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Biden's Speech Promises "Jobs, Jobs, Jobs;" Rudy Raided By The Feds - LIVE MONOLOGUE - YouTube
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>> Stephen: HEY, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO "A LOT
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SHOW."
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I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
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THEY SAID IT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN
AGAIN, BUT LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
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WE ARE LIVE RIGHT THERE AFTER
JOE BIDEN'S FIRST ADDRESS TO A
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JOINT SESSION OF CONGRESS.
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BECAUSE OF THE PANDEMIC, THE
NIGHT WAS A BIT ODD.
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FIRST, BIDEN DIDN'T MENTION
LOW-FLOW TOILETS ONCE.
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SECOND, EVERYTHING ELSE.
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BIDEN WAS THE FIRST PRESIDENT TO
DELIVER THE SPEECH IN FRONT OF A
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MASK-WEARING AUDIENCE.
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IF YOU DON'T COUNT BILL
CLINTON'S LAST STATE OF THE
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UNION, WHOSE THEME WAS "EYES
WIDE SHUT."
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BECAUSE OF SOCIAL DISTANCING,
THE AUDIENCE WAS WAY SMALLER
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THAN USUAL.
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THE NUMBER OF ATTENDEES, USUALLY
1,600, WAS PAIRED DOWN TO ONLY
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200.
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STILL 200 PEOPLE IS MORE THAN
WATCHED THE OSCARS.
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BECAUSE OF THE LIMITED NUMBER IN
THE AUDIENCE, MOST TICKETS WERE
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DISTRIBUTED BY LOTTERY.
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DEMOCRATS PULLED NAMES OUT OF A
HAT, WHILE REPUBLICANS USED
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WHITE POWER BALL.
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BECAUSE MOST OF THE CABINET DID
NOT ATTEND, THERE WAS NO
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DESIGNATED SURVIVOR" TIS YEAR.
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THOOG ARE THAT'S TOO BAD
THAT'S USUALLY THE ONLY WAY TO
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FIND OUT THAT THE SECRETARY OF
LABOR IS MARTY WALSH.
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BY THE WAY, THAT WASN'T MART
WALSH, IT WAS JUST SOME RANDOM
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PHOTO FROM THE INTERNET AND YOU
DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
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PRESIDENT BIDEN WENT INTO THE
SPEECH WITH MOST AMERICANS ON
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HIS SIDE.
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A CBS/YOU GOV/ HARIBO GUMMI
WORMS POLL SAYS, 58% OF
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AMERICANS APPROVE OF THE WAY HE
IS HANDLING THE JOB, WHILE THE
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OTHER 42% SAY "HUNTER BIDEN'S
FINGERPRINTS ARE ON THE LAPTOP
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THAT KILLED DR. SEUSS, AND THEY
USED HIS CORPSE TO REPLACE ALL
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THE MEAT IN OUR BURGERS."
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INSTEAD OF THE THRONGS OF
GLAD-HANDERS ON BOTH SIDES OF
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THE AISLE, BIDEN CAME IN, DID A
COUPLE OF FIST BUMPS, AND THAT
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WAS PRETTY MUCH IT, JUST HEADED
STRAIGHT TO THE PODIUM.
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AND IT WAS TRULY MOVING TO
FINALLY SEE TWO WOMEN PRESIDING
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OVER THE JOINT SESSION.
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AND THE PRESIDENT IMMEDIATELY
NOTED THE MOMENT.
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>> MADAME SPEAKER.
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MADAME VICE PRESIDENT.
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(APPLAUSE)
NO PRESIDENT HAS EVER SAID THOSE
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WORDS FROM THIS PODIUM.
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NO PRESIDENT HAS EVER SAID THOSE
WORDS.
[142]
>> Stephen: TRULY AN HISTORIC
EVENING.
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AND A DEMONSTRATION OF THE
PROMISE OF AMERICA.
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TO QUOTE THE FOUNDING FATHERS
KOOL AND THE GANG, "OH, IT'S
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LADIES NIGHT, OH WHAT A NIGHT."
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HE ALSO OF COURSE INTRODUCED
FIRST LADY DR. JILL BIDEN.
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>> FIRST LADY.
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I'M HER HUSBAND.
