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Gaetz-Gaete: Could A Quid-Pro-Pot Take Down The Troubled Congressman? - YouTube
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>> Stephen: HEY, MAN!
[2]
WHERE YOU BEEN?
[4]
I HAVE BEEN HERE ALL DAY WAITING
FOR YOU TO SHOW UP!
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I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE!
[8]
I THOUGHT MAYBE I HAD THE WRONG
PLACE!
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WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
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I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
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TONIGHT, A VERY SPECIAL
LATE-STARTING EPISODE,
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COMING RIGHT OFF THE HIGHLIGHTS
FROM THE INCREDIBLE
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BALL-SMACKIN' ACTION TODAY AT
AUGUSTA NATIONAL.
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ALL THE STARS OF GOLF WERE
THERE: THE CLUB, THE HOLE, THE
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TINY FLAG.
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EVERYTHING YOU LOVE.
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BUT SINCE WE'RE EXTRA LATE, WE
GET TO BE EXTRA SPICY.
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AND SEX SELLS, SO LET'S START
WITH THE TOO-HOT-FOR-TV STORY
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THAT'S MAKING EVERYONE'S
TEMPERATURE RISE:
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FORMER TEXAS CONGRESSMAN AND
COMPANY FOUNDER ON THE BAG OF
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GOURMET PANCAKE MIX, RON PAUL.
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PAUL IS A HARDCORE LIBERTARIAN
WHO HAS BEEN CALLED THE FATHER
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OF THE TEA PARTY.
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WHICH IS MUCH KINDER THAN
POINTIG OUT THAT HE'S THE
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FATHER OF RAND PAUL.
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YESTERDAY, CONGRESSMAN PAUL
APPEARED ON A ZOOM PODCAST TO
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DISCUSS THE FUTURE OF PERSONAL
LIBERTY.
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AND AT THE END, HE REVEALED THAT
HE HAD TAKEN SOME LIBERTIES OF
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HIS OWN.
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>> THANKS, RON, IT WAS A REAL
HONOR TO HAVE YOU ON THE SHOW.
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VERY--
>> NICE BEING WITH BOTH OF YOU.
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TRULY.
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>> ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU.
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>> THANK YOU.
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>> THANKS, RON.
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>> STEPHEN: WOO!
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YEAH!
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HE'S NOT JUST SMALL-GOVERNMENT,
HE IS TINY TROUSERS!
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AND DEFINITELY LEANS TO THE
RIGHT.
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I'M NOT SURPRISED A LIBERTARIAN
LIKE RON PAUL FLAUNTS THE DAISY
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DUKES.
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IT ALL GOES BACK TO AYN RAND'S
CLASSIC WORK OF RATIONAL
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SELF-INTEREST, "ATLAS TWERKED."
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CONGRESSMAN PAUL, THANK YOU FOR
SHOWING US THE FUTURE OF THE
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LIBERTARIAN MOVEMENT--
FREE-THINKING, UNREGULATED,
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BALL-HUGGING HOT PANTS.
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LET THE MARKET DECIDE HOW MUCH
SIDE-BUTT AN 85-YEAR-OLD MAN
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SHOULD SHOW!
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WHY DO YOU THINK FORMER FED
CHAIR ALAN GREENSPAN WAS BETTER
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KNOWN AS ALAN G-STRING?
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ANDREA MITCHELL IS A LOVELY,
LUCKY LADY.
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SPEAKING OF OLD MEN WHO ARE
LETTING IT ALL HANG OUT
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JOE BIDEN.
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TODAY IS HIS 79TH DAY IN OFFICE,
AND HE'S ALREADY DONE A BUNCH OF
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POPULAR THINGS.
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ONE QUARTER OF THE U.S.
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POPULATION IS FULLY VACCINATED,
HE'S SENT EVERYBODY A $1,400
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CHECK, AND SOON, HE'S GOING TO
ANNOUNCE "ONLY STUFF" OREOS.
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TODAY, JOJO KEPT HIS MOJO
WORKIN' AND ANNOUNCED SEVERAL
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EXECUTIVE ACTIONS TO TACKLE GUN
VIOLENCE, STARTING WITH CRACKING
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DOWN ON SO-CALLED GHOST GUNS,
WHICH ARE UNTRACEABLE KITS
[152]
CONTAINING ALL OF THE COMPONENTS
AND DIRECTIONS TO BUILD A GUN.
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THEY'RE REALLY CHEAP, BUT IN THE
END, YOU ALWAYS HAVE A FEW EXTRA
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TRIGGERS, AND IT WINDS UP
LOOKING LIKE THIS.
