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New Sanctions Punish Russia For War Crimes | Zuckerberg's Pals At Work Call Him "Sauron" - YouTube
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WELCOME, WELCOME, ONE AND ALL,
UP HERE, DOWN THERE, ALL AROUND,
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WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE
LATE SHOW"."
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I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
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FOLKS, IF YOU'VE BEEN PAYING
ATTENTION TO THE NEWS THIS WEEK,
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I'M SO SORRY, BECAUSE THERE IS
NOW A MOUNTAIN OF EVIDENCE THAT
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RUSSIA HAS ENGAGED IN A SERIES
OF BRUTAL WAR CRIMES.
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SO, IN RESPONSE, TODAY, THE U.S.
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ANNOUNCED NEW SANCTIONS ON
RUSSIAN FINANCIAL INSTITUTIONS
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AND INDIVIDUALS.
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GOOD!
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I HOPE IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE.
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BUT AT THIS POINT, THERE ARE SO
MANY SANCTIONS ON RUSSIA, WE
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MIGHT RUN OUT OF PLACES TO PUT
THEM.
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WE'LL HAVE TO START SANCTIONING
THEM IN THE MULTIVERSE.
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<i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE TO BLOCK
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TRANSACTIONS WITH RUSSIAN BANKS
IN THE DIMENSION WHERE
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SPIDER-MAN IS TOBEY MAGUIRE.
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<i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THE LATEST PACKAGE WILL, AMONGST
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OTHER THINGS, BAN ALL NEW
INVESTMENT IN RUSSIA.
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WELL, YOU GOT TO.
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OTHERWISE, THEIR SOARING
ECONOMY IS AN IRRESISTIBLE CASH
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MAGNET.
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<i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i>
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BEFORE THE WAR STARTED--
BEFORE--
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<i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
BEFORE THE WAR STARTED, I WAS
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READY TO PUT ALL MY MONEY INTO
THEIR HOT NEW RIDE-SHARING
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APP, TUBER.
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<i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i>
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YES, TUBER.
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YOU KNOW THEIR MOTTO:
"IS POTATO."
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IN ADDITION, THE ADMINISTRATION
HAS IMPOSED WHAT'S KNOWN AS
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"FULL BLOCKING SANCTIONS"
ON RUSSIA'S LARGEST PRIVATE
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BANK, ALFA BANK, AND ITS
LARGEST FINANCIAL INSTITUTION,
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SBERBANK.
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THAT'S "SBERBANK," AND NOT, AS I
ORIGINALLY READ IT,
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"SPERM-BANK," WHICH IS THE ONE
BANK WHERE YOU WANT YOUR ASSETS
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FROZEN.
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THE PACKAGE--<i>
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
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SPERM BANK.
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THERE YOU GO.
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THE PACKAGE ALSO INCLUDES
SANCTIONS ON VLADIMIR PUTIN'S
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ADULT CHILDREN.
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HE HAS ACKNOWLEDGED TWO
DAUGHTERS.
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AND THAT'S JUST WHAT EVERY CHILD
WANTS TO HEAR.
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"I LOVE YOU, DADDY!"
"I ACKNOWLEDGE YOU, TOO."
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<i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
SPEAKING OF OUT-OF-CONTROL
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BILLIONAIRES, TESLA C.E.O. AND
STAR OF "DOUCHE CASSIDY AND
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THE CRYPTO KID," ELON MUSK.
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AFTER YEARS OF TWEETING SILLY
MEMES AND BAD TAKES, WHILE AT
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THE SAME TIME CONSTANTLY
CRITICIZING TWITTER'S BUSINESS
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PRACTICES, THIS WEEK, MUSK
BOUGHT A 9.2% STAKE IN TWITTER,
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MAKING HIM THE LARGEST
SHAREHOLDER.
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WAIT A SECOND!
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SO, IF HE DOESN'T LIKE HOW A
CORPORATION OPERATES, HE JUST
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BUYS IT?
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HOW MUCH MORE EVIDENCE DO WE
NEED THAT HE'S TURNING INTO A
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SUPER VILLAIN:
"WHAT?
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GUAC IS EXTRA?
