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Elizabeth Warren Bows Out Gracefully, While Trump Spreads Dangerous Coronavirus Misinformation - YouTube
Channel: unknown
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WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW.
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I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ANOTHER CANDIDATE HAS DROPPED
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OUT OF THE DEMOCRATIC RACE.
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AND WE'RE GETTING A CLEARER
PICTURE OF AMERICA'S FUTURE AND
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IT LOOKS A LOT LIKE AMERICA'S
PAST.
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( LAUGHTER )
I'LL GIVE YOU THE LATEST IN
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TONIGHT'S EDITION OF
♪
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>> I HAVE A PLAN FOR THAT.
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BEAT TRUMP.
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CORN POP WAS A BAD DUDE!
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AAAHHH!
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BING, BING, BONG, BONG.
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>> FURY ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE
2020!
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>> COME ON!
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF )
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>> Stephen: FOLKS, I'M AFRAID
I HAVE SAD NEWS FOR FANS OF
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COMPETENCE, BECAUSE FRIEND OF
THE SHOW, ELIZABETH WARREN HAS
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DROPPED OUT OF THE PRESIDENTIAL
RACE.
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( AUDIENCE REACTS )
THE ONE-TIME FRONTRUNNER, WARREN
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MADE THE CLASSIC CAMPAIGN
MISTAKE OF BEING ABLE TO FINISH
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A COHERENT SENTENCE AND NOT
HAVING A PENIS.
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( LAUGHTER )
WARREN IS GONE.
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THAT'S IT.
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SHE'S OUT OF THE RACE.
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FURTHER PROOF THAT AMERICA CAN
NOT HAVE NICE THINGS.
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SHE HAD A PLAN FOR EVERYTHING: A
HEALTHCARE PLAN, AN IMMIGRATION
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PLAN, A STUDENT LOAN PLAN, AND
HER MOST POPULAR PLAN, KNEECAP
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MICHAEL BLOOMBERG WITH A CROQUET
MALLET.
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( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
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>> Jon: OH!
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HUH-OH!
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( PIANO RIFF )
>> Stephen: HOLD STILL!
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TA-TA!
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( LAUGHTER )
NOT SURPRISINGLY, WARREN WAS
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GRACIOUS AND ELOQUENT,
REPORTEDLY TELLING HER STAFF
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"I WILL CARRY YOU IN MY HEART
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
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IF I LEAVE YOU WITH ONE PIECE OF
ADVICE: CHOOSE TO FIGHT ONLY
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RIGHTEOUS FIGHTS."
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THAT IS BEAUTIFUL.
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT IS.
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IT'S REALLY LOVELY.
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BUT FEAR NOT, WARREN FANS.
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JOE BIDEN IS SURE TO CONTINUE
THAT FIGHT WITH HIS RIGHTEOUS
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MESSAGE OF "YABBA DABBA
DEMOCRATS!
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LIFELONG-- MAMA SEE MAMA SA MAMA
KOO SA!
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COME ON!"
( LAUGHTER )
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( CHEERING )
( PIANO RIFF )
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WHEN SHE ADDRESSED THE PRESS,
WARREN LAMENTED HOW THE
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NARRATIVE OF THIS PRIMARY
SEEMED TO HAVE BEEN WRITTEN IN
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ADVANCE.
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>> I WAS TOLD AT THE BEGINNING
OF THIS WHOLE UNDERTAKING THAT
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THERE ARE TWO LANES, A
PROGRESSIVE LANE THAT BERNIE
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SANDERS IS THE INCUMBENT FOR AND
A MODERATE LANE JOE BIDEN IS THE
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INCUMBENT FOR AND THERE'S NO
ROOM FOR ANYONE ELSE IN THIS.
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I THOUGHT THAT WASN'T RIGHT.
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BUT EVIDENTLY I WAS WRONG.
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>> STEPHEN: DESPITE HER BEST
EFFORT, THAT DEMOCRATIC ROAD
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STILL HAS JUST TWO LANES.
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AND TWO DRIVERS WHO PROBABLY
SHOULD HAVE THEIR KEYS TAKEN
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AWAY.
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( LAUGHTER )
OKAY?
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EYES ARE JUST GOING.
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GET A GOLF CART.
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GET A GOLF CART.
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AT ONE POINT, WARREN WAS ASKED
ABOUT THE YOUNG WOMEN AND GIRLS
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WHO LOOK UP TO HER:
>> I WONDER WHAT YOUR
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MESSAGE WOULD BE TO THE WOMEN
AND GIRLS WHO FEEL LIKE WE'RE
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LEFT WITH TWO WHITE MEN TO
DECIDE BETWEEN.
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>> I KNOW!
