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When narcissists "devalue" and "discard" (Glossary of Narcissistic Relationships) - YouTube
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hi everyone its dr. Romani thanks again
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for tuning in to this series which is
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sort of a handbook of all the
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terminology you need to make sense of
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narcissistic relationships and
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narcissistic abuse today's video is
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going to take on two common narcissistic
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dynamics devaluing and discarding before
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we go on to that please do click on the
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bell if you want to subscribe to this
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channel you'll get daily updates when
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new episodes of this series come out as
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well as all of the other content that
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comes out on this channel so let's take
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on this issue of devaluing and
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discarding the classical narcissistic
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fairytale starts with idealization and
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then moves on to devaluation and then
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discarding everyone thinks it won't
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happen to them and yet without exception
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the story goes down the same way every
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time to feel thrown away by another
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person is an awful experience but yet it
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is sort of a universal part of the
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narcissistic relationship so let's start
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by taking a look at the narcissistic
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relationship cycle in most cases not all
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not all by any means but many of most
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the idealization often takes the form of
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love bombing which is another video in
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this series so love bombing or
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idealization lasts just long enough to
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get you stuck in this relationship
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dynamic just when you exhale and believe
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in the fairy tale then BAM that's when
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the devaluation phase starts devaluation
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can start slow its when the little
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criticisms begin when you start
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experiencing the contempt when the gifts
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and the big
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it's out go away when the narcissus
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phone becomes much more interesting than
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you sitting in front of them and when
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the sideways comments like I don't know
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like are you really gonna wear that and
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other comments of that ilk start to
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creep into the relationship it can be a
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real time of intense confusion in a
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relationship because you can't figure
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out when the love bombing ended and when
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the contempt began all you know is it's
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though the weather changed it went from
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being very warm to very cold kind of
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quickly the devaluing phase tends to
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happen just as you start to feel more
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settled into the relationship as a real
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relationship you may have actually been
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resisting the relationship for a while
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and you might have even had been savvy
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enough to think oh this love bombing is
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a little bit too good to be true I'm not
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gonna be played and then just when you
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settled in when you felt like it was a
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real and whole relationship that is when
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the devaluation begins the reason for
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this sort of shift it's a bit nuanced
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but it largely happens because at the
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deepest deep a narcissist self-loathing
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is actually so deep and so unprocessed
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that just as someone does see the good
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in them it's as though it activates
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their self contempt which they then
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project onto you and then voila
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devaluation it's as though they project
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their devaluation of themselves onto you
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now devaluation can last for months
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years and even decades it becomes before
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you know it sort of a new normal your
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life tends to be punctuated by insults
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and by invalidation the discard
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just what it sounds like discarding is
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honestly like throwing out the trash
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like they're done with you
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now sometimes discarding never really
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truly happens you may just kind of get
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stuck in the purgatory of devaluation
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forever but discarding happens when they
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cast you aside and it this is almost
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like discarding is like it can be really
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cold and you can actually have a
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narcissistic relationship that keeps
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happening even when you've been
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discarded so for example your narcissist
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may have an affair an extramarital
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affair just cheat on you and so you were
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in essence discarded but you still stay
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in the relationship or they may take a
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job or take advantage of an opportunity
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that doesn't take you into consideration
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so either you have to leave your life
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behind to join them or be left behind so
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they're just kind of doing what works
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for them the discarding is often
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motivated for the narcissist from a
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place of both contempt and of boredom
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basically your narcissistic supply has
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become quite stale and narcissist tend
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to be very novelty seeking so it all
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depends on your story no matter what it
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feels awful to be discarded from a
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relationship that you actually believe
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that you're in many narcisse's expect
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you often to do the dirty work and end
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the relationship so they can turn around
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and say oh she was the one who left me
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he was the one who filed for divorce she
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moved out and walked out on me and the
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kids
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oh he walked away from his family when
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that happens they get to look good to
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the world and since the narcissist is
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often gonna turn around and tell the
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world a false story then you look like
