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Trump’s Deposition on “Dangerous Fruit” & Biden’s $7 Billion Military Mistake | The Daily Show - YouTube
Channel: The Daily Show with Trevor Noah
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the latest news from afghanistan for
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months now we have known that the biden
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administration completely botched the
[7]
exit of american troops from america's
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longest war yeah even the game of
[10]
thrones guys were like rough ending but
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now for the first time we're learning
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the details of how costly this mistake
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actually was
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we do have some new cnn reporting this
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morning the u.s left behind seven
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billion dollars worth of military
[26]
equipment in the chaotic withdrawal from
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afghanistan last year that equipment now
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in the hands of the taliban what kind of
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equipment is it according to the report
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a few details aircraft munitions
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military vehicles weapons communications
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gear a lot of it it requires a very
[44]
precise maintenance to remain usable
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they don't know if the taliban have been
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able to keep all of this stuff running
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that's a that's a key question that they
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may never get an answer to they left
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seven billion dollars worth of military
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equipment in afghanistan how is that
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even possible
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like because i get anxiety leaving a
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hotel in a hurry you know i get that you
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know like when you're rushing and then
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you forget your toothbrush but let me
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tell you something if i left seven
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billion dollars worth of toothbrushes
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we're turning this uber around people
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we're going back
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now according to the people who left the
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stuff behind and this this was really
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interesting they say this might not be
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an issue because they say the taliban
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might not be able to operate this stuff
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anyway because of how complicated it is
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and first of all i feel like they're
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just saying that to cover their ass
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second of all how they're gonna act like
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the taliban doesn't have youtube you can
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find anything on youtube
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anything
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you're telling me only americans can use
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this equipment but the taliban can't
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they're acting like to turn the tank on
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you have to say sing like the theme song
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to friends you know you just gotta be
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like come on guys you gotta get the
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claps right
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it's not working what's happening
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here's my question here's my question
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america never has the money for anything
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right there's not enough money for
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health care there's not enough money for
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education there's not enough money to
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finally finish the washington monument
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by putting two balls on it but
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america has no problem with leaving
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behind seven billion dollars worth of
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weapons
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how come that never happens
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any other way like just once i would
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love to turn on the news and hear
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something like
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this just in the government has too much
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money for health care
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so everyone gets a free butt lift
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it's mind-boggling people it's
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mind-boggling how much money america
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wastes on the military and don't let
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them trick you into saying like oh no it
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goes to the troops because it doesn't go
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to the troops right the troops are not
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balling in the club no the defense
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contractors is where the money goes
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and then you hear these people like well
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we need to spend that money to keep
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people safe but let me ask you this
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what's more threatening to people in
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america a group of rebels in some
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foreign country or health care nobody
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can afford toxic drinking water poverty
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pollution because if i was america i
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would spend my war money on the biggest
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threats yeah that's what i would do and
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then i would send the taliban flint's
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old water pipes that's how it fights
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you don't need missiles just send that
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yeah try drinking now
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all right but let's move on to england
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the world's number one exporter of
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benedict cumberbatchers
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as you may know
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uk parliament can be a pretty rowdy
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place you know every day people are
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shouting and booing at each other like
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the crowd at the world's pastiest rap
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battle but
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it turns out
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that there is something that you're not
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allowed to do on the floor as one
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british politician found out the
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conservative party has launched an
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investigation into claims by some of its
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female mps that a tory colleague watched
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porn on his mobile phone in the house of
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commons itself who is the tory mp
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accused of watching pornography in the
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commons we still don't know but
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government ministers have lined up today
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to condemn him saying there's no place
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for pornography in any workplace the mp
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could be suspended and thrown out of the
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conservative party and the story has
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reignited criticism of the overall
