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Trump Labels The Trade War A 'Little Squabble' - YouTube
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WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
TO "THE LATE SHOW."
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I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
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<i> ( CHEERS )</i>
TODAY, DONALD TRUMP NOT IN
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WASHINGTON.
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HE WAS OUT AND ABOUT.
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TODAY, I BELIEVE, HE WENT TO
LOUISIANA-- THE BIG SLEAZY IN
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THE BIG EASY.
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WHEN HE ARRIVED, THE LOUISIANA
LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR GREETED
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HIM WITH BIG HAIRY TRUMP SOCKS.
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<i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
I KIND OF LIKE THOSE.
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I WOULDN'T MIEWND A PAIR OF
THOSE MYSELF.
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<i> ( AS TRUMP )</i>
"NICE SOCKS, NICE SOCKS, BUT IF
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YOU REALLY LOVED ME, YOU'D GET
MY FACE AS A TRAMP STAMP LIKE
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BILL BARR DID."
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FUN FACT-- THAT'S A TRUE STORY.
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THAT'S A TRUE STORY.
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THAT'S A TRUE STORY, YEAH.
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FUN FACT: THOSE SOCKS WERE MADE
IN C
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FUTURE BY NEVER LETTING GO OF
THE PAST.
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>> THAT BEAUTIFUL DAY IN
NOVEMBER 2016.
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I'M SURE NOBODY REMEMBERS THE
BEAUTIFUL DAY.
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DOES ANYBODY REMEMBER THAT?
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THAT'S ONE OF THE HIGHEST RATED
DAYS IN THE HISTORY OF
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TELEVISION.
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<i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
ONE OF THE HIGHEST!
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ONE OF THE HIGHEST RATED DAYS.
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DID ANYBODY NOT WATCH TELEVISION
THAT NIGHT?
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ALL OVER THE WORLD THEY WERE
WATCHING!
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>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
"YES, IT WAS A MUST-SEE
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TELEVISION EVENT.
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EVERYBODY TUNED IN TO SEE ME
RIDE MY DRAGON AND BURN
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WASHINGTON TO THE GROUND.
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AND PEOPLE COMPLAINED.
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THEY'RE LIKE, WHY WOULD HE DO
THAT?
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I'M TELLING YOU, I'M TELLING
YOU, I DON'T KNOW WHY PEOPLE
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COMPLAINED.
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THE WRITERS HAD BEEN HINTING ALL
SEASON THAT THAT'S HOW WE WERE
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GOING TO WRAP UP DEMOCRACY."
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AND LOOKING AHEAD TO 2020, HE
WENT AFTER JOE BIDEN.
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>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL
HAPPENED TO BIDEN.
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WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?
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I'M LOOKING AT HIM-- I'M LIKE,
THAT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE THE GUY I
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KNEW.
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WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?
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>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
"THE BIDEN I KNEW WORKED IN THE
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WHITE HOUSE.
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WHERE IS HE?
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I NEVER SEE HIM AROUND."
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<i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
I'LL TAKE IT.
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I'LL TAKE IT.
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I'LL TAKE IT.
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THEN, IN A BRIEF TANGENT ABOUT
WIND POWER, HE ASKED THE
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QUESTION WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING
TO HEAR:
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>> YOU WANT TO SEE A BIRD
CEMETERY?
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>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
"DO YOU WANT TO?
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I'LL TAKE YOU THERE.
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IT'S CALLED K.F.C.
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SO SAD, SO CRISPY."
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EXTRA SAD, EXTRA CRISPY."
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TRUMP'S NOT JUST TILTING AT
WINDMILLS.
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HE'S ALSO JOUSTING WITH CHINA.
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AND I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON THE
LATEST IN OUR ONGOING SEGMENT:
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♪ TRADE WAR, HUH,
WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR?
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♪ I AM REALLY ASKING
SAY IT AGAIN, Y'ALL ♪
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>> Stephen: THANK YOU, JON.
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THANK YOU VERY MUCH, THANK YOU
VERY MUCH.
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I WANT TO POINT OUT THAT'S THE
SECOND TIME YOU'VE SUNG THAT IN
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THE SHOW, AND YOU END WITH "SAY
IT AGAIN, Y'ALL," AND WE NEVER
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SAID SAI IT AGAIN.
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>> Jon: I KNOW.
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>> Stephen: IT'S AN EMPTY CALL
FOR ACTION, I'M SAYING.
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LAST WEEK, DONALD TRUMP IMPOSED
25% TARIFFS ON $200 BILLION
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WORTH OF CHINESE GOODS.
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SO YESTERDAY, CHINA RETALIATED
WITH TARIFFS ON $60 BILLION OF
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AMERICAN PRODUCTS, INCLUDING
BEER, WINE, AND SWIMSUITS,
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EXPLAINING THE NEW MTV SHOW:
"SPRING BREAK SHANGHAI: SOBER
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AND NAKED."
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<i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THAT GUY IS JACKED.
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THAT GUY IS JACKED.