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THEN THIS CHIPOTLE IS NOW MINE!
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MWAHAHAH!
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MWAHAHAH!
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WOOO!
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AAAH!
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NOW, WHERE DO I GET MY FREE
REFILL?
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MUSK'S INVESTMENT IMMEDIATELY
CAUSED A SPIKE IN THE COMPANY'S
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STOCK PRICE.
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IN FACT, MUSK HAS ALREADY MADE
$800 MILLION ON HIS TWITTER
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INVESTMENT.
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$800 MILLION IS THE MOST MONEY
EVER MADE OFF TWITTER WITHOUT
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SELLING PICTURES OF YOUR
FEET.
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<i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
BY THE WAY, I GIVE GREAT BUNION.
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MAYBE YOU LIKE A LITTLE
HAMMERTOE?
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<i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
ONE OF MUSK'S FIRST TWEETS AFTER
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HIS SPENDING SPREE WAS A POLL
ASKING, "DO YOU WANT AN EDIT
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BUTTON?"
SURE!
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I MEAN, I'D RATHER YOU CANCEL
THE ACCOUNTS OF ALL THE NAZIS,
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BUT AN EDIT BUTTON WOULD BE
NICE.
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<i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i>
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TWITTER RESPONDED--<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i>
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TWITTER RESPONDED, NOT
SURPRISINGLY, WITH A TWEET:
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"WE'VE BEEN WORKING ON THE EDIT
FEATURE SINCE LAST YEAR,"
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ADDING, "NO, WE DIDN'T GET THE
IDEA FROM A POLL, WINK EMOJI."
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OKAY, I BELIEVED YOU UNTIL THE
WINK EMOJI.
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WINK EMOJIS DON'T LEND CREDENCE
TO ANY STATEMENT.
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NO ONE'S GOING TO DEPOSIT MONEY
IN A BANK THAT SAYS, "WE PROMISE
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NOT TO BLOW YOUR LIFE SAVINGS ON
COCAINE AND HOOKERS.
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WINK!"<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i>
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<i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
IN OTHER-- IN OTHER-- COCAINE
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AND HOOKERS!
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I'M AGAINST IT.
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I'M AGAINST IT.
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IN OTHE MUSKY NEWS, RECENTLY,
ELON WAS IN BERLIN FOR THE
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OPENING OF HIS NEW TESLA
GIGAFACTORY.
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AND AFTERWARDS, HE DECIDED TO
CELEBRATE WITH A VISIT TO THE
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CITY'S MOST NOTORIOUS TECHNO
SEX CLUB CALLED THE KITKAT CLUB.
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OKAY, BUT GIVE HIM A BREAK.
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GIVE HIM A BREAK.
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♪ BREAK HIM OFF A PIECE OF THAT
HOT SEX CLUB ♪
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NOW--<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i>
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<i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
♪ ♪ ♪
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NO ONE KNOWS WHAT MUSK WORE, BUT
THE KITKAT CLUB'S DRESS CODE
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INCLUDES LEATHER, LATEX,
LINGERIE, FANCY DRESS, SWIMMING
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GEAR, SUPERHERO OUTFITS, OR
COMPLETE NUDITY.
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THAT IS A DARING MIX.
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NOTHING SAYS SEXY LIKE A NAKED
BATMAN WEARING RUBBER GLOVES AND
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A SNORKEL.
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<i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i>
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SNORKEL COMES IN HANDY.
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YOU'RE GOING TO WANT THE
SNORKEL, OR ONE OF THOSE NOSE
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CLIPS.
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THE KITKAT CLUB WAS JUST THE
FIRST STOP FOR WHAT SOME ARE
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CALLING "A SEX CLUB CRAWL."
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PRO TIP: DO NOT CRAWL THROUGH A
SEX CLUB.
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<i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i>
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THAT'S NOT SPILLED BEER.
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<i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
I'M SAYING DON'T DO IT!
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THIS IS-- THIS IS A HANDY TIP!
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TRUST-- GO AHEAD, CRAWL.
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DO WHAT YOU WANT.
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MUSK'S TOUR WAS CUT SHORT AT THE
FAMOUSLY EXCLUSIVE BERLIN
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NIGHTCLUB BERGHAIN, PROMPTING
SPECULATION THAT HE HAD BEEN
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DENIED ENTRY.
