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Alex Edelman: “How Is Any Millennial Ever Gonna Own a Home?” - Stand-Up Featuring - YouTube
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[1]
- Has anyone seen the
documentary Free Solo?
[3]
(cheers)
[4]
Yes, a whole bunch of you guys.
[6]
If you haven't seen Free Solo,
[8]
it's about a guy
named Alex Honnold.
[11]
Alex Honnold climbed the
northern face of El Capitan
[16]
using nothing but
his fingernails
[20]
and his borderline autism.
[22]
(laughter)
[25]
This guy was not intimidated
by the northern face
[28]
of El Capitan because this
guy can't read expressions
[31]
on any kind of face.
[35]
The hero of the documentary
is not Alex Honnold.
[38]
The hero of the documentary
[40]
is Alex Honnold's
23-year-old girlfriend,
[43]
who is four years
away from realizing
[45]
she's making a terrible mistake.
[49]
Why is every documentary about
like a vanilla psychopath?
[55]
Can we have one documentary
about like just a normal dude
[59]
who works in IT, he
lives in the suburbs,
[62]
he goes to therapy, and
the end of the documentary,
[64]
you find out he didn't need to.
[69]
And instead everything's
about like a maniac
[71]
in search of, like, the
perfect piece of sushi.
[74]
It's unbelievable.
[77]
There is a scene in Free Solo
where they're interviewing
[80]
this guy and his girlfriend,
[82]
and they're like,
"Alex, is there anything
[83]
you're more dedicated to
than climbing El Capitan?"
[85]
And he's like, "No."
[88]
(laughter)
[92]
Here's how sick I am, as
someone who just turned 30.
[95]
The first thing I did
after I saw the documentary
[97]
was Google Alex Honnold,
[100]
and I felt a palpable
sense of relief
[103]
when I realized he was
three years older than me.
[108]
As if in the next three years
[112]
I'm going to get
my shit together
[115]
and become the second man
to free solo El Capitan.
[119]
(laughter)
[122]
I thought, here's the thing.
[124]
I think it's a really weird
time to be a young person.
[126]
And just like, I was
writing on a TV show,
[131]
and at the end of this TV show,
[133]
I checked my bank
balance on the ATM,
[136]
and I had, not to brag,
[138]
5,421 dollars in
my bank account.
[142]
And this is how little I
know about being an adult.
[144]
I saw the bank balance
on the ATM screen,
[147]
and I thought to
myself with no irony,
[152]
I should buy a house.
[154]
(laughter)
[158]
Not a big house, one of those
small 5,000 dollar houses.
[164]
How is any Millennial
ever going to own a home?
[166]
How is any young person
ever going to own a home?
[169]
It's made me hate old people.
[170]
I see a few of you in
here tonight. I hate you.
[174]
Because every old person in
a city like LA or New York
[176]
or London is the
same they're like,
[178]
"My house is worth
2 million dollars.
[180]
But when I bought it in 1981
I paid 11 raspberries for it."
[185]
(laughter)
[191]
And every young person's
like, "I have nine roommates!
[198]
We each pay 11,000
dollars a month,
[202]
although I missed a
payment last month,
[204]
he took a toe, I
walk in a circle now.
[207]
Every single one of us is
a lawyer except for Ted.
[210]
He's a dog with rabies, and
we'd love to get him out,
[212]
but his name is on the lease,"
[214]
and every single
old person's like,
[216]
"I'm a librarian with
a home at the beach."
[219]
Go fuck yourself!
[224]
How has this happened?
[228]
And by the way, old people
complain constantly like,
[230]
"Young people always complain."
[233]
I have never heard a
young person complain.
[235]
I genuine-- I don't
hear it happen.
[238]
All I do, like my mom
sometimes will be like,
[240]
"Millennials, you guys
live in your phones."
[242]
I'm like, "It's the only
place we can afford to live.
[245]
(laughter)
[248]
You're my landlord,
you should know that."
[256]
I was watching Spongebob
Squarepants with my cousin,
[259]
younger cousin, he's two
years younger than me,
[262]
we enjoy the classics.
[264]
And halfway through the show,
[267]
I'm fuming because
all I could think,
[269]
I'm like, "This sponge
owns his own pineapple?"
[276]
And then he went
upstairs, I'm like,
[277]
"This sponge owns a
two-story pineapple?
[282]
Oh he must be a lawyer."
[283]
He's not a lawyer, he works
in a fast food restaurant.
[288]
Spongebob has family
money I am telling you.
[292]
He changed his name to
be more working class,
[294]
but his real name is
Spongerobert Rectangletrousers,
[296]
I swear to fucking God.
[298]
(laughter)
[302]
Last month the Dalai
Lama gave an interview.
[305]
And I'm not sure if
any of you guys saw--
[307]
you're nodding.
[308]
I'm not sure if any
of you guys saw this.
[309]
It was amazing.
[311]
It was a British woman, and
she's got notes on a clipboard,
[313]
and she's asking really
softball questions
[315]
to the Dalai Lama, she's like,
[317]
"Mr. Lama, what's
your favorite kind
[319]
of forgiveness, Mr. Lama?"
[321]
And like, and then
she asked a question
[323]
that's supposed to be like
a real feel-good question.
