🔍
British Royals Can't Stop Talking About Biden's Alleged Gas Leak | Pfizer May Have A Covid Cure - YouTube
Channel: unknown
[0]
WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE
SHOW."
[3]
I AM YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT,
AND FOLKS --
[6]
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF )
[10]
>> Stephen: LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, HAVE YOURSELF
[11]
NOTARIZED
BECAUSE YOU ARE HERE ON THE
[13]
NIGHT AFTER THE NIGHT AFTER THE
NIGHT AFTER AN HISTORIC
[18]
OCCASION.
[19]
BECAUSE THREE DAYS AGO, CONGRESS
APPROVED BIDEN'S $1.2 TRILLION
[26]
INFRASTRUCTURE BILL.u$BÑ
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
[30]
WOOO!
[30]
THEY DID ONE THING!
[31]
THEY DID ONE THING!
[39]
WHOO!
[40]
♪ CELEBRATE A TIME COME ON ♪
( LAUGHTER )
[45]
THIS INFRASTRUCTURE BILL COMES
NOT A MOMENT TOO SOON, BECAUSE
[47]
THIS FOAM FINGER HAS THE
SAME STRUCTURAL INTEGRITY AS
[51]
MOST OF OUR BRIDGES.
[57]
( LAUGHTER )
CAN WE SHOW THAT ON CBS?
[59]
CAN I SHOW THIS ON --
( LAUGHTER )
[67]
AFTER MONTHS OF DRAGGING THEIR
FEET, I THINK WE'RE ALL SHOCKED
[69]
THE DEMOCRATS ACTUALLY GOT THIS
DONE.
[71]
THE PARTY HAS GONE FROM "YES, WE
CAN" TO "WAIT, WE DID?!"
[76]
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
[82]
WOW!
[83]
HUBBA, HUBBA.
[86]
( APPLAUSE )
THEN AGAIN, THIS BIPARTISAN BILL
[87]
WAS SOMETHING THE LAST
ADMINISTRATION KEPT CLAIMING
[91]
THEY WERE ABOUT TO DO, BUT NEVER
DID.
[95]
AFTER FOUR YEARS, IT'S FINALLY
INFRASTRUCTURE WEEK, AND $1.2
[99]
TRILLION BUYS YOU AN
INFRA-BUTTLOAD OF
[102]
INFRASTRUCTURE.
[105]
THIS BILL WILL BRING A MASSIVE
UPGRADE OF AMERICA'S ROADS
[108]
BRIDGES, AIRPORTS, SEAPORTS AND
RAIL SYSTEMS.iv45Q
[117]
NOT TO MENTION MUCH-NEEDED
RELIEF TO LATE NIGHT HOSTS WHO
[119]
DON'T WANT TO TRY TO MAKE JOKES
ABOUT POSSIBLY PASSING AN
[123]
INFRASTRUCTURE BILL ANYMORE.
[125]
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
[126]
ONE OF THE BILL'S MAJOR
PROVISIONS INCLUDES $47 BILLION
[130]
TO WITHSTAND THE DEVASTATING
IMPACTS OF CLIMATE CHANGE.
[134]
THAT'S GOOD.
[135]
YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN
BETTER?
[138]
BILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO PREVENT
THE DEVASTATING IMPACTS OF
[141]
CLIMATE CHANGE.
[143]
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THIS IS THE EQUIVALENT OF
[147]
SHOWING UP TO A CAR CRASH AND
HANDING OUT SEATBELTS.
[150]
"THERE YOU GO.
[153]
YOU COULD HAVE USED ONE.
[155]
YEP.
[156]
THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN GOOD FOR
YOU.
[157]
DON'T MOVE.
[157]
THEY SAID DON'T MOVE.
[159]
JUST LEAVE THESE HERE."
[164]
( LAUGHTER )
INFRASTRUCTURE IS POSSIBLY NOT
[165]
THE ONLY THING THE PRESIDENT
PASSED, BECAUSE TABLOIDS ARE
[167]
REPORTING ABOUT JOE BIDEN'S
"LONG FART" AT THE GLOBAL
[170]
CLIMATE CHANGE GATHERING IN
SCOTLAND.