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OH, YOU'RE KIDDING!
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I DON'T CARE HOW EXCLUSIVE
BERGHAIN MAY BE!
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WHAT CLUB WOULDN'T WANT THIS ON
THEIR DANCE FLOOR?
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LADIES, LADIES, THAT'S ALSO HOW
HE MAKES LOVE.
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<i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i>
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"DO YOU LIKE THIS, BABY?
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YOU LIKE THIS?
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I JUST BOUGHT 10% OF TWITTER."
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I CAN DO THIS ALL NIGHT LONG.
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<i> ( APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER )</i>
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RICHEST MAN WHO'S EVER LIVED!
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CONTINUING WITH TONIGHT'S
BILLIONAIRE THEME, THERE'S NEWS
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ABOUT FACEBOOK FOUNDER, MARK
ZUCKERBERG, SEEN HERE UNABLE TO
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IDENTIFY THE PICTURES THAT
CONTAIN STOP SIGNS.
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<i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
HE WAS INTERVIEWED RECENTLY AND
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HAD AN INTERESTING ANECDOTE
ABOUT HOW BELOVED HE IS AT WORK:
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>> SOME OF THE FOLKS WHO I WORK
WITH AT THE COMPANY, THEY SAY
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THIS LOVINGLY, BUT I THINK THAT
THEY SOMETIMES REFER TO MY
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ATTENTION AS "THE EYE OF
SAURON."
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>> Stephen: YES, SURE.
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THEY'RE COMPARING YOU TO THE
DARK LORD SAURON...
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LOVINGLY.
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"THE GUYS AT THE OFFICE ADORE
ME!
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THEY CALL ME EVIL INCARNATE.
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EL DIABLO.
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JARED FROM SUBWAY.
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GET THIS: THEY SOMETIMES-- THIS
IS HOW AFFECTIONATE-- SOMETIMES
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THEY EVEN PUT THE
PICTURE OF MY FACE ON THEIR
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DARTBOARD.
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AND WHENEVER THEY USE THE
BATHROOM, THY CALL IT 'LEAVING
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MY MARK.'"
>> Jon: OH, MY GOSH!
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>> Stephen: HE'S GOING TO
DESTROY DEMOCRACY!
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IN STATE GOVERNMENT NEWS,
TENNESSEE HAS INTRODUCED A BILL
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THAT WOULD ELIMINATE AGE
REQUIREMENTS FOR MARRIAGE.
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THIS BILL IS BEING SPONSORED BY
REPUBLICAN REPRESENTATIVE AND
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MAN WHOSE PORN NAME IS HIS
ACTUAL NAME...
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<i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
TOM LEATHERWOOD.
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THAT'S WHY YOU GOTTA USE
SUNSCREEN.
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<i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i>
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I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE SHOOTING
OUTSIDE.
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<i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
IF HIS BILL GOES INTO EFFECT,
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TENNESSEANS OF ANY AGE COULD BE
COMMON LAW MARRIED, WHICH IS
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EXTRA WILD CONSIDERING THAT,
UNDER CURRENT TENNESSEE LAW,
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IT'S ALREADY LEGAL TO GET
MARRIED AS YOUNG AS 17.
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OKAY, THAT'S TOO YOUNG TO GET
MARRIED!
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ITS , TOO YOUNG TO VOTE, RENT A
CAR, AND TOO YOUNG TO-- AND THIS
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IS TRUE-- OPERATE A DELI SLICER
AT A GROCERY STORE.
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CALL ME OLD-FASHIONED, BUT I
SAY, NO MATRIMONY TILL YOU SLICE
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BALONEY.
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<i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i>
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AND HERE-- OH, OH!
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>> Jon: YOU GOT TO SLICE THAT
BALONEY.
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SLICE IT GOOD.
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>> Stephen: THIN, LIKE IT
THIN, BABY.
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THERE YOU GO.
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♪ ♪ ♪
BUT HERE'S THE KICKER: CHILD
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MARRIAGE WASN'T THE PURPOSE OF
THIS BILL.
