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Stop trying so hard. Achieve more by doing less. | Bethany Butzer | TEDxUNYP - YouTube
Channel: TEDx Talks
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Transcriber: A Chuang
Reviewer: Berat G眉ven
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I've spent most of my life
trying really hard to succeed.
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When I was in high school,
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I pushed myself to win
every academic award that I could.
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When I got to university,
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I pushed myself to get straight A's
in all my classes.
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I ended up spending 10 years in university
and got my PhD in psychology.
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From there I pushed myself
to succeed in the corporate world,
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and then I pushed myself
to be successful as an entrepreneur.
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I eventually ended up getting a job
at Harvard Medical School,
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which is one of the top academic
institutions in the world.
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And by this point,
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I had won a lot of
scholarships and awards.
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I was reasonably successful,
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and there were many people
who were quite proud of me,
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but I still wasn't happy.
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So for example, when I was in my 20s,
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on the outside,
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I looked like a thriving young woman
who was doing well academically
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and who had an active social life.
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But inside,
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I was struggling with crippling
self-doubt and perfectionism.
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I ended up spending six years
on antidepressants
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and many hours in therapy.
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Now, I eventually managed
to get off the antidepressants,
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and I got into things like yoga
and meditation and personal development,
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and I started to make my health
and my well-being
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my number one priority.
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But still, there was
something inside of me
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that kept pushing me to strive
and to achieve and to succeed.
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And I eventually realized
that I had become an achievement addict.
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So I had become addicted
to the attention and the approval
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that often come along
with being successful.
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And so what I would do
is I would get into this pattern
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where I would overwork towards some goal,
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I would burn out,
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then I would maybe take
a little bit of time to recuperate,
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and then I would start
overworking again.
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And I would go through this pattern
over and over and over.
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So this cycle might
sound familiar to some of you.
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You know, these days,
when you ask someone "How are you?"
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the most common response
tends to be "Busy."
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So we wear our busyness
like a badge of honor,
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as if we don't feel like
we're worthwhile human beings
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unless we're incredibly busy
doing something.
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But all this busyness is coming at a cost,
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and the cost is our health
and our well-being.
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So a question that I've been
working with in my own life
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both personally and professionally
over the last few years
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is, What if there was another way?
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So, what if we could continue
to be productive members of society
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without destroying our health
and our well-being in the process?
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And might it even be possible
to achieve more by doing less?
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Now, I want to make it clear
from the very beginning
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that I'm not advocating that we not try.
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Life involves effort, and I get that.
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If we didn't exert
any effort in our lives,
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we probably wouldn't brush our teeth,
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or feed ourselves,
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or even leave the house.
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So obviously, we need
to engage in some effort,
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but the trick seems to be
learning how to balance effort with ease.
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And there are two different
types of effort
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that I believe we can
engage in in our lives.
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And the first type is something
that I like to call "upstream effort."
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So when we're engaged in upstream effort,
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it feels like we're paddling a boat
upstream against the current of the water.
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So it feels like
you're trying really hard,
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you're pushing, you're striving,
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you're maybe burning out,
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your health and well-being
are maybe suffering,
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and even though
you're engaged in all this effort,
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it doesn't really feel like
you're getting anywhere.
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Now, upstream effort is the type of effort
that I believe most of us are engaged in
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on a regular basis.
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And in fact, society even encourages
and rewards upstream effort.
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So from a young age,
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many of us are taught
to believe statements like
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"Nothing in life comes easy"
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and "If it was easy,
everyone would do it"
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and "You have to fight really hard
to make it in the world."
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So most of us are familiar
with this type of effort.
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But there's another type of effort
we can engage in,
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and I call this one
"downstream effort."
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So when we're engaged
in downstream effort,
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we're still engaged in effort,
we're still trying,
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we're rowing a boat,
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but we're paddling that boat downstream
with the current of the water,
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or with the flow of life, if you will.
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So we have a goal,
but we have a loose grip,
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or loose attachment to that goal,
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and we're more focused on the process
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or the journey
of getting towards that goal.
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Now, in the same way
that there are different types of effort,
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there are also different types of success.
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So, many of us are taught to believe
that success means having a lot of money
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or a nice car or a big house.
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And there's not necessarily
anything wrong with these things.
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It's just that we each need to define
what authentic success means for us.
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So for you, authentic success
might mean having a lot of money
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or it might mean improving
your social relationships
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or it might mean improving your health.