[173]
I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S ALREADY
BREAKING PROMISES ON CUTTING
[174]
DANGEROUS EMISSIONS.
[179]
( LAUGHTER )
THE PRESIDENT'S ALLEGED CHEEK
[182]
SQUEAK HAPPENED DURING A CHAT
WITH BRITISH ROYAL CAMILLA
[185]
PARKER BOWLES, AND IT WAS
"AUDIBLE ENOUGH TO MAKE THE
[191]
DUCHESS OF CORNWALL BLUSH."
[192]
AND IT TAKES A LOT TO MAKE THE
DUCHESS EMBARRASSED.
[195]
HER ENTIRE FAMILY IS OLD FARTS.
[199]
( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF )0
[203]
IT'S TRUE.
[207]
REPORTEDLY, THE PRESIDENT'S AIR
BISCUIT WAS "IMPOSSIBLE TO
[210]
IGNORE."
[214]
IMPOSSIBLE TO IGNORE.
[217]
SO, WE KNOW IT WASN'T PRINCE
ANDREW.
[220]
( AUDIENCE REACTS )
AND IT'S NOTHING TO BE
[222]
EMBARRASSED ABOUT!
[223]
WE ALL REMEMBER J.F.K.'S FIRSTRq
MEETING WITH THE QUEEN, AS
[226]
IMMORTALIZED IN "THE CROWN."
[227]
>> GOOD EVENING YOUR ROYAL
MAJESTY.
[228]
(FART)
>> OH, DEAR.
[233]
>> MR. PRESIDENT.
[234]
(FART)
>> MR. PRESIDENT.
[235]
>> YOUR GRACE.
[236]
>> SHALL WE?
[237]
>> UH--
(FART)
[239]
JACKIE?
[242]
>> I FEEL LIKE THAT WENT WRONG
IN ABOUT 10,000 DIFFERENT WAYS.
[245]
>> I'VE SEEN WORSE.
[246]
THOUGH NOT SURE WHEN.
[247]
(FARTING)
( LAUGHS )
[253]
>> A DRINK?
[254]
>> Stephen: LET'S SEE WHAT
ELSE.
[258]
WHAT ELSE.
[259]
( APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF )
[262]
>> STEPHEN: UM, WHAT ELSE, WHAT
ELSE.
[264]
OH, HERE'S A LIL' SOMETHING:
THERE MIGHT BE A CURE FOR COVID.
[267]
ON FRIDAY, PFIZER ANNOUNCED THAT
ITS NEW COVID-19 PILL CUT THE
[269]
RISK OF HOSPITALIZATION AND
DEATH BY 90%.
[275]
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WOW!
[276]
DID YOU HEAR THAT?
[278]
I JUST BROKE THAT NEWS!
[281]
WOW!
[283]
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I DON'T KNOW WHY I HAVE NOT BEEN
[285]
THIS EXCITED ABOUT A PILL SINCE
I DISCOVERED MOLLY, THE NURSE
[290]
WHO PRESCRIBES MY CHOLESTEROL
MEDICINE.
[299]
NOW --
( APPLAUSE )
[300]
( PIANO RIFF )
NOW, THIS PILL DOESN'T PREVENT
[303]
INFECTION, BUT IT DOES A GREAT
JOB TREATING IT.
[304]
AND THIS PILL DESIGNED TO AX
COVID IS CALLED PAX-LOVID.
[307]
ALL THE BEST MEDICAL TREATMENTS
RHYME.
[311]
IT STARTED WITH ALEXANDER
FLEMING'S BIG ANNOUNCEMENT:
[315]
PENICILLIN STOPS THE ILLIN'!
[317]
( LAUGHTER )
ANOTHER SIGN THE PANDEMIC MIGHT
[321]
BE ON THE WAY OUT: YESTERDAY,
AFTER 20 MONTHS OF RESTRICTIONS
[324]
THE U.S. LIFTED ITS TRAVEL BAN
ON 33 COUNTRIES.