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THE REAL GOAL WAS TO ESTABLISH
COMMON LAW MARRIAGES IN THE
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STATE AS BEING BETWEEN "ONE MAN
AND ONE WOMAN."
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UGH, DON'T YOU HATE WHEN YOU'RE
TRYING TO WRITE A HOMOPHOBIC
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BILL AND ALL PEOPLE FOCUS ON IS
HOW YOU ACCIDENTALLY LEGALIZED
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BABY WEDDINGS?
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<i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
COVID'S MAKING A LITTLE COMEBACK
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THESE DAYS, AND SO IS THE COVID
CRAY-CRAY, BECAUSE RIGHT-WING
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ACTIVISTS HAVE LAUNCHED AN
AMATEUR GRAND JURY TO VOTE ON
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WHETHER TO INDICT DR. ANTHONY
FAUCI.
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OKAY, I WANT TO POINT OUT THAT
ALL JURIES ARE AMATEUR.
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IT'S TOUGH TO GO PRO ON $23
A DAY.
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THIS AMATEUR GRAND JURY IS A
LIVE-STREAMED EVENT LATER THIS
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MONTH THAT'S BEING BILLED AS
THE FAIR AND BALANCED WAY TO
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DECIDE IF ANTHONY FAUCI SHOULD
BE INDICTED.
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WHY?
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QUOTE, "THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN,
AND HERE'S THE PROOF," FOLLOWED
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BY JUST THE WORDS
"VIDEO, EVIDENCE, DOCUMENTS."
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OH, MY GOD, ALL THREE COURT
WORDS?
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FAUCI'S IN REALY TROUBLE!
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"YOUR HONOR, LAWYER.
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EXHIBIT A: PROOF!
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EVIDENCE: DOCUMENT.
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ALL RISE!
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CASE CLOSED.
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IF IT PLEASE THE COURT, MAY I
APPROACH THE BAILIFF?
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YOU WANNA BUY SOME WEED?"<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i>
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SO-- JUST SAYING.
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IT'S AN AMATEUR JURY.
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WILL THEY AMATEUR ARREST ME?
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SO WHO ARE THESE GRAND JURORS?
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WHY, IT COULD BE YOU!
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FOR AS LITTLE AS $25 AND AS MUCH
AS $10,000 TO BE A V.I.P. JUROR.
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IT'S PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHO'S
EVER THOUGHT, "I HATE JURY DUTY,
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BUT WHAT IF IT COST 10 GRAND?
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WOULD I LIKE IT THEN?"<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i>
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NOW, THERE IS ONE SMALL THING--<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i>
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THERE IS ONE SMALL THING TO KEEP
IN MIND BEFORE YOU PAY UP AND
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BRING JUSTICE TO DR. FAUCI
FOR CRIMES OF DOING SCIENCE.
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ON ITS WEBSITE IN FAIRLY SMALL
FONT, THEY CLARIFY THAT
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AMERICA'S GRAND JURY IS A MOCK
GRAND JURY.
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IT HAS NO LEGAL AUTHORITY.
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ANTIVAXXERS LOVE IT, BUT IT
DOESN'T DO ANYTHING.
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IT'S THE HYDROXYCHLORIQUINE OF
JUSTICE!
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<i> ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
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BUT-- BUT-- TURNS OUT IT DOESN'T
DO ANYTHING.
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TURNS OUT IT DOESN'T--
>> DOESN'T DO NOTHING.
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>> Stephen: BUT IT'S STILL WORTH
THE MONEY.
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BECAUSE AT THE $2,500 JUROR
LEVEL, YOU GET ONE-NIGHT ACCESS
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TO MINGLE WITH ANTI-VACCINE
CELEBS IN THE GRAND JURY'S GREEN
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ROOM.
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YES, ALL THE HOTTEST
ANTI-VACCINE CELEBS!
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WE'RE TALKING ABOUT UNCLE BILL,
SUE THE BORAX GAL, AND OF
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COURSE, NIKKI MINAJ'S COUSIN'S
FRIEND'S GIANT BALLS.
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WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
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MY GUEST IS ANDERSON COOPER. BUT
WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE"!
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JOIN US, WON'T YOU?
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