[252]
culture in parliament a member of the
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uk's conservative party was caught
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watching porn during a session
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and now he could be expelled for it
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and i'll be honest i'm just trying to
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understand the motivation here
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no no like like what part of parliament
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made this guy want to watch porn
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like what what turned him on
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was there some new legislation that was
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getting him hot
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you know was there some other minister
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who was like this country is going
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deeper and deeper into debts we cannot
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pull out at this point
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oh boy
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oh boy
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and you know if you ask me kicking him
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out wasn't the right punishment man what
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they should be doing is what parents do
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when they catch a kid smoking cigarettes
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yeah they should force him to watch all
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of pornhub
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i'll teach him a lesson he'll be like oh
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i've seen all the categories i didn't
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know existed please oh who knew congress
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had cocaine or jesus
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that's too much mitch mcconnell oh
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[Applause]
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i can't like that you saw him in your
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mind that was funny one of you was like
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ah i saw it trevor
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i mean look i get that britain doesn't
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want its politicians watching porn at
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work you know but i will say i think the
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one exception should be the royal family
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no i i think porn could really open
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their eyes to the beauty of interracial
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relationships you know that could be a
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good thing for them
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oh and finally and finally if you want
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to talk about politicians getting into
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weird trouble
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and there's no better example than
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donald j trump 45th president of the
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united states and phantom of the
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mar-a-lago carving station
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you see the former president
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is currently being sued
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for inciting violence against protesters
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and
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it's gotten serious enough that he was
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actually forced to testify about it
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former president donald trump testified
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under oath he was worried that
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protesters would hurl things at him and
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that they were dangerous as part of his
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deposition from back in october for a
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civil lawsuit in new york where
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activists claimed that the former
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president's bodyguards violently broke
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up protests outside trump tower back in
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2015.
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okay first of all it's crazy that there
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are so many trump scandals that he's
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literally getting dragged into court for
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something we didn't even know was a
[398]
thing like did you know this was a thing
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huh did you
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nobody knew nobody knew about this
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i didn't trump lawsuits are like
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nicholas cage movies there's like a
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bunch where you like he lost the pig
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when did that happen
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[Applause]
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but anyway trump was being sued for
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inciting violence to protesters right
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against protesters rather and then he
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came up with one of the most crazy
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defenses i've ever heard this might be
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my favorite story of the year and to
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fully understand the story you have to
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hear the actual deposition that trump
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gave in the case now unfortunately
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there's no recording
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but fortunately there is a transcript
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so to give you a little taste uh i'm
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gonna get some help from our very own
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michael costa everybody
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for your for your uh understanding and
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enjoyment costa and i are going to read
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sections from the transcript for you now
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he will be reading the parts of various
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lawyers and i will be playing donald
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jackfruit trump and again we're just
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going to read excerpts from the actual
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transcript because i promise you
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no comedy writer is going to come up
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with something funnier than this
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are you guys ready ready
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so
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just so you understand the key section
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begins
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with lawyers playing a video
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from a 2016 trump rally
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if you see somebody getting ready to
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throw a tomato knock the crap out of him
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would you seriously
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[Applause]
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knock the crap out of him would you that
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was your statement
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oh yeah it was
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very dangerous we were threatened
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with what
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they were gonna throw fruit
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we were threatened we had a threat
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how did you become aware that there was
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a threat that people were gonna throw
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fruit we were told we were told
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and you get hit with fruit it's no it's
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very violent stuff we were on alert for
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that
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a tomato is a fruit after all i guess it
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has seeds
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it's worse than a tomato
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it's other things also but tomato when
