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Back in My Day: Cryptocurrency, Bill and Melinda Gates - YouTube
Channel: Late Night with Seth Meyers
[1]
-I've been reading
a lot of stuff online
[2]
about how Elon Musk's tweets
have been influencing
[5]
the price of crypto currencies
like Bitcoin, Dogecoin.
[9]
And frankly, it's pretty
confusion
[11]
and, well, it got me
to thinking, you know,
[14]
I'm getting older.
[15]
Well, sometimes I look around
and I don't even recognize
[19]
the world I'm living in anymore.
[21]
Things are changing every day.
[23]
And, well,
not always for the better.
[26]
And sometimes I think we need
to take a moment to slow down
[30]
and talk about how things were
just a bit more simple
[33]
back in my day.
[34]
鈾櫔
[40]
Back in my day, people were
sinking their hard-earned money
[43]
into things like Dogecoin, NFTs,
crypto goggles.
[47]
Back in my day,
people knew the value of money,
[50]
which is why we put all our
savings in smart investments
[54]
like Beanie Babies
and subprime mortgages.
[57]
Back in my day, people weren't
giving out cash and incentives
[60]
to get people
to get the COVID vaccine.
[62]
Back then
the only incentive people needed
[64]
to get the COVID vaccine was,
you know,
[66]
not wanting to get COVID.
[68]
So, we took the vaccine for
nothing like a bunch of suckers.
[71]
No free vaccine tacos for us.
[74]
And back then
we weren't choosey either.
[75]
You would take whatever vaccine
you could get your hands on --
[78]
Pfizer, Moderna, heck,
you would even drink some bleach
[80]
if you could find some.
[83]
Back in my day,
[84]
Netflix wasn't developing
video games, stream beagles.
[89]
Back in my day you could only
play one game on Netflix.
[92]
It was called "Is There
Anything Good on Here?"
[94]
And after 30 minutes
of scrolling, you lost.
[97]
Back in my day,
Kentucky Derby winners
[100]
weren't getting caught juicing.
[101]
Horse feathers!
[102]
If you were an athlete
and you got caught juicing,
[104]
that meant you played baseball
or you were a cyclist.
[108]
And now our ponies do drugs,
too?
[110]
[ Dog barks ]
Oh, that's right, Rusty.
[112]
I forgot about Mr. Ed.
[114]
That fine gentleman
loved cocaine.
[117]
That's how they got him to talk.
[119]
Do you know how they got him
to shut up?
[121]
[ Dog barks ]
[122]
That's right --
horse tranquilizers.
[124]
Back in my day, no one thought
COVID-19 was leaked from a lab.
[129]
No, sir, back in my day
we thought COVID-19
[131]
came into our lives
the old-fashioned way --
[133]
a human locked eyes
with a handsome,
[136]
mysterious pangolin
at a wet market
[138]
and immediately they knew they
were destined to be together.
[140]
Was it love? Maybe.
Hunger? Sure.
[143]
Listen, we don't know if they
ate the thing or married it,
[145]
but the rest is history.
[147]
Back in my day we didn't have
TikTok dance challenges.
[150]
Back this my day,
we had real dance challenges.
[153]
Someone at the prom
would clear a space
[155]
in the center of the floor
and point to you.
[158]
You would step into the center
and do the Charleston dance
[160]
that your grandma taught you.
[162]
Then some gymnastics kid would
come out and do a backflip
[165]
and you would scream,
"Backflips are not a dance!"
[168]
No one could hear you
[169]
over the sound of all
the cheering and clapping.
[173]
You would go home
and grandma would say,
[175]
"Did everybody like it
when you did the Charleston?"
[177]
And you lie to her and say,
"Yeah, Grandma,
[180]
I was everybody's favorite."
[182]
But she would know
you were lying...
[186]
'cause you were crying.
[ Chuckles ]
[187]
[ Laughter ]
[189]
Back in my day, Jeff Bezos
wasn't going to space
[191]
with his brother.
[192]
Prime swaggles.
[194]
Back in my day, I was going to
space with my brother,
[197]
out back behind the garage
when he came home from college
[199]
and was like, "Bro,
did you ever try salvia?"
[202]
And I was like,
"No, what's that?"
[203]
And he was like, "It's like
weed, but it only lasts
[205]
for five minutes.
Also, it makes you go insane."
[207]
And I was like, "Is it fun?"
And he was like, "Not at all."
[209]
And I was like,
"What are we waiting for?"
[211]
And then we spent five minutes
in a chaotic spiral
[213]
of terrifying ego death,
[214]
the likes of which no man
should ever have to endure.
[217]
Simpler times, I guess.
[219]
鈾櫔
[225]
[ Dog growls ]
[227]
鈾櫔
[229]
[ Dog growls ]
[230]
[ Laughter ]
[235]
We don't skimp
on special effects here.
[237]
[ Laughter ]
[241]
Back in my day,
Bill and Melinda Gates weren't
[243]
airing their dirty laundry
out in public.
[245]
Micro stop it.
[246]
Back then, if you wanted to look
at a billionaire's private life,
[249]
you had to fly on down
to Omaha, Nebraska,
[251]
go to Warren Buffett's house
[253]
and offer him $50
to whip out his Johnson.
[256]
Oh, he'll take the money
every time.
[259]
Trust me, he may be rich,
but it's never enough.
[264]
It's never enough.
[265]
Back in my day,
Andrew Yang wasn't running
[267]
an outsider campaign
for mayor of New York City.
[270]
He was running an outsider
campaign for president.
[273]
And we didn't criticize
his every move or statement.
[276]
Because deep in our hearts,
we knew that goofy,
[278]
fun-loving bastard had no shot.
[281]
Hey, Rusty, who are you going to
[282]
vote for
in the mayoral election?
[284]
[ Dog barks ]
Giuliani?!
[286]
[ Dog barks ]
[289]
Back in my day,
Chinese rockets
[291]
weren't plummeting
back to Earth.
[292]
No, the only Chinese rocket we
had to worry about was Yao Ming.
[295]
He was unstoppable in the paint
[297]
and pretty funny
in commercials too.
[299]
Back am my day, Liz Cheney
wasn't being called a rhino.
[302]
No, back then they were
calling Matt Gaetz a rhino,
[305]
because he's endangered...
and horny.
[307]
Back in my day, I wasn't doing
a show for no audience.
[311]
No, sir, back in my day,
[312]
if I were doing a show
for no audience
[313]
it meant I was doing improv
[315]
right outside of college in the
back of a wine bar at 10:00 P.M.
[318]
on a Tuesday, and would yell out
for a suggestion
[320]
and then after
an excruciating long pause,
[323]
the waitress, who was the only
person in the room,
[325]
would say pineapple
[327]
so that we could get started.
[ Dog barks ]
[329]
Because you never showed up
to practice.
[332]
That's why we cut you, Rusty.
[334]
Back in my day, Caitlyn Jenner
[337]
wasn't running for governor
of California, no, sir.
[340]
She was running in the Olympics.
[342]
And that's, I think,
[344]
all I'm going to say
[346]
about that.
[347]
Well, I am sorry
I had to do that,
[351]
but sometimes
[indistinct, muffled]
[354]
This has been...
[358]
"Back in My Day."
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