing all the comments
[51]
start to flood in
[52]
of people thanking us for sharing our
[55]
story so
[55]
there are tons of comments on that
[57]
original video i'm pretty sure it's
[59]
still our number one video
[61]
um we got you know hundreds of messages
[64]
on instagram
[65]
of people who came over there to say hi
[66]
or emails that people sent to us
[69]
and we really heard from people from all
[71]
walks of life we heard from other
[73]
child free couples who said thank you
[75]
for saying this out loud and publicly
[77]
like it makes me feel better about my
[79]
decision
[79]
we heard from people who are parents and
[82]
said like it's just really brave of you
[84]
guys to discuss the pros and cons
[86]
and even people who are saying you know
[87]
i'm so glad that i have children but i
[90]
do wish that there had been
[91]
more open and transparent conversations
[94]
of the effects that children can have
[96]
on your life in your relationship again
[98]
not that it was they made the wrong
[100]
decision
[100]
but just that they wanted more of those
[102]
open conversations and we also heard
[104]
from lots of couples who are still
[105]
undecided
[106]
and feeling a lot of pressure and stress
[108]
about like gosh how do we make this
[110]
really big decision we're you know
[112]
we're so worried about it so it's been
[114]
great hearing from everyone
[115]
and getting all of your support
[117]
seriously it means the world to us
[119]
it may look like we're having a lot of
[120]
fun up here but a lot of times things
[122]
that we're saying are very vulnerable
[124]
and it feels really scary to put that
[126]
out there so
[127]
we just can't tell you enough how much
[128]
we appreciate your support
[130]
thank you so in today's video we are
[132]
going to do a little bit of a follow-up
[134]
and check in on how we've been feeling
[136]
exactly
[137]
one year later have we changed our minds
[139]
do we already have a kid so
[141]
we're also going to share some of the
[143]
comments from that original video
[145]
well if you're brand new to our channel
[147]
then hello we are vanessa and xander
[150]
marin vanessa here is a sex therapist
[152]
and we've been together for 13 years and
[154]
our channel is all about giving
[156]
you the tools tips and techniques to
[158]
create a truly extraordinary
[159]
relationship
[160]
inside of the bedroom and out so if you
[162]
already know you're interested in that
[164]
just go ahead and hit that subscribe
[166]
button
[166]
right now so in case you didn't see our
[169]
original video
[170]
we'll include a link to that right here
[172]
be forewarned though
[174]
the quality is pretty low that was
[176]
before we had a proper youtube setup
[178]
not that we have a proper setup but not
[181]
this
[181]
nice little backdrop better camera all
[184]
that stuff we have upgraded majorly and
[186]
when i look back at that video i'm like
[188]
oh my gosh i'm so grateful that people
[190]
are watching it because it's
[191]
uh it's of interesting quality we were
[193]
just trying to get started
[195]
thanks for sticking with us so in that
[197]
video we talk about our reasons for not
[199]
wanting to have kids and our journey to
[201]
coming to that decision
[203]
together so quick recap we talked about
[206]
things like
[206]
emotional financial and the
[208]
environmental impact of having kids
[210]
we talked about how our lives already
[212]
feel really full and satisfying exactly
[215]
as they are
[216]
right now and we love having the space
[218]
that we do in our lives for our
[219]
relationship
[220]
and each other and most importantly for
[223]
us and i think this is also the thing
[224]
that has resonated with the most people
[227]
is that we haven't felt the active
[230]
desire to have a kid we haven't felt
[232]
that like
[233]
tugging on our heart like we want a
[235]
child we want to bring a life into this
[237]
world
[238]
and what i said in the original video is
[240]
that we both believe that
[241]
children really deserve to be wanted not
[244]
to be brought into this world because
[246]
their parents are unsure or maybe
[248]
they'll think they're gonna regret it
[249]
later but like
[249]
actively passionately wanted and so that
[253]
was again a thing that really resonated
[254]
with a lot of people something that
[256]
we're continuing to feel
[257]
you know to this day and we also talked
[260]
about some of the things that we would
[262]
feel
[262]
sad to miss out on um we're going to
[264]
talk about this in another minute in the
[266]
video but we
[267]
mentioned in the original video things
[269]
like you know not seeing each other
[271]
take on the role of mother or father not
[273]
being able to talk to our parents and
[275]
tell them hey you're going to be
[276]
grandparents
[278]
all right so now let's talk a little bit
[279]
about how we're feeling today
[281]
a year later and i guess whether or not
[283]
we have a kid hiding behind the chair
[285]
spoiler alert we don't but yeah we're
[289]
still feeling like we're probably not
[290]
going to have kids
[292]
but we're still not fully closing the
[294]
door
[295]
we have talked about me getting a
