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The Harshest Burns from the Roast of Justin Bieber - YouTube
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[1]
What do you get when you give
a teenager $200 million?
[3]
A bunch of has-beens calling you
a lesbian for two hours.
[6]
[laughter and applause]
[11]
It's an honor to be at a roast
hosted by Shaq's dick.
[16]
Wow, Ludacris and Snoop Dogg
are here.
[19]
If I was 38,
I'd be freaking out right now.
[23]
You might know
Ludacris from your mom's
[24]
That's What I Call Music CD.
[30]
Come on, let's hear it
for Shaq, right?
[31]
[cheers and applause]
[33]
Thanks for being here and taking
a break from throwing barrels
[35]
at Super Mario.
[laughs]
[37]
[laughs]
Please don't eat me.
[39]
Shaq has shattered eight
backboards and 79 cervixes.
[45]
Snoop's son just got accepted
to play division
[47]
one college football.
Yeah.
[50]
So Snoop Dogg
found out he has a son.
[53]
And now speaking of someone
who probably doesn't know
[56]
he has a son,
Justin Bieber is here.
[58]
Justin, you know,
I lost my dad on 9/11,
[61]
and I always regretted
growing up without a dad,
[64]
until I met your dad, Justin.
Now I'm glad mine's dead.
[72]
And now for
the greatest transition
[74]
in the history of comedy,
two people from the movie
[77]
Soul Plane are here.
[78]
Soul Plane was the worst
experience of my life
[81]
involving a plane.
[85]
There is a lot of
star power up here.
[89]
These men combined have made
[90]
millions in child
support payments.
[93]
[cheers and applause]
[94]
Kevin does all
of his own stunts.
[96]
He climbs into his own chair.
He goes up on his wife.
[100]
[cheers and applause]
[102]
You know, a lot of people
don't know this.
[104]
"Shaquille" is an Arabic
name for "handsome,"
[107]
and "O'Neal" is the Irish word
for "just kidding."
[115]
Shaq's dick is so big, he has to
use Dropbox to send a dick pic.
[124]
Jeff Ross, it's great
to see you here
[126]
once a year at these roasts.
How's the Uber driving going?
[132]
Chris D'Elia finally answers
the question,
[134]
"What if Dane Cook had half
the talent and a rich father?"
[140]
I'm excited Snoop's here.
[145]
Snoop, you look like
Shaq's skeleton.
[147]
[cheers and applause]
[148]
All these rappers on stage,
[150]
and Martha Stewart has done
the most jail time.
[153]
[cheers and applause]
[155]
Now, that's not fair.
Justin Bieber, everybody.
[160]
[cheers and applause]
[162]
Seems like only yesterday
you were discovered on YouTube.
[166]
Time flies when
you're a piece of shit.
[171]
Justin, Selena Gomez
had to [bleep] you.
[174]
She is literally
the least lucky Selena
[177]
in all of entertainment
history.
[181]
In case you didn't know,
I am Shaquille O'Neal.
[184]
Shaq Diesel...
[185]
and Martha Stewart's baby daddy.
[189]
And trust me, Martha know
how to work that mother[bleep],
[191]
boy,
let me tell you.
[192]
Once you go Shaq,
you never go back.
[194]
Ain't that right, Martha?
[196]
But I'm not the only baller
here tonight.
[198]
What's up, Snoop?
What it do baby?
[200]
Snoop made a reggae album.
[202]
If you're a rap fan,
you may not have it.
[204]
But if you're a reggae fan,
[205]
I know you don't [bleep]
have it.
[209]
Look at all these scrubs
on the stage.
[212]
Chris D'Elia, Hannibal, Natasha,
Pete Davidson, Jeff Ross--
[218]
I haven't seen a more
disappointing lineup
[220]
since the last Lakers game.
[223]
Look at Jeff--Jeff got a body
like a cafeteria lady.
[230]
Justin, as a father of six,
you gotta straighten up, son.
[233]
You know, last year
you were ranked
[235]
the fifth most hated person
of all time.
[238]
Kim Jong-Un
didn't even score that low.
[241]
And he uses your music
to [bleep] torture people.
[245]
But thanks to that music,
[246]
Justin is worth
over $200 million...