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So we each need to define
what authentic success means for us
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because this helps us
make decisions in our lives
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that guide us in the direction
of downstream effort.
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And so the question then becomes,
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you know, "How do we enhance
downstream effort
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in order to reach authentic goals?"
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because when I talk about the idea
of achieving more by doing less,
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what I'm really referring to here
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is enhancing downstream
effort in our lives
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in order to reach authentic goals.
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But how do we do this?
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There are a few different things
that we can do,
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and the first thing is that
we need to engage in some inner work
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in order to begin to cultivate
downstream effort in our lives.
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So one type of inner work that we can do
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is we can begin to identify
what we value in life.
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Now, values are abstract goals or ideals
that can be difficult to define,
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but there's things like freedom,
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authenticity, joy, happiness, stability.
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And we need to identify what we value
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because these values
then serve as a North Star
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or a compass to help guide us
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in the direction of
downstream effort in our lives.
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Another type of inner work that we can do
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is we need to identify
how we want to feel every day.
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Now, Doug Newberg is a researcher
and performance coach
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from the University of Virginia.
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And he developed
a theory that he calls
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the Resonance Performance Model.
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And he developed this theory
based on interviews
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that he conducted
with hundreds of top performers
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from a variety of different areas of life,
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so for example, medicine, sport,
business, and music.
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And what he found
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is that these top performers
had very specific ideas
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about how they wanted to feel every day.
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So, yes, they had a goal.
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They might have wanted to win
a gold medal or a Grammy,
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but they were more focused on
the process of getting towards that goal
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than the actual goal itself.
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Another thing that Newburg found
is that these top performers -
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it's very important -
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when they bumped up against obstacles
towards their goals,
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they didn't try harder.
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So they didn't exert more effort.
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Instead, they took some time off
for personal reflection
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and reminded themselves
of how they wanted to feel every day.
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Newburg referred to this as "their dream."
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So reminding themselves of their dream
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then motivated them
to continue towards their goals.
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So after we've done this inner work
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of identifying how we want to feel
and what we value,
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our job is then to bring
this inner work out into the world.
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So there's research suggesting
that authenticity has two components:
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an internal component
and an external component.
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So internally, we need to unapologetically
own our values and our feelings,
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and then externally,
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we need to act on those values
and feelings in the real world.
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So in other words,
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we need to start making
authentic life decisions.
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So you might choose a particular job
or a relationship or life path
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based on what's true
and authentic for you.
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And this might sound
relatively straightforward,
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you know, you just make life decisions
based on what's important to you
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and then you live your life in that way.
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But in actuality, sometimes
our authentic life choices
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can go against what society
or our friends
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or our colleagues or our family
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think we should be doing.
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So for example, when I was working
at Harvard Medical School,
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after a while of working there,
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I started to realize that that job
was no longer honoring what I valued,
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and I was no longer feeling
how I wanted to feel every day.
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And so I made the very difficult
but authentic decision
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to quit my job at Harvard.
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And I ended up living in a cabin
in the woods for two months
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and then I moved to Europe.
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Now, this was not
an easy decision to make.
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There were people in my life
who believed I was making a mistake,
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professionally, by quitting Harvard,
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but it was a decision that was true
and authentic for me.
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So our authentic life choices,
they won't always be easy,
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but they'll always be worth it
because they help us live with integrity.
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And so after we've made
these authentic life decisions,
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our job is then to use discernment
to evaluate the results of our decisions.
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So in other words,
we evaluate which path we're on.
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We can ask ourselves,
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"Has this decision resulted in
me moving upstream
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or am I moving downstream?"
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And there are a few hints
that we can use in order to figure out
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whether we're engaged
in downstream effort.
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And the first of these is that
when we're engaged in downstream effort,
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I believe we're more likely
to experience something
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called "psychological flow."
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And when we're experiencing
psychological flow -
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some of you might have
experienced it before;
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we sometimes experience it
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when we're engaged in things
like music or art -
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when we're engaged in psychological flow,
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we're so absorbed
and engaged in what we're doing
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that time seems to get distorted,
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so time might feel like
it speeds up or slows down;
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you might not notice time going by.
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It can be very difficult to distract you
from what you're doing,
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the telephone could ring
and you might not even notice it,
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and you might even be so absorbed
and engaged in what you're doing
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that you become almost one
with the activity.
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So for example,
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in the moments before an athlete
scores an incredible goal,
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they might feel like
time slows down for them,
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they might not hear
the audience around them,
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and they might feel like
their body moves almost effortlessly
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in the service of scoring that goal.
