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What Trump's New Tariffs Will Do To Beer, Avocados & Tequila - YouTube
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WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," I'M
YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF )
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TODAY IS A SOLEMN DAY.
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IT'S THE ANNIVERSARY OF D-DAY,
WHEN WE BEAT THE NAZIS, ONCE AND
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FOR ALL, UNTIL VERY RECENTLY.
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( LAUGHTER )
PRETTY GOOD RUN, YOU HAVE TO
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SAY, 75 YEARS.
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PRESIDENT TRUMP WAS IN NORMANDY
TO COMMEMORATE THE OCCASION.
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HE GAVE A SPEECH THAT WAS BY ALL
ACCOUNTS-- AND I HOPE I'M SAYING
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THIS RIGHT-- PRESIDENTIAL?
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( LAUGHTER )
HAVEN'T SEEN THAT WORD IN A
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WHILE.
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THAT CAME TO A SCREECHING HALT
ONCE HE WASN'T READING SOMEONE
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ELSE'S WORDS.
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FOR INSTANCE, TRUMP SAT DOWN
WITH FRENCH PRESIDENT, AND MAN
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SAYING (FRENCH ACCENT) "HERE IS
THE CHURCH, HERE IS THE
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STEEPLE!"
EMMANUEL MACRON.
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( LAUGHTER )
TRUMP TOLD MACRON ABOUT THE
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SIGNIFICANCE OF THE D-DAY
LANDING BEACHES.
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>> IT IS A VERY SPECIAL PLACE.
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IT IS AN AMAZING PLACE.
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IT'S SOMEWHERE, WHEN YOU THINK
OF THOSE PLACES OF GREAT
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IMPORTANCE, THIS IS CERTAINLY
ONE OF THE TOP IN THE EYES OF
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SOME, IT IS THE --
-- IT'S THE TOP.
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>> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP)
"IN TERMS OF THE TOP PLACES OF
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AMAZING IMPORTANCE, IT'S AMAZING
HOW TOP IMPORTANT IT IS.
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'THE' TOP, SOME SAY, WHEN YOU
THINK OF PLACES, AND TOPS, AND
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CERTAINLY ONE OF THE FEW BEACHES
IN FRANCE WHERE PEOPLE WEAR
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TOPS."
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( LAUGHTER )
AM I CORRECT?
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TELL ME IF I'M CORRECT.
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( PIANO RIFF )
TRUMP HAD MORE PRAISE FOR HIS
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HOST COUNTRY, AND THE PALACE
THEY WERE IN.
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>> I'D LOVE YOU TO TELL SOME OF
THE FOLKS IN THE MEDIA, LIKE YOU
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DID ME, HOW IT STARTED WITH
NAPOLEON.
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IT'S A VERY INTERESTING PLACE
THAT WE'RE IN.
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AND, AS YOU KNOW, FRANCE HAS
MANY INTERESTING PLACES.
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>> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP)
"YES, NOT EVERYONE KNOWS THAT,
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JON.
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FRANCE HAS SO MANY INTERESTING
PLACES.
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THERE'S HUNCHBACK CHURCH, PENIS
TOWER, THAT PLACE WHERE THE
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NAKED LADIES DANCE, THE
CROISSANT MINES, THE TOAST
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MUSEUM, AND THE ACADEMY OF
TONGUE-KISSING."
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TRUMP EXPLAINED HOW HE MET A NEW
TYPE OF PERSON WHO TAUGHT HIM
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THINGS ON HIS TRAVELS.
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>> THEY CALLED THEM "THE
GUIDES."
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AND THEY WERE GUIDING US.
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THEY WERE TELLING US WHAT
HAPPENED AND WHEN.
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: YES, THEY CALL
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THEM "THE GUIDES."
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I, TOO, HAVE MET "THE GUIDES."
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THEY LED US TO "THE BUS," AND
SAID UNTO US "LOOK TO YOUR
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RIGHT, FOR IT IS THE ARC DE
TRIOMPHE."
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AND LO, THEY BEQUEATHED UNTO US
"THE BOXED LUNCH."
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( LAUGHTER )
TRUMP WAS ALSO ASKED ABOUT
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WHETHER HE WOULD LEAD AMERICA TO
FRANCE'S DEFENSE AGAIN.
