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I can't part with stuff!?! What's going on in our brain... - YouTube
Channel: The Minimal Mom
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Why do I have such a hard
time getting rid of stuff?
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I want to simplify my house,
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maybe you even want to be a
minimalist or maybe not a minimalist,
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but just have less to manage,
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but why when I go to declutter is it
so difficult to get rid of stuff? Well,
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I think today we can explain
it with a coffee mug.
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It's going to make a whole lot more sense,
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but we'll also talk about
how we can move past it too,
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so you can get your house
simplified once and for all.
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So there was a really interesting study
done in the eighties to talk about this
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idea of the endowment effect, basically
when we're endowed with something,
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when we gain possession of something,
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why is it that it becomes
much harder to get rid of it?
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And so they did an interesting
study. It was at Cornell University,
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and so they took mugs from
the gift shop at Cornell.
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They sold in the gift shop for $6
and they had a group of people and
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half of the people received the mug
for free. So it was gifted to them,
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they now had this mug. The other half
of the people did not receive the mug.
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So they asked each group a question.
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For those who had received
the mug, they said,
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if you were going to part with
it, if you were going to sell it,
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what would somebody have to give
you for it? And what they said,
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remember it sold for $6, I can go get a
brand new one in the gift shop for $6.
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They said $5.25.
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That's how much value they placed on this.
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Then they asked the other group who
had not received the mugs, they said,
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how much would you be willing to pay for
this mug? Do you know what they said?
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$2.25. So we're talking
about the exact same mug,
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but this group that already owned it,
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valued it twice as much as the
people who didn't own it yet.
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And what's so funny about this is
Tom and I used to sell real estate.
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Listing appointments were the worst.
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When somebody wanted to sell their house
and you were supposed to go meet with
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them to talk about listing it,
what they're going to sell it for,
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what they think it's worth. And we would
come armed. We would have the data.
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This is what homes have sold for.
This is the cost per square foot.
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This is what new houses cost to
build. And we would lay it all out,
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and we would say, okay, in
our professional opinion,
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we think your house is worth $350,000.
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What would you like to list it for?
And inevitably nine out of 10 times,
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what would they say? Well, we
were thinking more like $400,000.
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When we own something, we put more
value on it and it has a name.
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It's the endowment
effect. Why is that? Well,
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there's a lot of different
theories behind it,
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and we don't have to know all of that,
we just have to know that this exists.
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So when you go then to sit down
and to declutter stuff in your
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house,
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no wonder it's hard to get rid of this
stuff because you're thinking that it's
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very valuable.
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It doesn't matter that it's been shoved
in the back of a closet for 10 years.
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You pull it out and we
naturally, human nature,
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we inflate the value of it.
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And so that's one main
reason, the endowment effect.
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And there's two other reasons too.
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So I want to first talk through the
three reasons why we have a hard time
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parting with stuff,
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and then we'll talk about how we can flip
the script so we can actually get rid
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of this stuff once for all. So
another reason is sunk-cost biased.
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Once we've put money into something,
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it's very difficult for us to
acknowledge that it was a poor purchase,
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that maybe it's not worth
as much as we thought,
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especially I see this a lot with
clothing, especially if it's name brand,
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that we buy something and it just
doesn't fit like we had hoped.
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We thought it was going to be great,
look really good on us, be trendy,
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and we put it on and we're like,
nah, I need to lose a couple pounds.
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Maybe if I take it in a little, Oh,
I just always have to adjust it.
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And so we end up with these things
in our closet that we spent money on,
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and the only way we can in our head
rectify it that it makes sense,
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is to keep it and
someday actually wear it.
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The problem is we know someday never
comes. We're creatures of habit.
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We just throw on the stuff that
fits. That's what we go to.
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But inevitably we go to simplify our
closet and there's these clothes in there,
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and we're like, Oh, but I paid
money for it, right? Sunk-cost bias.
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It happens to all of us. You're not alone.
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The last thing is that we've been
taught not to be wasteful and to value
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things that were other people's. So,
especially with sentimental items,
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we feel a responsibility to take care of
things that have been passed down to us
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that were someone else's,
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that the responsibility is being
passed onto us to care for this
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item and to use it to
remember that person.
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And so it feels very
wasteful or irreverent if we
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get rid of something that
was passed down to us,
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or that we see as some kind of heirloom
or artifact or something that has value.
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It could be something from a
souvenir from a trip that you took,
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something that you bought that
was someone famous. I mean,
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it comes in many different forms,
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but at the root of it is this feeling
of responsibility to either not be
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wasteful or to remember and honor
the person whose it was before
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us.
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So we have these three different
things and I would propose too that
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it's further complicated by what's
going on in our life and how much
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emotional energy we have
to dedicate to this.
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So now that we've talked about all the
problems and why it's so hard to get rid
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of everything,
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let's talk about how we can
switch the questions that we're
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asking to make it much easier
to part with these things.
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So the endowment effect,
I have these coffee mugs,
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I think they're worth $5, but in
all reality, they're only worth $2.
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So instead of asking, what is this worth?
If I were to put it on Marketplace,
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what is it worth? We would
switch the question and ask,
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what would I pay for it if
I were to acquire it again?
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And what is so interesting about
question is that if I already have a
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cabinet full of coffee mugs,
usually the answer is, well,
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I wouldn't pay anything for it because
I don't need any more coffee mugs.
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And so the value can vary from
$0 or you might be like the other
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students and be like, well,
I would pay $2 for that.
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And this is helpful because now, instead
of looking at this like a $5.25 mug,
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I'm going to look at it like
a $2 mug. And that to me,
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it's easier to donate a $2 mug than it
is a $5 mug. I don't know about you,
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I'm very frugal and it's easier for me
to donate something that's worth $2.
