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Chappelle's Show - Trading Spouses - YouTube
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[5]
HI, AND WELCOME TO
"TRADING SPOUSES,"
[8]
THE SHOW WHERE WE TAKE
TWO MARRIED COUPLES,
[11]
AND YOU GUESSED IT,
[12]
MAKE THEM TRADE SPOUSES
FOR A WHOLE MONTH.
[14]
WATCH THE SPARKS FLY TODAY,
[16]
BECAUSE FOR THE FIRST TIME
ON OUR SHOW,
[18]
WE'RE GOING INTERRACIAL.
[21]
( man )
DADDY'S GOING AWAY FOR
A LITTLE WHILE, ALL RIGHT ?
[23]
I'M GONNA LIVE
WITH A WHITE FAMILY.
[25]
Y'ALL BE GOOD.
[26]
WHAT YOU GOIN' BE DOIN'
WITH A WHITE FAMILY ?
[28]
IT'S A T.V. SHOW,
SAY HI TO AMERICA.
[30]
ANYBODY TRY AND TOUCH
YOUR MOTHER,
[32]
PUNCH HIM IN HIS (BLEEP).
[33]
LOOK, SON, DAD'S GOING
AWAY FOR A FEW WEEKS.
[37]
SO, I WANT YOU TO
BE GOOD, OKAY, SQUIRT ?
[39]
WHATEVER.
[41]
I LOVE YOU.
[43]
OH, ESKIMO KISSES.
[48]
YOU MUST BE
LITTLE T-MART.
[51]
WOULD YOU LIKE TO
CALL ME DADDY, HMM ?
[54]
IS IT OKAY IF
I CALL YOU MR. DEEZ ?
[56]
MR. DEEZ ?
[58]
DEEZ NUTS !
[60]
I-I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
[65]
WHAT'S HAPPENIN' ?
[66]
YOU MUST BE LEONARD.
[68]
THAT'S RIGHT.
[69]
CAN I CALL YOU
DADDY ?
[70]
HELL NO.
[71]
ONLY YOUR MAMA
CALLS ME DADDY.
[73]
HERE, MOP TOP, TAKE
MY BAG UP TO MY ROOM.
[75]
AND IF I FIND OUT YOU BEEN
GOING THROUGH MY (BLEEP),
[77]
I'M GONNA BEAT YOU
IN YOUR ASS, YOU UNDERSTAND ?
[79]
HMM.
[81]
WELL, WELCOME,
IT'S GOOD TO HAVE YOU HERE.
[85]
IT'S GOOD TO BE HERE,
COME ON, GIRL.
[87]
OH-- OH, YES.
[90]
I DON'T SMELL
NO DINNER COOKING.
[92]
RUN ON, MAKE SOME GRITS.
[97]
RUN ON.
[99]
WHAT YOU COOKIN'
FOR DINNER, MISTER ?
[101]
OH, YEAH, WELL, I'M GLAD
YOU ASKED, LITTLE BUDDY.
[104]
UM, THIS HERE IS
CAULIFLOWER.
[106]
THIS IS
CORNED BEEF HASH.
[108]
AND THESE ARE PARSNIPS.
[112]
WHAT THE (BLEEP)
IS A PARSNIP ?
[114]
LEONARD,
JUST SO YOU KNOW,
[116]
TODD WOULD USUALLY DO
THE DISHES AFTER DINNER.
[118]
WELL, JUST SO<i> YOU</i> KNOW,
[121]
HIS ASS WILL BE BACK
APRIL 13th.
[123]
GO ON,
DO YOUR THING, GIRL.
[125]
MOP TOP...
[127]
YOU DO YOUR HOMEWORK ?
[129]
YEAH.
[130]
WELL, GO ON UPSTAIRS
AND WASH YOUR ASS
[131]
AND THEN WE'LL
WATCH MARTIN LAWRENCE.
[133]
WANT ME TO LIGHT YOUR
CIGARETTE FOR YOU TOO ?