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>> IN 2004, GEORGE W. BUSH SAID,
HERE IN NORMANDY, "WE WOULD DO
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IT AGAIN FOR OUR FRIENDS", WOULD
YOU SAY THAT TOO?
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>> IT IS VERY SAD BUT I WOULD
ABSOLUTELY BE RIGHT THERE.
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I WOULD BE RIGHT THERE.
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>> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP)
"ABSOLUTELY.
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I'D BE RIGHT THERE.
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ESPECIALLY NOW THAT THOSE WORLD
WAR II SOLDIERS ARE SO OLD AND
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EASY TO FIGHT.
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BING-BANG-BOOM, NIGHTYNIGHT,
GRANDPA, BEACH SAVED!"
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THAT'S WHAT THE GUIDE TOLD ME.
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( LAUGHTER )
THE PRESIDENT IS FACING HIS OWN
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BATTLES BACK HOME.
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YESTERDAY, HOUSE DEMOCRATIC
LEADERS MET IN PRIVATE TO TALK
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ABOUT IMPEACHMENT.
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AND THINGS GOT HEATED BETWEEN
SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE NANCY
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PELOSI AND HOUSE JUDICIARY
CHAIRMAN AND PROUD FATHER OF TWO
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WONDERFUL CHAIRS, JERRY NADLER.
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( LAUGHTER )
NADLER WANTS TO LAUNCH AN
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IMPEACHMENT INQUIRY AGAINST
TRUMP, BUT PELOSI TURNED HIM
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DOWN, RESPONDING, "I DON'T WANT
TO SEE HIM IMPEACHED, I WANT TO
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SEE HIM IN PRISON."
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF )
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WHY DO WE HAVE TO CHOOSE?
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( LAUGHTER )
AND DEMOCRATS AREN'T TRUMP'S
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ONLY PROBLEM.
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LAST WEEK, TRUMP THREATENED THAT
IF MEXICO DID NOT STOP CENTRAL
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AMERICAN MIGRANTS FROM CROSSING
INTO THE UNITED STATES, HE
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WOULD PUT A 5% TARIFF ON
EVERYTHING WE IMPORT FROM THEM
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STARTING THIS COMING MONDAY.
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EVERYONE WILL FEEL THESE
TARIFFS.
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OUR TOP FOUR AGRICULTURAL
IMPORTS FROM MEXICO ARE BEER,
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AVOCADOS, TOMATOES, AND TEQUILA.
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TRUMP'S PUTTING A TARIFF ON
SUMMER!
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( LAUGHTER )
SO, IF YOU LIKE AVOCADOS, I
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SUGGEST STOCKING UP AND THEN
EATING THEM ALL THIS WEEKEND
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BECAUSE THEY'RE GOING TO GO BAD.
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( LAUGHTER )
THEY'RE NOT RIPE -- THEY'RE
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HARD, THEY'RE HARD, THEY'RE
HARD, THEY'RE MUSH.
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THEY'RE GONE.
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THIS IS SUCH A BAD IDEA THAT
CONGRESSIONAL REPUBLICANS ARE
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FLIRTING WITH REBELLION.
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OOOH, OH, OH REALLY?
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FLIRTING, FLIRTING -- FLIRTING
WITH REBELLION.
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THAT COULD LEAD TO A DALLIANCE
WITH INTEGRITY, MAKING EYES AT
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GOVERNANCE, AND THEN AT THE
CHRISTMAS PARTY, A DRUNKEN
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HOOKUP WITH DEFENDING THE
CONSTITUTION.
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF )
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THEY ARE 100%.
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>> Jon: YEAH, INCREDIBLE.
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>> Stephen: I KNOW FOR A FACT
YOU ARE NOT APPLAUDING THE
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CONSTITUTION.
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YOU ARE APPLAUDING DRUNKEN
HOOKUPS RIGHT NOW.
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( CHEERING )
THIS WEEK, THE G.O.P. CAUCUS MET
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WITH WHITE HOUSE OFFICIALS TO
LEARN WHAT TRUMP'S PLAN WAS.
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AND HOW'D THAT GO?