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>> Stephen: OKAY, SEEMS LIKE AN
UNNECESSARY CLARIFICATION, BUT
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LONGTIME BIDEN SPEECH WATCHERS
KNOW THAT IT COULD HAVE BEEN HIS
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SISTER.
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BIDEN SET THE AGENDA RIGHT OFF
THE BEAN.
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>> TONIGHT, I COME TO TALK ABOUT
CRISIS AND OPPORTUNITY.
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>> Stephen: AND REMEMBER,
REMEMBER, FOLKS, THEY SAY THE
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CHINESE CRISER FER SYMBOL IS
ALSO THE SYMBOL FOR OPPORTUNITY.
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STAMP.
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BIDEN WAS OPTIMISTIC ABOUT THE
AMERICAN SPIRIT.
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>> IN AMERICA WE NEVER, EVER,
EVER STAY DOWN.
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AMERICANS ALWAYS GET UP.
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>> Stephen: YES.
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BUT FIRST, AMERICANS REACH FOR
THE REMOTE, UNLESS IT'S FAR
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AWAY, IN WHICH CASE THEY TRY TO
GRAB IT WITH THEIR TOES.
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IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, THEY TEXT
THEIR WIFE IN THE NEXT ROOM TO
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SEE IF SHE'LL COME HAND IT TO
YOU.
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BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO SPILL
THE NACHOS.
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IF SHE DOESN'T ANSWER, THEN
AMERICA GETS UP.
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BIDEN STRUCK AN OPTIMISTIC NOTE:
>> AMERICA'S READY FOR A
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TAKEOFF.
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>> Stephen: NO!
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NOT A TAKEOFF.
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YOU'RE THE TRAIN MAN!
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WE'RE NOT TAKING OFF, WE'RE
LEAVING THE STATION.
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ALL ABOARD.
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TOOT TOOT!
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JOE BIDEN CAN'T TALK ABOUT
PLANES.
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JOE BIDEN CAN'T USE PLANE
ANALOGIES!
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THAT'S LIKE THE COLONEL BRAGGING
ABOUT HIS BEEF.
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THE PRESIDENT ALSO STRESSED THE
ECONOMIC OPPORTUNITY OF FIGHTING
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CLIMATE CHANGE.
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>> FOR TOO LONG, WE'VE FAILED TO
USE THE MOST IMPORTANT WORD WHEN
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IT COMES TO MEETING THE CLIMATE
CRISIS: JOBS.
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JOBS.
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JOBS.
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<i> ( APPLAUSE ).</i>
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>> Stephen: OKAY, HE SEEMS TO
BE BUFFERING.
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CAN SOMEBODY UNPLUG HIM AND PLUG
HIM BACK IN AGAIN.
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BECAUSE HE HIT THAT THEME A FEW
TIMES:
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>> WE WILL CREATE THOUSANDS AND
THOUSANDS OF GOOD PAYING JOBS.
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JOBS.
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JOBS.
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JOBS.
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JOBS.
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JOBS.
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JOBS.
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JOBS.
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JOBS.
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JOBS.
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JOBS.
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JOBS.
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JOBS.
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JOB.
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JOBS.
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JOBS.
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JOBS.
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<i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
>> Stephen: YOU GOT TO APPLAUD.
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THAT'S A STATE OF THE UNION
RULE.
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YOU GIVE HIM A HAND EVERY TIME
HE SAYS "JOBS."
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IN WASHINGTON, THAT'S CALLED
GIVING A JOBS HAND.
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<i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THEN HE MADE-- REALLY, THAT MADE
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YOU BLUSH?
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THEN HE MADE HIS APPEAL TO RURAL
VOTERS:
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>> FARMERS, FARMERS PLANTING
COVER CROPS SO THEY CAN REDUCE
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THE CARBON DIOXIDE IN THE AIR
AND GET PAID FOR DOING IT.
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>> Stephen: WAIT, HOLD ON.
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WE'RE GOING TO PAY FARMERS TO
DO IT?
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E-I-E-I-OHHHH.
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THEN THE PRESIDENT TOOK A MOMENT
TO FEEL AT THE NATION:
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>> SO MANY OF YOU, SO MANY OF
THE FOLKS I GREW UP WITH, FEEL
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LEFT BEHIND, FORGOTTEN IN AN
ECONOMY THAT'S SO RAPIDLY
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CHANGING.