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ONE OF THE HARDEST PARTS OF THIS
IS ALL THOSE PINKY PROMISES.
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ALL THOSE LITTLE GIRLS WERE
GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT FOUR MORE
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YEARS.
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>> STEPHEN: HAPPY, AMERICA?
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YOU MADE ELIZABETH WARREN
BREAK HER PINKY PROMISE.
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( LAUGHTER )
NOW SHE HAS TO HOPE TO DIE AND
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STICK A NEEDLE IN HER EYE!
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( LAUGHTER )
WARREN WAS ALSO ASKED WHETHER
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SEXISM MIGHT HAVE PLAYED A ROLE
IN HER CAMPAIGN'S ENDING.
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>> GENDER IN THIS RACE, THAT IS
THE TRAP QUESTION FOR EVERY
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WOMAN.
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IF YOU SAY YEAH THERE WAS
SEXISM IN THIS RACE, EVERYONE
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SAYS "WHINER."
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AND IF YOU SAY NO THERE WAS NO
SEXISM, ABOUT A BAZILLION WOMEN
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THINK, "WHAT PLANET DO YOU LIVE
ON?"
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I'LL PROMISE YOU THIS, I'LL HAVE
A LOT MORE TO SAY ON THAT
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SUBJECT LATER ON.
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>> STEPHEN: AND I'M GUESSING
MOST OF IT WILL BE BLEEPED.
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( LAUGHTER )
THEN WARREN WAS ASKED WHETHER
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SHE WOULD BE ENDORSING EITHER
BIDEN OR SANDERS.
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HERE'S WHAT SHE SAID:
>> LET'S TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND
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SPEND A LITTLE TIME, WE DON'T
HAVE TO DECIDE THAT THIS MINUTE.
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>> STEPHEN: OKAY, SHE'S RIGHT,
LET'S JUST ALL JUST TAKE A DEEP
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BREATH.
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AND HOLD IT UNTIL THE
CORONAVIRUS IS GONE.
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( LAUGHTER )
YOU KNOW THERE'S GOING TO BE A
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FIERCE BATTLE BETWEEN BIDEN AND
SANDERS FOR ELIZABETH WARREN.
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(AS BERNIE)
"LIZ, I'M SORRY I CALLED YOU A
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LIAR.
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PLEASE, MY HEART CAN'T TAKE MUCH
MORE OF THIS.
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THAT'S DOCTOR'S ORDERS.
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I GUESS WHAT I'M SAYING IS YOU
COMPLETE ME.
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LITERALLY.
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I NEED AN ORGAN DONOR.
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IN YOUR EYES!
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THE LIGHT!
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THE HEAT!
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YOUR EYES!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
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BUT BIDEN'S NOT GOING TO GIVE UP
WITHOUT A FIGHT.
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(AS BIDEN)
"DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, LIZZIE.
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AFTER ALL, YOU ARE MY COUSIN.
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OH WAIT, THEY SWITCHED EM' ON
ME.
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POINT IS, I WANT YOU TO ENDORSE
ME FOR U.S. SENATE.
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NO, I MEAN THAT!"
( LAUGHTER )
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AS THEY WAITED FOR WARREN'S
ANNOUNCEMENT, THE PRESS CAPED
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OUT ON HER LAWN, AND ONE
REPORTER SNAPPED THIS PICTURE OF
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HER DOG.
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BAILEY.
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AWWW.
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LOOK AT THAT FACE.
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DANG, THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN HER
CAMPAIGN SLOGAN ALL ALONG:
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"VOTE FOR ELIZABETH WARREN OR
YOU'LL MAKE A DOG SAD."
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( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
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BUT LIKE A LOT OF US, BAILEY IS
A STRESS EATER, BECAUSE AFTER
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THE ANNOUNCEMENT, WARREN'S PRESS
SECRETARY GABRIELLE FARRELL
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POSTED ON TWITTER
"BAILEY LEGIT JUST SWIPED
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SOMEONE'S BURRITO."
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( LAUGHTER )
ALONG WITH FOOTAGE OF STAFFERS
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TRYING TO GET THE TEX-MEX FROM
HIS MAW.
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YES, IT'S YOUR BURRITO, BUT
BAILEY HAS A PLAN FOR THAT.
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( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: OH, OH, A PLAN!
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A MASTER PLAN!
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: LADIES AND
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GENTLEMEN, IT'S TIME --
>> Jon: COME ON, GIVE ME THAT.
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>> Stephen: -- TODAY, WE ARE
ALL BAILEY.
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SO IT'S TIME TO SAY GOODBYE TO
ELIZABETH WARREN.
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OH, HERE COMES HER HORSE.
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RIDE LIZZY!
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RIDE!