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>> ONE REPUBLICAN AIDE AFTER
THIS MEETING WAS OVER WITH, THEY
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DESCRIBED THIS AS A CLUSTER-F.
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I WON'T COMPLETE THE WORD THERE.
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>> STEPHEN: OH, OH!
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CAN I GUESS?
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( LAUGHTER )
CLUSTER -- CLUSTER -- CLUSTER
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F --
IS IT CLUSTER FARM?
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CLUSTER FRIENDS?
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IT'S JUSTER ( BLEEP ), ISN'T I
IT'S CLUSTER ( BLEEP ).
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHY DO YOU HAVE TO?
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WHY THE POTTY MOUTH?
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NOW, THERE HAVE BEEN RUMORS THAT
REPUBLICANS ARE SO UPSET ABOUT
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THESE TARIFFS THAT THEY MIGHT DO
ANYTHING.
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THOSE RUMORS WERE SHOVED INTO A
SHALLOW GRAVE BY SENATE MAJORITY
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LEADER AND MAN WHO JUST READ AN
ARTICLE ABOUT HIS BODY'S HIDDEN
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PLEASURE CENTERS --
( LAUGHTER )
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MITCH McCONNELL, WHO SAID
"MOST OF US
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HOPE THAT THIS MEXICAN
DELEGATION THAT'S COME UP HERE
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AND DISCUSSED THE CHALLENGES AT
THE BORDER-- AND WHAT THE
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MEXICANS MIGHT BE ABLE TO DO TO
HELP US MORE THAN THEY HAVE -
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WILL BE FRUITFUL AND THAT THESE
TARIFFS WILL NOT KICK IN."
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YES, HE'S HOPING THAT THEY'LL
GET TRUMP TO NOT PUT THE TARIFFS
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ON.
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IN OTHER WORDS, MCCONNELL WANTS
THE MEXICANS TO DO THE JOBS
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AMERICAN POLITICIANS WON'T DO.
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THE MEXICANS WENT TO THE WHITE
HOUSE AND-- NO.
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BACK IN EUROPE, TRUMP TOOK TIME
OUT OF HIS DAY OF SOLEMN
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REMEMBRANCE TO FIRE BACK AT HIS
CONGRESSIONAL CRITICS.
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>> A LOT OF PEOPLE, SENATORS
INCLUDED, THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT
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THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT WHEN IT
COMES TO TARIFFS.
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THEY HAVE NO-- ABSOLUTELY NO
IDEA.
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WHEN YOU HAVE THE MONEY, WHEN
YOU HAVE THE PRODUCT, WHEN YOU
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HAVE THE THING THAT EVERYBODY
WANTS, YOU'RE IN A POSITION TO
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DO VERY WELL WITH TARIFFS.
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>> STEPHEN: YES, UNLIKE THOSE
STUPID SENATORS, TRUMP
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UNDERSTANDS COMPLEX ECONOMIC
PRINCIPLES LIKE "MONEY," AND
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"PRODUCT," AND "THING."
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THEN TRUMP UNVEILED A NEW
NICKNAME FOR NANCY PELOSI.
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>> I CALL HER NERVOUS NANCY.
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>> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP)
"SOMETHING ABOUT ME HAVING
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CONTROL OF OUR NUCLEAR ARSENAL
MAKES HER SKITTISH!"
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( LAUGHTER )
SPEAKER PELOSI WAS ALSO IN
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NORMANDY TO HONOR D-DAY.
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AND WHEN SHE WAS ASKED TO
RESPOND TO TRUMP, SHE WAS ZERO
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PERCENT NERVOUS.
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>> I DON'T TALK ABOUT THE
PRESIDENT WHILE I'M OUT OF THE
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COUNTRY.
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THAT'S MY PRINCIPLE.
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>> STEPHEN: (AS PELOSI)
"BUT AS SOON AS I'M FLYING OVER
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INTERNATIONAL WATERS, YOU GIVE
ME AN AIRPLANE CHARDONNAY, AND
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THE CLAWS WILL COME OUT."
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( LAUGHTER )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
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TONIGHT.
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MINDY KALING IS HERE.
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BUT WHEN WE RETURN, "MEANWHILE!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
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