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First Debate Cold Open - SNL - YouTube
Channel: Saturday Night Live
[14]
[ Laughter ]
[15]
[ Stately music plays ]
[18]
[ Cheers and applause ]
[21]
-Good evening.
[24]
I'm your moderator --
Chris Wallace.
[26]
[ Cheers and applause ]
[30]
And I think I'm going to do a
really, really good job tonight.
[35]
First, I want to lay out
the rules,
[37]
which both parties
agreed to in advance.
[40]
Each candidate will have
2 minutes, uninterrupted...
[43]
-Boring.
[45]
-But, M-Mr. President,
[47]
I haven't even introduced
the candidates yet.
[49]
-Tell that to my Adderall,
Chris.
[51]
Now, let's get this show
on the road
[53]
and off the rails.
[54]
-And you did take the COVID test
[57]
you promised to take
in advance, correct?
[58]
-Absolutely, scout's honor.
[61]
-Well, President Trump
[63]
has already
introduced himself,
[65]
so let's now welcome
the Democratic candidate...
[67]
-Boo. Here comes the booing.
[69]
-...former vice president
of the United States...
[72]
-Allegedly.
-...and senator from Delaware...
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-Not even a real state.
-...Joe Biden.
[78]
[ Cheers and applause ]
[94]
Mr. Vice President --
-Just one second, Chris.
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Okay.
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-It looks like --
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It looks like
you're ready to debate, Joe.
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-Absolutely not.
[115]
I've got the beginning
of 46 thoughts.
[119]
Now, let's do this.
[121]
I'm holding my bladder.
Let's get at 'er.
[124]
-Tonight we'll be discussing
six major topics,
[127]
none of which anyone
will remember by tomorrow.
[131]
We begin with the Supreme Court.
[133]
President Trump, 2 minutes.
-I'm gonna do 10.
[137]
I'd like to begin
with a list of complaints.
[140]
People are mean to me.
Joe here is very mean.
[143]
Chris Wallace is mean.
The economy is mean
[146]
to keep losing jobs,
which is mean to me.
[149]
The China virus has been
very mean to me by being a hoax.
[154]
And that statement
will not come back
[155]
to haunt me later this week.
[157]
-And -- And what about
the question I asked you
[162]
about the Supreme Court?
[163]
-I think
I answered that already.
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We're very excited
about our nominee --
[168]
Amy Cristina Barcelona.
[170]
And it was so nice, so nice
to welcome her the other day
[174]
with open arms
and uncovered faces.
[178]
-Mr. Vice President,
same question.
[180]
You have 2 minutes.
[181]
-Thank you, Chris.
Now, look, here's the deal.
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-No, it's not.
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-Excuse me, please.
[188]
-No, whatever
you're gonna say, no.
[192]
-Mr. President,
please let him speak.
[194]
-He let you speak.
Now let him speak.
[196]
-But he's lying.
[197]
I can't point out
if he says a lie?
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-I-I said two words,
you son of a --
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No, don't do it, Joe.
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It's exactly what he wants.
[210]
Don't let your inner
Whitey Bulger come out.
[215]
Just flash them all that smile
[218]
they taught you
in anger management.
[222]
-Now, Mr. Vice President,
[224]
and only Mr. Vice President,
would you consider
[228]
adding additional justices
to the Supreme Court?
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-He won't even answer.
-I just asked the question!
[234]
-You won't even answer it,
just like he won't answer.
[236]
What about his son Hunter
and Burisma
[239]
and the mayor of Moscow?
[241]
And Obama was spying on me,
and he e-mailed Benghazi.
[245]
-Mr. -- Mr. President, no one
understands what you're saying.
[249]
You're just listing terms
you heard on Fox News.
[252]
And it sounds like you're saying
the names of characters
[254]
from season four of a show
that no one has watched.
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-Sheriff of Portland.
[259]
-Mr. Vice President,
please answer.
[264]
-Now, look, here's the deal.
-Can I respond to that, Chris?
[268]
-will you just shut up?
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Sorry.
[276]
I'm sorry, I misspoke.
[278]
What I meant to say was,
I'd appreciate it very much
[282]
if you could just allow me
to finish my responses,
[285]
as opposed to sabotaging
every waking moment
[288]
with the toxic geyser
or verbal diarrhea
[291]
that you cracked out,
[292]
turd-hurling sack
of rancid dog snot.
[302]
Losing control.
[305]
Back to you, Chris,
[308]
-You still have 2 minutes, Joe.
[310]
-Oh, really?
[318]
Where was I?
[320]
-You said,
"Look, here's the deal."
[322]
-Oh, right.
[ Clears throat ]
[324]
Look, here's the deal.
[328]
Nope, lost it.
[330]
Come back to me.
[332]
-Chris, can I say one thing?
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Am I allowed to say one thing?
[336]
-Yes, Mr. President.
[338]
-What we need in this country
is law and order.
[341]
When someone breaks the rules,
[343]
they need to face
the consequences, no exceptions.
[346]
-Okay, what about your taxes?
[348]
-There have to be exceptions,
Chris.
[351]
The terms "law and order,"
they're very vague terms,
[354]
and rules
are meant to be broken.
[355]
It's the same with masks.
[357]
I've got mine
right here in my pocket.
[359]
Okay? My mask. Alright?
[363]
It's like a seatbelt, though.
[365]
You just wear it when you're
backing out of the driveway,
[368]
then you take it off, okay?
[369]
But Joe wears
the biggest mask I've ever seen.
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And he's standing like
200 feet away from everybody.
[375]
Oh-oh.