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BIDEN ALSO INTRODUCED A NEW RULE
THAT WOULD MAKE CLEAR THAT WHEN
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A DEVICE TRANSFORMS A PISTOL
INTO A SHORT-BARREL RIFLE, THAT
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WEAPON IS SUBJECT TO THE
REQUIREMENTS OF THE NATIONAL
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FIREARMS ACT.
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YEAH.
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YOU CAN'T ATTACH SOMETHING
BIGGER TO SOMETHING SMALLER AND
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STILL SAY IT'S THE SMALL THING.
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SAME WAY YOU CAN'T STRAP A
PELOTON TO THE TOP OF YOUR
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S.U.V. AND ENTER THE TOUR DE
FRANCE.
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RATS.
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BIDEN ALSO HAD A SUGGESTION FOR
THE STATES:
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>> I WANTED TO MAKE IT EASIER
FOR STATES TO ADOPT EXTREME RISK
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PROTECTION ORDER LAWS.
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THEY'RE ALSO CALLED RED FLAG
LAWS.
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THESE LAWS ALLOW POLICE OR A
FAMILY MEMBER TO PETITION A
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COURT IN THEIR JURISDICTION AND
SAY, "I WANT YOU TO TEMPORARILY
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REMOVE FROM THE FOLLOWING PEOPLE
ANY FIREARM THEY MAY POSSESS,
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BECAUSE THEY ARE A DANGER IN A
CRISIS.
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THEY ARE PRESENTING A DANGER TO
THEMSELVES AND TO OTHERS."
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>> STEPHEN: HEAR, HEAR!
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AND IN THAT SPIRIT I'D JUST LIKE
TO SAY, RED FLAG!
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BIDEN ALSO USED THE EVENT TO
ANNOUNCE HIS NOMINEE TO LEAD A
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BUREAU HE CAN'T ABBREVIATE:
>> FINALLY, THE BUREAU OF
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ALCOBAL--
OF ALCOHOL, TOBACCO AND
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FIREARMS, THE KEY AGENCY
ENFORCING GUN LAWS, HASN'T HAD A
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PERMANENT DIRECTOR SINCE 2015.
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TODAY, I'M PROUD TO NOMINATE
DAVID CHIPMAN TO SERVE AS
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DIRECTOR OF THE A.F.T.
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DAVID KNOWS THE A.F.T. WELL.
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>> STEPHEN: YEAH, HE KNOWS THE
A.F.T. SO WELL THAT HE KNOWS
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IT'S THE A.T.F.
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NOW, CHIPMAN IS A CONTROVERSIAL
CHOICE BECAUSE HE'S A GUN
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CONTROL ADVOCATE.
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UNLIKE THE LAST ADMINISTRATION'S
HEAD OF THE BUREAU OF ALCOHOL,
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TOBACCO, FIREARMS AND
EXPLOSIVES,
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HEAD OF THE A.T.F.:
DRUNK JOE CAMEL SHOOTING
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DYNAMITE OFF A FENCE.
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BIDEN'S ALSO GOT A PLAN FOR U.S.
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INFRASTRUCTURE THAT WOULD COVER
TRANSPORTATION, BROADBAND, THE
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ELECTRIC GRID AND HOUSING, FIX
20,000 MILES OF ROADS AND 10,000
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BRIDGES, AND ELIMINATE LEAD
PIPES FROM THE NATION'S WATER
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SUPPLIES.
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I'D SAY THEY'VE THROWN IN
EVERYTHING BUT THE KITCHEN SINK,
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BUT THE KITCHEN SINK HAS LEAD
PIPES, SO IT'S IN THERE!
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THIS BILL'S VERY POPULAR, SO
REPUBLICANS ARE DESPERATELY
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SEARCHING FOR A REASON TO OPPOSE
IT.
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ENTER TENNESSEE SENATOR AND
WOMAN STILL WAITING FOR HER
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PROM DATE 50 YEARS LATER
MARSHA BLACKBURN.
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BLACKBURN ATTACKED THE BILL ON
TWITTER, COMPLAINING, "JOE
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BIDEN'S PLAN IS ABOUT ANYTHING
BUT INFRASTRUCTURE.
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$400 BILLION FOR ELDER CARE."
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FIRST OF ALL, SENIORS ARE YOUR
VOTERS.
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SECOND OF ALL, WHAT IS SHE
TALKING ABOUT?
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SENIORS ARE INFRASTRUCTURE.
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THEY HOLD THE COLLECTIVE MEMORY
OF EVERY ROAD EVER BUILT.
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(AS SENIOR)
"DID YOU TAKE THE 480 BYPASS TO
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GET HERE TODAY?
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I REMEMBER BEFORE THEY BUILT
THAT, YOU HAD TO TAKE THE
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TWO-LANE TO CHESTER AND DOUBLE
BACK.
