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Inflation Reduction Act Is Great For The Environment | Alex Jones Is The Worst Human On The Planet - YouTube
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WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
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I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
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I FOR ONE --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
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I, FOR ONE, I'M IN A VERY GOOD
MOOD.
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YOU KNOW, THE KIND YOU GET WHEN
YOU FIND A DOLLAR ON THE
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SIDEWALK OR REALIZE THAT OUR
CHILDREN MAY NOT BE DOOMED TO A
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FIERY HELLSCAPE?
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BECAUSE THIS WEEKEND, THE US
SENATE FINALLY APPROVED A BILL
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TO FIGHT CLIMATE CHANGE.
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANK GOD.
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FINALLY.
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THANK GOD, WE'RE GOING TO TRY TO
SAVE THE PLANET.
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'CUZ THAT IS WHERE I KEEP MOST
OF MY STUFF.
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THIS BILL IS CHOCK FULL OF GREAT
THINGS FOR THE ENVIRONMENT LIKE
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TAX CREDITS FOR RENEWABLE ENERGY
APPLIANCES AND CLEAN TECHNOLOGY
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MANUFACTURING, ALONG WITH NEARLY
$400 BILLION OVER 10 YEARS IN
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TAX CREDITS AIMED AT STEERING
CONSUMERS TO ELECTRIC VEHICLES,
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ALL IN ALL, IT WILL CUT
GREENHOUSE GAS EMISSIONS BY
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ABOUT 40%.
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT'S HUGE.
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FROM NOW ON, WE'LL BE PUTTING
ONLY GOOD THINGS INTO THE AIR,
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LIKE DONUT-FLAVORED VAPE SMOKE.
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( LAUGHTER )
IT'S NOT JUST CLIMATE CHANGE.
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THE BILL, CALLED THE INFLATION
REDUCTION ACT, WILL ALSO MAKE
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GOOD ON DEMOCRATS' YEARS-OLD
PLEDGE TO REDUCE PRESCRIPTION
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DRUG COSTS FOR THE ELDERLY.
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YES.
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VERY EXCITING.
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GOOD NEWS FOR THE ELDERLY, OR AS
GRASSLEY AND DIANE FEINSTEIN
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CALL THEM, "THOSE DAMN KIDS."
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CHUCK
( LAUGHTER )
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THEY'RE EVEN OLDER.
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TO RAISE REVENUES, THE BILL
INCLUDES A NEW 15% MINIMUM TAX
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ON CORPORATIONS THAT EARN MORE
THAN $1 BILLION IN ANNUAL
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PROFITS --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
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-- BACKED UP BY $80 BILLION TO
THE I.R.S. TO INCREASE
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ENFORCEMENT.
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THE I.R.S. EXPLAINED THEIR NEW
ENFORCEMENT POWERS TO
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CORPORATIONS WITH THIS
INSTRUCTIONAL VIDEO:
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♪ BETTER HAVE MY MONEY ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
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>> STEPHEN: NO ONE WAS HAPPIER
TO GET THE BILL PASSED THAN
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SENATE MAJORITY LEADER AND MAN
USING HIS SUPER POWERS TO WARM
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HIS COFFEE, CHUCK SCHUMER.
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SCHUMER GAVE A PRESS CONFERENCE
FOLLOWING THE VOTE, AND HE SAID
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THIS OF THE VICTORY:
>> AS YOU KNOW, IT'S BEEN A
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LONG, TOUGH, AND WINDING ROAD.
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>> STEPHEN: AH YES, THE LONG,
TOUGH, AND WINDING ROAD.
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IT'S EVERYONE'S FAVORITE BEATLES
SONG, NEXT TO A "HARD DAY'S VERY
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DIFFICULT NIGHTTIME."
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SCHUMER PRAISED THE HARD WORK OF
SENATE DEMOCRATS:
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>> I JUST WANT TO AGAIN THANK
THE LEADERSHIP, HARD WORK, AND
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PERSISTENCE OF ALL OF MY
COLLEAGUES, THEIR TEAMWORK,
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THEIR SPIRITED TEAMWORK.
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THEIR KNOWLEDGE THAT WE HAD TO
PULL TOGETHER TO GET SOMETHING
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DONE IS AWESOME TO ME.
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NOT AWESOME IN THE WAY THE KIDS
USE THE WORD BUT IN THE SORT OF
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BIBLICAL SENSE.
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>> STEPHEN: (AS SCHUMER)
"YES, THIS BILL IS AWESOME.
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NOT IN THE WAY KIDS USE THE
WORD.
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THEY WOULD SAY IT IS STRAIGHT
FIRE, FAM.
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TO BE QUITE FRANK, IT SLAPS, AND
I, FOR ONE, STAN.
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BY WHICH I MEAN, STAN EISENBERG,
MY PODIATRIST.
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HE'LL TAKE THOSE CORNS RIGHT
OFF, NO CAP."