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-Look, man, I'm a nice guy,
[380]
but if you give me
any more guff tonight,
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I'll rip your face off
like a mad chimp.
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I'll knock that thing
off your head and burn it,
[389]
bury it in the pet cemetery
where it came from.
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Stop it, Joe! Stop it!
[397]
God, you can't lose your cool
[399]
just 'cause this joker's raising
a little monkey dust.
[401]
The country's counting on ya
[404]
to just stand here
and look lucid.
[418]
I know it.
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I know what'll calm me down.
[422]
My new Harry Styles
meditation tape.
[426]
-We dip our toes
in cold, wet sand...
[430]
-Nice
-...and sit and face the sea.
[433]
-Cleansing.
[435]
-We let the waves
wash over us...
[437]
-Ah.
-...alone, just you and me.
[441]
-Hey.
-[ Clears throat ]
[443]
And I better listen to, uh,
my meditation tape, as well.
[449]
-Ladies and gentlemen!
[452]
Leaders and voters!
[454]
For freedom and liberty
and the American team!
[458]
The best is yet to come!
[461]
Aaaah!
[465]
-Alright, can we please
have a civilized dialog?
[468]
Debates are
a time-honored tradition
[470]
and the bedrock
of American democracy.
[473]
-You're gay.
[475]
-Mr. President, if you keep
interrupting this debate,
[477]
I'll do absolutely
nothing about it.
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-Okay, okay, I'll be quiet.
[481]
-[ Sighs ]
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I don't want to be dictated to,
[485]
and I'm not gonna be
distracted anymore
[487]
by this clown tonight.
[489]
Okay?
[491]
But I'm definitely
gonna concentrate.
[495]
I'm gonna try to keep my cool.
[497]
What -- What is that?
Where is that coming from?
[499]
Get down!
[505]
-Mr. President, please,
stop using a laser pointer.
[508]
-It's not, it's not.
[509]
This is a wand
the cures the COVID, okay?
[513]
-Boys, boys, boys, boys,
boys, boys, boys.
[518]
[ Scoffs ]
[523]
The both of you,
this stops right now.
[527]
Alright?
You look at me, Donald.
[530]
You do not treat my Joe
like that, alright?
[534]
He's a nice boy.
[536]
-Kamala, I got this.
[538]
-Unh-unh, Joe.
[539]
Let Mamala go to work.
[542]
Now, Donald...
[544]
I want you to apologize to Joe.
[547]
-He started it.
-Hey! Hey!
[550]
I don't care who started it.
Alright?
[552]
I don't even care
who sharted it.
[554]
Now, you apologize to Joe now.
[558]
-Sorry.
-I'm sorry, what's that?
[559]
-I said "sorry."
Okay, are you happy now?
[563]
-I think if there's one thing
we learned tonight,
[566]
it's that America needs a WAP --
woman as president.
[581]
But for now, I'll settle
for HVPIC --
[584]
hot vice president in charge.
[588]
So, why don't the two of you
finish this debate,
[590]
or whatever the hell this is,
with some dignity.
[593]
And when you're done,
I've got you boys
[594]
some PB&J and apple slices
waiting for you backstage.
[597]
-Yummy!
[598]
-Thank you, Senator Harris.
[600]
-Oh, I am not done with you,
Christopher Wallace.
[603]
You will see me in my office
after the debate.
[607]
Now, where the hell
is my martini?
[609]
-Oh, uh...
[613]
Finally, just to ensure
[616]
that this is the worst
presidential debate in history,
[619]
I'd like to close
with white supremacy.
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-Oh, baby, come to papa.
[624]
-Mr President,
I'll ask you directly,
[628]
do you condemn
white supremacists?
[630]
-Condemn them?
I don't know any.
[632]
I mean, who
are you even talking about?
[634]
The Proud Boys, the White Boot,
the Eugenics Eagles?
[638]
I don't even know
any of these groups.
[640]
I certainly wouldn't even know
how to signal them if I tried.
[646]
-America,
are you listening to this.
[649]
The president
of the United States
[651]
is literally blowing
a dog whistle.
[655]
-I don't think
this thing is working.
[657]
I don't hear anything.
[658]
-Mr. Vice President,
your closing statement?
[661]
-[ Sighs ] Well --
[663]
-That is so unfair.
[664]
Why don't I get to make
a closing statement first?
[666]
After all, I am the pres--
[682]
-Sorry, but I think
[684]
we all needed a break.
[686]
Isn't that satisfying
[688]
[Sighs]
[690]
just not to hear his voice
[692]
for a single goddamn second?
[699]
Let's wallow in it.
[701]
Let's bask in the Trumplessness.
[704]
Now, Chris, could I speak
directly
[708]
to the American people?
[711]
-Is it gonna be weird?
-Totally.
[714]
Totally weird.
[717]
America...
[ Soft music plays ]
[719]
...look at me.
[721]
Look directly into my eyeballs.
[725]
You can trust me
[728]
because I believe in science
[731]
and karma.
[733]
Now, just imagine
[735]
if science and karma
could somehow team up...
[744]
...to send us all a message
[746]
about how dangerous
this virus can be.
[757]
I'm not saying
I want it to happen.
[761]
But just imagine if it did.
[769]
Mmm.
[771]
Mmm.
[774]
Hmm.
[778]
So, this November,
please get on the Biden train,
[782]
which is literally
a commuter train to Delaware,
[786]
and we can all make America
not actively on fire again.
[792]
Okay...
[795]
now I'll unpause him.
[797]
-...antifa.
-Nope, can't do it.
[800]
Gonna leave him on pause.
[803]
Oh, and one more thing.
[805]
-Live from New York,
it's "Saturday Night"!
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