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Tracy Morgan Was A "Crack Dealer With A Heart Of Gold" | CONAN on TBS - YouTube
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Last OG, loosely based on your life, isn't that right?
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Yeah, man.
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Tell us about the old days, you know.
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You know, there was a life before show business.
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When I was a kid and in the '80's and crack was rampant.
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You know, everybody was trying to sell it to get money.
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But, you know, that's why...
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You sold some.
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I sold crack, yeah, but I was a crack dealer
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with a heart of gold.
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(audience laughter)
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I would sell them crack and then feel sorry for them.
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Yeah.
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I would sell them the crack and then you know this
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is gonna kill you, right.
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Yeah.
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You know I always kept my heart man.
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Yeah, you kept your heart in it, all right.
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I remember one time I had a aunt and she was doing drugs,
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right, and one day she bought me a Game Boy.
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And then she stole it.
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Then she helped me look for it.
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Then she helped you look for it?
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I was mad, I said "Why you bought me a Game Boy,
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steal it, then help me look for it?"
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She said "I had to eliminate myself as a suspect."
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(laughter)
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She had to.
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(Conan laughing)
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I remember one time, 'cause they, you know, crackheads
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will steal and sell anything that ain't nailed down.
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Yup.
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One day in Harlem when I was younger, I seen a crackhead
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trying to sell a whole fire escape.
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It was six floors you had in the push cart.
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(laughter)
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He ripped it off the side of a building?
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Yes, yes, he was that strong.
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That's what cocaine will do to you.
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And he had a little girl's pink Huffy with him.
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Yeah.
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They always sellin' them Huffy's.
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Sure, sure.
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(laughter)
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Where do you go, where do you go.
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Tracy.
What?
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One of the things I love about you as a comic
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is you say something really funny but then
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you go to another world in between.
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Where are you traveling?
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I gotta watch my back with him!
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(laughter)
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I don't know him.
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Do you ever run into anybody from back in the day now?
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Like, you know you've hit it, you're a big star.
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You're known world wide, you know,
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they show 30 Rock all over the world.
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And then they send me a whole $10.
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They what?
The whole $10.
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Everybody want barb money once you on Last OG.
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Everyone wants money from you,
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is that what you're sayin'?
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Yeah, everybody want money from you.
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(laughter)
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You still here?
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I hear you.
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All right, well...
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When the joke don't go over, I go into my instrument
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which is my face.
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(laughter)
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God gave me a extra layer of skin.
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Yeah, you go in there and that's where you go.
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Yeah, I'm your rubber band man (blubbering).
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That's the most sense you've made all night.
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(laughter)
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Told you.
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I'm sayin' like, you go back, okay,
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now there used to be a different guy,
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now you go back to that same neighborhood,
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you ever run into people you used to know
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who, you know what I mean?
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Maybe they wanna talk to you now that you're famous?
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Nah, I'm famous, I gotta cousin,
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I inspired him to be famous.
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Now he wants to be a magician.
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He's a magician, where's he from?
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He's really a thief, he's from Brooklyn.
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He's from Brooklyn?
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Yeah, he calls his self (bleep) the Great.
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He make your watch disappear and it don't reappear.
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(laughter)
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Once it's gone, it's gone.
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He a thief!
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You ever run into any old girlfriends
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back in the neighborhood?
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Yeah, yeah, I ran into Murdice.
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Who?
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Murdice, she was 400 pounds, that my first girlfriend.
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400 pounds.
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Your first girlfriend is 400 pounds?
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She was, but we go back to fourth grade.
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She was 250.
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(laughter)
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All right, so tell me about this young lady.
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One time I was making love to her for the first time
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and she said I want you to pick me up and do me on the wall.
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I said uh-uh, I got scoliosis is my spine.
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(laughter)
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You gotta pick me up and do me on the wall.
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And she did!
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She did it.
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(audience cheering)
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When you see her now, she might,
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still looks good to you I bet, right?
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Yeah, I mean, I'm just in love with her now 'cause
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she's more mature and she got those bingo wings.
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You don't know what bingo wings?
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What are bingo wings?
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When the old woman hit bingo and she go bingo and.
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(laughter)
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Bingo wings.
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(laughter)
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Bingo, I love bingo.
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I love me some bingo wings.
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You can't go wrong with a girl big and strong.
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Can't go wrong.
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You got heat in the winter, shade in the summer.
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(laughter)
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I love a big girl.
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So you, you...
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That's my thing, stretch marks.
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That's my thing.
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That's your thing, you like someone with stretch marks?
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Yeah, stretch marks and a C-section.
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That's my thing.
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I'm old school.
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So Tracy...
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I definitely wanna get with somebody pregnant.
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I'm get 'em pregnant.
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'Cause I'm old school, I don't be pullin' out.
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(laughter)
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You wanna, you wanna get someone pregnant.
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There he goes.
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There he goes.
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I'm serious man.
Yeah, you want a kid.
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Yeah, I'm tryin' to break Gundy's record.
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Who?
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I wanna be Gundy.
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Oh, Gandhi.
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I want 24 and better, I want 24 kids.
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I got Wal-Mart money now, we ain't gotta worry 'bout it.
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(laughter)
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I'm not gonna use a condom man.
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If you ain't willin' to die for it,
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you really didn't want it.
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(laughter)
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Makes sense to me.
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It makes sense to you?
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Yeah.
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Now is this true, what is this?
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You once, is this when you were young?
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You got depressed once.
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You tried to off yourself, is that true?
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Yeah, man.
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I remember that, wow.
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I tried to kill myself when my first girlfriend left me.
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Man, I thought the world was coming to end,
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I was only 16.
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So I drank a whole bottle of V05.
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V05 the shampoo?
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Yeah, my moms ain't even care
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about me tryin' to kill myself.
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The shampoo was on sale.
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Who touched my V05?
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You wanna kill yourself cut your wrist like everybody else.
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But leave my shampoo alone.
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That's what she said.
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What was the name of that girl
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that left you, broke your heart?
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Murdice.
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Oh that was Murdice.
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That was Mur Mur.
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That was Murdice, with bingo arms.
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Mur Mur, Mur Mur.
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That's my baby girl.
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Baby girl!
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