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John Mulaney Got Cheated Out of $120K | Netflix Is A Joke - YouTube
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- I went to college, for the whole time.
[2]
(audience laughing)
Holy shit, right?
[5]
I just got a letter from my college,
[7]
which was fun, 'cause mail, you know?
[9]
(audience laughing)
[10]
So I open up the letter and they said,
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hey John, it's college, you remember?
[15]
(audience laughing)
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I say, yes of course.
(audience laughing)
[19]
And then they said,
how did they phrase it,
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then they said, give us some money!
[22]
(audience laughing)
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As a gift!
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We want a gift!
(audience laughing)
[28]
But only if it's money!
[30]
(audience laughing)
I found this peculiar.
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'Cause you see, what
had happened New York,
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was that when I was a student you see,
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I had paid them a tuition money.
[40]
(audience laughing)
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Every semester, two semesters
a year for four years.
[45]
I don't remember exactly what it was,
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but rounding up, back in 1999 dollars,
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it was about $15,000 a semester.
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Two semesters a year for four years.
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So it was about $30,000
a year for four years.
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So it was about $120,000, okay?
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So roughly speaking, I gave my
college about $120,000, okay?
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So you might say that I
already gave them $120,000
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and now you have the audacity
to ask me for more money?
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What kind of a coke-head relative?
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(audience cheering)
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What kind of a coke-head
relative is my college?
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You spent it already?
[90]
(audience laughing)
[91]
I gave you more money
than the Civil War cost
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and you fuckin' spent it already?
[98]
(audience laughing)
Where's my money?
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I felt like Jimmy Stewart
in "It's a Wonderful Life"
[103]
when he's screaming at his Uncle Billy
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I was like, where's the money?
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Where's that money you fat motherfucker?
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Where's my money?
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Stay down on the ground,
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stay down on the ground you motherfucker!
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That's not the dialogue, but
do y'all remember that scene
[115]
from "It's a Wonderful Life"?
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(audience laughing)
Great movie.
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Frank Capra, 1946.
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$120,000.
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And I have friends I went to
college with and they're like,
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oh, you should donate
and be a good alumnus.
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And they wear shirts that say
school and it's like, look.
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If you're an adult still
giving money to your college,
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college is a $120,000 hooker
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and you are an idiot who
fell in love with her.
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She's not gonna do anything else for you.
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It's done.
(audience cheering)
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In their letter they were like,
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hey, it's been a while
since you've given us money.
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I was like, hey, it's been a while
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since you've housed and taught me.
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(audience laughing)
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I thought our transaction was over.
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I gave you $120,000 and you gave me like,
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a weird cinder block room
with a "Reservoir Dogs"
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poster on it and the first
real heartbreak of my life,
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and probably HPV and
then we called it a day.
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Probably.
(audience laughing)
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Also, what did I get for my money?
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What is college?
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(stuttering)
(audience laughing)
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Stop going!
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Till we figure it out.
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'Cause I went to college.
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I have no idea what it was.
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I went to college.
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I was 18 years old.
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I looked like I was 11.
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(audience laughing)
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I lived like a goddamn Ninja Turtle.
[203]
(audience laughing)
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I didn't drink water the entire time.
[213]
(audience laughing)
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I lived on cigarettes,
and alcohol and Adderall.
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College was like a
four-year game show called,
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Do My Friends Hate Me or Do
I Just Need to go to Sleep?
[225]
(audience laughing)
But instead of winning money
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you lose $120,000.
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By the way, I agreed to give them $120,000
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when I was 17 years old.
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With no attorney present.
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(audience laughing)
That's illegal.
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They tricked me.
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They tricked me like Brendan
Dassey on Making a Murderer.
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They tricked me like poor Brendan.
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They pulled me out of high school.
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I was in sweatpants all confused.
[255]
(audience laughing)
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Two guys in clip-on ties were like,
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come on son, do the right thing.
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Sign here and you'll be an English major.
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I was like, okay.
(audience laughing)
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Yes you heard me.
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An English major.
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I paid $120,000.
(audience clapping)
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How dare you clap?
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How dare you clap for the
worst financial decision
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I ever made in my life?
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I paid $120,000 for someone to tell me
[284]
to go read "Jane Austen"
and then I didn't.
[288]
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
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