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IT'S FRIGHTENING.
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I WANT TO SPEAK DIRECTLY TO YOU,
BECAUSE YOU THINK ABOUT IT,
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THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE ARE MOST
WORRIED ABOUT.
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CAN I FIT IN?
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>> Stephen: OUR PANTS?
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NO.
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AFTER A YEAR OF COVID, WE
DEFINITELY CAN'T FIT IN.
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BIDEN POINTED OUT THAT THERE WAS
NO TIME TO WASTE BECAUSE THE
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WORLD WAS MOVING TOO FAST:
>> WE'LL SEE MORE TECHNOLOGICAL
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CHANGE IN THE NEXT 10 YEARS THAN
WE SAW IN THE LAST 50.
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>> Stephen: OKAY, THAT'S
EXCITING,
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BUT IF APPLE COMES UP WITH A NEW
CHARGER THAT DOESN'T FIT MY OLD
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PHONE, I'M GOING TO START
STABBING PEOPLE.
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ONE OF BIDEN'S GOALS FOR THE
EVENING WAS SELLING THE COUNTRY
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ON HIS $1.8 TRILLION "AMERICAN
FAMILIES PLAN," WHICH PAYS FOR
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THINGS LIKE UNIVERSAL
PRE-KINDERGARTEN, A FEDERAL PAID
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LEAVE PROGRAM, EFFORTS TO MAKE
CHILD CARE MORE AFFORDABLE, AND
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FREE COMMUNITY COLLEGE FOR ALL.
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AND, IT'S A FAMILY PLAN, SO 100
FREE MINUTES OF TALK AND TEXT.
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HE ALSO TALKED ABOUT RISING
HEALTHCARE COSTS.
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>> WE ALL KNOW HOW OUTRAGEOUSLY
EXPENSIVE DRUGS ARE IN AMERICA.
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>> Stephen: YES!
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I REMEMBER A TIME WHEN A DIME
BAG COST A DIME!
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AND WE WOULD DRIVE UP-- OH,
WAIT.
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HE'S TALKING ABOUT PRESCRIPTION
DRUGS.
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YEAH.
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THOSE-- THOSE ARE-- THOSE ARE
PRETTY WORRYING, TOO.
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BUT, YOU KNOW, THE XANAX CALMS
ME DOWN.
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NOW, IF YOU WERE WATCHING ON FOX
NEWS, FIRST, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
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HERE?
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<i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
AND SECOND, YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED
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THAT THERE WERE MOMENTS WHEN FOX
SHOWED TWO DIFFERENT TIMES IN
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DIFFERENT CORNERS OF THE SCREEN.
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WELL, YOU KNOW, THE OLD SAYING,
EVEN A STOPPED CLOCK IS RIGHT
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TWO TIMES A DAY.
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THAT'S BETTER THAN FOX NEWS.
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THE PRESIDENT TRIED TO MAKE HIS
ECONOMIC POLICY CLEAR.
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>> TRICKLE-DOWN ECONOMICS HAS
NEVER WORKED.
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AND IT'S TIME TO GROW THE
ECONOMY FROM THE BOTTOM AND THE
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MIDDLE OUT.
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>> Stephen: OH, WAY AHEAD OF
YOU THERE, SIR, ON THE WHOLE
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GROWING THE BOTTOM AND THE
MIDDLE OUT.
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LIKE I SAID, NOT FITTING IN THE
PANTS.
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BIDEN DESCRIBED A PHONE CALL HE
HAD WITH THE PRESIDENT OF CHINA,
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AND HE MADE IT CLEAR HE'S
PLAYING HARDBALL.
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>> I MADE ABSOLUTELY CLEAR
THAT WE WILL DEFEND AMERICAN
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INTERESTS ACROSS THE BOARD.
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AMERICA WILL STAND UP TO UNFAIR
TRADE PRACTICES THAT UNDERCUT
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AMERICAN INDUSTRIES, LIKE
SUBSIDIES FOR STATE-OWNED
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ENTERPRISES AND THE THEFT OF
AMERICAN TECHNOLOGIES AND
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INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY.
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>> Stephen: OKAY, BUT WE CAN
STILL BUY COUNTERFEIT DVDs
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ON THE SUBWAY, RIGHT?
