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What Representing Men in Divorce Taught Me About Fatherhood | Marilyn York | TEDxUniversityofNevada - YouTube
Channel: TEDx Talks
[0]
Transcriber: Morgane Quilfen
Reviewer: Tanya Cushman
[17]
I'm six years old,
[19]
and all I can think about
is getting the pink Barbie Corvette!
[23]
I need five more dollars.
[26]
Luckily for me, it's Easter,
[28]
and I know that my dad always hides
one coveted five-dollar egg.
[34]
I also know the best egg
is the hardest to find.
[37]
This year, I'm ready!
[40]
Before long, I spot it,
[42]
right in the middle
of my sweet '70s swing set pole!
[46]
You know, the one that runs
along the entire top of the set.
[51]
I scramble to get the ladder
and the yardstick
[53]
and duct tape it to a broom handle.
[55]
I fish it into the pipe,
and I shove at it hard.
[58]
It flies out the other side,
[61]
and by the time it hits the ground,
[62]
I'm waiting above it
like an expectant father.
[67]
The egg cracks open
[69]
and inside ...
[71]
is the very opposite of my grand prize.
[74]
Instead, a perfectly formed
dog turd rolls out.
[79]
(Laughter)
[81]
I burst into loud hysterics.
[84]
At the same time,
my father explodes with laughter.
[87]
(Laughter)
[88]
I run as fast as I can to my room,
[90]
but he's not far behind.
[92]
It's time for one of his talks.
[97]
"Honey,
[98]
it was clear that you already learned
the important life lesson:
[101]
the harder you work,
the better the payoff.
[104]
So it was time that you learned
another valuable lesson:
[108]
sometimes, no matter how hard you work,
[111]
you just end up with shit!"
[113]
(Laughter)
[118]
And who better
[119]
to teach just this sort of hard-hitting,
direct, and painful life lesson
[123]
to six-year-old me
[125]
than my father?
[127]
I'm a divorce attorney.
[128]
I've been practicing for over 20 years.
[131]
I began in Los Angeles,
[132]
but I've owned my firm
in Nevada since 2001.
[136]
My firm has a particular sub-specialty:
[139]
men's rights.
[140]
My nine female employees and I
[142]
specifically represent men
in divorce and custody battles.
[146]
And guess who runs
the business end of my law firm?
[149]
My father.
[150]
(Laughter)
[152]
In my practice,
[153]
we've represented over 2,000 men,
[156]
650 of whom are fathers.
[159]
My expertise not only comes from my career
[162]
but just as much from my personal life.
[164]
I'm a mother.
[166]
My children are 23, 15, 12, and barely 3.
[170]
They come from two different mothers
and three different fathers.
[173]
Hooker!
[174]
Let me explain.
[176]
(Laughter)
[177]
Let me explain.
[179]
I helped my ex-husband
raise our 23-year-old son,
[182]
whom I didn't birth,
[183]
from age 5.
[184]
I share custody of my 15-year-old daughter
with the same father.
[188]
My 12-year-old son
sadly lost his father to suicide
[190]
when he was just 7.
[192]
And my 3-year-old
is being raised at home
[194]
with his father and me.
[196]
I literally live my work every day!
[199]
(Laughter)
[200]
So, what has 20 years
of representing men in family law
[204]
while living my own reality show
as a wife, mother, and daughter
[209]
taught me about fatherhood?
[212]
Allow me, if you will,
[213]
to start with the second thing
I learned about fatherhood:
[216]
men parent differently than women.
[218]
Big surprise!
[219]
But their influence is crucial
in the development of their children.
[223]
Do you know any mom in the world
who would put dog shit in an Easter egg?
[227]
(Laughter)
[228]
Okay, maybe that's a good thing.
[231]
Let me better demonstrate this point
from my legal experience.
[234]
When getting my father clients
ready for court,
[237]
I prepare them for this kind
of interrogation:
[240]
"Who's your children's doctor or dentist?"
[242]
"What's the name of your school principal
or even their teacher?"
[245]
"What grades did they get
on their last report card?"
[248]
Nine times out of ten,
they miss the majority of these questions.
[251]
Seriously.
[253]
Does this mean they don't care
or love their children as much?
[256]
I bet it makes you wonder.
[257]
But please, hold your judgement.
[260]
Here are the questions
that my father clients can easily answer:
[264]
"If your son could be a superhero,
what would his power be?"
[268]
"What kind of monsters do your kids fear?"
[271]
"How high does your daughter
feel comfortable flying in a swing?"