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they start doing that stuff it's very
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dangerous it's very dangerous stuff you
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can get killed with those things
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i wanted to have people be ready because
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we were put on alert that they were
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gonna do
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they were gonna do to fruit
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and some fruit is a lot worse than
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tomatoes are bad by the way
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but it's very dangerous no i wanted them
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to watch they were on alert
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they were gonna hit they were gonna hit
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hard
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did do you have any knowledge as to
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whether or not anybody was found to have
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tomatoes in their possession on that
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date i don't know
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but it didn't happen it worked out that
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nothing happened we heard it was going
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to happen but nothing happened
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mr president is it your expectation that
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if your security guard sees someone
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about to throw a tomato that they should
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knock the crap out of them well a tomato
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a
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pineapple
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a lot of other things they throw they
[598]
have to be aggressive in stopping that
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from happening because if that happens
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you can be killed if that happens
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and getting aggressive includes the use
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of physical force to stop somebody from
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throwing pineapples
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tomatoes bananas
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stuff like that yeah it's dangerous
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stuff
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i have no further questions
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and
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seen
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thank you very much thank you
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thank you
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i couldn't do without you thank you so
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much thank you
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thank you very much
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our two-man show the president and the
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fruits will be uh
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off-broadway soon again that
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conversation really happened
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with the former president of the united
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states
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i will say this he's not wrong about
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being hit with a pineapple being
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dangerous you know i mean that's got
[653]
spikes built in and a banana too it
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might not seem dangerous but remember if
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someone throws a banana comes right back
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at them so again just throw it at you
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keep hitting you over and over again
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you know what i think the worst fruit is
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to get hit with a honeydew
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yeah no not because it's hard just
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because you could get some of it in your
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mouth and that is disgusting
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like i hope it hits me in the head and
[672]
kills me so i don't have to taste it
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that's what i hope for
[675]
but no people this is serious stuff and
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it's actually caused the secret service
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to alter their methods i'm told that
[681]
we've obtained a classified training
[684]
video that shows how secret service
[686]
protesters are now going to be dealt
[689]
with and here's some of the new training
[698]
incredible
[700]
really incredible
[703]
all right that's it for the headlines
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but before we go let's catch up on this
[707]
weekend's weather forecast with our very
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own desi lighting everybody
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so good to see you uh so desi uh what's
[719]
uh going on everything's great i finally
[722]
disposed of my last burner phones so
[724]
that's really exciting they got nothing
[726]
on me now
[729]
uh i don't know what that meant i i mean
[731]
what's going on with the weather oh oh
[733]
oh oh yeah no i'm glad you asked about
[734]
that because i've been meaning to talk
[736]
to you it has been freezing inside this
[739]
building like
[740]
really cold every single room we got to
[743]
do something about that i mean who set
[745]
the thermostat the patriarchy
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i thought you're gonna do this
[751]
yeah by the way that trump fruit thing
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that really strikes a chord with me have
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you ever been hit in the head with a
[757]
piece of fruit
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no
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never
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no no fruit nothing not like a kiwi or a
[765]
tangerine no clementine no fruit ever
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pear no no fruit
[770]
no fruit some sort of melon like a
[771]
cantaloupe it's still no maraschino
[773]
cherry no an apricot no an apricot
[777]
that's the same thing twice
[779]
i have never been hit by a fruit in the
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head does he lucky lucky lucky wow
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oh by the way can you believe that guy
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got caught watching porn at work right
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passively
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i mean what kind of psychopath watches
[793]
porn passively like it's a commercial or
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something
[797]
all right
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you should be doing one of two things
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when you're watching porn either
[800]
pleasuring yourself or crying while
[803]
pleasuring yourself there's like no in
[805]
between
[806]
even at work you got to really set the
[808]
mood and commit you got to dim the
[810]
lights roll out a bare skin rug
[813]
fill a glass with a piping hot cup of
[816]
french onion soup
[819]
make it nice i thought you were ordering
[821]
the soup because you were sick don't
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kink shame me trevor i don't know
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dezzy could you please just tell us what
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the weather's going to be oh no i i
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haven't been outside in weeks
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no i i got to lay low the whole burner
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phone thing
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what is this about well i would tell you
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but you know you might have to testify
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who
[841]
trevor have you not been listening the
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fruit the porn the
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french onion soup all of that you know
[847]
well frankly now you're implicated so
[850]
you got to think about what you're gonna
[851]
say i don't know anything though ah yes
[853]
exactly say that that's good no no i
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don't know what you're talking about
[857]
tell them that no i told you that i
[858]
don't know what you're doing this is why
[860]
i roll with you i don't really i don't
[861]
know what you're saying
[862]
no i don't roll with you i don't know no
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this is why i roll with you this is why
[865]
we roll i feel like you committed a
[867]
crime and i don't want to be a part of i
[868]
do not roll with you i'm right there
[869]
with you no no you're not desi like
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everybody
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[Music]
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