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Bear Market! & Kimberly Guilfoyle Scores $60K from Two-Minute Capitol Speech | The Daily Show - YouTube
Channel: The Daily Show with Trevor Noah
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big news from the stock market you know
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the app that they pre-install on your
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phone to make you feel dumb
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since the stock market recovered from
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the covert tumble in 2020 wall street
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has been having a blast and the more
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stocks you owned the better time you
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were having which is why warren buffett
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has got those new grills but
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over the last year inflation has been
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rising the federal reserve has been
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raising interest rates to cool the
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economy down and now it looks like the
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good times in the stock market might be
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officially over all lives on wall street
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once again this morning was yesterday
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the stocks plummeted pushing the s p
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500 officially into bear market
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territory the dow jones industrials now
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16 percent lower for the year the tech
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and biotech heavy nasdaq down 30
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year-to-date and the broader s p index
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common in americans portfolios sliding
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into bear market territory down 21 this
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year
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real money that americans have asked to
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one day retire pay for kids college or a
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new house the advice from most financial
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experts despite the high stress and the
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anxiety don't panic there's no need to
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panic the truth of the matter is
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don't panic
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[Applause]
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sorry what did they say
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i was uh too busy chugging that uh
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comically large bottle of xanax
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i'm not panicking by the way i'm just
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addicted to pills but yes people
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these are scary times for stocks because
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we are now officially in a bear market
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which is when people are so broke they
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have to blow paddington in a parking lot
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oh heavens oh heavens oh heavens
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no obviously i'm joking i'm joking
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paddington doesn't have a penis a bear
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market
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is basically when the smp has dropped 20
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from its previous high which for many
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can be very stressful yeah right now
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everyone who's looking at their e-trade
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account it feels like the same way you
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look when you know when you're looking
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at your ex's wedding photos on instagram
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she's like why why do i keep looking why
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why am i oh i hit like my mistake no
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i liked it now i have to comment i wish
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you all the best
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[Music]
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but even if you don't own stocks
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a bear market is often a signal that a
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recession might be coming and that
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affects everybody the economy slows down
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unemployment goes up africans become
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president and
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your mom
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starts buying the generic cereals with
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the knockoff mascots yeah
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terry the tiger says they're adequate
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and by the way it's not just the stock
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market that's falling right now yeah
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crypto is crashing even
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harder with bitcoin plummeting 67 from
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its high
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which i find really interesting
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because for like the past 10 years
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every single crypto bro i've met has
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told me that crypto would protect me
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when the mainstream economy failed
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you heard them they were everywhere
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crypto people would act like you were
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the crazy one for not investing your
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life savings into a coin some swedish
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teenager invented last week
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oh you're not in doggy monkey coin what
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a loser
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[Applause]
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you know what's even crazier is that the
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crypto crowd is blaming biden for this
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and look no here's the other thing you
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can blame a president for a lot of
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things inflation unemployment not being
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able to cheer for your son brandon in a
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soccer game without it becoming a whole
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thing but
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you can't blame him for crypto no
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my man if an 80 year old man who doesn't
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even know what bitcoin is
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can crash your crypto then your crypto
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ain't [聽__聽]
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i said it
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yeah
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i know you're mad that your jenga tower
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fell down but that's what happens when
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you play jenga
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because remember like this is what they
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said to everybody they said oh the
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crypto is gonna save you from the market
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that's what crypto is it protects you
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they made it seem like it was a
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parachute that would protect us all from
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the economy and then now the plane is
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crashing and then it turns out the
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parachute is attached to the plane
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you're like what is this oh it's all
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going down
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but let's move on
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from that bad economic news to some
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other bad economic news
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for two years now we have seen the
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global supply chain crisis impact
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everything from computers to cars to
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baby formula and by the way why is there
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never a supply chain shortage of bad
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stuff
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you know there's never a shortage of
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like racist halloween costumes
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no but how will i get cancelled now
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but the latest shortage is hitting even
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closer to home like as close as you can
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get
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now
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and playtex say there's high demand and
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low supply it's reportedly stemming from
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a combination of factory staffing
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problems transportation log jams and the
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rising cost of raw materials like
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plastics companies like cvs and target
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confirming they are experiencing lower
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inventory walgreens telling abc news
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they will have stock but there may only
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be certain brands available while they
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navigate the supply disruption and
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prices for this essential item aiming up
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nearly 10 percent according to bloomberg
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that's right the pandemic supply chain
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problems have now led to a tampon
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shortage
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a massive tampon shortage and before we
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panic before we panic i think we need to
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make sure that this whole thing wasn't
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just started by one dude's [聽__聽]
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excuse for not picking up tampons
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you know just like oh sorry babe i tried
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but there's like a whole supply chain
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issue
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yeah it's like economy stuff you
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wouldn't understand yeah
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because look this is actually a serious
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problem because without tampons like
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what will women dip into bowls of blue
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liquid
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yeah i know how women's bodies work i've
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seen it in the ads
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i'm that guy
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[Applause]
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by the way did you catch how they tried
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to blame the problem partly on women
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where they're like due to high demand
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what does that mean
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no but what is that
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due to high demand
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because
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isn't the demand always pretty much the
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same
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what has changed like is there like some
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viral get your period challenge on tick
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tock right now
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due to high demand
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right here
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and this absolutely sucks i'll tell you
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now this sucks for women
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guys don't have to go through this but
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women do it sucks
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i will tell you who is probably loving
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it right now though
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is that one forgotten tampon that's been
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sitting at the bottom of your bag for
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two years
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well well well lisa
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i knew you'd come crawling back
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you spent two years throwing tj maxx
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receipts chapstick and gum wrappers on
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top of me
