Tariff Man May Have Spoken Too Soon - YouTube

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

I AM STEPHEN COLBERT.

YOU KNOW HOW TRUMP KEEPS SAYING HE'S GOING TO MAKE AMERICA GREAT

AGAIN?

TURNS OUT "GREAT" MIGHT BE SHORT FOR "GREAT DEPRESSION," BECAUSE

TODAY THE DOW DROPPED 799 POINTS.

AT LEAST IT WASN'T 800.

WHEW.

<i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> PHA-PHA-SHEW!

HERE'S THE THING: IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN TRUMP'S FAULT, BECAUSE IT

WAS.

ON SUNDAY, HE ANNOUNCED, HE TWEETED OUT HE HAD THIS GREAT

NEW TRADE DEAL WITH CHINA, TWEETING:

&quot;CHINA HAS AGREED TO REDUCE AND REMOVE TARIFFS ON CARS COMING

INTO CHINA FROM THE U.S.

CURRENTLY, THE TARIFF IS 40%.&quot;

GREAT NEWS.

THAT'S GREAT NEWS, OKAY.

BECAUSE SOON, DRIVERS IN CHINA COULD BE RIDING AROUND IN A JEEP

GRAND CHEROKEE INSTEAD OF THE CHINESE KNOCKOFF, THE &quot;JORP GRIN

CHICADEE.&quot;

<i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> NOW, HERE'S THE THING-- WHEN HE

TWEETED THAT OUT-- TARIFF GONE, THE DOWELLINGS OVER AT THE DOW

HEARD THIS.

AND YESTERDAY THEY TURNINGED UP MORE THAN 400 POINTS.

EXCEPT THIS TARIFF DEAL WASN'T TRUE.

AND HERE'S HOW YOU CAN TELL: THE PRESIDENT SAID IT.

<i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> THERE'S NO DEAL.

NO DETAILS.

NOTHING.

IN FACT--<i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>

♪ WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS LYING ♪ &gt;&gt; Stephen: HUGE FANS OF

NOTHING HERE TONIGHT.

<i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> IN FACT, IT WAS SUCH A BLATANT

LIE, EVEN THE FOX NEWS, EVEN THE &quot;FOX &amp; FRIENDS&quot; WEREN'T BUYING

IT.

CHECK OUT &quot;FOX &amp; FRIENDS'&quot; INTERVIEW WITH WHITE HOUSE

ECONOMIC ADVISOR AND THE CRYPTKEEPER'S WINGMAN, LARRY

KUDLOW.

&gt;&gt; THE PRESIDENT TWEETED OUT SOMETHING ABOUT WE'RE GETTING

RID OF THE 40% TARIFFS ON CARS.

YOU KNOW, WE HAVEN'T HEARD ANYTHING OFFICIAL ABOUT THAT.

CAN YOU EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENED?

&gt;&gt; I THINK IT'S COMING, OKAY?

&gt;&gt; WELL, HE ALREADY TOLD US.

GIVE US SOME DETAILS!

&gt;&gt; Stephen: &quot;COME ON, LARRY!

WE'RE SITTING ON THIS COUCH PUTTING OUR ASSES ON THE LINE

FOR YOU GUYS EVERY DAY!

GIVE IT TO ME STRAIGHT: WHAT ARE THE DETAILS OF THIS CHINA DEAL,

AND WHY HASN'T THE CARAVAN MURDERED ME YET?&quot;

<i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> CUDDLY, HE WENT ON TO EXPLAIN

THAT THE TARIFF REDUCTION THAT TRUMP ANNOUNCED WAS MORE OF AN

ASPIRATION.

&gt;&gt; IT HASN'T BEEN SIGNED AND SEALED AND DELIVERED YET, BUT,

LOOK, I THINK THEY WILL GO TO ZERO.

IN MY VIEW, I THINK THE PRESIDENT EXPECTS THEM TO GO TO

ZERO.

&gt;&gt; Stephen: YOU CAN'T JUST SAY SOMETHING HAPPENED BECAUSE YOU

EXPECT IT IS GOING TO!

THAT'S LIKE SENDING OUT ANNOUNCEMENT CARDS LIKE THIS

ONE: &quot;IT'S A BOY!

'M GOING ON MY FIRST DATE WITH THIS WOMAN TONIGHT, AND I THINK

SHE'LL MAKE AN EXCELLENT MOTHER IF IT'S A BOY.&quot;

<i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> SO SWEET!

♪ WHY YOU ALWAYS LYIN' ♪ &gt;&gt; Stephen: HAPPY BIRTHDAY,

JOHN.

NOW, TRUMP AND XI DID AGREE TO A SORT OF TARIFF CEASE-FIRE

PERIOD.

KUDLOW INITIALLY SAID THE CHINESE HAD 90 DAYS FROM

JANUARY 1.

BUT THEN THE WHITE HOUSE CORRECTED HIM TO SAY THE 90

DAYS ACTUALLY BEGAN ON DECEMBER 1.

WELL, HE DOESN'T NEED TO BE GOOD WITH NUMBERS.

HE'S ONLY THE WHITE HOUSE ECONOMIC ADVISOR.

<i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> BUT WHAT REALLY MADE WALL STREET

&quot;S&amp;P&quot; ITS PANTS IS WHEN TRUMP TODAY ADMITTED THE DEAL ISN'T

DONE, TWEETING, &quot;THE NEGOTIATIONS WITH CHINA HAVE

ALREADY STARTED.