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YOU'D SPEND AN HOUR WAITING AT
THAT LIGHT OVER BY ROUTE 16.
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I SURE MISS OUR OLD NASH
RAMBLER.
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IT HAD A RUMBLE SEAT.
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WHO WANTS HOT FRUIT?"
THE INFRASTRUCTURE BILL IS
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POLLING EVEN HIGHER THAN THE
COVID BAILOUT BILL.
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BUT REPUBLICANS DON'T CARE
WHETHER SOMETHING'S POPULAR.
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CASE IN POINT, THEMSELVES.
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IN THE LATEST POLL, THE G.O.P.
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TRAILS DEMOCRATS IN PARTY
AFFILIATION 49% TO 40%, THE
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DEMOCRATS' LARGEST ADVANTAGE
SINCE THE FOURTH QUARTER OF
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2012.
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BACK THEN, THE DEMOCRATS WERE
RIDING HIGH, UNTIL BARACK OBAMA
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MADE THAT HISTORIC FOREIGN
POLICY BLUNDER AND WORE A
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TAN SUIT.
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AMERICA STILL HAS TROOPS
STATIONED IN THE MEN'S
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WEARHOUSE.
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BUT, THE G.O.P. HAS A PLAN TO
OVERCOME THE DEFICIT AT THE
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VOTING BOOTH:
KEEPING PEOPLE OUT OF THE
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VOTING BOOTH.
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GEORGIA JUST PASSED NEW VOTER
SUPPRESSION LAWS, THE MOST
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CONTROVERSIAL OF WHICH IS THE
ONE THAT MAKES IT A MISDEMEANOR
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TO GIVE FOOD OR WATER TO PEOPLE
STANDING IN LINE TO VOTE.
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YES, IT'S A CRIME TO GIVE PEOPLE
FOOD AND WATER.
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JUST LIKE IT SAYS IN THE OLD
GOSPEL SONG:
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♪ JESUS GAVE ME WATER.
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♪ JESUS GAVE ME WATER.
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♪ JESUS GAVE ME WATER.
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AND WE THREW HIM IN THE JAIL. ♪
>> STEPHEN: ONE OF AMERICA'S
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PREMIER VOTE SUPPRESSORS IS
GEORGIA GOVERNOR AND "HUNKA
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HUNKA BURNING CRAP," BRIAN KEMP.
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YESTERDAY, KEMP APPEARED ON
NEWSMAX AND HE GAVE ADVICE TO
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HUNGRY VOTERS, WHO WILL BE
FORCED TO WAIT IN LINE FOR
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HOURS:
>> THEY CAN ORDER A PIZZA.
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THEY CAN ORDER GRUBHUB OR UBER
EATS.
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>> STEPHEN: IT'S THAT KIND OF
CARE FOR THE PEOPLE THAT'S
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CAPTURED IN HIS CAMPAIGN SLOGAN:
"LET THEM ORDER CAKE."
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LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT:
SO, YOU CAN ORDER A PIZZA, BUT
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YOU'VE GOT TO EAT THE ENTIRE
THING, BECAUSE IF YOU SHARE IT
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WITH OTHER VOTERS IN LINE, YOU
COULD GO TO PRISON.
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OR WORSE, PAPA JOHN'S.
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WE'RE GETTING MORE DETAILS ABOUT
THE MOST WONDERFUL TERRIBLE
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STORY IN THE NEWS: THE FEDERAL
INVESTIGATION INTO FLORIDA
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REPRESENTATIVE MATT GAETZ, SEEN
HERE SAYING, "YOU MUST BE NO
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TALLER THAN THIS TO RIDE MATT
GAETZ."
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GAETZ IS CURRENTLY UNDER
INVESTIGATION FOR ALLEGEDLY
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HAVING AN ALLEGEDLY SEXUAL
ALLEGED RELATIONSHIP WITH A
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17-ALLEGED-YEAR-OLD.
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AND NOW, IT TURNS OUT, THAT MAY
NOT BE THE MOST ILLEGAL THING
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HE'S ALLEGEDLY DONE.
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I'LL GIVE YOU ALL THE DISTURBING
UPDATES IN OUR RECURRING
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SEGMENT:
"GAETZ-GAETE!"
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>> YO, YOU NEED A RIDE HOME FROM
SWIM PRACTICE?
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>> STEPHEN: WE JUST LEARNED THAT
FEDERAL INVESTIGATORS ARE NOW
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LOOKING INTO WHETHER A BAHAMAS
TRIP MATT GAETZ ALLEGEDLY TOOK
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IN LATE 2018 OR EARLY 2019
VIOLATED SEX TRAFFICKING LAWS.
