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Which Long-term Relationships Will Survive and Which Won't - YouTube
Channel: The School of Life
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it can seem very confusing why certain
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long-term relationships survive and some
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don't
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it can from afar
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look as if it's the most cruel and
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alarming sort of lottery
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trying to explain love to a child or a
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visitor from another planet promises to
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be a perplexing matter indeed
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all couples on their wedding day are
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united in wanting to make things work
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then for reasons beyond anyone's
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comprehension
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some of them simply seem to dissolve and
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others don't
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to remove some of the terrifying element
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of apparent chance and encourage us to
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work on the right aspects of our own
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couples
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it may be helpful to become deliberately
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reductive about the real reasons why
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breakups occur
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we need in this regard first to discount
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certain causes that gain far too much
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air time relative to their actual
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likelihoods
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of course sometimes people break up
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because one party wants a younger
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partner or because they want better sex
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or because they are seeking a more
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exciting companion
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or because their hobbies or political
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views have drifted apart
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or because things have somehow grown
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stale
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but let's quickly try to reduce the role
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we give to such explanatory factors
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given the costs of breakups given the
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massive investments that people make in
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being together
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given the chaos generated if there are
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children
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one can assert with a high degree of
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confidence that almost no one ever
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splits up for such familiar reasons
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the real reason lies elsewhere
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the real reason for breakup lies in one
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or both spouses sense that they have not
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been heard
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that something very important to them
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has been disregarded
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that their point of view has not at a
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fundamental level been acknowledged and
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honored
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it doesn't matter what the subject of
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this non-hearing happens to be
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it could be that they haven't been heard
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about their views on money or on the way
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the children are being brought up or on
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how their weekends should be managed or
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on how intimacy occurs or doesn't occur
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it's feeling unheard for our differences
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that is unbearable
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it's never the presence of differences
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per se
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we don't break up because a partner
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doesn't agree with us
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we could stand not getting what we want
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we could stand a partner who votes
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another way than we do or who is no
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longer as young as they once were or who
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has annoying friends or different tastes
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in holidays
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what we can't stand is someone who
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blocks us when we try to articulate how
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troublesome we find these areas of
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divergence
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when our unique way of looking at
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existence
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seems a matter of basic indifference
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that is too lonely and enraging to bear
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it's better to be single than unseen
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after all the unseen are alone anyway
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whatever their ostensible relationship
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status
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there is a big difference between a
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partner not doing what we want and a
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partner not hearing what we want
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it's entirely possible that one would
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remain with someone who doesn't share
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most of our interests
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so long as they happen to accept and
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signal an understanding of how much
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these interests matter to us
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it would be possible for us to live with
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someone who doesn't want the same sort
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of sex as we do or wants no sex at all
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so long as they can at points see
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matters from our position
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and can give a modicum of empathy to our
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hopes and longings
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we could be with someone whose needs for
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affection run in a different direction
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so long as they have the courage to
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listen to how ours operate
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we don't need partners to agree with us
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on everything
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we need them to give off signs that they
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can accept the scale and legitimacy of
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our vision
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i understand is the phrase that could
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single-handedly rescue more long-term
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relationships than any number of
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anniversary celebrations or therapy
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sessions
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it deserves to be known as the most
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romantic phrase in existence
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there is a lot of hope in this thesis
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if we want to stay together we don't
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need to be exceptionally beautiful or
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rich
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we don't need to rely on chance
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we don't need to have brilliant sex or
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friction-free alignments of interests
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we just need to make sure that we are
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people who listen
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who when the partner has something very
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important they need to get across to us
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can bear to take things on board
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can bear to acknowledge an opposite
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position can bear to say
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i can see this matters a lot to you
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and i will try my hardest to think about
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it and see what i can do about it
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from here it really doesn't matter if
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things radically change or not
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the vital work will have been done
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and the relationship will have been
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assured
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people described as defensive may have a
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thousand charms
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but we should know that the most flawed
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open person is preferable to the most
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seemingly accomplished defensive one
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the person we should settle down with
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isn't the most attractive or the
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cleverest it's the one who feels no
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pride or compunction in readily saying
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i can hear what you are saying and how
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much this matters a lot to you
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i get it
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or because i love you this makes me
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curious
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tell me more
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this person will surely one day annoy or
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frustrate us mightily
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everyone does
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will just be highly unlikely ever to
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want to break up with them
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connect is a card game to foster
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connection and closeness with 100
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questions that help couples to rekindle
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affection
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click the link on screen now to find out
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