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President Trump Calls Coronavirus Stimulus Package Tremendous - YouTube
Channel: Late Night with Seth Meyers
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鈾櫔
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鈾櫔
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鈾櫔
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-How's everyone doing tonight?
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Worried about your family's
well-being
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because you love them,
but also, you kinda hate them
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because they're all somehow
standing in your way,
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no matter what room
you walk into?
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That sounds about right.
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In that case,
let's get to the news.
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President Trump yesterday said
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the coronavirus
economic stimulus package
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that was passed by the Senate
was tremendous because,
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"A lot of this money goes
to jobs, jobs, jobs
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and families,
families, families."
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I don't know if he was repeating
those words for emphasis
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or just having
a stroke, stroke, stroke.
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Senator Mitt Romney
announced this week
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that he has tested negative
for the coronavirus
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and also, charisma.
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Following Senator Mitt Romney's
announcement
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that he tested negative
for the coronavirus,
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President Trump appeared to mock
Romney on Twitter and said,
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"This is really great news!
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I'm so happy
I can barely speak."
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But then, he clarified,
"No seriously.
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I can barely speak."
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-Known or suspesked
gang members.
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Advising law markers.
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Will not be tolerighted.
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United Schtates.
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-After former Vice President
Joe Biden coughed into his hand
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during an interview on Tuesday,
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CNN anchor Jake Tapper showed
him how to cough into his elbow
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before clarifying, "No!
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No, your elbow!
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What's wrong with you, dude?!"
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Former Vice President Joe Biden
appeared on "The View"
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on Tuesday to discuss
the coronavirus and said,
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"We have to take care
of the cure.
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That will make the problem
worse, no matter what."
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I think he meant
make the problem better,
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unless he meant take care
of the cause,
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or maybe he meant to appear
on "Good Morning America."
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Sometimes it is, uh,
it's just impossible to tell.
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The New York Post
has published a list
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of do's and don'ts
for having sex
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during the coronavirus pandemic.
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For example, don't have sex
with anyone who went outside
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to get The New York Post.
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Not even funny headlines
about the Mets right now.
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Grocery stores, like Kroger,
Albertsons, and Walmart,
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have announced
they will begin installing
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plexiglass sneeze guards
at checkout aisles
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due to the coronavirus,
while Whole Foods announced
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it's gonna start
charging a cover.
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"Not on the list, bro.
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Get your avocado
somewhere else."
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A zoo in Missouri has asked
the public to write letters
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to its animals while it's closed
for the coronavirus pandemic.
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Said Missourians, "Okay.
I'll get right on that,
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as soon as I'm done
working full-time
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while homeschooling my kids."
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Mommy, we're hungry.
What are you doing?
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"I'm, uh, writing a letter
to a howler monkey
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who can't read.
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So be patient."
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Elementary school teachers
in Missouri --
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big day for Missouri
in the monologue --
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recently drove
through neighborhoods,
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waving to their students
after classes were canceled
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due to the
cornonavirus outbreak.
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Or, at least,
that's what they thought,
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until they looked closer.
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Today was Aerosmith lead singer
Steven Tyler's 72nd birthday.
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Said people shopping for a gift,
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"What do you get for the man
who wears everything?"
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It's nice to have one
that's not about corona.
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Yesterday was
National Tolkien Reading Day,
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so, if you spent the whole day
reading "Lord of the Rings,"
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you're gonna love
[laughing] page 2.
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Ian Morgan goin' hard,
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going hard after Tolkien.
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On his day!, no less.
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Tolkien doesn't [bleep]
on you on your birthday, Ian.
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Ian can be followed on Twitter.
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It's the worst Twitter handle
of anyone on our writing staff.
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I think it's @TheCh(r)isperer.
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I don't know.
We can lower-third it,
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if you wanna unload on him
for his Tolkien nonsense.
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@TheCh(r)isp--
I don't know. Alright.
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The makers of Peeps
have announced that,
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due to the coronavirus pandemic,
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they've been forced
to stop production.
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"This is gonna be hard,"
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said someone
about to eat a Peep.
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Ian again, redeeming himself.
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Kim Kardashian West
has announced
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that her makeup company
has stopped production
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due to the coronavirus pandemic.
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At least, I think that was her?
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And, finally, Netflix
suffered a service outage
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throughout parts
of Europe yesterday,
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due to increased
Internet traffic
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during the coronavirus
quarantines.
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And so did Pornhub,
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but no one dared
to admit they noticed.
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"Oh, did it? Yeah?
And what is that?
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And it's for --
It's for computers?
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[mumbling]
No, yeah, I don't know.
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I don't know.
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I don't [mumbling]
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I don't know."
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Well,
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that's the end
of tonight's monologue.
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I feel like some of 'em
were pretty good.
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I feel like
we're all pretty beat up
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over the fact that Ian went
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after "Lord of the Rings"
so hard.
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Or LOTR, as people
will sometimes write it.
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Uh, I don't have
much else to say,
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other than I think
my sweater did great today
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and I don't know.
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If you're still watching this,
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This is maybe,
now, at this point,
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I'm just seein' how long
you'll watch a YouTube video.
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I've clearly run
out of material.
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Uh, we're gonna be back
on Monday
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with another "Closer Look"
and more jokes
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and we feel very lucky
that we still get to do this.
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Wash your hands. Be safe.
We love you.
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