[136]
YOU BETTER CHECK
YOUR TONE, GIRL,
[137]
GET YOUR
INSIDE VOICE ON
[138]
BEFORE I PUT YOUR ASS
OUTSIDE, MM.
[150]
RACIAL PROFILING ?
[155]
WHO THE (BLEEP) IS
RENEE "ZELLWEDGER" ?
[161]
WHAT'S WRONG, SWEETIE ?
[163]
T-MART'S BEEN
BACK-TALKING ME,
[164]
AND I NEED YOU TO
TAKE CARE OF IT FOR ME.
[166]
T-MART...
[168]
EXCUSE ME,
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
[171]
ALL RIGHT.
[172]
YOU'RE IN BIG
TROUBLE, MISTER.
[174]
WHAT, YOU GONNA
HIT ME OR SOMETHING ?
[176]
YOU'RE GOING ON
TIME-OUT.
[179]
FOR 15 MINUTES, OKAY ?
[183]
YEAH--
[184]
STARTING NOW,
T-MART.
[186]
TIME-OUT !
[189]
TIME-OUT IS SWEET !
[193]
HALLE BERRY,
HERE I COME.
[196]
( rap music booming )
[198]
HEY, MOP TOP !
[200]
WHAT THE HELL
YOU LISTENING TO ?
[203]
IT'S THE NEW 50 CENT.
[204]
I'M FROM
THE STREETS, MAN.
[206]
G-G-G-G-G-G...
G-UNIT.
[211]
COME ON,
GET IN THE CAR.
[213]
G-G-G-G-G-G... GET YO' ASS
IN THE CAR, GO ON !
[220]
WELL, HERE YOU ARE, MOP TOP,
HOME SWEET HOME, THE 'HOOD.
[224]
ALL RIGHT,
LITTLE FELLA,
[225]
SAY HELLO TO YOUR
PEOPLE FOR ME.
[227]
AND TELL 'EM
WHEN YOU SEE 'EM,
[229]
THAT LEONARD WASHINGTON IS
GLAD HE MADE IT OUT, GO ON.
[231]
GO ON.
[232]
G-G-G-G-G-G...
GOOD-BYE.
[234]
AND IF YOU NEED MONEY,
SELL ROCKS,
[236]
I HEARD THAT'S WHAT
THEY DO AROUND HERE.
[246]
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ?
[248]
DAMN, BITCH, WHAT'S THIS,
A LIGHT SABER OR SOMETHING ?
[254]
NIGHT-NIGHT.
[255]
HMM.
[258]
DO YOU WANNA HAVE
SEX WITH ME, TODD ?
[260]
YES, I WOULD
LIKE THAT VERY MUCH.
[262]
OKAY.
[265]
OH !
[266]
UH, EXCUSE ME.
[269]
DO YOU MIND IF I TURN OFF
THIS R & B MUSIC ?
[275]
I KINDA WANNA
HEAR YOU BREATHING.
[278]
OKAY.
[278]
ALL RIGHT.
[285]
UH, DO YOU WANNA TAKE OFF
YOUR PAJAMA BOTTOMS ?
[288]
ACTUALLY, I'D FEEL MORE
COMFORTABLE IF I JUST
[291]
PULLED MY PENIS
THROUGH THIS HOLE.
[296]
I'M SORRY, BABY,
I DON'T GO SOUTH OF THE BORDER.
[299]
THAT'S JUST ONE THING THAT
LEONARD WASHINGTON DON'T DO.
[301]
BUT-- BUT, LEONARD,
IT'S OKAY, I'M WAXED.
[303]
DAMN !
[305]
NOW, I DONE HEARD OF
TRIMMING THE HEDGES,
[307]
BUT YOU DONE
SCORCHED THE EARTH.
[309]
( sniffing )
[312]
I SMELL YOUR
LIGHT SABER.
[315]
LIGHT SABER ?