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<i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
NOW, THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION IS
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THINKING ABOUT HITTING CHINA
BACK WITH TARIFFS THAT WOULD
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COVER NEARLY EVERY CONSUMER
PRODUCT LEFT UNTOUCHED BY
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PREVIOUS TARIFFS, INCLUDING
CELL PHONES, LAPTOPS, AND TABLET
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COMPUTERS.
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BUT WITHOUT OUR DEVICES,
AMERICANS WOULD HAVE TO TALK TO
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EACH OTHER.
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THAT-- THAT WON'T WORK!
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WE CAN'T EVEN AGREE ON THE COLOR
OF THIS SNEAKER.
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IT IS LIGHT GRAY AND GREEN, OR I
WILL SEE YOU IN HELL!
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WHAT WAS I TALKING ABOUT?
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RIGHT, TRADE WAR.
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>> Jon: WHAT'S IT GOOD FOR.
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>> Stephen: TRADE WAR.
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TRUMP IS NOT WORRIED, AS HE
DEMONSTRATED BY GETTING UP AT
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6:30 A.M. AND CALMLY SENDING OUT
TEN TWEETS, INCLUDING THIS ONE:
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"WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT, WE WILL
MAKE A DEAL WITH CHINA.
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MY RESPECT AND FRIENDSHIP WITH
PRESIDENT XI IS UNLIMITED, BUT
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AS I HAVE TOLD HIM MANY TIMES
BEFORE, THIS MUST BE A GREAT
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DEAL FOR THE UNITED STATES, OR
IT JUST DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE."
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LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
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LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
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HIS FRIENDSHIP AND RESPECT FOR
XI IS UNLIMITED.
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HE WON'T EVEN SAY THAT ABOUT HIS
WIVES.
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<i> ( AS TRUMP )</i>
"I WILL LOVE, HONOR, AND CHERISH
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YOU ALL THE DAYS, UP UNTIL THE
EXPIRATION DATE TATTOOED ON THE
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BACK OF YOUR NECK."
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<i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
NOW, TRUMP STAYED UPBEAT,
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PREDICTING, "WE CAN MAKE A DEAL
WITH CHINA TOMORROW, BEFORE
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THEIR COMPANIES START LEAVING,
SO AS NOT TO LOSE U.S.A.
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BUSINESS.
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BUT THE LAST TIME WE WERE CLOSE,
THEY WANTED TO RENEGOTIATE THE
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DEAL.
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NO WAY!
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WE ARE IN A MUCH BETTER POSITION
NOW THAN ANY DEAL WE COULD HAVE
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MADE.
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WILL BE TAKING IN DOT, DOT, DOT,
DOT, DOT, BILLIONS OF DOLLARS,
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AND MOVING JOBS BACK TO THE
U.S.A. WHERE THEY BELONG.
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OTHER COUNTRIES ARE ALREADY
NEGOTIATING WITH US BECAUSE THEY
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DON'T WANT THIS TO HAPPEN TO
THEM.
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THEY MUST BE A PART OF U.S.A.
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ACTION.
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THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN DONE BY
OUR LEADERS MANY YEARS AGO.
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ENJOY!"<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i>
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<i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
>> Stephen: REALLY?
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YES, ENJOY THE TRADE WAR!
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LET'S RIDE THE ECONOMY ALL THE
WAY DOWN.
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"WEEEEEEEE...
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ARE SO SCREWED."
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NOW, THIS MORNING, TRUMP WAS
ASKED ABOUT THE TRADE WAR, AND
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HE HAD A MILDER TERM FOR IT.
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>> WE'RE HAVING A LITTLE
SQUABBLE WITH CHINA.
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>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
"A SQUABBLE!
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IT'S A SQUABBLE.
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WE'VE HAD LOTS OF SQUABBLES
THROUGHOUT HISTORY.
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WE HAD WORLD SQUABBLE ONE, WORLD
SQUABBLE TWO.
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MY FAVORITE SHOW."
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THEN TRUMP WAS CONFRONTED BY HIS
ANCIENT ENEMY, THE FOLLOW-UP
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QUESTION.
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>> YOU SAY IT'S A SMALL
SQUABBLE.
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DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT
AMERICANS WILL SUFFER BECAUSE OF
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THIS?
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>> YEAH.
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SO, YOU HAVE NO TARIFF TO PAY
WHATSOEVER IF YOU'RE A BUSINESS.
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ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS BUILD OR
MAKE YOUR PRODUCT IN THE UNITED
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STATES.
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THERE'S NO TARIFF WHATSOEVER.
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SO THAT REALLY WORKS OUT VERY
WELL.
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>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH, IT
WORKS OUT WELL.
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TO STOP PAYING TARIFFS, ALL YOU
HAVE TO DO IS STOP USING
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PRODUCTS MADE IN CHINA.
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THAT'S GOING TO BE AWKWARD FOR
TRUMP.
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HE'S GOING TO HAVE TO STOP USING
HIS TIES.
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AND HIS HAIR, I'M GUESSING?
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I'M NOT SURE--<i>
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
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THAT'S MOSTLY SHEETROCK, RIGHT?