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I'M REALLY EXCITED TO WATCH
"GODLIZARD VERSUS LORD MONKEY."
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HE GOT IMPASSIONED WHEN IT CAME
TO THIS COUNTRY'S POTENTIAL.
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>> AMERICA IS AN IDEA, THE MOST
UNIQUE IDEA IN HISTORY.
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>> Stephen: THAT IDEA: "THERE IS
NO CRUST THAT CANNOT BE
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STUFFED."
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IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN A LITTLE COLD
IN THE ROOM.
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AT ONE POINT, FAR-RIGHT
CONGRESSWOMAN LAUREN BOEBERT
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UNFURLED A SPACE BLANKET, WHICH
IS WEIRD, BECAUSE USUALLY SHE
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WEARS THE TINFOIL ON HER HEAD.
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BIDEN MADE A REASONABLE CALL FOR
GUN CONTROL.
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>> TALK TO MOST RESPONSIBLE
GUN OWNERS AND HUNTERS.
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THEY'LL TELL YOU THERE'S NO
POSSIBLE JUSTIFICATION FOR
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HAVING 100 ROUNDS IN A WEAPON.
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WHAT DO YOU THINK, THE DEER
WEARING KEVLAR VESTS?
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>> Stephen: NO, BUT THEY WILL IN
THE NEXT STALLONE MOVIE.
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"BAM BOW!"
BUT WHILE BIDEN MADE SOME GREAT
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POINTS, NOT
EVERYBODY WAS ENTHRALLED.
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TED CRUZ STARTED NODDING OFF.
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ALTHOUGH CRUZ SAID HE WAS ONLY
ESCORTING HIS DAUGHTERS TO
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DREAMLAND AND IS PLANNING ON
COMING RIGHT BACK.
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BIDEN WANTS CONGRESS TO PAY FOR
ALL OF HIS PLANS WITH A SERIES
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OF TAX INCREASES FOR THE RICH.
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AND BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING, NO,
THAT'S NOT SOCIALISM.
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AS ADAM SMITH HIMSELF WROTE, THE
MARKET WILL REGULATE ITSELF
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THROUGH THE INVISIBLE HAND,
UNLESS THERE'S SOME BILLIONAIRE
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SHOOTING SPORTS CARS INTO SPACE,
IN WHICH CASE, TAX THAT BEE-ACH.
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WHAT DID WE SEE TONIGHT?
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THE OLDEST PRESIDENT OF ALL TIME
NO HANDSHAKES, JUST FIST
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BUMPING.
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200 PEOPLE IN THE ROOM, AND
EVERYBODY IN MASKS.
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IT HASN'T FELT THAT NORMAL IN
FIVE YEARS.
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AND IN THE END, I GOT TO SAY, I
THINK HE DID A PRETTY GOOD--
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WHAT'S THE WORD?
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>> JOB, JOB, JOB,<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i>
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>> Stephen: GOT TO DO IT.
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OF COURSE, THIS SPEECH WASN'T
THE ONLY BIG STORY TODAY.
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WE GOT SOME GOOD NEWS FOR
AMERICA AND SOME VERY BAD NEWS
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FOR FORMER PRESIDENTIAL LAWYER
RUDY GIULIANI, SEEN HERE IN A
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STANDOFF WITH A RACCOON OVER AN
OLD PIZZA BOX.
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TODAY, ACTING ON A WARRANT,
FEDERAL INVESTIGATORS SEARCHED
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RUDY GIULIANI'S APARTMENT AND
OFFICE AT ABOUT 6:00 A.M.
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COME ON!
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THAT'S WAY TOO EARLY!
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RUDY'S NOT HIMSELF UNTIL HE'S
HAD HIS FIRST CUP OF HOT
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BREAKFAST WINE.
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<i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
I'LL TELL YOU EVERYTHING ABOUT
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IT IN MY NEW HOPEFULLY VERY
LONG-RUNNING SEGMENT, "RUDY,
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RUDY, FRESH AND SCROOTY."
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>> NO, NO, I'M AMERICA'S MAYOR.
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( FARTING ).
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>> Stephen: THIS RAID IS A BIG
DEAL.
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THE F.B.I. DOESN'T JUST POP IN
TO YOUR APARTMENT TO BORROW A
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CUP OF JUSTICE.
