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Dating advice for Lex Fridman - YouTube
Channel: Lex Clips
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what do you think about the whole dating
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modern dating process how do you find a
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partner that you can um
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stay with for the rest of your life so
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we are absolutely doing it wrong and but
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there is a way you can do it and I am
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such a fan of this psychologist Thai
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tashiro I adore him he is brilliant he's
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lovely he's also very humble
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just a wonderful soul to the earth guy
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I'm going to tell you a very true story
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here okay it was in a bad relationship
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and I was
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um at a psychology conference with my
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partner at the time
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um we were both at this conference and
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we were sitting in a lecture hall uh
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there for Tai tashiro to do his talk
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that day on his phenomenal research on
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relationship satisfaction and dating
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um and I was sitting next to him and
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we'd been you know it was just always
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unpleasant on trips there were always
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fights we're sitting there and Thai
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tashiro starts talking about his
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research and how he found that most
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people are you know signing this
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agreement getting married and doing it
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based on the love endorphins and really
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only about 35 percent of anybody who's
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married is actually happy
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um and he said so then
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you know and exactly but here's what I
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love about Tai tashiro is he didn't stop
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there he wanted to know what those
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people who were happy
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um had in common
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and then same thing with the people who
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were unhappy he found a couple
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fascinating patterns
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so the couples who were happy
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tended to rate their Partners higher in
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three different traits and I love
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talking about this because if you are
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somebody who can follow instructions you
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can find this I mean very easily those
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three traits tend to be
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conscientiousness
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okay and I love the word
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conscientiousness because it's not just
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kindness kindness is a good way to think
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of it but
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you can be kind and kind of be a
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pushover and that's not attractive
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conscientiousness is smart attentive
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it's somebody who reads into a text
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message and thinks wow she was making
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herself very vulnerable there
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that's conscientiousness I like how you
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just threw an accomplishment it's true
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it's a certain intelligence awareness
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and Attunement yeah and then on top of
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that conscientiousness is motivated so
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you can't be on your ass all day and be
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conscientious because then you can't
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meet the needs that you anticipate about
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the person so conscientious is that guy
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who drives the car around in the
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rainstorm so his wife's hair doesn't get
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met it's my husband who checks my alarm
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for me every morning because he knows
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I'm terrible at time management and he
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makes sure that I set it a reasonable
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amount of time before my first meeting
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and not let 20 minutes I think I need
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and then he'll come wake me up with a
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cup of coffee that is Ultimate
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conscientiousness
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and it is true I mean I will tell you as
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somebody who's with a conscientious
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partner Your Love increases over time as
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you continue to feel grateful and
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admiring of that person
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the second one
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you want somebody who is low in a Big
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Five personality trait called
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neuroticism you want somebody
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emotionally stable in a way now this
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doesn't mean you can't I'm somebody who
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doesn't get the blues or struggle with
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mental health issues trust me Ty is with
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somebody who you know I get I'm all over
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the place but
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you want somebody who kind of owns their
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and isn't going to just
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be emotionally unstable all over you
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know you want somebody who is generally
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happy and has some life satisfaction
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um having a partner who has serious not
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mental health issues but unmitigated
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emotional distress and instability is
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really hard on the partner and it's
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really hard on other family members
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including children if you have children
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so it's just a predictor of Happiness so
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there's a certain threshold of chaos
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that if you exceed it it's going to be
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destructive to a long-term relationship
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a perfect description but then yeah
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chaos not the mystery chaos 11 with your
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little Pro poet brain yeah I'm talking
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more like just somebody who there's just
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no peace there's no peace there's a
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problem with everything everything
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becomes more difficult going to a party
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is a chore you don't know if they're
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gonna have a meltdown at the party or
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how many complaints about your friends
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or
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um everything is a problem so you want
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somebody who has just some resiliency I
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think is a good term for it some
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flexibility some spice is okay but not
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too much like right flexibility
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resiliency easy going yeah Okay the
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third is
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um really interesting I think so he
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found that
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having a partner with sort of moderate
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adventurousness not high adventurousness
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actually leads to greater greater
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satisfaction and the reason for that is
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high adventurousness equals novelty
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seeking shiny new things and so if
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you're in a monogamous relationship if
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that is what's important to you it's
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going to be very hard for a partner who
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is novelty seeking to be faithful
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um so that will cause a lot of pain but
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also novelty seeking people tend to
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always have new projects new interesting
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things and so their attention is drawn
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away from the relationship and so you
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can just feel pretty neglected or
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unimportant
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by a little bit but you want a little
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bit of adventurousness so you want your
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person to be uh sort of self-motivated
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uh individuated have their own interests
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not completely dependent on you but also
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I mean low adventurousness is not a bad
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thing ultimately what you're getting
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with low to moderate adventurousness is
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that rock that feeling of stability that
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home and I made some references earlier
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like when you're 70 and you turn to your
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partner do you want them to be hot or
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you know for instance my dad has
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dementia right now and my husband turned
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to me on the plane we were all coming
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back from a trip and where we really saw
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how severe it's getting
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and uh he just turned to me he knew how
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much pain I was in even though I might
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wasn't showing it and he said I want you
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to know that if it comes to a point
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where we need to take care of your dad
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he needs to live with us you don't even
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need to ask it is I am 100 on board and
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will help and uh those are the things
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that matter that home feeling and
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technically that's a trait that's
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usually that's sort of a
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my husband caring so much about family
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and home and taking care of things that
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matter those are things that tend to be
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associated with that low to moderate
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adventurousness somebody who really
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cares about simple things and family I
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wonder if those things those those three
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things that something you can work on
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you know conscientiousness you can
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probably you can
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proactively observe yourself
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and uh you know do it more regularly
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right neuroticism might be the hardest
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one probably I think so well I mean I
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I was pretty neurotic in my early 20s
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and when you wake up to it maybe you if
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you're self-aware about it maybe you'll
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be able to control it yeah I think
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self-awareness is key that I think I
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think that's why I love therapy so much
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I think life is about growth and our
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potential for growth and to make our own
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lives better to make the lives of others
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better to serve others to heal all of us
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for this Collective healing and I think
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we're all capable of growth and the same
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with adventurousness you can I'm
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somebody that's pretty I'm pretty low an
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adventure but I keep throwing myself out
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there just for the extra adventures and
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you can grow in that way yes and I am
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high in adventurousness and I was not
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really ready to settle down I was
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married earlier in my 20s but I would
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say that I am much more prepared to be
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in a committed long-term relationship
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now in my 40s than I was when I was
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younger but in that same way for me I
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like to connect myself to high adventure
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people so that it like brings me brings
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me out it's like uh they're a horse and
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I'm get to ride them and that's the
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thing so high adventure people are
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attractive they're interesting exciting
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but it can be a world of heartbreak
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because you know you're only under that
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Spotlight for a few minutes and then
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they're on to the next shiny thing yeah
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but heartbreak is part of love but that
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might be the drug thing that you were
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talking about
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