[317]
( buzzing )
[328]
LEONARD AND I HARDLY
EVEN TALK ANYMORE.
[330]
THE OTHER NIGHT HE CAME HOME
AT THREE IN THE MORNING.
[332]
I HAD NO IDEA
WHERE HE WAS.
[334]
HE USES PROFANITY
AROUND JEFFREY.
[337]
I JUST DON'T FEEL
LIKE WE'RE SHARING.
[339]
I DON'T FEEL LIKE THERE'S
ANY RECIPROCITY THERE.
[341]
( therapist )
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT
ALL THIS, LEONARD ?
[345]
BITCH, I'LL NEVER
FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS.
[348]
GO ON, GET IN THE CAR,
WARM IT UP.
[351]
THIS IS GOOD,
YOU CAN LET OUT
[353]
WHATEVER YOU FEEL
IN HERE, LEONARD.
[355]
ALL RIGHT, I'MA TELL YOU
RIGHT NOW, I AIN'T CRAZY,
[358]
I DON'T NEED NO
PSYCHIATRIST.
[361]
AND IF YOU EVER TELL
ANYBODY I'VE BEEN IN HERE,
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I'LL (BLEEP) KILL YA.
[365]
IT'S CONFIDENTIAL
HERE, LEONARD.
[367]
I WON'T TELL ANYONE,
IT'S JUST BETWEEN US.
[369]
WELL THEN,
CONFIDENTIALLY,
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I AM CRAZY, AND I'LL
(BLEEP) KILL YA.
[374]
WELL, IT'S BEEN
A WILD AND CRAZY MONTH.
[377]
LET'S SEE WHAT OUR INTERRACIAL
FAMILIES HAVE LEARNED.
[381]
I LEARNED
A LOT FROM SHARRON
[383]
AND I LEARNED A LOT
FROM LITTLE T-MART.
[385]
AND QUITE FRANKLY,
I'LL MISS THEM BOTH VERY MUCH.
[388]
AND FOR THE FIRST TIME
IN MY LIFE...
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I TASTED BROWN SUGAR,
AND NOT IN MY OATMEAL.
[396]
( chuckles )
[398]
YEAH, BEING ON THIS SHOW
TAUGHT ME THAT,
[400]
NO MATTER WHERE YOU COME FROM,
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING ?
[403]
OR WHAT COLOR YOUR SKIN IS,
[404]
WE ALL PRETTY MUCH DO
THE SAME THINGS IN LIFE.
[407]
RAISE OUR KIDS, MAKE LOVE FROM
TIME TO TIME, AND WASH.
[412]
SPEAKING OF WHICH,
[415]
I LEARNED THAT WHITE PEOPLE
DON'T USE WASHCLOTHS.
[417]
DID YOU KNOW THAT ?
[419]
I'M SERIOUS, THEY HAVE
ONE BAR OF SOAP IN THE HOUSE.
[421]
EVERY TIME I USED IT, SOMEBODY
ELSE'S PUBIC HAIR WAS IN IT.
[424]
SO USE THE CLOTH.
[426]
WHY YOUR ASS GOT TO PUT
THE RAW BAR OF SOAP
[427]
IN YOUR BUTT AND ALL THIS ?
[429]
MAYBE I NEED TO WASH MY FACE
OR MY FEET.
[434]
TODD AND LEONARD ARE
VERY DIFFERENT.
[436]
ALTHOUGH LEN IS
THE LOVE OF MY LIFE,
[439]
IN A DIFFERENT WORLD, I COULD
SEE MYSELF WITH TODD.
[442]
ALTHOUGH THE
PENIS-THROUGH-THE-HOLE THING
[444]
WAS KIND OF WEIRD.
[446]
AND I AM MISSING
SOME OF MY DRAWERS.
[452]
OH...
[454]
OH, MY GOSH--
HO-HO.
[459]
TITTY RESIDUE--
[461]
HELLO... HELLO ?
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