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ACCORDING TO SCHUMER, IT WASN'T
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JUST THE 'AWESOMENESS' OF SENATE
DEMOCRATS THAT GOT THEM ACROSS
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THE FINISH LINE.
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HE HAD A SECRET WEAPON:
>> OKAY, DOES ANYONE NOTICE
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ANYTHING?
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>> NEW SUIT.
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THIS IS MY LUCKY BLUE SUIT.
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I BROUGHT IT IN YESTERDAY
MORNING, BUT I DIDN'T WANNA JINX
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IT, AND WEAR IT, AND SO-- BUT I
WEAR IT ON GOOD LUCK DAYS, AND I
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HAD A FEELING I'D BE WEARING IT.
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>> STEPHEN: SENATOR?
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PRETTY SURE THE LUCKY DOESN'T
COUNT IF YOU PUT IT ON AFTER YOU
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WIN.
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I GOT THE JOB, AND IT'S ALL
THANKS TO MY LUCKY SOCKS, WHICH
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I'M GOING TO GO BUY RIGHT NOW.
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( LAUGHTER )
ONE SENATOR WAS LESS THAN
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THRILLED: BERNIE SANDERS.
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HE TRIED REINTRODUCING A LOT OF
PROGRESSIVE IDEAS THAT JOE
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MANCHIN REMOVED FROM THE BILL,
BUT ALL OF HIS EFFORTS FAILED,
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WHICH MIGHT BE WHY HE WAS LATER
PHOTOGRAPHED SITTING ON THE
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CAPITOL STEPS LIKE THIS:
OH, NO, WE'VE BROKEN BERNIE!
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HE LOOKS LIKE THE DEPRESSED
LEGISLATION FROM SCHOOL HOUSE
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ROCK.
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( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
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(AS BERNIE)
"I'M JUST A BILL.
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I'M ONLY A BILL AND I'M SITTING
HERE WAITING FOR SOUP."
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( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
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WE MISS YOU, BERNIE.
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WE MISS YOU.
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OVERALL, IT WAS A GOOD DAY FOR
DEMOCRATS, BUT THE G.O.P. DID
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GET ONE WIN, BECAUSE, ON FRIDAY,
REPUBLICANS FORCED THE REMOVAL
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OF A MEASURE THAT WOULD CAP
INSULIN PRICES AT $35 FOR
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PRIVATE INSURERS.
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( AUDIENCE REACTS )
EXACTLY!
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37 MILLION AMERICANS HAVE
DIABETES, AND REPUBLICANS WANT
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INSULIN TO BE EXPENSIVE?
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IT'S THE MOST UNPOPULAR
POLITICAL MOVE SINCE J.F.K.'S
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CAMPAIGN PROMISE: "I'M GONNA
BANG YOUR WIFE!"
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( LAUGHTER )
>> WOW.
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WOW.
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REALLY?
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>> Stephen: AND WE DO THESE
THINGS NOT BECAUSE THEY'RE EASY,
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BUT BECAUSE I AM HARD.
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( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
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THERE YOU GO.
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YOU SEE, IT'S A REFERENCE --
( LAUGHTER )
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PROMISES MADE, PROMISES KEPT.
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( LAUGHTER )
WE'VE GOT A DISTURBING UPDATE
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TO A DISTURBING STORY
ABOUT DISTURBING FORMER
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PRESIDENT:
NAPOLEAN BONASPURS.
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EARLIER THIS YEAR, THE NEW YORK
TIMES'S MAGGIE HABERMAN REPORTED
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THAT DURING THE EX-PRESIDENT'S
TIME IN OFFICE, WHITE HOUSE
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STAFF FOUND PAPERS CLOGGING A
TOILET, BELIEVING THE
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EX-PRESIDENT HAD FLUSHED
MATERIAL HE'D RIPPED INTO
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PIECES.
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IT'S NOT THE FIRST TIME THE
FORMER PRESIDENT TRIED TO FLUSH
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SOMETHING EMBARRASSING.
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ONE TIME STAFFERS WENT IN THERE
AND FOUND ERIC.
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( LAUGHTER )
OF COURSE, WHEN THE STORY BROKE,
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THE EX-PRESIDENT DENIED IT.
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SO THAT'S IT.
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THERE'S NO WAY TO KNOW THE
TRUTH.
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...UNTIL THIS WEEKEND, WHEN THE
PLOT WENT FROM ONE-PLY TO TWO,
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BECAUSE HABERMAN REVEALED THESE
PHOTOS FROM A WHITE HOUSE
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SOURCE, SHOWING SOME TORN-UP
TOILET MEMOS.
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TO BE FAIR, IT'S UNCLEAR IF
THOSE ARE OFFICIAL WHITE HOUSE
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DOCUMENTS OR HIS TOILET'S
SUICIDE NOTE.
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( LAUGHTER )
JIM, CAN WE TAKE ANOTHER LOOK AT
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FLUSH FORCE ONE?