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IT'S THE WORST CRIME HE COULD
HAVE COMMITTED IN THE BAHAMAS,
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SECOND ONLY TO THESE BEACH
BRAIDS.
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APPARENTLY, GAETZ WAS INVITED ON
THE TRIP BY MARIJUANA
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ENTREPRENEUR AND HAND SURGEON,
JASON PIROZZOLO.
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YES, MARIJUANA ENTREPRENEUR AND
HAND SURGEON, WHICH MEANS HE CAN
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CURE YOUR CARPAL TUNNEL AND TURN
YOUR THUMB INTO A BONG.
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GAETZ WENT TO THE BAHAMAS AS A
GUEST OF DR. POT HANDS, WHO
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ALLEGEDLY PAID FOR THE TRAVEL
EXPENSES, ACCOMMODATIONS, AND
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FEMALE ESCORTS.
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PROBABLY KIND OF CONFUSING TO
LAY THAT OUT.
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"MATT, THE LADIES ARE ON ME...
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BECAUSE I'M PAYING FOR THEM TO
BE ON YOU."
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GAETZ'S SPOKESPERSON RELEASED A
STATEMENT IN RESPONSE TO THE NEW
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ALLEGATIONS, SAYING,
"REPRESENTATIVE GAETZ HAS NEVER
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PAID FOR SEX, NOR HAS HE HAD SEX
WITH AN UNDERAGE GIRL."
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AT THIS POINT, GAETZ HAS SAID
THAT SO MANY TIMES, IT JUST
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AUTO-FILLS ON EVERY MESSAGE:
"REPRESENTATIVE GAETZ HAS NEVER
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HAD SEX WITH AN UNDERAGE GIRL...
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GRANDMA!"
I KNOW GAETZ IS FROM FLORIDA,
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BUT "BAHAMAS SEX TRAFFICKING
WITH A WEED-PEDDLING HAND
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SURGEON" IS ALMOST TOO FLORIDA,
EVEN FOR HIM.
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AT THIS POINT, IT FEELS LIKE
WE'RE JUST GENERATING HIS CRIMES
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AT RANDOM.
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TOMORROW, INVESTIGATORS WILL BE
LOOKING INTO MATT GAETZ'S TRIP
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TO... SIX FLAGS... BANGKOK, WITH
A... MOONSHINER... EAR, NOSE,
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AND THROAT MAN, TO... SMUGGLE...
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ENDANGERED... TEENAGE SNAKES.
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AND THINGS ARE ABOUT TO GET
WORSE FOR GAETZ, THANKS TO
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FORMER FLORIDA TAX COLLECTOR
JOEL GREENBERG, WHO GAETZ
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DESCRIBED AS A "WINGMAN."
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ACCORDING TO SOME SOURCES, THE
TWO SHARED MORE THAN ONE
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GIRLFRIEND.
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OR WHAT THE FRENCH CALL A
"MENAGE A..." (GAGS).
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FIRSTLY: EW.
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SECONDLY, "SHARING" IS NOT GOING
TO WIN GAETZ ANY FANS ON THE
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RIGHT.
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PROSTITUTION IS ONE THING, BUT
THAT'S SOCIALISM!
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GREENBERG IS IN FEDERAL CUSTODY
FACING 33 DIFFERENT COUNTS OF
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FINANCIAL AND SEX CRIMES.
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AND IT LOOKS LIKE GREENBERG WILL
BE PLEADING GUILTY, WHICH MEANS
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HE'LL PROBABLY COOPERATE AS A
KEY WITNESS AGAINST
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REPRESENTATIVE MATT GAETZ.
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GAETZ IS GOING TO GET SCREWED!
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AND AS USUAL, HE'S GOING TO HAVE
TO PAY FOR IT.
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NOTHING IS OFFICIAL YET, BUT
HERE'S GREENBERG'S OWN LAWYER
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OUTSIDE OF COURT TODAY.
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>> DOES MATT GAETZ HAVE ANYTHING
TO WORRY ABOUT?
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>> I AM SURE MATT GAETZ IS NOT
FEELING VERY COMFORTABLE TODAY.
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>> Stephen: OH, I BELIEVE MAT
GAETZ ISN'T FEELING COMFORTABLE
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TODAY, BECAUSE HE NEVER SEEMS
COMFORTABLE.
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THE MAN LOOKS LIKE A THUMB THAT
STEPPED ON SOME TEETH.
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WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
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MY GUEST IS HANK AZARIA.
[659]
AND LATER, A PERFORMANCE BY
THE BOYS FROM ROCKFORD, CHEAP
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TRICK.
[664]
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
"MEANWHILE!"
[666]
STICK AROUND!
[667]
♪♪♪
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