[250]
and in prison,
four packs of Cools.
[255]
Justin got a tattoo of Jesus
on his calf.
[258]
Why you gotta bring
Jesus in your mess?
[265]
Baby is the most hated
video online, like,
[267]
statistically if you check
that shit out, okay,
[269]
and there are also
ISIS videos online, okay?
[273]
That means that someone saw
a video with a guy screaming,
[276]
"Death to America" and sawing
someone's head off and thought,
[278]
"Nope, still not worse
than Bieber featuring Luda
[280]
in a bowling alley."
Thank you.
[286]
Thank you, guy half my age.
[laughs]
[288]
Seriously, man,
I'm proud of you.
[290]
You have it all.
[291]
You literally are a guy
who has it all,
[293]
except for respect,
love, friends,
[295]
good parents, and a Grammy.
[298]
I know you're all wondering
why I'm here tonight.
[301]
It's because
Martha Stewart changes
[304]
people's lives for the better.
I believe the bedroom
[307]
is the most
important room in the house,
[309]
but I don't have
to tell you that, Ludacris.
[311]
You have three kids
with three different women.
[314]
May I suggest
pulling out sometime,
[316]
and finishing on some fine,
[318]
highly absorbent
Martha Stewart bed linens?
[322]
[cheers and applause]
[326]
Let's get to the reason
I'm here tonight,
[327]
which is to give Justin Bieber
some tips to use
[331]
when he inevitably
ends up in prison.
[334]
The first thing
you'll need is a shank.
[336]
I made mine out of a pintail
comb and a pack of gum.
[342]
I found Bubblicious works best,
and it's so much fun to say.
[348]
You see, when I did my stretch,
[350]
all the hood rats
on my cellblock
[352]
wanted to break off
a piece of Martha Stewart's ass,
[355]
so I walked into the chow hall,
[358]
picked out the biggest bull
[bleep], and I stuck her.
[362]
From then on, prison was easier
than making blueberry scones.
[366]
[cheers and applause]
[368]
Shaq, I hope your mom
doesn't still hold a grudge.
[374]
So, Justin, my final piece
of advice is call me, or--
[379]
[cheers and applause]
Or not. I'm out, bitch.
[383]
[cheers and applause]
[385]
Martha Stewart's here
because Paula Deen refused
[387]
to sit
with this many black folk.
[390]
Martha, I want to [bleep]
you so bad.
[394]
I bet your pubic hair
is 50 shades of gray.
[398]
Martha went to prison
for dumping worthless stock
[401]
for idiot consumers to buy,
which reminds me,
[404]
Ludacris' new album
drops tomorrow.
[407]
But enough about Ludacris,
let's talk about "food-acris,"
[410]
Shaquille O'Neal.
[411]
Shaq's dick is so big,
he uses it as a selfie stick.
[416]
Snoop, you look like
a retired WNBA player.
[421]
The only person that's inhaled
more smoke than Snoop
[423]
is Pete Davidson's dad
inside the World Trade Center.
[429]
Thanks, Pete.
[430]
Justin, I feel like
the roast fans
[431]
really want blood this time,
even though most of your fans
[435]
haven't even gotten
their periods yet.
[437]
But if you can take a joke,
[439]
then so can the Beliebers
watching tonight,
[441]
because face it, Biebs, you've
become a cocky little shit.
[445]
You are the King Joffrey of pop.
[447]
[cheers and applause]
[450]
Anyway, Biebs, you have
such a huge career behind you.
[452]
And as you sat here
taking it like a man tonight,
[457]
you were probably thinking
that none of us
[459]
know what we're talking about,
[461]
'cause you're gonna
fly out of here
[462]
on a private jet
full of cash and models,
[465]
and we'll all be
trying to finger-bang Martha
[466]
Stewart at the afterparty.
[468]
And you know what, Biebs,
you're right.
[470]
And I know you'll never end up
[471]
like Kurt Cobain
or Amy Winehouse...
[475]
respected.
Yeah. I don't need no warm-up.
[480]
I've been smoking and drinking.
I feel real good about myself.