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IT MEANS THERE'S PROBABLE CAUSE
THAT GIULIANI COMMITTED A
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FEDERAL CRIME.
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OH, TOUGH BREAK FOR RUDY, THE
ONLY LAWYER DUMB ENOUGH TO
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DEFEND HIM JUST GOT RAIDED BY
THE FEDS.
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WHICH OF RUDY, COUSIN-KISSING
IDIOT CAPER IS THIS FOR?
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IT GOES BACK TO THE LATEST OR
LAST PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION AND
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RUDY'S ATTEMPT TO DIG UP DIRT ON
HUNTER BIDEN IN UKRAINE WITH LEV
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PARNAS AND IGOR FRUMAN, THE NEW
COVER MODELS FOR OGAR GOON
[683]
MONTHLY.
[684]
THEY WERE ARRESTED IN 2019 AND
THAT INVESTIGATION LED TO
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QUESTIONS ABOUT WHETHER RUDY
HELPED THEM ILLEGALLY LOBBY THE
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LAST ADMINISTRATION ON BEHALF OF
UKRAINIAN OFFICIALS AND
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OLIGARCHS.
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WE DON'T KNOW IF THOSE TWO GUYS
TIPPED OFF THE FEDS.
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IT COULD HAVE BEEN ANYONE.
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RUDY IS CONSTANTLY DEALING WITH
LEAKS.
[704]
PROSECUTORS ARE ABOUT TO LEARN
MORE ABOUT RUDY'S INVOLVEMENT IN
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UKRAINE, BECAUSE DURING TODAY'S
RAID, THEY SEIZED HIS ELECTRONIC
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DEVICES.
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OH, NOW, THEY TOOK HIS CELL
PHONE.
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NOW HE'LL HAVE TO BUTT-DIAL
REPORTERS ON THE LANDLINE.
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THE FEDS ALSO EXECUTED A SEARCH
WARRANT AT THE HOME OF VICTORIA
[725]
TENSING, A LAWYER CLOSE TO
GIULIANI, WHO HAD DEALINGS WITH
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UKRAINIANS IN THE EFFORT TO FIND
DAMAGING INFORMATION ABOUT THE
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BIDENS.
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ANYTHING CONNECTED TO RUDY
GIULIANI IS UNDER SCRUT NO.
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SO LAWYER UP IF YOU OWN A
LANDSCAPING COMPANY BETWEEN A
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CREMATORIUM AND A A DILDOUGHHUT
THAT'S A CHAIN, ISN'T IT?
[750]
YES.
[751]
THIS STORY IS ONLY GOING TO GET
BIGGER.
[752]
LUCKILY I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE
FOLLOWING IT.
[754]
HERE IS ONE OF RUDY'S NEIGHBORS
THIS MORNING AFTER THE RAID.
[757]
>> MY EX-HUSBAND CALLED ME AND
SAID, "HAVE YOU SEEN WHAT'S
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GOING ON?"
AND I-- I SAID-- HE SAID, "NO,
[764]
LOOK OUT YOUR WINDOW."
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I JUST SAW PEOPLE.
[770]
I PROBABLY SAW F.B.I. JACKETS.
[771]
BUT I JUST SAW PEOPLE.
[773]
YOU KNOW, AND I SAW ALL OF YOU,
AND-- AND I SAID, "WHAT IS GOING
[780]
ON?"
>> Stephen: AND WHILE I HAVE
[781]
YOU, I HAVE TO SAY, YOU CAN'T
REDO THE FLOORS IN THE LOBBY
[785]
WHILE YOU'RE ALSO REDOING THE
ELEVATORS.
[787]
IT'S TOO MUCH!
[788]
MY DOG IS STRESSED OUT.
[789]
HE JUST POOPED IN HIS STROLLER.
[790]
MY DAUGHTER IS COMING OVER AND
SHE'S STILL SINGLE WITH THAT
[793]
HAIR CUT I'M NOT SURPRISED.
[795]
WE HAVE A GREAT LIVE, LIVE SHOW
FOR YOU TONIGHT.
[800]
MY GUEST IS BERNIE SANDERS.
[804]
AND LATER, "MEANWHILE."
[805]
STICK AROUND.
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