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( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
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SO NOW ITS DOWN TO BIDEN AND
SANDERS.
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SHOWDOWN AT HIGH NOON.
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RIGHT BEFORE THEY BOTH EAT
DINNER.
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( LAUGHTER )
EITHER ONE OF THEM WOULD BE THE
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OLDEST PRESIDENT IN U.S.
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HISTORY, SO IT'S GOING TO BE
IMPORTANT THEY CHOOSE A RUNNING
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MATE THAT IS EXPERIENCED, YET
SEEMS A LOT YOUNGER.
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SO...
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JIMMY CARTER.
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( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
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THE OTHER BIG STORY IS STILL THE
CORONAVIRUS.
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IT'S ALL ANYBODY'S TALKING
ABOUT.
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YOU COULD SAY, AMERICA HAS
CORONAVIRUS FEVER.
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BUT YOU SHOULDN'T.
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THAT WOULD BE IN POOR TASTE.
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HOW DARE YOU?
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I'LL GIVE YOU THE LATEST IN
TONIGHT'S "GOIN' VIRAL."
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> LICK ME, I'M DELICIOUS!
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>> STEPHEN: THE CORONAVIRUS
CONTINUES TO SPREAD.
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SO FAR, THERE HAVE BEEN 210
CONFIRMED CASES IN 18 STATES
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WITH DOUBLE DIGIT FATALITIES.
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SO LAST NIGHT, DONALD TRUMP WENT
ON FOX NEWS TO LIE ABOUT
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EVERYTHING.
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SPECIFICALLY, ABOUT THE MOST
RECENT WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION
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ESTIMATE THAT THE GLOBAL DEATH
RATE OF CORONAVIRUS IS 3.4%.
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HE DISAGREED:
>> I THINK THE 3.4% IS REALLY A
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FALSE NUMBER.
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NOW, THIS IS JUST MY HUNCH.
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>> STEPHEN: SCIENCE IS NOT BASED
ON HUNCHES!
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THAT'S WHY "BILL NYE THE SCIENCE
GUY" IS MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN HIS
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RIVAL: "PHIL MUNCH, MAN OF
HUNCH"
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( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
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GOOD SHOW, THOUGH.
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A REALLY GOOD SHOW.
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TRUMP BACKED UP HIS FAKE HUNCH
WITH FAKE MATH.
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>> IT SEEMS LIKE 3 OR 4%, WHICH
IS A VERY HIGH NUMBER, AS
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OPPOSED TO A FRACTION OF 1%.
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I THINK THE NUMBER, PERSONALLY,
I WOULD SAY THE NUMBER IS WAY
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UNDER 1%.
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>> STEPHEN: THIS ISN'T "THE ART
OF THE DEAL."
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YOU CAN'T NEGOTIATE WITH
SCIENCE.
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(AS TRUMP)
"YOU'RE SAYING I HAVE 6-8 WEEKS
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TO LIVE?
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HOW ABOUT 10-12?
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NINE WEEKS.
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FINAL OFFER OR I'M WALKING.
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OH, YOU'RE SAYING I WON'T BE
ABLE TO WALK?"
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OKAY.
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( LAUGHTER )
TRUMP DIDN'T JUST HAVE BAD
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NUMBERS.
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HE ALSO HAD BAD ADVICE:
>> A LOT OF PEOPLE WILL HAVE
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THIS AND IT IS VERY MILD.
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THEY WILL GET BETTER VERY
RAPIDLY, THEY DON'T EVEN SEE A
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DOCTOR, THEY DON'T EVEN CALL A
DOCTOR.
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YOU NEVER HEAR ABOUT THOSE
PEOPLE.
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WE HAVE THOUSANDS OR HUNDREDS OF
THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE THAT GET
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BETTER, JUST BY, YOU KNOW,
SITTING AROUND AND EVEN GOING TO
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WORK, SOME OF THEM GO TO WORK.
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( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: GO TO WORK?
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MAYBE SOME OF THEM DO GO TO WORK
BUT THEY SHOULD GOTTEN TO WORK.
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BECAUSE THAT'S A GOOD WAY TO
SPREAD A PANDEMIC.
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TRUMP'S LIKE THE MAYOR IN
"JAWS," BUT WORSE.
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(AS TRUMP)
"DON'T LISTEN TO THE SHERIFF.
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THE BEACHES ARE OPEN FOR SUMMER!
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A LOT OF PEOPLE GOING TO GET
ATTACKED BY A SHARK, BUT A LOT
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OF PEOPLE AREN'T.
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YOU NEVER HEAR ABOUT THE
HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE
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WHO DON'T GET CHOMPED UP.
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SOME OF THEM WILL GET THEIR
LEG EATEN OFF.