[330]
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT'S GREAT NEWS!
[333]
THAT IS -- COME ON!
[335]
THAT'S GREAT NEWS.
[337]
SOME PARTS OF AMERICA JUST DON'T
MAKE SENSE WITHOUT TOURISTS.
[340]
YOU THINK NEW YORKERS WANT AN
M&M WORLD INSIDE A RED LOBSTER?
[343]
THAT'S FOR Y'ALL.
[346]
THAT'S NOT FOR US.
[348]
CHECK IT OUT, THOUGH, IT'S
DELICIOUS.
[354]
( APPLAUSE )
THE TOURISTS MAY BE VACCINATED
[357]
BY THE AMERICANS THEY'RE COMING
TO VISIT MAY NOT BE.
[363]
REPUBLICANS AND ANTI-VAXXERS ARE
FURIOUS BIGBOARD GOT A COVID
[372]
VACCINE.
[377]
THIS IS THE CRAZIEST ANTI-VAX
MUPPET OUTRAGE SINCE THEY
[378]
CLAIMED PFIZER GAVE THE SWEDISH
CHEF GIANT MEATBALLS.
[382]
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BORK BORK BORK!
[386]
( LAUGHTER )
HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED: LAST WEEK,
[387]
THE C.D.C. APPROVED THE VACCINE
FOR KIDS 5-11.
[389]
I BELIEVE WE HAVE THE OFFICIAL
ANNOUNCEMENT.
[391]
>> THESE GO TO 11.
[395]
>> STEPHEN: TO ENCOURAGE KIDS TO
GET THEIR SHOTS, BELOVED
[399]
CHILDREN'S TV CHARACTERS HAVE
BEEN DOING SOME PUBLIC HEALTH
[402]
PROMOS.
[404]
ON SATURDAY, BIG BIRD TWEETED:
"I GOT THE COVID-19 VACCINE
[407]
TODAY!
[408]
MY WING IS FEELING A LITTLE
SORE, BUT IT'LL GIVE MY BODY AN
[411]
EXTRA PROTECTIVE BOOST THAT
KEEPS ME AND OTHERS HEALTHY."
[414]
GREAT TWEET!
[414]
NO SURPRISE.
[418]
IT'S WHAT BIRDS DO.
[419]
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT OF COURSE, WE CAN'T HAVE
[425]
NICE THINGS, BECAUSE OF PEOPLE
LIKE, TEXAS SENATOR AND DRUNK
[427]
MAN ON THE SUBWAY SERENADING YOU
--
[435]
( AUDIENCE REACTS )
BUT HOW DO YOU REALLY FEEL?
[439]
( LAUGHTER )
TEXASERS?
[440]
AND DRUNK MAN ON THE SUBWAY
SERENADING YOU
[443]
WITH THE CELLINO AND BARNES
SONG, TED CRUZ.
[446]
( LAUGHTER )
CRUZ DIDN'T LIKE THAT BIG BIRD
[447]
WAS TEACHING KIDS HOW TO STAY
HEALTHY, SO HE RETWEETED IT
[449]
WITH THE COMMENT, "GOVERNMENT
OLD!"
[455]
SENATOR CRUZ... HOW SHOULD I PUT
THIS... OUR SHOW TONIGHT IS
[459]
BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE LETTERS
"F" AND "U."
[463]
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I'M SURPRISED CRUZ IS AT ODDS
[473]
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I'M SURPRISED CRUZ IS AT ODDS
[478]
WITH BIG BIRD HERE.
[479]
THEY HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON.
[480]
WHEN IT GETS COLD, THEY BOTH
FLY SOUTH.
[483]
( LAUGHTER )Ñi
( APPLAUSE )
[490]
IT WASN'T JUST TED CRUZ.
[491]
ONE STATE SENATOR FROM ARIZONA
TWEETED, "BIG BIRD IS A
[493]
COMMUNIST."