[275]
"What makes your son feel defeated?"
[277]
Yet, in my experience cross-examining
hundreds of mothers in family court,
[282]
these are the harder questions for them.
[285]
Most of us know, motherhood
brings with it a sixth sense
[289]
and an unspoken bond to our children.
[292]
But what about fathers?
[294]
Even fathers feel insecure
about this reality.
[297]
After representing 650 fathers,
[300]
I can count on one hand
those that felt secure
[303]
in their instinctive role
and significance to their children.
[306]
What's interesting is my anecdotal
legal experience suggests otherwise.
[312]
In 20 years of practice, I've had
over 100 men take a paternity test -
[316]
like Jerry Springer.
[317]
Seriously.
[318]
Do you know how many were wrong
[320]
in predicting their biological
relation to the child?
[323]
Two.
[325]
This shocked me
and taught me my third lesson:
[328]
fathers, too, have a genetic bond
and instinct about their children
[331]
from infancy.
[334]
Forget where you are for a moment,
seriously, and close your eyes.
[338]
I'd like to ask you to feel.
[341]
Think about your childhood.
[343]
Picture your father,
[345]
his smiling eyes, his strong hands.
[348]
Hear his deep voice.
[351]
What did you love about your dad?
[353]
Did he throw you high into the air?
[355]
Teach you to ride a bike?
[357]
Carry you home when you got hurt?
[359]
Push you when you tried to give up?
[362]
What did it feel like to have a daddy?
[365]
Secure?
[366]
Fun?
[367]
Challenging?
[369]
Now, go back in your memories
and erase your father from every scene.
[376]
This is what the other 40 percent
of people's childhoods look like.
[380]
Just under half the people
listening to me,
[382]
including my own 12-year-old son,
[385]
felt sad, angry, or blank
[389]
during the peak of your joy,
while playing along.
[392]
Eye-opening, isn't it?
[394]
Nearly two of every five
children in America
[397]
are growing up without their fathers,
[399]
or 17 million,
according to the 2016 census.
[404]
Other sources estimate
as many as 30 million.
[409]
In 2011, I joined the board
for a local charity
[412]
called Nevada Youth Empowerment Project,
[414]
or NYEP.
[415]
NYEP is a housing program
for homeless girls ages 18 to 24.
[420]
As board president of this small charity,
[422]
I've been closely involved
[424]
and gotten to know the girls
and their tragic stories over the years.
[428]
Hundreds of otherwise homeless girls
have come to our program.
[433]
Their backgrounds
and what they have endured
[435]
would haunt you.
[436]
Do you know the one thing
all of these girls have in common?
[440]
They all come from fatherless homes.
[442]
Sadly, these girls aren't the exception;
[446]
they're the rule.
[447]
My fourth lesson about fatherhood
came from the data.
[451]
According to the Center
for Disease Control,
[453]
children from fatherless homes
[455]
account for 90 percent
of all homeless and runaway kids,
[459]
71 percent of high school dropouts,
[462]
and 63 percent of youth suicides.
[466]
While you listen to me speak,
you have to be wondering,
[470]
"What makes fathers so crucial?"
[472]
Honestly, the answer is complex
and better explored by psychologists.
[477]
What I can tell you is that the data
unequivocally tells us fathers are vital
[483]
and yet laws and society
undervalue their importance,
[487]
making it harder for them
to be in their children's lives.
[490]
Even fathers underrate their own value.
[493]
I know this data upsets
a lot of mothers, me included.
[499]
But advocating for fathers
isn't about diminishing mothers.
[503]
While children deserve both parents
whenever possible,
[505]
this crisis is specific to fathers.
[508]
The occurrence of
fatherlessness is epidemic,
[511]
the effects are catastrophic,
[513]
and the causes are male gender specific.
[517]
Nearly 30 years ago,
[519]
leading child psychologist
Michael Lamb reminded us:
[522]
"Fathers are the forgotten contributors
to child development."
[527]
Yet, researchers have found
that children with involved fathers
[530]
have stronger cognitive and motor skills,
[532]
elevated physical and mental health,
[535]
become better problem solvers,
[537]
and are more confident,
curious, and empathetic.
[541]
Sadly, we've had this data for 30 years,
[545]
and fatherlessness has only
continued to rise during this time.
[550]
The main contributors to fatherlessness
are divorce and out-of-wedlock births.
[555]
Every 13 seconds,
someone in America gets divorced.
[560]
That equates to almost
2.5 million divorces a year.
