Are You Dating A Man Going Through A Divorce? - YouTube

You can't help who you fall in love with. This  is true but it doesn't mean it's the full story.  

When you fall in love with a man going through a  divorce, you're taking a huge risk no matter how  

cute, kind and emotionally available he  seems to be. Stick around to learn how  

attraction may not be a choice, but deciding  which men you invest your time in is.

I'm Evan Marc Katz, dating  coach for smart, strong,  

successful women and your personal trainer  for love. Welcome to the Love U podcast. Keep  

listening to learn what to do if you're  dating a man going through a divorce.

When we're done, I'll let you know how you  can apply to Love U to create a passionate  

relationship that makes you feel safe, heard  and understood. So when I am coaching women on  

our Love U coaching calls, these are groups of  women who attend Zoom sessions, the same kind  

of questions come up all the time. And usually,  it's a question as to whether you should put your  

feelings above logic. And in general, we want to  consider both of them at the same time. It should  

never be just a pure logic-based decision. It  should never be a pure emotion-based decision. So,  

here's an example. One woman came to me because  she desperately wanted to have biological kids.  

This is why she signed up. She was in her  early, maybe even mid 40s and shortly after  

joining Love U, the magic of my profile writing  skills, she attracted an amazing guy. And in  

the week between when we spoke, she found a guy,  went wild for him and was never so happy because  

she found a guy and they'd spent the last six  nights together. And what a great win this was.

Here's the kicker.

He doesn't want to have kids and  that's what she signed up for.  

Another woman tells me she's in a  burgeoning relationship with an amazing guy  

who takes time to talk to her every single  night and is already talking about the future.

Here’s the kicker. He lives in another state.

This brings us to today's  story. The story is of Rebecca,  

who eagerly told me on our last Love U coaching  call that she is falling hard for a wonderful man.  

It's been six weeks. He's doing everything  right. The kicker, he is separated from his wife.  

Now he's not going back to his wife.  I don't think that's the issue.  

But he is separated from his wife. He's not  divorced. So let's get a few things out of the  

way as I talk to you through this, because maybe  you've been in this situation before. I don't know  

anything about this man. As such, I'm not saying  anything negative about him as a human being.  

I know and I adore my client, Rebecca, and I have  no doubt if she tells me he's an amazing guy and  

treats her well and he's the greatest thing  since sliced bread, I believe her. The problem  

isn't with this gentleman as an individual.  I'm not suggesting he's got a low character.  

The only thing I'm suggesting, overtly suggesting,  is that he's a really risky bet for a woman who  

wants to get married in the next few years,  period. His marriage may have been dead for  

yearsyou, may feel like he's emotionally available  because he's been looking for something like this  

for many years of his marriage. He's been longing  for this thing that he has with my client,  

Rebecca. He may feel an intense connection with  her. You may have had a relationship where you  

felt an intense connection with a guy who wasn't  technically available because he was married.  

The problem is all these emotional connections  don't make him a good husband candidate.

That's what we're looking for. If you're  looking for a husband and not just to have  

a love affair with a married man, we have  to consider where this thing is headed.

So, the risks of dating a separated,  divorcing man or a recently divorced man,  

I know the ink isn't even dry. It's a  cliche and it's a cliche for a reason.  

As I said, it's not that he's going to  necessarily run back to his wife, although  

he may not want to divorce her or speed things  up for a variety of reasons that have to do with  

children and lawyers’ fees, and healthcare, and  a whole bunch of reasons that it's possible that  

a guy doesn't follow through with  his divorce, even if he's unhappy.

The issue is that if he's in a bad marriage,  how much of a rush do you think the guy  

in the bad marriage right now is going  to be to get married, remarried quickly?

He is, by definition on the rebound,  which makes you, by definition,  

his rebound girl. And this is without casting any  moral aspersions at the parties involved. The guy  

is looking for someone to fill a void in his  life, to give him attention and affection,  

to be everything his ex-wife wasn't.  It's super exciting for him to be  

single for the first time in years. It's not  unexpected, but that doesn't mean he's going  

to be ready for commitment on your timetable  or in this instance, Rebecca's timetable.  

So the most predictable outcome of Rebecca's  relationship is that: A, he'll reveal himself to  

be a different man as time goes by, which is not  unique to divorcing men, but it's similar to all  

men. Just because the guy shows up really great  in the first six weeks doesn't mean he's going to  

be good for the rest of your life. Everybody  knows that. So statistically, realistically,  

the guy she's all excited about right now  may not turn out to be her future husband.

B, he'll go stir when shit starts to get real.