[495]
OKAY, THAT'S ACTUALLY TRUE.
[498]
BIG BIRD IS A SIX-YEAR-OLD, AND
THEY'RE ALL COMMUNISTS!
[500]
THEY DON'T OWN ANY PROPERTY, THE
COMMUNITY PITCHES IN TO SUPPORT
[503]
THEM, AND THEY SAY THAT
EVERYTHING YOU OWN IS THEIRS.
[507]
( LAUGHTER )
NEVER TO BE OUT-DUMBED, HERE'S
[511]
FOX NEWS:
>> BIG BIRD IS LITERALLY HAWKING
[515]
AN UNNECESSARY VACCINE.
[516]
>> THE WHOLE THING IS SO
INEFFECTIVE AND SO STUPID.
[519]
>> THE TRUTH IS, IF THAT SHOW
WAS REAL, BIG BIRD WOULD BE
[522]
SHAMED RIGHT NOW FOR NOT HAVING
HIS OR-- YOU KNOW, VACCINATION
[524]
YET.
[526]
>> STEPHEN: IF THAT SHOW WAS
REAL, WE'D HAVE MUCH BIGGER
[527]
PROBLEMS.
[531]
( LAUGHTER )
THERE'S A MONSTER LIVING IN A
[534]
TRASH CAN, A LITTLE RED FURRY
GUY ASKING STRANGERS TO TICKLE
[539]
HIM, AND ERNIE KEEPS WAKING UP
HIS HUSBAND WITH TRUMPETS AND
[541]
LIVESTOCK.
[544]
( LAUGHTER )s8
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )ZG■
[558]
( HUMMING SESAME STREET SONG )
ONE GUY NOT PROMOTING THE
[561]
VACCINE IS GREEN BAY QUARTERBACK
AND MAN WHO FORGOT HIS HELMET
[565]
LUBE, AARON RODGERS.çó
YEAH, THEY'RE ALL GOING "LUBE!"
[573]
( LAUGHTER )
LAST WEEK, RODGERS GOT A LOT OF
[574]
HEAT AFTER IT WAS REVEALED THAT
HE HAD CAUGHT COVID AND WAS
[575]
UNVACCINATED DESPITE EARLIER IN
THE SEASON, TELLING REPORTERS
[577]
THIS:
>> ARE YOU VACCINATED AND WHAT'S
[581]
YOUR STANCE ON VACCINATIONS?
[583]
>> YEAH, I'VE BEEN IMMUNIZED.
[585]
>> STEPHEN: OH, RIGHT, I FORGOT:
SOCCER IS THE ONE WHERE YOU
[589]
CAN'T USE YOUR HANDS, FOOTBALL
IS THE ONE WHERE YOU LIE THROUGH
[591]
YOUR TEETH.
[593]
( LAUGHTER )
ON FRIDAY, RODGERS DEFENDED
[595]
HIMSELF.
[597]
I REALIZE I'M IN THE CROSSHAIRS
OF THE WOKE MOB
[605]
NOW, SO BEFORE MY FINAL NAIL
GETS PUT IN MY CANCEL CULTURE
[606]
CASKET, I'D LIKE TO SET THE
RECORD STRAIGHT ON SO MANY OF
[608]
THE BLATANT LIES THAT ARE OUT
THERE ABOUT MYSELF RIGHT NOW.
[613]
>> STEPHEN: WOW, CANCEL CULTURE,
WOKE MOBS, LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY'S
[615]
ENJOYING THEIR SET OF FOX NEWS
MAGNETIC POETRY.
[619]
( LAUGHTER )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
[621]
TONIGHT.
[622]
MY GUESTS ARE JONATHAN KARL AND
BRANDI CARLILE!
[626]
AND WHEN WE COME BACK, IS CHRIS
EVANS THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE?
[631]
FIND OUT WHEN WE'LL FIND OUT
WHEN WE RETURN.
[635]
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪♪
Most Recent Videos:
You can go back to the homepage right here: Homepage