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but look who's desperately digging
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around for me now
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that's right
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you thought you were cool
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no wait come back come back i'm sorry
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please don't leave me here the pennies
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are so mean to me
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[Applause]
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all right
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um
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and finally tonight um i wanted to wish
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someone very special a happy birthday um
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actually you guys can join me
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happy birthday to you
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happy birthday to you
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happy birthday president donald trump
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it's too late it's too late you wished
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him a happy birthday you wish him
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everybody all of you yeah you made his
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day and you wished him a long life he's
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here forever you guys did that
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[Laughter]
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today is donald trump's 76th birthday
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but it turns out
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he can't hear you
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[Laughter]
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you went louder
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yeah it is his birthday today but it
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turns out the haters can't even give the
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poor man a day off
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because all week all week long the
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january 6 committee has been riding his
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ass just because he tried to overthrow
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the government
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and now and now they're even accusing
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him of fraud
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just because he asked his supporters for
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money to set up an election defense fund
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and then didn't set up an election
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defense fund
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and yeah that looks bad
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but people don't realize that some of
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the money went to really important
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causes
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investigators claim that president trump
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raised over 250 million dollars from
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supporters to fight election fraud
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claims but then funneled the money to
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himself and his allies including his
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son's fiance kimberly guilfoyle who was
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paid 60 thousand dollars for a
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two-minute speech introducing donald
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trump jr at the january 6th rally god
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damn
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trump took some of the money that he
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said he was going to use to fight
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election fraud and paid his son's fiance
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60 000
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for a two-minute introduction speech
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which is such a scam i don't care what
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anyone says that's an even bigger scam
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than tai chi
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yeah oh i'm sorry who are you going to
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fight an army of slow butterflies what
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is this
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like what is this who he fighting
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i will say though this does prove that
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donald trump is a proud feminist ally
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yeah that's right i said it everyone's
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always complaining that women get paid
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less for more work but trump no he's
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doing everything to close the wage gap
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he paid kimberly guilfoyle for two
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minutes of work he paid stormy daniels
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for two minutes of work
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yeah
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trump isn't breaking the law he's
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breaking the glass ceiling and in case
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you were wondering what a sixty thousand
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dollar two-minute speech sounds like
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well take a listen to some of the
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highlights
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well good morning dc and good morning
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america
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god loving freedom loving liberty loving
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patriots that will not let them steal
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this election
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thank you president trump who stands for
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law enforcement for the constitution and
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let's show the president when he comes
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how much we love him god bless america
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god bless our president and ladies and
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gentlemen the best is yet to come
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okay
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okay
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okay no no no now i understand i
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understand it now she wasn't paid to
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speak for two minutes she was paid to
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stop speaking after two minutes that's
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what happened there i can't keep going
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longer no no here's your money here's
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your money just take the money take the
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money
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take the money take it all take it all
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take it out
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even the wind was like
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let's be honest people this was not a 60
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000 speech i don't care which side
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you're on no good speech ends with don
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jr coming out that's not a good speech
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[Applause]
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and you know once again as much as
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people want to be angry at donald trump
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i feel like this is one of those
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instances where he is the black light on
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america's democracy
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because you see he didn't invent this
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scam
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politicians from every party use their
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campaign funds to enrich their friends
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it's just that trump does it so
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egregiously that everyone notices it
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all politicians like oh donate this for
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the fund it's for this but no one looks
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at where the money goes
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yeah it's it's just something you pay
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attention to because of how he does it
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it's the same way all of us have eaten a
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grape or two at the grocery store
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but trump's the guy who walks into whole
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foods with a [聽__聽] knife you know it's
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like you guys have the best raw chicken
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so good so good all right that's it for
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the headlines but before we go to a
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break it's time to check in on the
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weather forecast with our very own desi
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like everybody
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so good to see you again
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so
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what's uh what's the weather looking
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like oh trevor we're inside it doesn't
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matter
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you know what does matter is the fact
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that there's a tampon shortage
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i mean i still have a source but pretty
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soon my neighbor's gonna start noticing
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that hers have gone missing
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let me tell you it is bad times for
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women i mean no tampons and trevor i
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know what you're gonna say
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what about pads and while i am grateful
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for you as a man for trying to help
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solve this problem it's very cute but
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pads are off the table okay they're huge
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and obsolete they're like the iphone 3
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of feminine hygiene
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it's not going to happen and i know what
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you're going to say next desi what about
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the divacup i didn't say that look i
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know that they are supposed to be great
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for the environment and i get it but i
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just can't get on board a tampon you
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take out you never have to see it again
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but a diva cup
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it's there every day
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like it remembers
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and it's sea stuff you know
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anyway also why do they call it a diva
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cup i do not feel like a diva when i'm
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cleaning up a murder scene in the work
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bathroom
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if anything they should call it the
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dexter cup
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look i think you and i both know that
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there is only one way to solve this
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problem okay and that's to free bleed
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women yes
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yes
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women everywhere need to just start free
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bleeding
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everywhere and i mean everywhere i'm
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talking the subway
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your office chair happy hour at
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applebee's
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trust me if we all do that men will stop
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ignoring this problem and it'll get
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solved in a week tops
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i guess
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yeah because let me tell you if there is
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one thing that freaks men out more than
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blood it's women's blood
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by the way i've been talking for two
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minutes so you owe me 60 grand
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so
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we didn't talk about the weather but
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thank you so much desi lydic everybody
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[Music]
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you
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