C, he'll happily date Rebecca as long as he can  because she makes him happy. But when push comes  

to shove, he's not going to want to become more  serious the second his divorce is finalized. And  

by the way, I hate to talk about stuff  that's personal, especially since it's  

not my personal. My sister, I remember doing  this. I think she was in her early thirties  

and she met a separated guy, someone she worked  with. She had a great relationship. He was a  

super guy. She had a great relationship with  this guy for a year. And when she was hoping  

things were going to escalate, he was just like,  I love you, but I'm not ready to do this. So back  

to Rebecca. She told me just the other day that  she was already sleeping with this married man,  

who is not her boyfriend. He's just the guy she's  seeing. So he's having the time of his life dating  

someone for the first time in years, and she's  putting all of her eggs into this very risky  

basket. I told her what I'm telling you here, to  stop seeing him due to the aforementioned reasons.  

And you can just see her face fall. It  was the last thing she wanted to hear.  

And so I asked the other women of Love U who are  on that live Zoom call to chime in and weigh in,  

either by unmuting themselves and sharing  a story, and other ones were typing in the  

chat. And I just want to share with you  some of the things that these women said.

“What you don't want to do is fall in love with  one of these high risk guys because it can become  

impossible to extricate yourself. I've been there.  It's so hard. Rebecca, hang in there.” Next.

“Rebecca, I feel for you so much. I did  essentially the same emotionally unavailable  

guy and I fell hard, but I left after six weeks.  It hurts like hell, but rip off the band aid. If  

it's meant to be, he could find you again when  he's ready to give you what you deserve.” Next.

“I promise it gets harder as  more and more time goes by.  

I did this for three years, off and  on and here I am in Love U.” Next.

“Such a hard truth, my brother was involved  with a woman for six years. He's still  

married to his wife. I don't want this for  you, Rebecca. We have your back.” Next.

“Rebecca, you are so gorgeous and sweet,  

you will find someone who's ready  for you. You can do this.” Next.

“We all know exactly how  you feel, Rebecca. It's OK.  

You will find someone who's  right and ready now. “Next.

“I agree with everyone here,  Rebecca. I know it's so tough,  

but you're beautiful and there's lots of amazing  single guys who would love to date you.” Next.

“Why even have a conversation  to discuss this with him?  

Just end it and spare yourself  the future pain. Really?” Next.

“Rebecca, there are lots of other men out there  that are available. You're an amazing person that  

lots of single men would date. I've been totally  tempted by the same situation before.” Next.

“My ex-husband was dating someone while  we were separated and was talking to me  

about how it wasn't that serious and he  was planning on going on dating apps.  

I guarantee he wasn't telling this woman that.”

So I share all those stories because I love  the community that we've created in Love U,  

it's a safe place to share anecdotes, advice and a  little bit of tough love. And it's a reflection of  

my philosophy that telling someone what she needs  to hear is far more important than telling her  

what she wants to hear. As much as it would make  me happy to congratulate Rebecca on finding an  

exciting new prospect, my job is more like a risk  manager helping people avoid predictable issues  

in the future. So ultimately, when you work with  me, you can do whatever you want. You're the boss.  

But it's my job to inform you of the likely  consequences of your decisions. These consequences  

have nothing to do with what a great guy  he is or how much you're falling for him.  

I liken it, me and my silly metaphors. I liken  it to seeing a bus or train and there's a sign at  

the top that says Chicago, Boston, New Orleans,  Paris. This is where the train is taking you.  

And the problem is we see a  train going, that train is a guy,  

and we leap on the train without actually  paying attention to what's on the sign.  

And then, we wonder why we end up in a place that  we don't want to end up. If you don't look at the  

sign of it, because the sign is basically saying  married, not looking to get married any time soon.  

If you ignore that sign, the next thing you  know, you could sink two years into a guy.  

What if you just look at the sign and be like,  “I'm on the wrong train. This isn't the guy  

who's eager. He cares about me. He wants  female companionship but he's not eager to  

build a life with someone right now.” So half  my job is just getting you to pay attention to  

what's on the side of the train and not waste  your time on high risk man. Separated men,  

recently divorced men, long distance men,  these are men who are on the wrong train.  

And the exceptions, “Oh, I know this one  couple who…” Those don't disprove the rule.  

Focus only on men who want what you want right  now. And you won't have to waste years of your  

life on high risk, dead end relationships like  one with a guy who's going through a divorce.

My name is Evan Marc Katz. Thank you for tuning  in to the Love U podcast. For more episodes like  

this on YouTube, click on the subscribe button,  ring the bell and choose all to ensure you get  

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in the world. And if you want to find love right  now and are committed to making healthier choices  

with men, so you could have an easy relationship  that makes you feel safe, heard and understood,  

look for the link below and apply for  coaching with me in Love U. Talk to you soon.

Are you the woman who has everything except the  man? You can have the relationship of your dreams  

and you don’t have to change to get it. In Love  U, you will gain confidence, let go of unhealthy  

relationship patterns, learn to trust your  judgement, understand how to attract high-quality  

men, access long-term compatibility, and create  a passionate, unconditionally loving relationship  

with a partner that puts you first, never lets  you down, and makes you feel safe, heard and  

understood, click on the www.evanmarckatz.com  and click on the apply button to get started.