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the one who is unfeeling or unkind or
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willing to walk away from something
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which doesn't feel good now the mistakes
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that people most often make during the
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devaluation and the discarding phase is
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to ask that killer question
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why during the devaluation phase they're
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going to Gaslight you and deny that they
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are devaluing you and in fact they may
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turn around and call you paranoid or
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hypersensitive or crazy now during the
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discarding phase if you try to make them
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accountable for their behavior again
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you're gonna run into more gaslighting
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now people want to make sense of this
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process so asking why it's
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understandable but there's really no
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sense to be made of it because the
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narcissus isn't going to cop to it the
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narcissus isn't going to turn around and
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say yeah I'm not capable of making
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healthy attachments and I'm deeply
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insecure and I have contempt for
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intimacy so I am actually yeah I'm
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rejecting you and I'm treating you badly
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to see and test my hypothesis that you
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will observe my insecurities and that
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you will leave me and my fantasy is
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that's the case and then let's see if
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that comes true now they are not going
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to say that to you even though that's
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the dynamic that's likely unfolding so
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asking them for an explanation is likely
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to bring more harm than good because
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they themselves aren't in touch with
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what's happening now the devaluing and
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discarding cycles happen in families as
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well in general if you aren't just
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blindly going along with a narcissist
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agenda then they often think that you
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are against them and in a family this
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can happen when you just don't go along
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with the program with what the
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narcissistic parent or sibling or aunt
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or grandparent want your family members
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the family members will find out that if
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you are they learn that if you appease
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the narcissistic family member then you
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will be able to keep them calm and stay
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in their good graces and this can be
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particularly profound if the narcissist
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has some kind of power so for example
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the money that they may you
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to control family members so if you do
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lay down some real boundaries
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that's when often in a family the
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devaluation and discarding cycle can
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begin now for scapegoats in a family
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system the discard and devaluation cycle
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is an eternal part of the scapegoats
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role in the family system they're
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constantly being devalued constantly
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being devalued and if the scapegoat
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tries to set a boundary boom they'll be
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discarded
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now devaluing and discarding can also
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absolutely take place in workplace
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settings and in those cases that's in
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which narcissistic bosses and
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narcissistic managers and leaders
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devalue the people that they think
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aren't their team players basically
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these are the people who are not the yes
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men or the yes women and then ultimately
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they may make life so miserable for the
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people who don't just sign on with
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whatever twisted agenda they have that
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those people actually end up leaving or
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may get fired now the devaluation and
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discarding cycle is sadly enough often
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followed by hoovering that's why it's a
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dysfunctional cycle some people get so
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disgusted by the discarding cycle that
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they do ultimately leave but it's not
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unusual for that insecure narcissist who
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wants to keep control to try to Hoover
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them back now if you fall for it and
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allow yourself to be sucked in that
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whole cycle is going to begin again
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idealization devaluation and discarding
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it's just sort of this eternal cycle
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that's really only gonna end if you're
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the one who's going to be courageous
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enough to break it and it can really be
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quite addictive
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lots of people confuse the excitement of
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hoovering and idealization with love
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it's really not it's abuse and therapy
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becomes a key tool to at least start
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thinking about how to end the confusion
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and the conflation that love and abusive
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relationship cycles are the same thing
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now narcissists devalue and discard
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for many of the reasons mentioned but
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also because they devalue intimacy and
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because they have very limited empathy
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they don't really care how these cycles
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are hurting you or impacting you they
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just do it without thinking and in some
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ways the chaos it feels comfortable for
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them and they don't have any regard for
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how it hurts you but they do kind of
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like the excitement and the
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roller-coaster nature of this cycle now
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these toxic cycles take a tremendous
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toll on the people who get stuck in them
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basically this turns relationships into
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rollercoasters and almost like addictive
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cycles and these can often perpetuate
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early childhood patterns you may have
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had around rejection in some ways these
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toxic cycles keep their relationship
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exciting for the narcissist and it's
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very easy to get sucked into their
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vortex in cycle and for some people this