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BUT THEY'LL COME TO SHORE AND
THEY'LL GET BETTER JUST BY
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SITTING AROUND.
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THEIR LEGS WILL GROW BACK, I
HAVE A HUNCH."
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( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
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( PIANO RIFF )
IT'S A MESSAGE OF HOPE, JOHN.
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>> Jon: MESSAGE OF HOPE?
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REALLY?
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>> Stephen: BUT MAYBE THE
WORST CORONA LIE
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WAS WHAT TRUMP SAID ABOUT THE
CURRENT FATALITIES.
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>> WHEN YOU DO HAVE A DEATH LIKE
YOU HAD IN THE STATE OF
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WASHINGTON, LIKE YOU HAD ONE IN
CALIFORNIA, I BELIEVE YOU HAD
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ONE IN NEW YORK.
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>> STEPHEN: NO WE DIDN'T HAVE
ONE IN NEW YORK!
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( LAUGHTER )
BUT HE SAID IT, NOW AN INTERN IN
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THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION IS
GOING TO HAVE TO MAKE IT TRUE.
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"I'M SO SORRY.
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HE SAID IT ON HANNITY.
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STAY STILL!
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IT'S FOR COLLEGE CREDIT."
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IT'S NOT A REAL GUN.
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IT'S NOT A REAL GUN.
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( PIANO RIFF )
THESE ARE ANXIOUS TIMES
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DEMANDING SWIFT, DECISIVE
ACTION.
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AND FOR ONCE, CONGRESS HAS
STEPPED UP, BECAUSE, FIRST THE
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HOUSE, AND THEN TODAY THE
SENATE, BOTH PASSED AN $8.3
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BILLION EMERGENCY SPENDING
PACKAGE TO RESPOND TO THE
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CORONAVIRUS OUTBREAK.
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DANG, WITH THAT KIND OF MONEY,
YOU COULD GO ON AMAZON AND BUY
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SIX FACE MASKS!
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( LAUGHTER )
YES.
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THERE YOU GO.
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SECOND TIME.
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SECOND TIME.
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SOME REPUBLICANS THINK THAT $8.3
BILLION IS AN OVER-REACTION,
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LIKE FLORIDA CONGRRESSMAN AND
MAN THINKING, "YOU CAN'T ARREST
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ME FOR DRUNK DRIVING-- I'M
FLORIDA CONGRESSMAN MATT
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GAETZ!", MATT GAETZ.
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GAETZ WAS THERE FOR YESTERDAY'S
BUDGET VOTE, AND HE SHOWED UP
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FOR IT WEARING A GAS MASK.
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WELL, THAT'S ONE WAY TO PREVENT
PEOPLE FROM SMELLING THE LIQUOR
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ON YOUR BREATH.
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( LAUGHTER )
AND THEN WASN'T GAETZ'S ONLY
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PICTURE WEARING THE GAS MASK.
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HERE HE IS SURROUNDED BY ALL OF
HIS FRIENDS.
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( LAUGHTER )
I'D LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT HE'S
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THE ONLY GUY WHO COULD WEAR A
GAS MASK TO WORK AND STILL HAVE
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THE DUMBEST PART OF HIS OUTFIT
BE HIS SHOES.
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( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
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THEY'RE LIKE CLOWN FEET BUT THEY
DIDN'T GROW.
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ONE PERSON ACTUALLY TAKING THE
CORONAVIRUS SERIOUSLY IS BOND,
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JAMES BOND.
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♪
♪
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( CHEERING )
YESTERDAY, THE NEW JAMES BOND
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MOVIE WAS POSTPONED OVER
CORONAVIRUS FEARS.
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TURNS OUT THAT WHEN THE
PRODUCERS OF THE FILM HEARD
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ABOUT THE CORONAVIRUS, THEY WERE
SHAKEN.
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AND STIRRED.
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( LAUGHTER )
IRONICALLY, THE FILM IS NAMED
[715]
"NO TIME TO DIE."
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( LAUGHTER )
IT DIDN'T HELP THAT THE BOND
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GIRL IS NAMED PAM DEMIC.
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( LAUGHTER )
I APPLAUD THE PRODUCERS FOR
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PUTTING PUBLIC HEALTH AHEAD OF
THEIR MARKETING SCHEDULE, BUT I
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THINK THEY CAN DO MORE.
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THAT'S WHY I'M CALLING ON THEM
TO RELEASE A NEW VERSION OF ONE
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OF THEIR CLASSIC SONGS:
"WASH FINGERS!"
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( LAUGHTER )
♪
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♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
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SERIOUSLY, WASH YOUR FINGERS.
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WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
[746]
KEITH URBAN IS HERE.
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BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
"MEANWHILE!"
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STICK AROUND!
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