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THAT'S GYPSUM.
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OF COURSE, THE PEOPLE SUFFERING
THE MOST IN THIS TRADE WAR ARE
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AMERICA'S FARMERS.
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CHINA HAS HAD TARIFFS ON
AGRICULTURAL PRODUCTS FOR ALMOST
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A YEAR NOW, SO, OF COURSE, TRUMP
CALLED THAT A WIN, TWEETING,
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"OUR GREAT PATRIOT FARMERS WILL
BE ONE OF THE BIGGEST
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BENEFICIARIES OF WHAT IS
HAPPENING NOW.
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HOPEFULLY, CHINA WILL DO US THE
HONOR OF CONTINUING TO BUY OUR
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GREAT FARM PRODUCT, THE BEST.
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BUT IF NOT, YOUR COUNTRY WILL BE
MAKING UP THE DIFFERENCE."
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DID HE SAY "FARM PRODUCT?"
I'M NOT SURE HE KNOWS WHAT GROWS
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ON FARMS.
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<i> ( AS TRUMP )</i>
"YOU KNOW, FARM PRODUCT.
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AMBER WAVES OF THE BROWN GRASS
STUFF, THE NON-CARBONATED WHITE
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COW COLA, AND THE GREEN THING
YOU TAKE OFF THE BURGER."
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TRUMP IS PROMISING--<i>
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
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"GREEN THING YOU TAKE OFF THE
BURGER."
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TRUMP IS PROMISING FARMERS
$15 BILLION IN SUBSIDIES TO
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REPLACE THE MONEY CHINA WOULD
HAVE SPENT ON FARM PRODUCT.
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BUT DUE TO PLUNGING COMMODITY
PRICES, MANY FARMERS THINK THAT
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WON'T BE ENOUGH TO CUSHION THE
BLOW.
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WELL, ONE MAN DOESN'T COTTON TO
THESE FARMERS' COMPLAINTS,
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ARKANSAS SENATOR AND "NECK
MAGAZINE'S" NECK OF THE YEAR,
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TOM COTTON.
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SENATOR COTTON WAS ASKED ABOUT
THE SACRIFICE FARMERS ARE
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MAKING, AND HE WAS NOT
IMPRESSED.
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>> THERE WILL BE SOME SACRIFICE
ON THE PART OF AMERICANS, I
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GRANT YOU THAT.
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BUT I ALSO WOULD SAY THAT
SACRIFICE IS PRETTY MINIMAL
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COMPARED TO THE SACRIFICES THAT
OUR SOLDIERS MAKE OVERSEAS OR
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THAT OUR FALLEN HEROES WHO ARE
LAID TO REST IN ARLINGTON MAKE.
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>> Stephen: WOW.
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THAT IS TRUE, BUT IT'S A WEIRD
WAY TO GET OUT OF ANSWERING THE
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QUESTION.
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"HONEY, DID YOU TAKE THE GARBAGE
OUT?"
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"NO, BUT NEITHER DID THE MEN WHO
LAID DOWN THEIR LIVES AT D-DAY!
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YOU TELL THEM THAT TOMORROW IS
RECYCLING!
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YOU TELL THEM TO SEPARATE THEIR
PAPERS FROM PLASTICS.
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NOW DARE YOU!
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HOW DARE YOU!"<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i>
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SPEAKING OF POLITICIANS USING
THE TROOPS, WE MIGHT BE GOING TO
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SQUABBLE WITH IRAN.
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TENSIONS HAVE BEEN ESCALATING
EVER SINCE TRUMP PULLED OUT OF
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THE IRAN NUCLEAR DEAL, AND TODAY
WE LEARNED THAT TRUMP'S NATIONAL
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SECURITY ADVISORS HAVE COME UP
WITH A PLAN TO DEPLOY AS MANY AS
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120,000 TROOPS.
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TRADE WAR, WAR-WAR-- IS THERE
ANY KIND OF WAR TRUMP ISN'T
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ABOUT TO START?
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FLAME WAR?
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CUPCAKE WAR?
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<i> ( AS TRUMP )</i>
"I WILL DEPLOY 120,000 CUPCAKES
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TO THE TROUBLED REGION OF MY
MOUTH."
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TRUMP WAS ASKED-- TRUMP WAS--<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i>
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"SO SAD.
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WE LOST SO MANY CUPCAKES.
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WE LOST SO MANY CUPCAKES.
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TRUMP WAS ASKED ABOUT IT THIS
MORNING.
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>> ARE YOU PLANNING TO SEND
120,000 TROOPS TO THE MIDDLE
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EAST IN RESPONSE TO IRAN?
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>> I THINK IT'S FAKE NEWS,
OKAY?
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NOW, WOULD I DO THAT?
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ABSOLUTELY.
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<i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
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"THAT IS THE MOST INSANE THING
I'VE EVER HEARD.
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SOUNDS LIKE ME."
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<i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
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TONIGHT.
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THE NEW TEAM FROM "CBS THIS
MORNING" IS HERE!
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STICK AROUND.
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