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Weekend Update on the Government Shutdown - SNL - YouTube
Channel: Saturday Night Live
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♪♪♪
>>> IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH
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COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
>> THANK YOU.
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THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
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>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."
I'M MICHAEL CHE.
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>> I'M COLIN JOST.
>> CONGRATULATIONS TO
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DONALD TRUMP WHO MANAGED TO KEEP
OUR GOVERNMENT OPEN FOR ALMOST
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ONE WHOLE YEAR.
THE GOVERNMENT SHUT DOWN AT
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MIDNIGHT LAST NIGHT OVER
DISAGREEMENTS REGARDING
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IMMIGRATION.
PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS BLAMED
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MINORITY LEADER CHUCK SCHUMER
FOR THE SHUTDOWN BECAUSE TRUMP
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NEVER PASSES UP AN OPPORTUNITY
TO BLAME A MINORITY.
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AT THIS POINT, I HAVE TO ASK --
WHY IS SHUTTING DOWN OUR
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GOVERNMENT EVEN AN OPTION?
LIKE, AMERICA'S BEEN AROUND FOR
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240 YEARS.
MAYBE IT'S TIME WE BUY OUR
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GOVERNMENT INSTEAD OF JUST
LEASING IT MONTH TO MONTH.
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I MEAN, THIS IS PEOPLE'S LIVES,
NOT A KIA SORENTO.
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EVEN PRODUCTION ON "HOUSE OF
CARDS" DIDN'T SHUT DOWN AFTER
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THE MAIN GUY TURNED OUT TO BE A
FULL PREDATOR.
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IF A FAKE GOVERNMENT CAN KEEP
GOING, SO CAN WE.
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ALSO, IN THAT FAKE GOVERNMENT,
THEY GOT RID OF THE SEXUAL
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PREDATOR PRESIDENT, AND GOT A
FEMALE PRESIDENT INSTEAD.
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SO JUST SOMETHING TO THINK
ABOUT.
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SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT.
>> SO, IF THE GOVERNMENT SHUTS
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DOWN, DO WE STILL HAVE TO PAY
TAXES FOR THE WHOLE YEAR?
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DO WE GET PRO-RATED?
WHEN MY COMCAST SHUT DOWN, I GOT
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FREE HBO FOR A MONTH.
I FEEL LIKE THEY OWE US AN EAGLE
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OR APPLE PIE OR SOMETHING.
>>> THIS WEEK I WAS FINALLY ABLE
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TO GOOGLE STORMY DANIELS ON MY
WORK COMPUTER.
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IN AN INTERVIEW FROM 2011, PORN
STAR STORMY DANIELS SAID THAT
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WHILE SHE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR
WITH DONALD TRUMP, HE TOLD HER
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SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL AND SMART JUST
LIKE HIS DAUGHTER.
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WHICH IS SOMEHOW THE GROSSEST
THING A MAN HAS EVER SAID TO
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STORMY DANIELS.
ALTHOUGH, I JUST LOVE WATCHING
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MIKE PENCE DURING ALL OF THIS.
HE'S A BORN AGAIN EVANGELICAL
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CHRISTIAN.
AT THIS POINT, PENCE WILL
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PROBABLY BE MORE COMFORTABLE AS
A JUDGE ON "RUPAUL'S DRAG RACE."
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>> THE WORTH PART WAS THAT IT
WAS SUCH A LAME STORY.
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I THOUGHT WE WOULD AT LEAST GET
FREAKY DETAILS OUT OF IT, DONALD
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TRUMP GRABS WOMEN BY THE VAGINA
AS HIS OPENER, SO HIS SEX MUST
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BE INSANE, RIGHT?
HE WAS SPANKED BY A MAGAZINE,
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AND HE IS AFRAID OF SHARKS.
OF COURSE HE IS, HE HAS THE BODY
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OF A SEAL.
>>> ON TUESDAY THE WHITE HOUSE
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DOCTOR HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE
WHERE HE READ THE RESULTS OF
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PRESIDENT TRUMP'S PHYSICAL.
AND WE HAVE SOME OF THE RESULTS
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RIGHT HERE.
EKG, NORMAL.
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BLOOD PRESSURE, NORMAL.
URINE, LOVES IT.
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THE DOCTOR SAID THAT PRESIDENT
TRUMP TOOK A COGNITIVE
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ASSESSMENT TEST AND DID
EXCEEDINGLY WELL.
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TF IT WASN'T LIKE AN IQ TEST, IT
WAS MORE LIKE ARE YOU OKAY?
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THE LAST PERSON TO FAIL THIS
TEST WAS LINCOLN AFTER THE PLAY.
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>> I FOR ONE AM HAPPY TO KNOW
THAT THE PRESIDENT HAS A NORMAL
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FUNCTIONING BRAIN.
BECAUSE IT WOULD SUCK TO FIND
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OUT THAT ALL THIS TIME I'VE BEEN
MAKING FUN OF A MENTALLY
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CHALLENGED DUDE.
IF HE WOULD HAVE FAILED THAT
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MENTAL EXAM, IT WOULD HAVE
CHANGED EVERYTHING.
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PEOPLE FROM OTHER COUNTRIES
WOULD BE LIKE, "HEY, YOU'RE FROM
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AMERICA, WHERE THEY ELECTED THAT
CRAZY GUY.
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THAT'S AWESOME."