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cycle strangely enough become sort of a
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reenactment of trying to win over their
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unwinnable parent in childhood it almost
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feels familiar to be rejected and it can
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feel exciting when you are hoovered back
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in and idealized for a minute and in
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that moment you're almost taken back to
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childhood when you feel like I've won
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that parent over but then when the
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devaluing and discard cycles happen and
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it's inevitable that they will sadly
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those cycles feel familiar too and your
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ancient script a feeling like you're not
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enough gets activated again now some
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people allow these devaluation and
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discarding cycles to happen because
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they'll often buy into the narcissist
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narrative about how difficult their
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lives were in the narcissus eyes may
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very well have been quite difficult the
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narcissist will often share a story
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about having never seeing love when they
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were growing up and that it was so
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terrible for them and you endure the
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narcissist cycle because you believe
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it's the loving thing to do that maybe
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you're gonna correct it for the
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narcissus
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and it's not allowing yourself to be
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harmed in the name of love isn't love
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their tale of woe or abuse or trauma it
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may be very very true they may have
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actually had a very rough childhood and
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it is you're sorry about that but it's
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not your responsibility it's not your
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responsibility you can't change their
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history and remaining there as an object
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that at times they value but more often
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reject is not only you know not doing
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the narcissist any favors it's taking a
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tremendous toll on your mental and
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physical health there are no winners
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here now being discarded is an awful
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feeling it can raise tremendous triggers
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around abandonment and rejection and
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lots of people will fight for the
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relationship at that point they want to
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maintain that fantasy of the happy
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relationship or the happy family the
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fact is in some ways we are really
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stubborn creatures we're human beings
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and we fight for those things we can't
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have we get stuck on the things we can't
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have
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and things often become much more
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interesting when they're slipping away
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or we're just not allowed to have them
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where all the kids who want the thing in
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the cookie jar and don't fall for that
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trick if you have been devalued and then
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you're being discarded receive it
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believe it or not as a gift I know that
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sounds paradoxical but it's a chance to
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get away from a relationship that is
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likely making you sick but to do that
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you have to value yourself first and
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that requires a deeper dive into where
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those scripts about self-devaluation
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come from and flipping yourself over
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into a space of self compassion now keep
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in mind that self compassion is like
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kryptonite against the charms of the
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narcissist once you have self compassion
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honestly the narcissist is rendered
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powerless and you can finally walk away
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it's interesting to think that in a
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discard and a devalue cycle
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that you could actually get that kind of
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power you often feel like you're stuck
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at the whims of the narcissist when they
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will devalue you when they will discard
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you whether that's a partner family
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member or even a boss but the fact of
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the matter is ultimately believe it or
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not in these cycles you have a lot more
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power than you think in the form of self
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compassion self compassion not only
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allows you to say yeah no I'm not doing
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this cycle I see what it is it's not
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good for me and allow you love your step
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allow you to step away but self
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compassion also allows you to feel
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compassion for the other and as
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difficult and challenging as these
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narcissistic relationships are as I said
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many times a narcissistic individuals
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have had very difficult backstories in
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fact it's what explains a lot of their
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personality and why it's organized the
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way it is there is no need for you to
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engage in those kinds of toxic cycles
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you don't have to devalue and discard
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from a place of self compassion you can
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also let them go from a place of
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compassion and in your heart hope that
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maybe they can go and get the help they
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need to grow into a healthier future
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however that's not your job
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self-preservation is a right and if
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you're going to preserve yourself in
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these cycles you've got to exercise that
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right and break the devaluation and
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discard cycle thank you again for tuning
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in I hope this video helped you
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understand the theme the terms
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devaluation and more importantly
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discarding which are very much a part of
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the narcissistic relationship cycle as
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always if you like this content I just
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ask that you hit the bell subscribe to
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series but all of our future series and
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year so thanks again for tuning in to
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this series and I look forward to seeing
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you on the next episode
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