Buying a House | Sarah Millican - YouTube

- But I discovered something about myself recently

that I did not know.

I discovered that I am a workaholic.

Haven't always been a workaholic,

I think it's much easier to be a workaholic

when you love your job, which I do.

But before this when I had a proper job

and I worked in an office Monday to Friday.

I was not a workaholic.

I was very happy at five o'clock to go,

"Bye, and fuck the lot of you".

(audience laughs)

But I read an article about workaholics

by a man called Oliver Burkeman,

and he said people are workaholics for one of two reasons,

either they're hiding away from something at home

or they have nothing else going on in their lives.

And I realised quite sadly,

that I fell into the latter category.

I had my job, but didn't really do or have anything else.

One of the remedies he suggested to fix this,

he said, "Actively create meaning elsewhere".

And that's what I decided to do over the last 12 months,

and that is what my show is about.

The first thing I decided to do, I decided to buy a house.

I'd lived in the same rented city centre flat

in Manchester for the last six years.

And I really wanted somewhere, I wanted a house.

I wanted to settle down.

I wanted a house mostly

because I've lived in flats for 16 years,

and I really missed going upstairs to bed.

(audience laughs)

Not through the fucking kitchen

(audience laughs)

upstairs to bed.

But I was sitting only a few weeks ago,

quite smugly upstairs in bed thinking,

"This is the life, I've arrived,

"I'm upstairs in bed".

And then I thought,

"Shit, now I've gotta go downstairs for food".

(audience laughs)

But what I wanted was somewhere that makes me feel

the same way my parents' house makes me feel.

They've lived in the same house

since they got married 47 years ago.

- [Audience] Awwwwwww.

- Exactly, and this is what I wanted.

I wanted somewhere that I could build memory,

after memory, after memory.

Now I was there late summer last year with my sister,

the four of us just sitting around with cups of tea

around the kitchen table,

putting the world to right, it was lovely.

And at the exact same moment

my sister and I both heard the ice-cream man.

(audience laughs)

And it was like no time had passed.

(audience laughs)

No words were exchanged between my sister and I,

she shot me a look that said, "Do you want one?".

(audience laughs)

And I shot back a look that said,

"Ofcourse I fucking do".

(audience laughs)

She picked up her purse, and she run out of the house.

When she came back in, she told me there'd been no children

anywhere near the ice cream man,

just a 44 year old woman running towards it.

(audience laughs)

He'd start to pull away, she had to flag him down.

(audience laughs)

And as she flagged him down

and he shouted out of the window,

"Come on, Missus, you can do it".

(audience laughs)

She came back in with three ice creams,

one for me, one for her, and one for me dad,

because my mom doesn't really like sweet things.

And she said, "Where's Dad gone?",

because me dad was no longer in the room.

I said, "He's gone to the toilet".

Now, I don't know what your dads are like,

but my dad can lose a good 20 minutes,

half an hour in there.

(audience laughs)

So she started to sort of lick her ice-cream,

and kind of tidy his, do you know what I mean?

(audience laughs)

Licking hers normally, but then spinning this one round.

She was like a fucking machine,

licking and tidying , licking and tidying.

(audience laughs)

This one started to get quite small,

and I said, "Oh, that's not fair on Dad",

and she said, "Well, what'd you want me to do about it?".

I said, "I think you should take it to him

"while he's on the toilet".

(audience laughs)

And she said, "Well if I'm going, you're coming with us".

(audience laughs)

So we go upstairs together.

Mom and Dad's toilet is separate from their bathroom.

And I said to my sister, "Before you go any further

"you must promise me one thing".

She said, "What's that?".

I said, "You must promise me that when you open that door

"you keep your eyes tight shut,

"because you will never be able to un-see

"what you are about to see".

(audience laughs)

She promised, she knocked on the door.

And my dad said, "Come in", like it was an office.

(audience laughs loudly)

And with her eyes tight shut

she opened the door and handed in an ice-cream.

And me dad said, "I cannot take that".

And we thought quite rightly,

because eating an ice cream while you're doing a shit

is disgusting, isn't it?

(audience laughs)

But me dad said, "I'm reading the paper,

"me hands are full".

(audience laughs) (audience clapping)

But my parents have always lived near a park,

and I'd always been able to see a tree

out of my bedroom window.

So that became another priority.

I wanted to see a tree out of my bedroom window.

Didn't give a shit if it was on a fucking roundabout,

just a tree.

(audience laughs)

But it became very clear early on

that I'm not massively suited to country living,

having lived in the city centre for so long.

I drove along the lovely country lane,

and I saw a white marquis tent.

And instead of thinking,

"Oh, somebody's having a lovely summer party".

I just thought, "Oh, someone's been murdered".

(audience laughs loudly)

One of the houses I looked at

was owned by a couple who were getting divorced.

It was very sad.

