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As Trump And Biden Push Opposing Covid Strategies, This Election May Determine The Pandemic's Path - YouTube
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>> Stephen: HELLO!
[2]
WELCOME TO A "LATE SHOW," I'M
YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
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I'M THE LUCK JUST MAN ON
TELEVISION.
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JULIE ANDREWS IS WITH US
TONIGHT.
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THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION IS
ONLY FIVE DAYS AWAY.
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TO REMEMBER THIS, I WROTE IT
DOWN.
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BUT IT LOOKS LIKE EVERYONE'S
REMEMBERING THIS YEAR BECAUSE
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EARLY TURNOUT IS AT RECORD
LEVELS AND ACCORDING TO
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ODDS-MAKERS, THE 2020 ELECTION
IS THE
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MOST BET-ON EVENT IN HISTORY.
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THAT, I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
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ARE THE STAKES NOT HIGH ENOUGH
ALREADY, THAT YOU'VE GOT TO BET
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ON IT, TOO?
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THAT'S LIKE YOUR SKYDIVING
INSTRUCTOR SAYING:
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(AS INSTRUCTOR)
"BEFORE WE JUMP, ANYONE WANT TO
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PLACE A BET ON WHETHER THE CHUTE
OPENS?
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TEN BUCKS, LET'S MAKE IT
INTERESTING."
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NOW, COVID-19 IS THE BIGGEST
ISSUE IN THIS ELECTION, NEXT TO
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DADDY ISSUES.
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AND COVID CASES ARE EXPLODING
ALL OVER THE COUNTRY, WHICH
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BRINGS US TO TONIGHT'S
INSTALLMENT OF OUR
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POSSIBLY-RUNNING-'TIL-2022
SEGMENT, "CATCH A THIRD WAVE:
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ENDLESS BUMMER."
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LET ME WASH OVER YOU!
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OH, OH, SICK!
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AAAHHH!
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GET OUT, GET OUT!
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CURRENTLY, CASES ARE RISING IN
MORE THAN 40 STATES, AND WHEN IT
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COMES TO THE WEST AND MIDWEST,
THE CORONAVIRUS TASK FORCE WARNS
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OF "UNRELENTING, BROAD COMMUNITY
SPREAD."
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ALSO THE THEME OF TRUMP'S
CAMPAIGN RALLIES.
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AS THE CAMPAIGN DRAWS TO A
CLOSE, TRUMP AND BIDEN ARE
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PUSHING OPPOSING PANDEMIC
STRATEGIES.
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BIDEN IS PUSHING VIRAL
CONTAINMENT, WHILE TRUMP IS
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PUSHING YOUR GRANDMA INTO
TRAFFIC.
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THE DIFFERENCES ARE EVIDENT IN
THEIR STUMP SPEECHES.
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HERE'S BIDEN YESTERDAY IN THE
SWING STATE OF WILMINGTON,
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DELAWARE:
>> EVEN IF I WIN, IT IS GOING TO
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TAKE A LOT OF HARD WORK TO END
THIS PANDEMIC.
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I AM NOT RUNNING ON A FALSE
PROMISE OF BEING ABLE TO END
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THIS PANDEMIC BY FLIPPING A
SWITCH.
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>> STEPHEN: HE'S RIGHT.
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WE'RE NOT GOING TO END THIS
PANDEMIC BY FLIPPING A SWITCH.
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WE'RE GOING TO DO IT BY PULLING
A LEVER.
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AND THEN FLIPPING THE BIRD.
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MEANWHILE, TRUMP'S PLATFORM
CONSISTS OF NOTHING BUT FALSE
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PROMISES:
>> A SAFE VACCINE IS COMING VERY
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QUICKLY.
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YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE IT
MOMENTARILY.
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>> STEPHEN: MOMENTARILY.
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THAT'S WHAT THEY TELL YOU WHEN
IT'S GOING TO BE A LONG TIME,
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BUT THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO WALK
OUT OF THE OLIVE GARDEN.
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IN FACT, WHEN YOU CALL THE
C.D.C., YOU GET THIS MESSAGE:
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>> THANK YOU FOR CALLING THE
C.D.C., YOUR LUNGS ARE IMPORTANT
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TO US.
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PLEASE REMAIN LOCKED IN YOUR
HOUSE AND THE VACCINE WILL BE
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WITH YOU IN THE ORDER IN WHICH
YOU WERE DISEASED.
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>> STEPHEN: TRUMP ASSURED HIS
SUPPORTERS THE PANDEMIC IS
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ALMOST OVER:
>> WE'RE ROUNDING THE TURN
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REGARDLESS.
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NORMAL LIFE WILL FULLY RESUME.