[297]
vasectomy in the near future
[299]
but no decision quite yet yeah just the
[301]
other day i
[302]
asked the ender i was like okay what
[304]
percentage of you
[305]
wants to have kids and i think you said
[308]
10
[309]
did i yeah which i was really funny
[311]
because i was about to say ten percent
[313]
too
[314]
well i guess we're on the same page we
[315]
are 90 not wanting to
[317]
10 kind of wanting to yeah we're feeling
[320]
really confident
[321]
and supported especially in deciding to
[323]
be open
[324]
about our thought process and kind of
[326]
where we're at
[327]
online we also in releasing that video
[330]
realize there are so many more child
[332]
free couples than we
[334]
had ever thought we kind of thought that
[336]
we were an
[337]
outlier and we just heard from a lot of
[339]
people that we're in a similar situation
[341]
as we are and that felt really nice to
[343]
know it's also just felt really good
[345]
hearing
[346]
from you guys that you like to hear us
[348]
being really vulnerable and that
[350]
that's valuable to you yeah so one thing
[353]
that we have been going through over
[354]
this last year is just
[355]
really allowing ourselves to grieve what
[358]
life could look like
[359]
if we did have kids so we've always
[362]
tried to be really open about the fact
[363]
that like
[364]
we think that there would be a lot of
[366]
amazing things
[367]
that having kids would bring into our
[369]
lives like i'm sure we would love that
[371]
experience and
[373]
love seeing our kids and being good
[375]
parents like i feel fully confident that
[376]
both of us would be great parents
[378]
so i think you know when you make a
[380]
really challenging decision like this a
[382]
lot of us have the temptation to want to
[384]
make the decision that we didn't make
[386]
seem like the bad choice
[388]
you know so it would be really easy for
[390]
us to focus on like oh yeah
[391]
kids are so hard and we'd fight all the
[394]
time and they're so expensive
[395]
but like that's you know it's just not
[397]
realistic and it's not a good way to go
[400]
about tough life decisions like when we
[402]
make a tough decision in life it's
[403]
because
[404]
both options we can see them being good
[407]
so we don't think it's worth trying to
[409]
ignore or banish
[410]
all of the good things so it's okay to
[412]
acknowledge that there would be a lot of
[414]
positive things that would come into our
[416]
lives
[416]
from having kids acknowledging that
[418]
positivity like that doesn't mean that
[420]
we've made the wrong decision
[422]
so there's a great piece by cheryl
[425]
strade
[425]
she writes about the ghost ship where
[428]
she kind of discusses like thinking
[429]
about the two paths that your life could
[431]
have taken based on what decision you
[433]
chose
[434]
and that it's okay to grieve the ghost
[436]
ship that like
[437]
alternate path that your life could have
[439]
taken so there have definitely been
[440]
plenty of moments for me where
[442]
you know i'll see a really cute kid just
[444]
being so adorable and i'll feel that
[447]
that moment of like oh man i wonder what
[449]
my kid would look like
[450]
or even i'll see xander being really
[452]
sweet with the pugs and i'm like i bet
[454]
watching xander be really sweet with our
[456]
child would be this times a thousand
[458]
don't tell that to the i know don't
[459]
tell them
[460]
but you know i think it's it's just been
[462]
a good and a healthy thing to
[465]
let myself have those little moments of
[467]
grief of sadness
[468]
and i let myself feel them like that
[470]
grief in a weird way is making me feel
[473]
like i am making the right decision
[475]
because it's like i'm being very honest
[477]
and open and wholehearted about what
[480]
that decision could look like on either
[482]
way i'm not trying to like
[483]
ignore anything or reject anything right
[486]
yeah i think
[487]
i think a lot of us when we make big
[489]
decisions are
[490]
really tempted to turn it into like
[493]
there's a really good decision and
[494]
there's a really bad decision because we
[496]
don't want to acknowledge we don't want
[498]
to have that tough conversation
[500]
with ourselves about what are the things
[502]
i'm gonna miss out on
[504]
by making you know by not making this
[506]
decision
[507]
and you know really feeling what that
[509]
would be like and like vanessa said
[511]
grieving for it and so often times all
[514]
we do is we focus on the negative stuff
[516]
about the decision we're not going to
[517]
make and we kind of like demonize it
[519]
a little bit and that gets really hard
[521]
because then we won't allow ourselves to
[523]
acknowledge that there are things that
[525]
could have made us happy
[527]
so we also sort of have a new goal too
[530]
there's something that has come up you
[531]
know in our community over the last year
[533]
we've been talking more openly about us
[535]
not wanting to be parents
[537]
we've been talking you know to parents
[539]
sharing stuff that you know parents
[541]
share with us
[542]
and we've definitely noticed that there
[544]
can be this dynamic of
[545]