And it was the husband who was showing me round,

and I'd realise what was going on straightaway.

And I decided just to go through it very quickly,

because it was clearly painful for both of them.

Now I don't know if you've ever been shown around a house

or have shown somebody around your house,

but there's a degree of stating the obvious involved,

isn't there?

When they say things like, "This is the kitchen".

(audience laughs)

I know, I call it the biscuit room, but whatever.

(audience laughs)

This is the living room,

yeah, it's another biscuit room.

(audience laughs)

He took me upstairs to a closed door and he said,

"This is the master bedroom".

I said, "Great".

He said, "I'd love to show you in there, but I can't".

I said, "Oh, why not?".

He said, "I can't show you in there

because there's a lady crying in there",

which is sad, but also quite an unusual way

of describing his wife

when potentially he's the reason she's crying

in the fucking first place.

(audience laughs)

I said to him, "Look, I'm divorced myself.

"I understand what you're going through.

"I know that this is horrible for both of you,

"and you just wanna get it over and done with

"so you can both move on with your lives independently.

"I understand, you have my total sympathy, you really do.

"But I also know that you can cry in the bathroom

"so fucking move her".

(audience laughs loudly)

Another house I looked at was owned by a really posh lady,

so I already hated her.

That's terrible, isn't it?

You're not supposed to hate anybody,

I only hate posh twats, it's fine.

(audience laughs)

I was gonna say, "Have we got any in?",

but I've just remembered where I am.

(Sarah laughs) (audience laughs)

(audience clapping)

You're all clapping,

there'll be a couple of people at the back from Jesmond

going, "Actually, there are posh people in tonight".

(audience laughs)

But this posh lady was very dramatic in all of her gestures,

she said to me,

"There is underfloor heating throughout".

(audience laughs)

I said, "That doesn't impress me, love, I've got slippers".

(audience laughs)

And then as if to hammer it home, she said,

"There isn't a single radiator in the whole building".

And I, because sometimes me mouth kicks in

before me brain's had a chance,

just said, "Well how'd you dry your knickers then?".

(audience laughs)

And the friend that I was with said,

"Just chuck them on the floor".

(audience laughs)

But I found a house that I liked

and I got a survey done.

And the survey came back and it meant nothing to me at all.

But luckily I've got a friend who's a builder,

and he said, "Let me have a look at it,

"and I'll put it into layman's terms for you".

I said, "Smashing".

Now gives us a cheer if you own your own home.

(audience cheering loudly)

Give us a cheer if you rent?

(audience cheering)

So up until this point I'd only ever rented.

And I think there are phrases

that mean nothing to those of us who rent

that the rest of you understand.

'Cause my friend, the builder, said,

"There is one thing you will need".

I said, "Oh yeah, what's that?".

He said, "You'll need a dampproof course".

And I genuinely said, "I haven't got time to go to college".

(audience laughs)

But the house that I bought had a log burner,

I've never had it log burner before.

I got quite excited about the log burner.

Not as excited as my fella did.

He just went,

"Oh my God, we'll be able to get a toasting fork.

(audience laughs)

"We'll be able to toast things".

And I thought he does know I've got a toaster, doesn't he?

(audience laughs)

But I went straight out, he went to work,

I went straight out and bought a toasting fork.

And I came back in, I grabbed a loaf of bread.

And I thought,

"I'm just gonna sit and work me way through",

I fucking love toast.

(audience laughs)

But I couldn't get it to work,

and I rang him and I said, "I can't get it to work".

He said, "How can it not work, it's fire and bread".

(audience laughs)

I told him what I'd been doing,

turns out I should have had the little door open.

(audience laughs loudly)

(audience clapping)

I might as well have been lying slices of bread

on top of me radiators.

(audience laughs)

Or in amongst me knickers on the underfloor heating.

(audience laughs)

You're right, that's probably

too much yeast altogether, isn't it?

- [Audience] Ohhh.

(audience laughs)

- But when I moved from the flat to the house,

I had bits and bobs of furniture, not much,

but I had some stuff,

and I was trying to work out what would best go where.

And I said to me fella, "God, I wish I had a tape measure".

He said, "What do you need a tape measure for?".

I said, "I just wanna know

"if that unit will fit in that alcove".

And he said, "Well, I can sort that out for you".

I said, "I don't want you to move it".

He said, "No, I can work it out for you".

And I said, "Have you got a tape measure?".

He said, "No, but I've just got an instinct

about these things".

And I thought (laughs), "Fucking instinct".

(audience laughs)

Let's have a look at your instinct, pet.

And I say, "Go on then".

So this is genuinely what he did, he went like this.

(audience laughs loudly)

"Yeah, that'll fit".

(audience clapping)

I said, "Is that it?

"You could have at least got your cock out

"and done six inches, six inches, six inches".

(audience laughs loudly)

- [Sarah] Hello, it's Sarah Millican here.

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