Dating advice for Lex Fridman - YouTube

Channel: Lex Clips

what do you think about the whole dating
modern dating process how do you find a
partner that you can um
stay with for the rest of your life so
we are absolutely doing it wrong and but
there is a way you can do it and I am
such a fan of this psychologist Thai
tashiro I adore him he is brilliant he's
lovely he's also very humble
just a wonderful soul to the earth guy
I'm going to tell you a very true story
here okay it was in a bad relationship
and I was
um at a psychology conference with my
partner at the time
um we were both at this conference and
we were sitting in a lecture hall uh
there for Tai tashiro to do his talk
that day on his phenomenal research on
relationship satisfaction and dating
um and I was sitting next to him and
we'd been you know it was just always
unpleasant on trips there were always
fights we're sitting there and Thai
tashiro starts talking about his
research and how he found that most
people are you know signing this
agreement getting married and doing it
based on the love endorphins and really
only about 35 percent of anybody who's
married is actually happy
um and he said so then
you know and exactly but here's what I
love about Tai tashiro is he didn't stop
there he wanted to know what those
people who were happy
um had in common
and then same thing with the people who
were unhappy he found a couple
fascinating patterns
so the couples who were happy
tended to rate their Partners higher in
three different traits and I love
talking about this because if you are
somebody who can follow instructions you
can find this I mean very easily those
three traits tend to be
okay and I love the word
conscientiousness because it's not just
kindness kindness is a good way to think
of it but
you can be kind and kind of be a
pushover and that's not attractive
conscientiousness is smart attentive
it's somebody who reads into a text
message and thinks wow she was making
herself very vulnerable there
that's conscientiousness I like how you
just threw an accomplishment it's true
it's a certain intelligence awareness
and Attunement yeah and then on top of
that conscientiousness is motivated so
you can't be on your ass all day and be
conscientious because then you can't
meet the needs that you anticipate about
the person so conscientious is that guy
who drives the car around in the
rainstorm so his wife's hair doesn't get
met it's my husband who checks my alarm
for me every morning because he knows
I'm terrible at time management and he
makes sure that I set it a reasonable
amount of time before my first meeting
and not let 20 minutes I think I need
and then he'll come wake me up with a
cup of coffee that is Ultimate
and it is true I mean I will tell you as
somebody who's with a conscientious
partner Your Love increases over time as
you continue to feel grateful and
admiring of that person
the second one
you want somebody who is low in a Big
Five personality trait called
neuroticism you want somebody
emotionally stable in a way now this
doesn't mean you can't I'm somebody who
doesn't get the blues or struggle with
mental health issues trust me Ty is with
somebody who you know I get I'm all over
the place but
you want somebody who kind of owns their
and isn't going to just
be emotionally unstable all over you
know you want somebody who is generally
happy and has some life satisfaction
um having a partner who has serious not
mental health issues but unmitigated
emotional distress and instability is
really hard on the partner and it's
really hard on other family members
including children if you have children
so it's just a predictor of Happiness so
there's a certain threshold of chaos
that if you exceed it it's going to be
destructive to a long-term relationship
a perfect description but then yeah
chaos not the mystery chaos 11 with your
little Pro poet brain yeah I'm talking
more like just somebody who there's just
no peace there's no peace there's a
problem with everything everything
becomes more difficult going to a party
is a chore you don't know if they're
gonna have a meltdown at the party or
how many complaints about your friends
um everything is a problem so you want
somebody who has just some resiliency I
think is a good term for it some
flexibility some spice is okay but not
too much like right flexibility
resiliency easy going yeah Okay the
third is
um really interesting I think so he
found that
having a partner with sort of moderate
adventurousness not high adventurousness
actually leads to greater greater
satisfaction and the reason for that is
high adventurousness equals novelty
seeking shiny new things and so if
you're in a monogamous relationship if
that is what's important to you it's
going to be very hard for a partner who
is novelty seeking to be faithful
um so that will cause a lot of pain but
also novelty seeking people tend to
always have new projects new interesting
things and so their attention is drawn
away from the relationship and so you
can just feel pretty neglected or
by a little bit but you want a little
bit of adventurousness so you want your
person to be uh sort of self-motivated
uh individuated have their own interests
not completely dependent on you but also
I mean low adventurousness is not a bad
thing ultimately what you're getting
with low to moderate adventurousness is
that rock that feeling of stability that
home and I made some references earlier
like when you're 70 and you turn to your
partner do you want them to be hot or
you know for instance my dad has
dementia right now and my husband turned
to me on the plane we were all coming
back from a trip and where we really saw
how severe it's getting
and uh he just turned to me he knew how
much pain I was in even though I might
wasn't showing it and he said I want you
to know that if it comes to a point
where we need to take care of your dad
he needs to live with us you don't even
need to ask it is I am 100 on board and
will help and uh those are the things
that matter that home feeling and
technically that's a trait that's
usually that's sort of a
my husband caring so much about family
and home and taking care of things that
matter those are things that tend to be
associated with that low to moderate
adventurousness somebody who really
cares about simple things and family I
wonder if those things those those three
things that something you can work on
you know conscientiousness you can
probably you can
proactively observe yourself
and uh you know do it more regularly
right neuroticism might be the hardest
one probably I think so well I mean I
I was pretty neurotic in my early 20s
and when you wake up to it maybe you if
you're self-aware about it maybe you'll
be able to control it yeah I think
self-awareness is key that I think I
think that's why I love therapy so much
I think life is about growth and our
potential for growth and to make our own
lives better to make the lives of others
better to serve others to heal all of us
for this Collective healing and I think
we're all capable of growth and the same
with adventurousness you can I'm
somebody that's pretty I'm pretty low an
adventure but I keep throwing myself out
there just for the extra adventures and
you can grow in that way yes and I am
high in adventurousness and I was not
really ready to settle down I was
married earlier in my 20s but I would
say that I am much more prepared to be
in a committed long-term relationship
now in my 40s than I was when I was
younger but in that same way for me I
like to connect myself to high adventure
people so that it like brings me brings
me out it's like uh they're a horse and
I'm get to ride them and that's the
thing so high adventure people are
attractive they're interesting exciting
but it can be a world of heartbreak
because you know you're only under that
Spotlight for a few minutes and then
they're on to the next shiny thing yeah
but heartbreak is part of love but that
might be the drug thing that you were
talking about