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OK, THAT'S CLEARLY HIS SHARPIE
HANDWRITING.
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HE EVEN WROTE THE NAME STEFANIK.
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AS IN ELISE STEFANIK, ONE OF THE
EXPRESIDENT'S BIGGEST G.O.P.
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DEFENDERS IN CONGRESS.
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IF YOU'RE IN THE MAGA WORLD,
THAT'S HUGE.
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CONGRATS ELISE I HEARD THE
PRESIDENT DROPPED YOUR NAME.
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( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
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NOW, IT'S BEEN A WHILE --
( APPLAUSE )
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WOW!
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THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
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IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I'VE
TALKED ABOUT CONSPIRACY THEORIST
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AND SOFTBALL DIPPED IN PUBES,
ALEX JONES.
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( AUDIENCE REACTS )
JONES IS, AND I WANT TO BE FAIR
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HERE, THE WORST HUMAN ON THE
PLANET.
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HE HAS RECENTLY BEEN THE TARGET
OF A DEFAMATION LAWSUIT OVER THE
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OUTRAGEOUS LIES HE TOLD ABOUT
THE SANDY HOOK TRAGEDY BEING
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FAKED.
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WELL, LATE LAST WEEK, THE JURY
BROUGHT DOWN THE SLEDGE HAMMER,
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AND ORDERED JONES TO PAY SANDY
HOOK PARENTS OVER $49 MILLION.
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OH!
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HELL, YES!
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THAT IS -- THAT IS -- THAT IS
FITTING NEWS.
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REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED ON
A CHECK FOR $49 MILLION.
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OF COURSE, ALL THE EVIDENCE MADE
THE JURY'S DECISION PRETTY EASY.
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INITIALLY, WHEN JONES TOOK THE
STAND, HE SWORE UNDER OATH THAT
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HE DIDN'T HAVE ANY EMAILS OR
TEXTS ABOUT SANDY HOOK.
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THEN, LAST WEEK, THE PLAINTIFF'S
LAWYER SPRANG A SURPRISE:
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>> MISTER JONES, DID YOU KNOW
THAT, 12 DAYS AGO...
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12 DAYS AGO, YOUR ATTORNEYS
MESSED UP AND SENT ME AN ENTIRE
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DIGITAL COPY OF YOUR ENTIRE
CELLPHONE WITH EVERY TEXT YOU'VE
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SENT FOR THE PAST TWO YEARS.
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AND WHEN INFORMED, DID NOT TAKE
ANY STEPS TO IDENTIFY IT AS
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PRIVILEGE OR PROTECTED IN ANY
WAY.
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AND AS OF TWO DAYS AGO, IT FELL
FREE AND CLEAR INTO MY
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POSSESSION AND THAT IS HOW I
KNOW YOU LIED TO ME WHEN YOU
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SAID YOU DIDN'T HAVE TEXT S
ABOUT SANDY HOOK.
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>> STEPHEN: ALEX JONES WAS
BETRAYED BY HIS OWN LAWYERS.
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I LOOK FORWARD --
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( APPLAUSE )
I LOOK FORWARD TO WHAT HE'LL SAY
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ABOUT THEM ON HIS CONSPIRACY
SHOW:
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(AS TUCK BUCKFORD)
"THESE GUYS ARE PART OF A VAST
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CONSPIRACY INVOLVING GEORGE
SOROS, SEX HORMONES HIDDEN IN
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CAPRI SUN COASTAL COOLERS, AND
THE ILLUMINATI INJECTING
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MICROCHIPS INTO YOUR GENITALS TO
TEACH YOUR PENIS CRITICAL RACE
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THEORY OR, AND FOLLOW ME DOWN
THE RABBIT HOLE HERE, MY LAWYERS
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ARE EVEN STUPIDER THAN I AM."
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( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
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LOOK, YOU RUB, THE MAYONNAISE --
( LAUGHTER )
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ALSO, LOOK AT JONES' LAWYER AS
THE PROSECUTION REVEALS HIS
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SCREW-UP.
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(AS LAWYER)
"WELL THEY DIDN'T COVER 'THIS'
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IN 'LEGALLY BLONDE.'
MM-MM-MM...
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"JONES WENT ON HIS SHOW TO TALK
ABOUT THE 'WHOOPSIE-GUILTY,' AND
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SWORE THERE WAS NOTHING
INCRIMINATING IN HIS PHONE
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RECORDS.
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>> THAT'S WHAT THEY'VE GOT.
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AND IT'S JUST--
NO DICK PICS
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NO NOTHING.
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( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: OH --
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OH, ALEX.
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I BEG TO DIFFER.
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EVERY PICTURE
OF YOU IS A DICK PIC.
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
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TONIGHT, MY GUESTS ARE MINDY
KALING AND SENATOR CHRIS
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MURPHY--AND JOE WALSH IS HERE.
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WITH THE BAND!
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