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John Mulaney Didn't Actually Want A Best Buy Rewards Card | Netflix Is A Joke - YouTube
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- And now there's Nazi's again.
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When I was a kid, Nazi's
was just an analogy
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you would use to decimate your child
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during an argument at the dinner table.
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(audience laughing)
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There's new Nazi's.
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I don't care for these new Nazi's
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and you may quote me on that.
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(audience laughing)
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These new Nazi's, oh Jews are the worst,
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and Jews ruin everything, and Jews
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try to take over your life.
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It's like, "You know what, motherfucker?
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My wife is Jewish.
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I know all that.
(audience cheering)
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How do you know all that?"
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(audience laughing)
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I'm allowed to make fun of my wife.
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I asked her, and she said yes.
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(audience laughing)
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I've been married for about
three and a half years now,
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and I was going out on tour,
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(audience cheer)
and, oh thank you very much,
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and I love and respect my wife very much.
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So I said to her, "Hey, we've been married
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for three and a half years."
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And she knew that.
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I said, "Do you mind if I still
make fun of you on stage?"
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And my wife said, she goes,
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"Yeah, you can make fun of me,
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you can make fun of me,
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but just don't say that I'm a bitch
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and that you don't like me."
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I was like, "Whoa, the
bar is so much lower
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than I ever imagined, that's it?"
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(audience laughing)
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Also, I wouldn't say that, what kind
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of show would that even be?
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Hello, my wife is a bitch!
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(audience laughing)
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And I don't like her!
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That's like a support
group for men in crisis,
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with keynote speakers Jon
Voight and Alec Baldwin.
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(audience laughing)
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Also, I would never say
that, not even as a joke,
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that my wife is a bitch
and I don't like her.
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That is not true.
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My wife is a bitch and I like her so much.
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(audience cheering)
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She is a dynamite five foot
Jewish bitch and she's the best.
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She and I have totally different styles.
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When my wife walks down the street,
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she does not give a shit
what anyone thinks of her
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in any situation, she's my hero.
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When I walk down the street,
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I need everybody, all day
long, to like me so much.
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(audience laughing)
It's exhausting.
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My wife said that walking around with me
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is like walking around with someone
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who's running for mayor of nothing.
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(audience laughing)
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My wife and I went to
Best Buy to get a TV.
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We didn't end up getting the TV.
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I was afraid that the Best Buy guy
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was gonna be mad at me,
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so I bought an HDMI cable.
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And I go up to the register with Anna,
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my wife's name's Anna,
she's standing next to me.
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I hand the guy the HDMI cable.
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He takes it, he scans it, and he says,
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"Do you have a Best Buy rewards card?"
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And I said, "No, I wish."
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(audience laughing)
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And then my wife said, "Jesus Christ,"
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and fully walked away from me.
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Walked all the way over
to the laser printers
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and just stood there, Blair Witch style.
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(audience laughing)
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And I'm still up at the register like...
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And the guy goes,
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"Do you want a Best Buy rewards card?"
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And I said, "No."
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Even though I had just said it
was my greatest wish in life.
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I was hoping he'd believe me,
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that it was secretly my great wish,
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but that I'm in an abusive marriage
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with little miss Jesus Christ over here,
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so I can't ask for the
things I want in public,
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but at home, at night, we argue about it.
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And I'm like, "You'll see.
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One day I'm gonna leave you,
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and I'm gonna get that
Best Buy rewards card."
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She's like, "Jesus Christ.
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(audience laughing)
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You're never gonna get that
Best Buy rewards card!"
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My wife is Jewish, as I said.
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I was raised Catholic.
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We have differences in
our religious upbringings,
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and we realized this recently.
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Not with our kids, 'cause
we don't have any kids.
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People always ask us,
"Are you gonna have kids?"
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And we say, "No."
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And then they go, "Never?
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You're never gonna have kids?"
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Look, I don't know never.
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14 years ago I smoked cocaine
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the night before my college graduation.
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Now I'm afraid to get a flu shot.
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People change.
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(audience laughing)
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(upbeat music)
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