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And in my opinion,
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psychological flow is actually
the epitome of downstream effort
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because we're trying
but it doesn't feel like we're trying.
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Now, another hint that you can use
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to find out if you're engaged
in downstream effort
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is that sometimes synchronicity
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might be more likely
to pop up in your life.
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So the perfect people,
places, or opportunities
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might arise for you without feeling like
you had to engage in that much effort
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in order to make those things happen.
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So if you're engaged in downstream effort,
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the idea is to stay on that path
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because authentic success
is likely to follow.
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Now, notice I use the word
"authentic success" here,
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so your success might not look successful
to the people around you,
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but it will feel successful
for you internally.
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So for example, someone who gets a divorce
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after spending years
in an inauthentic marriage,
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their life might not look
very successful on the outside.
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So they might lose their home,
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they might lose some access
to their children,
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they might lose some income.
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However, their decision and their life
will feel authentic for them.
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Now, if, on the other hand,
you engage in an authentic life decision,
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and it feels like you're engaged
in upstream effort,
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before you start trying harder,
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there are two questions
that you can ask yourself.
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The first question is,
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"Is this a time in my life
when upstream effort is necessary?"
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So there are some times in our lives
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when we do just have to
put in some extra hours,
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put in some time, and feel
kind of like we're trying very hard.
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So for example, if you're trying
to get your Master's or your PhD,
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sometimes that process
can feel like a slog,
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it can feel like a lot of effort,
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but if that Master's or PhD
is an authentic life goal for you,
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then you can remind yourself
of your motivations
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for pursuing that degree,
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and that can then
motivate you to continue.
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Now, also another question
you can ask yourself
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if it feels like you're engaged
in upstream effort
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is, Have my values changed?
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So there are times
when we make a decision in our lives
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based on certain values,
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but then those values change over time.
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So for example,
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if when you first finished university,
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you got a job so that you could get
some financial stability in your life.
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But maybe three or five years later,
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financial stability is no longer
something that is as important to you.
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That job might start to feel upstream
because it no longer reflects your values.
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In these situations,
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we need to either quit or let go of
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or the very least, significantly
alter the path that we're on
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so that we can course correct
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and bring ourselves in the direction
of downstream effort in our lives.
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So I believe that there are many times
when we're engaged in upstream effort
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when we actually need to quit
or let go of something
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so that we can make room
for downstream effort.
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And so my main point here
is not that we stop trying.
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It's that you stop trying so hard
at things that don't matter to you
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and start trying at things that do.
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Because when we engage
in effort towards goals
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that are personally meaningful for us,
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our trying doesn't feel like trying,
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and our success feels successful
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regardless of what it looks like
to people on the outside.
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Now, this might sound
relatively straightforward;
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however, very few of us
are actually living this way.
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So, many of us exert
enormous amounts of effort
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towards goals that are not actually
personally meaningful.
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And even though the idea
of downstream effort
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might sound a little bit counterintuitive,
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I believe many of us really resonate
with the idea of slowing down
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and exerting a different kind
of effort in our lives.
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And in fact, many of the world's
great wisdom traditions
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actually emphasize similar concepts,
like practicing mindfulness,
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non-attachment, and emphasizing
being over doing.
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So for example, in Taoism,
there's a term called "wu wei,"
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which refers to a form
of effortless effort.
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And Lao Tzu, a Chinese philosopher,
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who's considered to be
the founder of Taoism, wrote:
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"Search your heart and see
the way to do is to be."
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And so I'll admit
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that I don't have this process
completely figured out,
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and my inner achievement
addict is still alive and well
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and comes to visit me quite often,
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but when she does,
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I try to remind myself
of some of the ideas and concepts
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that I've talked about today
in order to do that course correction,
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to bring myself in the direction
of downstream effort in my life.
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And so I would encourage all of you
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to take a good hard look
at your own inner achievement addict,
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and ask yourself why you're doing
what you're doing.
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What's motivating you?
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Are you motivated by something
that's true and authentic for you,
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or are you motivated
by something that's external to you?
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And we might ask
"Well, why is this important?"
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Well, I believe it's important
because your health,
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your well-being, and your authenticity
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are more important
than any job, any promotion,
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any salary, any degree,
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or frankly, anyone else's opinion of you.
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And when we get this,
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when we truly embody it
and start living it,
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then we really can begin
to achieve more by doing less.
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Thank you.
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(Applause)
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