couples who decide to have kids and
[547]
couples who decide not to have kids
[549]
feeling like we're opponents like we're
[551]
kind of against each other in certain
[553]
ways
[553]
and i think that both sides feel a lot
[555]
of judgment from the other side
[557]
like people who choose not to have
[559]
children they feel like they're being
[560]
judged for being selfish or
[562]
immature or stuff like that people who
[564]
have kids feel like
[566]
you know they're being judged for
[567]
different reasons and we just think that
[568]
this dynamic is so
[570]
unhelpful and so unnecessary
[573]
like we don't want to judge anybody
[576]
we're not saying because we make a
[578]
decision that feels right for us in our
[579]
lives that does
[580]
not mean we think you should be making
[582]
that decision we don't know what your
[584]
lives look like we don't know what your
[586]
hearts look like there's no way for us
[588]
to tell you
[589]
what you should do with your life so i
[591]
think that this
[592]
you know this dynamic makes just creates
[594]
a lot of unnecessary tension
[596]
and feelings of resentment against each
[598]
other so what we're trying to do you
[600]
know as
[601]
respectfully and as delicately as we can
[604]
is try to break down a little bit of
[606]
that barrier and recognize you know hey
[608]
parents we see you we respect the
[610]
decision that you've made we will
[612]
never know what it feels like to be a
[615]
parent
[615]
even if we did have kids we will never
[617]
know what it feels like for
[619]
you to be a parent and you know to your
[621]
kids in your family
[622]
so we never want to make assumptions
[624]
about what people's lives look like
[626]
but we do want to help you feel as
[628]
supported as possible so
[630]
with our you know instagram community
[632]
for example that's been things like
[633]
asking parents hey what tips do you have
[636]
that you can share with other parents so
[637]
we're not coming to you from a place of
[639]
you know we know it all here's exactly
[641]
what to do but yeah really trying to
[643]
recognize we can all support each other
[645]
in the decisions that we make
[647]
someone making a decision isn't a
[648]
judgment of somebody else making a
[650]
different kind of decision
[652]
and you know we think that the we have a
[654]
lot of energy
[655]
and time that is freed up by us not
[657]
having kids
[658]
that we can funnel into supporting
[661]
couples
[662]
parents families that need our support
[664]
yeah we just
[665]
we all have so much to learn from each
[667]
other and you know if we play into this
[669]
sort of
[670]
like dynamic where we each focus on you
[673]
know
[674]
ourselves parents versus child free
[676]
people
[677]
like we're just gonna miss so many
[679]
opportunities to each learn from each
[681]
other i know we personally have learned
[682]
so much from all the parents in our
[684]
community
[685]
absolutely all right so now we want to
[687]
share some of the comments that we
[688]
received on our
[690]
original video first one says i click on
[693]
each and every child free video because
[695]
so few people are willing to speak about
[697]
it
[697]
i think that was one of the first
[698]
comments that we got and that really
[700]
helped me realize like wow
[702]
people aren't talking about this i mean
[703]
we did feel so vulnerable posting that
[705]
video initially but
[707]
it makes me feel good to know that there
[709]
are other people who want to see these
[711]
kinds of videos want to see these kinds
[712]
of conversations
[713]
yeah all right the next one is as a 66
[717]
year old woman who decided in my 20s to
[719]
remain child free
[720]
i have no regrets at all i am married
[722]
for over 30 years have a loving
[723]
relationship
[724]
close friendships and lots of social
[726]
interests it's okay to decide either way
[728]
i'm just grateful
[730]
that i had the choice to decide for
[731]
myself many women in other societies
[733]
don't get to decide it is expected or
[736]
they are not valued
[737]
oh yeah that's an extremely important
[739]
point that she called out
[741]
and it's great to hear somebody talking
[742]
about you know having a full
[745]
rich life even without kids i think that
[747]
is a
[748]
a judgment that gets made of couples who
[750]
choose not to have them like oh your
[751]
lives are going to be
[752]
you know meaningless yeah yeah no it's
[756]
just yeah it's really great that we have
[758]
the choice yeah we have the choice to do
[760]
what we want around this it's a huge
[761]
privilege
[762]
absolutely all right the next one is a
[764]
little bit long but this is a great
[766]
story that we just wanted to share with
[767]
you guys
[768]
this person writes i cannot thank you
[769]
enough for making this video it's the
[770]
first one that i can actually relate to
[772]
the very few child free videos i have
[774]
seen the woman has known from a very
[776]
young age that she didn't want kids or
[777]
the classic
[778]
or she is the classic career woman which
[780]
is amazing but that wasn't me
[782]
like you and your husband we married
[784]
very young and have been together since
[785]
2008.
