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Uh-Oh, Water Is Now A Commodity - Stephen Colbert's Most Unfortunate Segment - YouTube
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♪ ( THEME SONG PLAYING )
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>> Stephen: WELL, HEY THERE,
EVERYBODY. WELCOME BACK.
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FOLKS, THERE ARE A LOT OF URGENT
CONCERNS FACING AMERICANS RIGHT
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NOW.
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WILL THE PANDEMIC EVER END?
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WHEN WILL WE GET THE CORONAVIRUS
VACCINE?
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ONCE "THE CROWN" CATCHES UP TO
REALITY, WILL MEGHAN MARKLE PLAY
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HERSELF?
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I MEAN, SHE'S AN ACTRESS, BUT
THEN DO ALL THE ROYALS PLAY
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THEMSELVES?
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I AM NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO
PRINCE ANDREW'S TAKE ON PRINCE
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ANDREW.
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THE PROBLEM WITH SO MANY BIG
PROBLEMS IS THAT THERE ARE
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SMALLER PROBLEMS THAT ARE STILL
BIG PROBLEMS, BUT WE MIGHT MISS
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THEM BECAUSE OF THE EVEN LARGER
PROBLEMS, WHICH IS A BIG
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PROBLEM.
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WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY NEW
UNFORTUNATE SEGMENT: "UH-OH!"
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TONIGHT'S UH-OH: WHILE YOU'RE
WORRYING ABOUT THE PLANET-WIDE
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COVID CRISIS, DON'T FORGET TO
WORRY ABOUT A POSSIBLE DRINKING
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WATER CRISIS, BECAUSE IT WAS
RECENTLY ANNOUNCED THAT
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INVESTORS CAN NOW TRADE WATER
FUTURES.
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UH-OH.
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I DON'T TOTALLY UNDERSTAND THAT
SENTENCE, BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE A
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HEADLINE IN A NEWSREEL AT THE
BEGINNING OF "MAD MAX" BEFORE
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YOU SMASH CUT TO ONE-ARMED
CHARLIZE THERON DRIVING A TRUCK
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FULL OF WARRIOR-CONCUBINES
THROUGH THE DESERT.
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HERE'S WHAT'S HAPPENING:
RECENTLY, FUTURES TIED TO THE
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CALIFORNIA WATER INDEX
BEGAN TRADING ON THE CHICAGO
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MERCANTILE EXCHANGE.
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MEANING THAT, FOR THE FIRST TIME
EVER, WATER WILL BE A COMMODITY,
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LIKE GOLD OR OIL.
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UH-OH!
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THAT'S NOT A GOOD SIGN.
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THOSE ARE TWO THINGS THAT WE
FAMOUSLY HAVE A FINITE AMOUNT
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OF.
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THAT'S WHY THEY'RE VALUABLE.
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THERE'S A REASON WEDDING RINGS
ARE MADE OF GOLD AND NOT BOTTLES
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OF POLAND SPRING.
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OH, MY GOD, YOU GUYS!
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HE WENT TO 7-ELEVEN!
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THIS SOUNDS TROUBLING, BECAUSE
THE BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
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WATER AND... COMMODITIES IS THAT
WE NEED WATER TO SURVIVE.
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WHICH BRINGS US TO OUR NEW
UH-OH SUBSEGMENT: "YIKES!"
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NOW THAT WATER IS A COMMODITY
AND CAN BE TRADED ON THE FUTURES
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MARKET, IT COULD INVITE
SPECULATION FROM FINANCIAL
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PLAYERS, INCLUDING HEDGE FUNDS.
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YIKES!
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"HEDGE FUND SPECULATION" IS
NEVER A GOOD THING.
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JUST ASK ANYONE WHO HAD A
SUBPRIME MORTGAGE IN THE EARLY
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2000'S.
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THEIR HOME LOAN IS CURRENTLY
UNDER WATER, WHICH THEY'RE GOING
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TO WANT TO START HOARDING 'CAUSE
IT'S A HOT NEW COMMODITY!
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THESE WATER FUTURES FOCUS
SPECIFICALLY ON CALIFORNIA,
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WHICH BRINGS US TO OUR UH-OH
YIKES SUB-SUBSEGMENT: "GULP!"
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A LOOK HOW MANY BONES I HAVE.
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CAN I SEE THAT AGAIN, JIM?
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LOOK AT THAT!
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THAT'S "THE LATE SHOW" PROMISE,
UNLIMITED BONES!
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THIS IMPACTS THE WHOLE NATION
BECAUSE CALIFORNIA HAS A HUGE
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AGRICULTURAL SECTOR, AND
RECENTLY HAS MOVED TO POPULAR
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HIGH-VALUE PERMANENT CROPS LIKE
ALMONDS AND PISTACHIOS, WHICH
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REQUIRE A LOT OF WATER FOR
UPKEEP.
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AND I HAWKED PISTACHIOS!
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AM I PART OF THE PROBLEM?
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I'M SORRY!
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NOT FOR PROMOTING PISTACHIOS,
THEY'RE A DELICIOUS SOURCE OF
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PROTEIN, BUT FOR GIVING YOU THE
NIGHTMARE FUEL THAT IS MY HEAD
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AS A NUT.
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BUT THE BIGGER ISSUE IS THAT
CALIFORNIA HAS JUST HAD SEVERAL
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YEARS IN A ROW OF HISTORIC
WILDFIRES AND IS EMERGING FROM
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AN EIGHT-YEAR DROUGHT.
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GULP!
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SO, WALL STREET IS NOW BETTING
ON A RESOURCE THAT CALIFORNIA
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DESPERATELY NEEDS TO SURVIVE AND
CURRENTLY HAS A SHORTAGE OF.
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THAT'S LIKE A LIFEGUARD GOING,
"THE BAD NEWS IS YOUR HUSBAND IS
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DROWNING!
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THE GOOD NEWS IS, IN THE NEXT
TWO MINUTES, THE VALUE OF MY
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LIFE PRESERVER FRANCHISE IS
GOING TO SKYROCKET!
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WANT TO GET IN ON THE GROUND
FLOOR?"
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NOW, WE DON'T KNOW EXACTLY
WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN WITH
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TRADING WATER ON WALL STREET, BY
WHICH I MEAN WE KNOW EXACTLY
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WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.
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ACCORDING TO A CLIMATE JUSTICE
EXPERT, "AS CLEAN, USEABLE WATER
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IS BECOMING SCARCER, THE
INCENTIVES IN CAPITALISM WORK TO
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COMMODIFY IT, AND WORK TO ENSURE
THAT THE SCARCITY IS AN
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OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE MONEY."
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ADDING, "IT'S THE WAY IN WHICH
CAPITALISM MAKES PROFITS FROM
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HUMAN MISERY."
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OF COURSE, COMMODITIES TRADERS
NEVER GO ALL IN ON HUMAN MISERY.
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THEY DIVERSIFY INTO GENERATIONAL
SUFFERING, DESPAIR, ENNUI AND
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OF COURSE, BITCOIN.
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IN OTHER WORDS: UH-OH.
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WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SERENA
WILLIAMS.
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