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THAT'S WHAT WE WANT, RIGHT?
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NORMAL LIFE.
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WE JUST WANT A NORMAL LIFE, LIKE
WE HAD SEVEN MONTHS AGO.
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>> STEPHEN: YEAH, I MISS THOSE
PRE-PANDEMIC DAYS OF WAKING UP
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TO FIND OUT WHAT COUNTRY HE HAD
BLACKMAILED, WHICH PORN STAR HE
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HAD PAID OFF, AND WHICH
HURRICANE HE WAS THREATENING
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TO NUKE.
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YOU KNOW, NORMAL.
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TRUMP THINKS THAT THE WAY
FORWARD IS TO ACHIEVE SOMETHING
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CALLED HERD IMMUNITY, A TERRIBLE
IDEA WHERE THE MAJORITY OF THE
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POPULATION CATCHES THE DISEASE,
MILLIONS DIE, BUT THOSE WHO
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SURVIVE WILL BE ABLE TO WALK
AMONG US SAFELY, AS TRUMP
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DEMONSTRATED WITH FELLOW
SUPER-SPREADER, RAND PAUL:
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>> THANK YOU.
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HERE'S TO IMMUNITY!
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>> TO IMMUNE PEOPLE!
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(LAUGHS)
( LAUGHTER )
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>> STEPHEN: YES, THE IMMUNE
PEOPLE.
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SUPER DOUCHES WHO DON'T CARE IF
YOU LIVE OR DIE.
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THEY'RE THE "ECHH MEN!"
THANK YOU MADD MAGAZINE.
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STRANGELY, TRUMP'S BLATANT
DISREGARD FOR HUMAN LIFE SEEMS
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TO BE HURTING HIM WITH THE KEY
DEMOGRAPHIC OF HUMANS.
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THE LATEST ABC NEWS/"WASHINGTON
POST"/P.F. CHANG'S GREAT WALL OF
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CHOCOLATE POLL SHOWS THAT BIDEN
IS LEADING TRUMP BY 17 POINTS IN
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WISCONSIN.
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17?
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TRUMP DOESN'T KNOW WHETHER TO BE
WORRIED ABOUT THAT LEAD, OR
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START DATING IT.
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( "GROOVE IS IN THE HEART" )
>> HE WISHES YOU WELL
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GHISLAINE!
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>> STEPHEN: IT'S NOT JUST
WISCONSIN.
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TRUMP IS PLAYING CATCH-UP IN
LOTS OF STATES HE WON IN 2016.
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EVEN THOUGH TRUMP WON IT FOUR
YEARS AGO, BIDEN HOLDS A 48-44
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LEAD IN ARIZONA.
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BUT IT'S A DRY LEAD.
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ANYWAY, YESTERDAY, TRUMP HELD A
RALLY IN THE COPPER STATE, WHICH
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I AM BEING TOLD ARIZONA IS, AND
HE RAILED AGAINST THE AUTHOR OF
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THE 2018 ANONYMOUS "NEW YORK
TIMES" OP-ED, SAYING TRUMP WAS
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OUT OF CONTROL, WHO WE FOUND
OUT YESTERDAY WAS SOME GUY.
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>> HE WROTE A PHONY BOOK, WHICH
IF YOU HEARD ABOUT ANONYMOUS, IT
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WAS LIKE SOMEBODY THAT WAS RIGHT
NEXT TO ME.
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I THOUGHT IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN
HOPE HICKS, WHO IS RIGHT THERE.
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I THOUGHT IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN
JARED.
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I THOUGHT IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN
MIKE LEE.
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I WAS WORRIED ABOUT THE GREAT
STATE OF UTAH.
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I WAS EXTREMELY WORRIED ABOUT
RAND PAUL.
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MAYBE IT WAS RAND.
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>> STEPHEN: THAT'S A WEIRD
UNFORCED ERROR.
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(AS TRUMP)
"NOW THAT THE MYSTERY'S SOLVED,
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I WANT TO MAKE IT ABUNDANTLY
CLEAR: I DON'T TRUST MY
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SON-IN-LAW, OR ANY OF THESE
PEOPLE AROUND ME.
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THEY ALL KNOW THINGS THAT, IF
THEY SPILLED THEIR GUTS, I'D BE
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GONE IN A MINUTE.
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IT'S A NEST OF HIGHLY
KNOWLEDGABLE VIPERS.
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AND I AM JUST SO THANKFUL NONE
OF THEM HAS A CONSCIENCE OR I
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WOULD BE IN REAL TROUBLE.
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TRUMP WASN'T ALONE.