>> HUNDREDS OF MARCHES ARE
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PLANNED AROUND THE WORLD TODAY
TO PROTEST PRESIDENT TRUMP'S
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FIRST YEAR, SINGLE HANDEDLY
SAVING THE PINK YARN INDUSTRY.
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YOU KNOW, I SUPPORT THE WOMEN'S
MARCH, BUT THOSE HATS ARE QUITE
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HILARIOUS.
IF MARTIN LUTHER KING GAVE HIS
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SPEECH IN A BLACK PENIS HAT,
HE'D PROBABLY STILL BY ALIVE
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TODAY.
>> THE FIRST YEAR IN OFFICE
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TYPICALLY AGES A PRESIDENT, BUT
HERE IS TRUMP A YEAR AGO, AND
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HERE IS TRUMP NOW.
IT'S ACTUALLY NOT THAT BIG OF A
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DIFFERENCE.
NOW, LET'S SEE HOW IT'S AFFECTED
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THE NEWS ANCHORS WHO HAVE TO
REPORT ON TRUMP.
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HERE IS ANDERSON COOPER A YEAR
AGO, HERE IS ANDERSON NOW.
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THIS ALSO MARKED THE YEAR
ANNIVERSARY OF REPUBLICANS
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CONTROLLING ALL THREE BRANCHES
OF GOVERNMENT, SO LET'S TAKE A
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LOOK BACK AT WHAT THEY'VE
MANAGED TO ACCOMPLISH.
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♪♪♪
♪ YOU'VE GOT THE TOUCH ♪
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♪♪♪
>> VERY --
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INSPIRING.
>> YESTERDAY "INTOUCH WEEKLY"
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ANOWED AN INTERVIEW SHE HAD
ABOUT HER RELATIONSHIP WITH
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PRESIDENT TRUMP IN 2006.
HERE TO COMMENT NOW IS
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STORMY DANIELS.
>> HEY.
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LAISSEZ LES BONTEMPS ROULEZ,
COLIN.
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>> HI THERE, STORMY, HOW ARE
YOU?
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>> I'M WAY FINE, IT'S WHATEVER.
>> I'M ACTUALLY SURPRISED YOU'RE
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HERE TONIGHT.
BUT IT'S CRAZY, RIGHT?
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'CAUSE NOW IT'S LIKE, I'M ALL
OTHER "HUFFINGTON POST" AND
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"DAILY BEAST."
I'M LIKE, A LIBERAL HERO.
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LIKE, THINGS ARE SO BAD RIGHT
NOW, THERE ARE JUST SO MANY
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WOMEN DESPERATELY TRYING TO
FIGURE OUT HOW TO BE EMPOWERED
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BY ME.
LIKE, THE BEST THEY CAN SAY IS
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THAT I'M A FEMALE DIRECTOR.
>> YOU ALSO DIRECT PORN?
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>> YEAH, COLIN.
BECAUSE UNLIKE YOUR INDUSTRY, WE
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ACTUALLY HAVE FEMALE DIRECTORS.
OOH, IMAGINE THAT.
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>> OKAY, OKAY.
I GET THAT I'M NOT WHAT THESE
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PEOPLE ENVISIONED THEIR HERO
WOULD LOOK LIKE, BUT GUESS WHAT,
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AMERICA?
I'M THE HERO YOU DESERVE RIGHT
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NOW.
>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?
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>> OKAY, OKAY.
TAKE FOR INSTANCE THE STEELE
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DOSSIER, RIGHT?
OKAY, WHEN THAT INFORMATION
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ABOUT RUSSIA WAS IMPORTANT
ENOUGH SOMEBODY WOUND UP DEAD,
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BUT ALL ANYBODY WANTED TO TALK
ABOUT WAS THE RUSSIAN HOOKERS,
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YOU GET A STORMY.
OKAY?
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I WAS HANGING OUT LATE AT NIGHT
WITH DONALD TRUMP AND
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BEN ROETHLISBERGER, AND THE ONE
I TRUSTED TO GET ME HOME SAFE
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WAS BEN ROETHLISBERGER.
AND THEN YOU GUYS WENT AND MADE
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THE OTHER GUY PRESIDENT.
SO YOU GET A STORMY, OKAY?
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AND LADIES, WHEN IT'S THE ONE
YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF THE WOMEN'S
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MARCH, AND Y'ALL ARE ARGUING
ABOUT WHO GETS TO SAY "ME, TOO"
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AND WHO DOESN'T?
WELL, YOU GET A STORMY.
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AND MY HASHTAG ISN'T #TIMESUP,
IT'S #ASSUP.
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>> OKAY.
OKAY, SO YOU JUST WANT TO TEACH
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PEOPLE A LESSON NOW?
>> NO, NO, I JUST AM THE LESSON.
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OKAY?
I JUST WANTED TO BE ON
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"CELEBRITY APPRENTICE."
BUT THAT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN,
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AND I'M MAKING PEACE WITH THAT.
AND AMERICA, YOU NEED TO ACCEPT
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YOUR REALITY, TOO.
YOU WISH YOU WERE LIVING IN
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1920s PARIS WITH BARACK OBAMA,
BUT YOU'RE IN 1990s ORLANDO WITH
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TRUMPY AND STORMY.
THAT'S WHAT YOU GET.
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YOU GET A STORMY, YOU GET A
STORMY.
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I'M LIKE OPRAH, SHOULD I RUN FOR
PRESIDENT?
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I WOULD WIN.
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