[786]
we both talked about having kids and
[788]
wanted it but both agreed at a much
[790]
later time
[791]
first it was after my husband got out of
[792]
the marine corps then it was after he
[794]
finished college and then
[795]
we ran out of excuses to kick the stone
[797]
down the road until we finally said
[799]
is this what we want i love kids but
[802]
like you
[803]
i just don't have that urge my husband
[805]
and i are happy to spend time with each
[806]
other we have three fur babies love
[808]
traveling
[809]
enjoy being financially stable it's not
[811]
completely off the table but we are
[812]
fairly certain that we will be a child
[814]
free couple
[815]
the only thing that breaks my heart is
[816]
not giving my parents a grandbaby
[818]
exactly as you said i've always imagined
[821]
surprising them
[822]
with their announcements and picturing
[824]
their faces i hate that i
[826]
and they would miss out on that but
[827]
they've already assured us that they
[829]
support our decision
[830]
anyway i'm sorry for the long ramble
[832]
it's just so good and not feel alone in
[834]
such a huge decision thank you for being
[836]
so open
[837]
yeah i think it's really nice to just
[838]
have a whole variety of perspectives on
[841]
why you are child free because i think
[843]
that they're definitely out there
[845]
there's a lot of ideas of like
[847]
oh well you're only people that are like
[850]
career women do this
[851]
or people who have been struggling with
[853]
medical issues
[855]
or whatever the case may be but you know
[857]
this is a decision that
[858]
you are allowed to make you know
[860]
whatever your situation is
[862]
absolutely one other thing that we
[864]
forgot to mention is that we've been
[865]
really lucky to have
[866]
two sets of parents who have been very
[868]
supportive of our decision we haven't
[870]
felt yeah
[871]
any sense of pressure guilt anything
[874]
like that so we know that that's
[876]
probably pretty unique unfortunately and
[878]
we're just really grateful
[880]
that we have that support from them yeah
[882]
definitely
[883]
all right the next one is wow thank you
[884]
for sharing this is such a taboo subject
[886]
and people get so uncomfortable about it
[888]
so thank you for holding the space
[890]
if i heard this 10 years ago i was in
[893]
such a different space and wasn't open
[895]
to exploring this topic
[897]
for someone who is having unexplained
[898]
infertility struggles this sure does
[900]
open my eyes to having more of these
[902]
open conversations and i commend
[904]
anyone who is so open and honest about
[906]
not choosing to have children
[908]
not just being one-sided in the
[910]
conversation either having
[912]
both pros and cons to this topic thank
[914]
you
[915]
thank you so yeah reading these comments
[917]
it just means so much to both of us
[920]
we were really nervous to put out that
[922]
video initially but
[923]
the feedback that we have gotten has
[925]
been so positive so
[926]
kind and it just again like we said
[928]
earlier it makes us feel really good
[930]
about making this choice to share
[931]
something so personal with you guys
[933]
so we hope that watching our videos has
[935]
given you the confidence to live life on
[938]
your own terms
[939]
with children or without children we
[941]
really believe that
[942]
each and every couple should have the
[945]
right to make the decision that feels
[946]
the best
[947]
for them and that couple is the only two
[950]
people in the world who know what is
[952]
truly right from
[953]
for them and if you are still trying to
[955]
decide for yourself whether or not you
[957]
want to have children we also have a
[958]
video all about the decision process
[961]
some steps that we walk you through
[962]
about how to decide what the right
[964]
choice is for you so we'll include a
[965]
link to that video in the description
[967]
box or you can also
[968]
click on it right up here all right that
[970]
wraps up our one year update video and
[972]
our decision to be
[974]
child free so if you're liking these
[976]
videos please please please give us a
[978]
like
[978]
hit that red button down below to
[980]
subscribe to our channel and click the
[982]
notification icon so you keep getting
[984]
these videos
[985]
as soon as we post them seriously all
[987]
that stuff helps us
[988]
so so much and if you got to the end
[990]
here i think you're probably maybe
[992]
kind of into it so please help us out
[995]
thanks so much for watching we'll see
[996]
you next time
Most Recent Videos:
You can go back to the homepage right here: Homepage