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HE ALSO BROUGHT SOME SPECIAL
GUESTS, LIKE MINORITY LEADER,
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KEVIN MCCARTHY, WHO FANTASIZED
ABOUT TAKING BACK THE HOUSE:
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>> I WANT YOU TO WATCH NANCY
PELOSI HAND ME THAT GAVEL, AND I
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PROMISE YOU THIS, I WON'T BANG
HER WITH IT, BUT I'LL BANG THE
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END TO THE SOCIALISM.
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>> STEPHEN: KEVIN, NO ONE WANTS
TO HEAR WHO OR WHAT YOU'RE GOING
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TO BANG, OKAY?
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WE ALSO DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT
YOU LICKING COMMUNISM, OR HOW
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MEDICARE FOR ALL IS "GOING
DOWN."
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IT'S CORONAVIRUS, OKAY?
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STAY HOME AND BANG YOUR OWN
GAVEL.
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WITH THE ZOOM OFF.
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TRUMP ALSO WELCOMED UP ARIZONA
SENATOR MARTHA MCSALLY.
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THEY HAVE A TRICKY RELATIONSHIP.
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BECAUSE TRUMP ISN'T TOO POPULAR
IN ARIZONA, SHE'S BEEN HESITANT
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TO FULLY ENDORSE HIM.
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LET'S SEE IF HE NOTICED:
>> MARTHA MCSALLY.
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MARTHA.
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( CHEERS )
GREAT.
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GREAT, MARTHA, GREAT.
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MARTHA, COME UP.
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JUST FAST.
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QUICK, QUICK.
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FAST.
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FAST, COME ON, QUICK.
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YOU GOT ONE MINUTE.
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ONE MINUTE, MARTHA.
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THEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR THIS
MARTHA, COME ON, LET'S GO.
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QUICK, QUICK, QUICK, QUICK.
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>> Stephen: THAT IS RUDE BUT
ALSO KIND OF REFRESHING.
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USUALLY, IT'S THE WOMAN WHO'S
TELLING TRUMP TO HURRY UP AND
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GET IT OVER WITH.
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TRUMP REALLY HAS A LOT OF
TERRITORY TO DEFEND, BECAUSE
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"JOE BIDEN IS MAKING A LATE
STAGE PLAY FOR TEXAS."
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(AS BIDEN)
"THAT'S RIGHT, WE'RE GOIN' FOR
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IT, JACK!
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EVERYTHING'S BIGGER IN TEXAS!
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REMEMBER THE ALAMO...
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ALSO, REMEMBER WHERE I PUT MY
GLASSES-- NEVER MIND, THEY'RE IN
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FRONT OF MY EYES.
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ALWAYS THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK.
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COME ON!"
GIVE ME SOME OF THAT BIG TOAST,
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HUH?
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JOE COULD GET TEXAS!
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THAT WOULD BE SO UNEXPECTED, BUT
SO GREAT!
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LIKE IF BRADLEY COOPER AND LADY
GAGA BECAME A REAL COUPLE.
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WE ALL WANTED IT SO BAD!
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THEY ALMOST KISSED AT THE
OSCARS!
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THEY COULD'VE DANCED TO
"SHALLOW" AT THEIR OWN WEDDING!
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COME ON, I'M OFF THE DEEP END!
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THAT DEEP END LINE GOT ADDED
AFTER I LEFT THE ROOM.
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I LIKE IT BUT THAT CAME AS A
SURPRISE.
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BUT IF BIDEN DOESN'T SNAG TEXAS,
THE ELECTORAL MAP COULD COME
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DOWN TO PENNSYLVANIA, WHICH IS
WHY TRUMP IS MAKING A HUGE
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EFFORT THERE TO GET OUT THE
VOTE.
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I'M SORRY, I MISREAD THAT.
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UH, "THROW OUT" THE VOTE.
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BECAUSE, TRAILING IN THE POLLS
"IN PENNSYLVANIA, TRUMP'S
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CAMPAIGN IS TRYING TO MAKE
VOTING HARDER."
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AND IT'S ALREADY HARD ENOUGH
THERE.
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IN SOME PARTS OF PENNSYLVANIA,
THERE'S NOSE-TO-TAIL BUGGY
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TRAFFIC BEFORE YOU EVEN GET TO
THE VOTING BARN.
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WHICH YOU HAVE TO RAISE!
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TRUMP'S TEAM IS TRYING TO STOP
THE STATE FROM COUNTING ABSENTEE
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AND MAIL-IN VOTES, PRESENTING
GARBAGE EVIDENCE OF VOTER FRAUD
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LIKE THIS.
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DURING THE DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY, A
MAN NAMED ADAM GOODMAN POSTED
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THIS PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM, IN
WHICH HE PROUDLY HELD UP TWO
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MAIL-IN BALLOTS OUTSIDE A DROP
BOX.
[518]
AH-HAH?