UNLESS EXTENDED, THEY WILL END 90 DAYS FROM THE DATE OF OUR

WONDERFUL AND VERY WARM DINNER WITH PRESIDENT XI IN ARGENTINA.

BOB LIGHTHIZER WILL BE WORKING CLOSELY WITH STEVE MNUCHIN,

LARRY KUDLOW, WILBUR ROSS, AND PETER NAVARRO, DOT, DOT, DOT,

DOT, DOT.&quot;

DOT, DOT, DOT, ON SEEING WHETHER OR NOT A REAL

DEAL WITH CHINA IS ACTUALLY POSSIBLE.

IF IT IS, WE WILL GET IT DONE.

CHINA IS SUPPOSED TO START BUYING AGRICULTURAL PRODUCT AND

MORE IMMEDIATELY.&quot;

AGRICULTURAL PRODUCT, SINGULAR?

<i> ( LAUGHTER ) ( AS TRUMP ) </i>

&quot;LOOK, I'M NEGOTIATING WITH A CARROT-AND-STICK APPROACH.

I'M INSIST AGO<i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>

I AM INSISTING THAT CHINA BUY A CARROT, AND THEY HAVE TOLD ME

WHERE TO STICK IT.&quot;

<i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> &quot;NOW I, YOU, &quot;AH-AH-AH.&quot;

HE CONTINUED, &quot;PRESIDENT XI AND I WANT THIS DEAL TO HAPPEN, AND

IT PROBABLY WILL.

BUT IF NOT, REMEMBER, COMMA, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT,

DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, I AM A TARIFF MAN.&quot;

<i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> OH, YEAH.

OH, YEAH, BABY.

&gt;&gt; Jon: TARIFF MAN.

&gt;&gt; Stephen: OH, YEAH, EVERYBODY KNOWS I'M A TARIFF

MAN, YEAH.

IT TAKES ALL KINDS. THERE ARE SOME FREAKS OUT THERE.

ANYTHING GOES, FREE MARKETS.

CALL ME OLD FASHIONED, BUT I LIKE AN IMPORT WITH A BIG

DUTY.&quot;

<i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> AND-- THAT WAS A LONG WALK.

THAT WAS A LONG WALK.

&gt;&gt; Jon: OOOH!

&gt;&gt; Stephen: MMM!

I LIKE THAT DUTY.

I'M JUST-- I'M POLISHING THE DUTY HERE.

THAT'S ALL I'M DOING.

<i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> AND HE WENT ON TO DEFEND HIS

TARIFF POLICY.

&quot;WE ARE RIGHT NOW TAKING IN-- DOLLAR SIGN-- BILLIONS IN

TARIFFS.

MAKE AMERICA RICH AGAIN.&quot;

YES, NOT MAGA, MARA!

I THINK THAT'S HOW TRUMP NAMED MAR-A-LAGO.

IT STANDS FOR &quot;MAKE AMERICA RICH AGAIN, LYING, AND GRIFTING,

OBVIOUSLY.&quot;

<i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> &quot;MARA-- MAR-A-LAGO.&quot;

NOW, IN HAPPIER NEWS, WE MIGHT BE GETTING A REPORT SOON FROM

ROBERT MUELLER, BECAUSE HIS TEAM HAS TOLD--

<i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> MUELLER'S TEAM HAS TOLD DEFENSE

LAWYERS THAT THEY'RE &quot;TYING UP LOOSE ENDS&quot; IN THEIR

INVESTIGATION.

WITH ANY LUCK, &quot;LOOSE ENDS&quot; IS THEIR CODE NAME FOR DON JR.

<i> ( APPLAUSE )</i> AND TODAY WE LEARNED MORE ABOUT

FORMER TRUMP LAWYER, MICHAEL COHEN, SEEN HERE LOVING LIFE.

<i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> NOW, ALL MONTH-- ABOUT A MONTH

NOW, RIGHT?

EVERYBODY'S BEEN SAYING THAT COHEN MADE A PLEA DEAL WITH

ROBERT MUELLER.

BUT WE JUST LEARNED THAT, IN A DAREDEVIL MOVE THAT WOULD MAKE

EVEL KNIEVEL'S SPHINCTER SNAP SHUT, COHEN, IN FACT, PLEADED

GUILTY WITHOUT FIRST OBTAINING A TRADITIONAL IRONCLAD DEAL UNDER

WHICH THE GOVERNMENT WOULD COMMIT TO SEEKING LENIENCY.&quot;

WELL-PLAYED, PLAYER.

<i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> &quot;OKAY, OKAY, I'M PUTTING MY

CARDS ON THE TABLE.

AS YOU CAN SEE, I GOT NOTHING, AND I'M BETTING IT ALL.&quot;

<i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> NOW, REPORTEDLY, COHEN WANTED TO

SPEED UP THE LEGAL PROCESS, IN PART, BECAUSE HE &quot;HAS CONCLUDED

THAT HIS LIFE HAS BEEN UTTERLY DESTROYED BY HIS RELATIONSHIP

WITH MR. TRUMP.&quot;

TO WHICH MELANIA REPLIED,<i> ( AS MELANIA ) </i>

&quot;GET IN LINE.&quot;

<i> ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>