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Or to be very honest and say, Oh
yeah, I wouldn't acquire it again,
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I wouldn't buy it again because I
really do not need any more mugs.
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And that helps then to be like,
I think I can just donate it.
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Or I think I could put it on Marketplace
for a dollar or two. Now again,
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does it make it perfectly easy and now
every decision in my house is so much
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easier because I'm just going to look
at the real value and not my inflated
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mental? No, it still takes practice.
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But I think you'll find that as you
do this a few times, it gets easier,
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especially if you're
asking the right question.
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Now let's talk about sunk-cost
bias. For most of this,
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this is about wasted money. It is, man,
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it is painful for our brains to think
about getting rid of something that we
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spent money on. It literally lights
up the pain center in your brain.
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So if it feels wrong and hard for you to
donate clothes that you paid money for
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and have never worn, it's literally
painful. So you're not wrong.
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So again, with this one,
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what we're thinking about when we're
thinking about donating and getting rid of
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the stuff we've spent money on is
we're thinking that we wasted money.
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And so what I want to encourage
you with this is to ask yourself,
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what am I wasting? And
if it's money, say okay,
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so I'm worried about donating this because
I don't want to be wasteful of money,
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but then to ask yourself,
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but what's actually the most
important commodity to me right now?
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It might be money, but it
might also be time, energy.
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I mean, I look at our kids, everyone's
like, Oh, kids, they grow up so fast.
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It goes so fast doesn't it? In
those first five years, I was like,
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these are the longest
five years of my life,
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I don't know what people are talking
about. But now that they're older,
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they're six through 11 and I'm
like, Oh my goodness, slow down.
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And so right now,
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the commodity that I'm worried about
wasting is time and energy with my
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kids. I don't want to be crabby with
them because my house stresses me out,
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right? I want to be present with them,
I want to have conversations with them.
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They ask really good and
fun questions right now.
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I want to spend time with them.
I want to learn stuff with them.
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And so right now, for me, the commodity
that I'm worried about wasting is time.
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So then when I come back over here,
I'm like, okay, I have these clothes,
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I spent money on them, I'm not
wearing them. I say, you know what?
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I want to cut my losses right now because
I don't want to manage those things
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anymore. And I don't want to feel
guilty every time I look in my closet.
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Another commodity is peace of mind.
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This clutter for many of us
causes us to feel anxious,
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to feel a little bit on edge in our own
homes. And so I look at it like, okay,
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well I could waste money,
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but that's also costing me my
peace of mind to keep that stuff.
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So which is worth more right now? Again,
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that's a decision you have to make
for you, I can't make that for you.
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But for me, right now for this season
of life, I'm voting time, energy,
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peace of mind over money.
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And so again, it's flipping that.
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And we have a printable
that goes along with this,
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so I'll link to that down below,
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because I think it's one thing to nod
along with the video and be like, yeah,
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that makes sense. But then we
get to the closet and we're like,
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what was it again? What am I
supposed to be asking myself?
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So I have a printable that
I'll link to down below.
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And then the last thing is
sentimental stuff, artifacts,
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things that we feel that we
need to preserve and archive and
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memorialize, most often for other people.
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And so what I would propose here,
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instead of holding up an item and
saying, okay, this was my grandma's,
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should I keep it? Should I not keep it?
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I would step back from all of the stuff
that was passed down from your grandma
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or your mom or your sibling or your
late spouse, and I would say, okay,
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how do I want to honor this person?
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What was important to them?
What do I remember about them?
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And to first ask ourselves
that question and then say,
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okay, of all of this stuff
that I have of theirs,
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what reminds me of that, of them?
What piece is really special?
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What was their most favorite
piece? And I want to pick that out.
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So I want to pick out the pieces that
I want to use to honor and remember
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them from the massive stuff. I don't
want to just go through each item.
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I want to pick out those special
pieces that remind me of them.
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That feels so much better. And
I do keep a few physical things.
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I've talked about my
grandma's red tablecloth,
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and I love it because that specific
item reminds me of my grandma.
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It reminds me of holidays at her house,
and when I see it, it makes me happy.
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And so I think that's the perfect
way for me to remember my grandma.
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I also have a framed picture of her
that I really love, but beyond that,
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I didn't need other stuff and
physical items that were hers,
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but I don't remember her by,
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that I could let that stuff go and really
pick the way that I wanted to remember
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her. And so I think it's kind of taking
a backwards approach and saying, okay,
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I want to pick out the
very special pieces,
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I want to find a place of
honor for those in my home,
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and then I feel like it makes it a
little bit easier to let the rest go.
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Now again, is it going to
make it like, Oh, super easy,
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now I'm just going to breeze through
all this stuff? It might not,
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but that's why we spend
more time together, right?
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I hope you subscribe so that we
can spend some more time together,
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that you can watch
other videos on it. It's
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kind of funny to me when
people are like, Oh,
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I have you on the background while
I'm doing this, because I'm just like,
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to think about being in other people's
homes while you're decluttering,
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because I just, I'm like, Oh,
I hope I say the right things,
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what if I say something wrong?
But, if that's helpful to you,
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it makes me so happy.
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Like that really feels special to
me and I'm so grateful for that.
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So I hope that we can spend more time
together so we can walk through these
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things together because it would be
nice if it was just super cut and dry,
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and it was like, Oh, I'll just get rid
of the stuff, I'm not using it, Oh,
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it's gone. But unfortunately,
often it's not that easy,
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so I want you to know that you're not
alone if this stuff has felt hard.
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But I do hope if we can switch
these questions around a little bit,
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ask different questions,
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that you might find yourself being a
whole lot more successful. So I love you,
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I hope you have a really good day and I
will definitely look forward to seeing
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you again soon.
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