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UH-UH.
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BECAUSE ONE OF THOSE BELONGED TO
HIS HUSBAND, STANDING OUT OF
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FRAME.
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NEVERTHELESS, HE SOON FOUND THAT
THE PICTURE HAD BEEN INCLUDED IN
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LITIGATION THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN
FILED AGAINST PHILADELPHIA.
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THAT'S RIGHT.
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THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN IS SCANNING
INSTAGRAM TO TRY TO SHUT DOWN
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VOTING.
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(AS LAWYER)
"YOUR HONOR, AS YOU CAN SEE IN
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EXHIBIT A, JUST BEFORE
HALLOWEEN, THE DEFENDANT'S DOG
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PUT ON A CLEVER ASTRONAUT
DISGUISE, OBVIOUSLY IN ORDER TO
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VOTE ILLEGALLY FROM DOG-SPACE."
[550]
FEELING ANXIOUS ABOUT TUESDAY'S
UPCOMING ELECTION?
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AS I AM?
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WELL, YOU'RE NOT ALONE.
[557]
ACCORDING TO A RECENT STUDY,
NEARLY 70% OF U.S. ADULTS SAY
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THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION IS A
SIGNIFICANT SOURCE OF STRESS.
[563]
IT'S OKAY.
[564]
JUST TAKE DEEP CLEANSING BREATHS
TO FORGET ABOUT THIS ELECTION
[567]
AND START FOCUSING ON HOW MUCH
CORONAVIRUS YOU JUST INHALED.
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AND DEMOCRATS AREN'T THE ONLY
ONES WORRIED.
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ACCORDING TO ONE MENTAL HEALTH
EXPERT, ALTHOUGH THE SPECIFIC
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CONCERNS DO DIFFER BASED ON
POLITICAL LEANING, THE FEELINGS
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THAT ARE COMING UP DON'T.
[582]
WHICH IS WHY THERE'S SUDDENLY A
GROUNDSWELL OF SUPPORT FOR THIRD
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PARTY TICKET, PROZAC-AMBIEN
2020: MAKE AMERICA WHAT WERE
[588]
WE TALKING ABOUT AGAIN?
[593]
THAT'S WHAT'S GOING ON UP HERE
IN THE OLD SQUIRREL CAGE.
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OH, WAIT.
[598]
WHAT AM I READING?
[599]
WHO ARE YOU?
[600]
WHY AM I NOT IN THE THEATER?
[603]
WHAT'S GOING ON?
[604]
TWO RESEARCHERS HAVE DEVELOPED A
MEASURE CALLED THE POLITICAL
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STRESS INDICATOR, WHICH IS
ACTUALLY HIGHER NOW THAN IT WAS
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BEFORE THE CIVIL WAR.
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MATTER OF FACT, WE'RE SO CLOSE
TO A CIVIL WAR THAT KEN BURNS IS
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ALREADY MAKING THE DOCUMENTARY:
♪
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♪
>> MY DEAREST MARTHA, HOW I MISS
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YOU.
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I HAVE SPENT SEVEN LONG MONTHS
IN MARINARA-STAINED SWEATPANTS,
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UNABLE TO LEAVE MY HOUSE.
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I'M PASSING THE HOURS WORRYING
ABOUT UNDECIDED VOTERS IN
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CENTRAL FLORIDA AND
DOOM-SCROLLING ON TWITTER.
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SEND NUDES, EGGPLANT EMOJI,
PEACH EMOJI.
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>> STEPHEN: BUT IF YOU'RE
FEELING HOPELESS, THERE MIGHT BE
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ANOTHER WAY TO PERK UP.
[647]
EXPERTS SAY THAT IT MAY BE MORE
PRODUCTIVE TO FOCUS ON ACTION,
[651]
SHIFTING THE QUESTION FROM
"SHOULD I HOPE?" TO "WHAT CAN I
[654]
DO?"
WHAT YOU CAN DO IS VOTE.
[658]
AND IF YOU WANT TO FIND OUT HOW,
WHETHER IT'S HANDING IN YOUR
[660]
ABSENTEE BALLOT, IN PERSON AT
THIS POINT, PLEASE, OR VOTING
[665]
EARLY, OR VOTING IN PERSON ON
ELECTION DAY, VISIT OUR WEBSITE
[670]
BETTERKNOWABALLOT.COM, WHERE YOU
CAN FIND OUT HOW TO VOTE IN YOUR
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STATE.
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DO IT QUICK.
[675]
YOU ONLY HAVE FIVE DAYS LEFT.
[678]
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT, JULIE ANDREWS IS HERE.
[684]
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, BIDEN
LEADS IN THE POLLS.
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WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
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STICK AROUND.
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