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An Alternative to Painful Divorce, How to Consciously Uncouple | Vishen Lakhiani - YouTube
Channel: Mindvalley Talks
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We're talking
about suffering, and I think
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I wouldn't do justice and
I wouldn't be authentic if
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I didn't talk about
some of the suffering
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that I've been going through.
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The last four months have been
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like the craziest
months of my life.
[18]
I don't know what the hell the
universe is trying to teach me.
[21]
But it's been fricking painful.
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In October, my parents'
home caught fire.
[26]
I almost lost my mom and dad.
[28]
They were rescued by
firemen on the roof.
[30]
And so the home is still being
rebuilt and that was, like,
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scary and painful.
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And then a few weeks later,
I busted my knee and I'm now
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unable to run or jump.
[42]
I've been in four months
of physiotherapy,
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three more months to go.
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That was painful.
[49]
But the hardest part
is that I got…
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my 19-year relationship ended.
[56]
And I know that that's a
big shock to many people
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in Mindvalley because me and
my now ex-wife but close friend
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Kristina started
the company together.
[65]
So after being together for 19
years, we simply decided that
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our relationship was us living
someone else's illusion.
[76]
We realized that this idea that
when you get married it should
[80]
be forever is a societal
construct and there are certain
[84]
cases where it doesn't matter.
[86]
You can come together with
someone and celebrate that time
[89]
together and create great
things, and then choose
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to part ways, still with
love, but as friends.
[96]
I realized that my relationship
was built on four pillars.
[99]
There was the pillar of
love, there was the pillar
[102]
of friendship, the pillar of
being co-parents, and the pillar
[106]
of being co-partners
in a business.
[109]
Like we literally started
Mindvalley together.
[111]
When I was a meditation teacher
in 2003, Kristina was my
[114]
girlfriend doing
customer support.
[116]
And we started this company
together, it was the two of us.
[119]
And so we had
those four pillars.
[120]
But after 19 years
being together,
[123]
and we celebrate
those 19 years,
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we found that the pillar
of love wasn't solid anymore.
[130]
And we had tried to mend it.
[132]
It turned out it wasn't meant to
be, but we realized that if we
[137]
stayed together, and if that
pillar completely collapsed,
[141]
it would take down
the other three pillars.
[143]
So we decided to uncouple that
pillar of love but become
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better friends, better business
partners, better parents.
[151]
So we're becoming neighbors.
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She's probably, like, right now,
one of my closest friends
[156]
and I am to her.
[157]
We support each
other in our careers.
[160]
She's running Mindvalley's
divisions in the
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Russian-speaking world.
[165]
And she's an incredible woman
and I love her dearly.
[168]
And in fact, what we found is
that it was really interesting,
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when we de-coupled that pillar
of love, the other three pillars
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just got so much stronger and
our relationship became so
[178]
much better, and we
became so much better.
[181]
But the scary part was having
to explain that to the rest
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of the world.
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She has a mom who grew up
in the former Soviet Union,
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so very traditional.
[191]
My mom is Indian,
so very traditional.
[194]
In these cultures,
marriage is, like, a big thing.
[198]
And the end of a
marriage is painful and
[200]
it's considered failure.
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And this is why so many people,
when they get a divorce,
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they end up feeling lousy
about themselves.
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They end up feeling
like they failed.
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But there are other models that
I think are really relevant.
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And if you heard of
"conscious uncoupling,"
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Gwyneth Paltrow popularized it,
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so we decided to do a
conscious uncoupling.
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And a conscious uncoupling
simply means that we consciously
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decide to end our marriage.
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We did that by having a big
party, invited 50 of our
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closest friends.
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My 11-year-old son,
my 5-year-old daughter,
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they were the ring unbearers.
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So we took off our rings,
gave it our son, he put it in a
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velvet bag, I keep that ring.
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It's a prized possession.
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And we did it with joy.
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I wanted my kids to see
people lit up and celebrating
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and happy.
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And my mom was there.
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It was harder for her.
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She was crying, but I wanted her
to see that among my friends,
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which is a different
generation, it's okay.
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And it doesn't mean that I
failed or that she's failed or
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that the family has failed,
but that this is part of life.
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And I value Kristina because
we built so much together.
[265]
So I wanted to share
that with you, guys.
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And interestingly enough,
Katherine Woodward Thomas,
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who wrote Conscious Uncoupling,
is right here in the front row.
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Katherine, would
you stand, please?
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I just want to say, Katherine,
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Conscious Uncoupling
is an incredible book.
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After I read it, I passed it on
to many friends of mine who had
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ended relationships 5,
10 years ago, and what they
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realized is that the
relationships had ended badly
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and they were still holding on
to pain, and this pain was
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affecting their future
relationships.
[300]
And reading that book,
even though they were
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already uncoupled, helped
them heal that pain.
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So I strongly
recommend that book.
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Check out Conscious Uncoupling.