[483]
[cheers and applause]
[485]
Justin's life changed when
Usher heard one of his songs
[487]
and liked it, which only goes
to prove that Usher ain't black.
[494]
Now Justin, most niggas,
like myself,
[497]
we go a little crazy
when we get famous.
[499]
But, nigga,
you bought a monkey.
[503]
I mean, that monkey
was more embarrassed
[507]
than the one that started
the AIDS epidemic.
[510]
It's amazing to have
Kevin Hart and Shaq here.
[513]
Is this a roast or is this Tyler
Perry's Of Mice and Men?
[520]
Shaq's a very unique player
in NBA history.
[522]
He's the first player
in NBA history
[525]
to have his shoe size, IQ,
[528]
and jersey
all be the same number.
[531]
Shaq is a police officer
in Florida.
[534]
If you want to escape from Shaq,
just jog slowly away from him
[538]
'cause that's--
And he'll fall eventually.
[542]
Snoop is here. Snoop Dogg.
Snoop D-O-double-G.
[545]
Snoop is like
a cool-ass salamander.
[547]
Snoop, the only way
you'll get another hit
[549]
is if you stand behind Suge
Knight's car in a parking lot.
[553]
Chris--I don't know
if you know this about Chris.
[555]
He doesn't smoke weed.
He doesn't drink.
[557]
He's never done any drugs.
[558]
His only vice is performing
horrible standup comedy
[563]
all around the country.
It's good to see Comedy Central
[566]
diversifying its talent with
whatever race Pete Davidson is.
[571]
You just look real--
You're just real vague, man.
[573]
You have a weird,
vague-ass face,
[575]
and I don't like it.
You seem like a nice person,
[578]
but when I talk to you,
I don't have fun.
[580]
And now the man of the hour.
Justin Bieber.
[582]
They say that you roast
the ones you love,
[584]
but I don't like you
at all, man.
[585]
I'm just here 'cause this is
a real good opportunity for me.
[590]
I hate your music, man.
[592]
I hate your music more than
Bill Cosby hates my comedy.
[595]
[cheers and applause]
[601]
Listen, I don't have
a lot of time, all right?
[605]
I'm currently over at stage
24 hosting Spike TV's
[610]
"Your Mother's a Fat Bitch"
awards show.
[615]
As far as I'm concerned,
this guy is doing it right.
[619]
Here's a couple things I know.
October 18th, 2010,
[623]
Bieber accused of assaulting
a 12-year-old
[625]
at a laser tag arena.
Kaboom!
[629]
March 4th, 2013, two hours late
to a concert in Dubai
[632]
because he refused
to stop playing a video game.
[635]
Say what?
If anything, Justin Bieber,
[637]
not only do you need
to continue to live your life
[638]
with the same reckless abandon,
I suggest you turn up the heat.
[643]
Look, I'm new to comedy,
but here's a joke, all right?
[646]
What do you get when you give
a teenager $200 million?
[649]
A bunch of has-beens calling you
a lesbian for two hours.
[653]
[laughter and applause]
[657]
All right, all right.
I'm playing.
[664]
Kevin is so short, he calls
Lil Wayne "Wayne."
[668]
I love Kevin Hart's career plan.
[670]
Do everything Martin
Lawrence did, only shittier.
[674]
And, Martha,
thanks for coming.
[676]
I know that's probably something
you don't do much of anymore.
[682]
I'm a huge fan
of Chris D'Elia.
[684]
Chris gets a ton of girls.
You want to know why?
[687]
'Cause I'm a big fan
of Chris D'Elia.
[689]
That's right. That's right, hey.
Thank you. Luda.
[694]
Luda and I had a lot of hours
making the song Baby together.
[697]
In fact, he told me
it was the only baby
[699]
he ever made on purpose.
Snoop Doggy
[704]
Dogg, what's up, man?
He's way too shy to admit this,
[707]
but he was actually
the Billboard's top male artist
[709]
the year I was born.
And look at you now, Snoop.
[712]
You're one of the ten
dudes at my roast
[714]
sitting right next to Martha
Stewart and that Hannibal guy.
[716]
How cool is this?
So cool. You made it.
[721]
I'm proud of you, man.
I'm proud of you.
[728]
Thank you so much
and good night.
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