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Millennials Don鈥檛 Have Real Jobs - Tim Dillon - YouTube
Channel: unknown
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Before I was a comedian,
I was out of work a lot.
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Friend of-- What's the worst
thing about being out of work?
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What do you think?
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No money?
Very reasonable answer.
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That's not it.
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It's not no money.
It's not poverty.
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It's not homelessness.
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It is the unsolicited advice
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you get from your friends.
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I was out of work one week.
Leave me alone.
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One of my DJ friends...
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my personal trainer/DJ friends
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comes up to me
and he goes like this.
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He goes, "Yo, bro,
it's pretty fuckin' simple.
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You gotta see yourself
as the world sees you,
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and that's the job you do."
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I was like,
"Okay, that may be true,
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but you can't just be
a retired detective."
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I can't just walk
around New York City
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with a cup of coffee
being racist.
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There has to be schooling.
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I am so happy
to not be in New York.
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It's too fucking expensive.
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You gotta be evil.
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That's how much money
it costs.
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You gotta be evil.
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That's the only fucking way
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to live in New York City.
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It's so bad,
nobody will even admit
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what they do for a living,
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because they all pay eight grand
a month for a loft,
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so whatever they do
is fucking evil.
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But none-- If you ask somebody
what they do for a living,
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you get the same response.
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You're like,
"What do you do for a living?"
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He's a guy in a suit.
He's like, "Ha, ha, ha!"
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( muttering )
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"It's an experimental...
you know.
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It's a multiplatform...
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( laughs )
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When JP Morgan forecloses
on a house, I burn it down.
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Come on! You know!"
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"I'm a designer."
"What do you design?"
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"I don't wanna brag, you know?
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The uniforms
at Guant谩namo Bay.
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I love orange!"
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I don't--
Listen, here's the deal.
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Who's under 30?
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( scattered cheers )
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Well, now, I feel weird
about this job.
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I feel-- I had no idea.
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Let me tell you this.
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I get angry at millennials.
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I do. And not-- not the old--
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- ( scattered applause )
- Thank you. Thank--
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Thank you,
the four old people here.
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Just three elderly people
in the back
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who work security
for this theater.
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God bless you.
Fuck these kids.
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No, here's the deal.
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If you're under 23,
you have a fake job.
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That's-- Listen.
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Unless you're
in the military or a nurse,
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and you're not,
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if you're under 23,
you have a fake job.
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But the problem is,
if you ask a millennial
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about their fake job,
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they are so confident,
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that you feel
like a piece of shit.
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You're like,
"What do you do for a living?"
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They're like, "Actually,
I'm an Instagram filter."
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"Excuse me?"
"Yeah, I'm Valencia."
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"Oh, I had no idea."
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I had a real job when
I was a millennial, okay?
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I didn't do
any of this bullshit,
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like manage the Instagram
account of a tweet,
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or whatever the hell you do.
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Okay? I had a real job.
I sold subprime mortgages.
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Thank you very much.
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Thank you.
I sold mansions to janitors.
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They loved it,
for six to eight months.
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And then
I had to stop doing that
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because I was growing
as a person
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and the FBI
and all this shit.
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And-- I was evolving.
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And I moved from Long Island
to New York City
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and I had to
get another sales job,
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and this is have soft
New York City is.
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I don't want it to happen
to New Orleans.
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I see it happening, by the way.
I don't want it to happen.
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This is how soft New York is.
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The only thing that I could
interview to sell
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was organic baby food.
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But the problem was I brought
all of the aggression
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from the mortgage world
into that interview.
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It was just an old hipster.
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He's like, "Hey, welcome
to Happy Baby."
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I was like, "I will do whatever
the fuck needs to be done."
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He's like, "Whoa!
We're just really proud
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of the ingredients
we put in the jars."
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I'm like, "I don't give a fuck
what goes in those jars!
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I work for you!"
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He was like, "Well, this is
just going to the food co-op
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and talking to parents."
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I'm like, "Well, I won't
talk to the Feds.
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Put me in this
radish pudding game now!"
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They called the cops,
but fuck 'em!
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If they don't wanna
make money...
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