[325]
She goes, "Mr. Lama,
do you ever think
[328]
there's going to be
a female Dalai Lama?"
[331]
And he went, "Yes."
[333]
And then you could
see me like 'ahhh'
[335]
(laughter)
[336]
And then he continues,
and he goes,
[338]
"But only if she's attractive."
[341]
But she checks her
notes, cause like,
[343]
and she's really
checking, but eventually,
[345]
she's like, "Nope, didn't
have the Dalai Lama
[346]
being sexist in here anywhere."
[349]
And she was like, "Would
you like to elaborate?"
[352]
And he's like, "Yes, well today,
[354]
people only listen
to attractive people.
[357]
So, the next Dalai Lama
will have to be attractive."
[362]
And whether or not the
Dalai Lama's right,
[364]
I'm not going to be the
one to make that call,
[367]
but whether or not the
Dalai Lama's right,
[368]
I have one thought that
I have been thinking
[371]
since I saw the interview.
[372]
Does the Dalai Lama
think he's hot?!
[378]
Does the Dalai Lama
wake up every morning,
[380]
and look in the
mirror, and be like,
[382]
"Asian Charlie Brown,
still got it, baby!"
[385]
(laughter)
[387]
Why does every one
of the Dalai Lama's
[389]
Instagram photos
have the caption,
[390]
'Felt cute, might
delete later' on it?
[396]
I am sick, by the
way, of pretending
[398]
that the stuff that
I like is cool stuff.
[403]
I don't like anything cool.
[404]
I'm really excited for the day
[405]
I can finally stop
pretending to hate Coldplay.
[410]
I love Coldplay. I love
Co-- and occasionally,
[414]
someone trying to be
sympathetic will be like,
[416]
"Oh yeah, the early
stuff is good,"
[417]
and I'm like, "NO! All of it!"
[420]
(laughter)
[422]
And, like, I was sitting in
a car, and Coldplay came on,
[426]
and the driver of the car
went, "Ugh, Coldplay,"
[428]
and I had to be like,
"Yeah, I hate music
[430]
that makes it feel like
you can do anything."
[432]
(laughter)
[438]
And, you know, I
like uncool stuff,
[439]
I went to see Josh Groban
a couple of weeks ago,
[442]
and screw you for the
judgment on your face.
[445]
I went-- I went to
see Josh Groban,
[446]
not a girlfriend took me,
not an aunt who likes it,
[449]
I went to see Josh
Groban. And I enjoyed it.
[452]
He sang for two
hours, at twilight,
[455]
outside Portland,
in an outdoor venue,
[457]
it was magical, he sings in
four different languages,
[461]
he did "Pure Imagination"
from Willy Wonka, I cried.
[464]
And, I got into the
car, I got into an Uber,
[468]
feeling fulfilled, and the
Uber driver ruined my bliss
[471]
with three words. He said,
"Who's playing tonight?"
[475]
I said, "Josh Groban,"
[476]
and he just went,
"Ah, guilty pleasure."
[479]
(laughter)
[482]
And I said, "What?"
And I swear to God,
[486]
he went, "Okay." (laughter)
[491]
And I said, "Why should
I feel guilty, huh?"
[494]
And he went, "Okay," and I said,
[496]
"WHY SHOULD I FEEL
GUILTY?! For seeing
[499]
a once-in-a-generation talent
sing timeless classics?!"
[504]
And he didn't respond, and then,
[506]
I said something that
I'm genuinely sure is
[509]
the most embarrassing
thing I've ever said.
[512]
I crossed my arms,
and after this,
[515]
we were quiet for
the rest of the ride.
[519]
I crossed my arms,
and I just went,
[522]
"Ya can't help what
gives ya goosebumps."
[526]
(laughter)
[531]
The worst tattoo I've
ever seen is this:
[534]
I worked with a girl
at KFC, long story,
[539]
and everyone called
her 'Jennifer 9/11.'
[542]
Hold on, hold on, it's
way worse than ya think.
[548]
She had a tattoo
on her lower back,
[551]
of the Twin Towers and
the words "Never forget."
[555]
First of all, boner killer.
[561]
Second of all, that means that
at some point in her life,
[566]
she walked into a tattoo
pa-- presumably after 9/11,
[570]
otherwise, it's
crazy. (laughter)
[576]
She walked into a tattoo
parlor and was like,
[578]
"I want a permanent reminder
[579]
of the saddest day
in American history!"
[582]
And they were
like, "Gettysburg?"
[583]
And she's like, "Statist--
no. More recent."
[590]
And they're like, "9/11, all
right where do you want it?"
[591]
And she's like, "It
should be a reminder!"
[592]
And they're like, "Yeah,"
[594]
she's like, "Should
remind me everyday!"
[596]
And they're like, "Yeah,
where do you want it?"
[600]
She's like, "Well, what's
the one part of my body,
[602]
I could never see ever unless
I had a neck like an owl?"
[608]
But here's why it's
really horrifying/great.
[613]
Because time isn't always
kind to people's bodies,
[620]
and eventually, her
skin is going to sag,
[625]
and those Twin Towers are
going to collapse again.
[628]
So, it's less of a reminder
and more of a reenactment.
[630]
(laughter)
[631]
(electronic music)
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