[565]
Lucky me!
[567]
(Laughter)
[568]
Currently, more than 40 percent,
or 1.5 million babies,
[573]
are born out of wedlock
each year in the US.
[576]
And this brings me back
to the first and most significant thing
[579]
that my career has taught me
about fatherhood:
[582]
family court is one of the critical places
where fathers are disadvantaged,
[586]
and this hurts kids.
[589]
Historically,
[590]
this maternal preference was solidified
in the tender years doctrine,
[594]
which mandated custody of children
under age four be awarded to mothers.
[599]
This doctrine was in use until the 80's.
[603]
As the laws progressed,
visitation for fathers improved,
[606]
but it took a lot of years
before the law was finally gender equal.
[610]
In fact, it wasn't until 2017
[614]
that Nevada finally adopted
a presumption for joint physical custody.
[618]
When I began my practice,
and until 10 years ago,
[621]
the best my father clients could expect
was every-other-weekend visitation
[625]
and maybe a dinner on the off week.
[628]
While significant
legal progress has been made,
[630]
this long-standing bias
against fathers still occurs
[634]
in the enforcement of custody orders,
in child support rulings,
[637]
and it exists in paternity laws.
[640]
All the while, the number of kids
growing up without dads continues to rise.
[645]
Between 1960 and 2016,
[649]
the percentage of children
growing up with just mothers
[651]
nearly tripled,
[653]
from 8 to 23 percent.
[656]
Paternity laws
desperately need more reform
[659]
to protect the 40 percent of children
born out of wedlock each year in the US.
[666]
Right now, once custody has been ordered,
[668]
it's illegal to remove a child
from their father -
[670]
usually a felony.
[672]
But it's perfectly legal,
in all 50 states,
[677]
for a woman to conceal her pregnancy,
[679]
leave the father's name
off the birth certificate,
[681]
and never tell him he has a child, ever!
[685]
How is this not kidnapping?
[688]
Just as horrible,
[689]
a woman can knowingly
list the wrong father
[691]
in a child's birth certificate,
[693]
deceive him,
[694]
and a short while later, in many states,
[697]
the wrong man becomes
that child's legal father forever.
[701]
He's obligated to a child that isn't his.
[704]
And that child just lost their real father
with little to no recourse.
[709]
This is a betrayal of the worst kind.
[712]
And the law not only allows it,
it creates the opportunity.
[717]
This is what we know.
[720]
Every bit of data we have tells us
children need their fathers!
[727]
The law, its application,
and society at large disfavor fathers.
[733]
The law is improving,
[734]
but the statistics are not.
[738]
So, what can you do?
[742]
We are the change makers, all of us.
[745]
If you're a father, make the effort,
[747]
do everything you can
to be in your children's daily lives.
[752]
If you're a mother,
[753]
encourage and facilitate the relationship
between your children and their father
[758]
instead of trying
to interfere or control it.
[760]
If you're a child,
spend time with your dad,
[763]
ask him to do something,
seek his advice and guidance.
[767]
If you're an employer,
[768]
grant the fathers you employ
[771]
the ability to be
at their children's events,
[773]
to help in their schools,
[774]
to take sick days to care for their kids.
[777]
If you work in the legal field,
[778]
help us continue to progress,
change the laws,
[782]
and ensure that they're enforced
to protect fathers and their children.
[786]
The importance of this pursuit
cannot be overstated.
[790]
The fate of nearly half
of America's children depends on it.
[796]
I'd like to close by asking all of you
to do one final thing.
[800]
Please, stand if you are able
or raise your hand - I'm serious, please -
[806]
if you grew up without a father,
[809]
if you raised or are raising
a child without a father,
[814]
or if you are a father
who's been separated from your child.
[818]
Now, look around:
[821]
the people really affected
by fatherlessness.
[824]
Really, look.
[827]
Those of you standing
and raising your hands aren't numbers.
[830]
You're real living and feeling humans.
[833]
You're the children
scarred by fatherlessness.
[837]
Now let me tell you who can't stand.
[840]
The 1,000 fatherless children
who were murdered last year.
[845]
The 3,000 fatherless children
who died from drugs.
[851]
The 3,200 fatherless children
who committed suicide last year.
[857]
And the 14,000 fatherless children
who were incarcerated.
[863]
Everyone, please, stand for them!
[868]
And do everything you can
[871]
to help the remaining 17 million
fatherless children avoid these fates.
[878]
Thank you.
[879]
(Applause and cheers)
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