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It's a beautiful book and it
gives you a new model
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for understanding love and
understanding the world.
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Now, what I'd like to do,
if it's okay with you,
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is to play a six-minute video,
because I want to bring you
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even to my world.
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So when we, me and Kristina,
knew that we were going
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to uncouple and we decided that
we were going to celebrate one
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last Valentine's Day together,
and then on February 15 this
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year take off our rings.
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So on Valentine's Day,
we assembled the entire company,
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and we shared with them,
six minutes, what was happening.
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Because we wanted to make sure
that our team members didn't
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feel that their jobs were
threatened or that their world
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was going to come down,
because traditionally,
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when you go through a divorce,
it is one of the single most
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stressful events in your life.
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It is so stressful that people
break down, they're unable
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to work, CEOs suddenly
are no longer able to function
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at their job, and we wanted them
to know that this was okay and
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we're doing a new model.
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With your permission, I'd
like to play that video for you.
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This video is going to bring
up stuff for some of you.
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But again, remember,
suffering is good.
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So it brings
up stuff, it's okay.
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But the main thing is… I shared
this video with Katherine and
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she said, "That this is
really beautiful, Vishen.
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You should share this with other
people because it helps show
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people a new meaning schema…"
Remember meaning schema?
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It's how we transform.
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"…a new meaning schema
of love and relationship."
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So this is the video of us
explaining to our people for the
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first time, and they were
surprised, why we were going
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to have our last
Valentine's day.
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So, thank you for stepping into that world, and thank you
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Katherine, for providing two
people like me a framework,
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Conscious Uncoupling,
that we can refer to.
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I hope maybe that video might
help shed the light that love is
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a lot deeper and a more complex
thing than what society says
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it should be.
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It's funny, we decide that love
is when we make an oath
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to someone, get the government
involved, sign papers,
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but really, it can be
multidimensional, and all we did
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was move the lever around
into different areas.
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But those two rules,
those two rules have helped me
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even as I went through
this form of suffering.
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The first thing I do
is I ask myself,
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what can I learn from this?
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How can I grow?
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How will this increase
my rate of self-evolution?
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So I started reading books on
relationships and love so I can
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be better for the future.
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And then the second thing is how
can I serve the world better.
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To get my mind off what might
sometimes be pain, I think
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about how can I make
other people happy?
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While I'm working on my growth,
how can I serve the world?
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So I'm travelling more,
I'm speaking more.
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I have more free time
on my hands right now.
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I've decided to write a book,
write a book every year,
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and dedicate more
time to my kids as well.
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And I know what you guys
are thinking as well.
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You're probably wondering,
Kristina mentioned in that video
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that I lost my wedding ring
in a strip club in Thailand.
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Even though this might be
appropriate, can I just clear
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the air on that one?
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She was with me
in that strip club.
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We were just exploring
the streets of Pattaya.
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And I know I was
going really deep.
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I just want to get
shallow for a moment.
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So we were exploring the streets
of Pattaya, and we were in the
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strip club and we were just
curious, but it was so shady.
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And I have this weird habit
where when I'm nervous,
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I play with my ring.
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I move it back and forth,
back and forth, back and forth
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on my finger.
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And before I could fully put it
on my finger, a ping pong ball
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hit me on the face.
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Wait, wait, wait.
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It's not what you think.
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It's not what you think.
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There were a group of American
sailors in the bar, they had
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brought ping pong balls and
they were tossing it around.
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This sailor stands up and says,
"Hey, buddy, toss that ball back
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to me," so I pick up the ping
pong ball and I toss it,
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not realizing that my ring
goes flying with the ball.
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So I go back to do my awkward,
like, worried move with my ring
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and I realized, "Wait,
the ring is not on the finger."
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So I'm like, "Oh, shit."
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So I then pretend I drop a pen,
Kristina's next to me,
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and I'm on the ground trying to
find this mysterious pen so that
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she wouldn't realize
I dropped the ring.
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And I'm frantically going,
"Where the hell did this ring
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roll to?"
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The ground is so disgusting,
you wouldn't believe it.
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And then all of a sudden,
I see this pair of legs.
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So I stand up and there's this
naked stripper in front of me
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holding out my ring.
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And she goes, "Hello, sir,
you trying to marry me?"
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The ring flew off my finger,
hit her on the chest while she
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was in the center, and
fortunately, she was cool enough
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to pick it up and
bring it back to me.
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And I had to explain
that to Kristina.
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So anyway, that's the
Thai strip club story.
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You see why I didn't
want this recorded?
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So anyway, I feel, like when
I get too deep and spiritual,
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I just feel weird about it and
I got to come back to, like,
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talking about strip clubs
and ping pong balls.
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So thank you, everyone.
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I hope you enjoyed that story.
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I'm here for the next two days.
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And I'll see many of you guys
at the mingler tonight.
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And have a wonderful Reunion.
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