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Palmada: Alternativas - Disciplina Positiva - Paizinho, V铆rgula! - YouTube
Channel: Thiago Queiroz - Paizinho, V铆rgula!
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Hi, my name is Thiago,
I am a father and...
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since we shouldn't hit
our children,
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how can we make them obey us?
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How do you do it?
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[jingle tema]
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A little while ago I made
a video about hitting children,
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by the way I want to thank
everyone for commenting so much,
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and sharing their stories
about moms and dads
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who went through violent childhoods
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but managed to break free
of this cycle of violence
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when raising their children.
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But a number of comments there
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were people asking for help, like:
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"Yeah, alright. Okay, you convinced me,
hitting them is not okay, but...
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"What do I do now then?"
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So the idea behind this
video is to be a part two,
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and to show some alternatives
to what we can do
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so we can raise our
children without violence,
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educate them without coercion
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and without using shame
or humiliation.
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But first let's go over some notices.
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First: Do not forget,
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if you haven't subscribed to
the channel yet, please do it,
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you will help me immensely.
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Just click the button
down here that says "Subscribe"
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and also don't forget to
click on the little bell,
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that is over to the side,
it activates notifications
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this will help you and me both,
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because every time we
put up a new video
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you will be notified,
and won't miss it.
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Mmmkay?
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The other one is that
on April 30th I'll be in Curitiba
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having a big meeting
on positive discipline.
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Do not let it pass up,
it will be a nice meeting,
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with very rich exchanges.
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So don't forget, April 30th,
that's a Saturday,
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I'll be in Curitiba and
it'll be awesome.
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Now back to the subject,
I believe that there are
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two basic reasons why someone
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would hit their children.
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The first is that they
believe in this method
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as an effective way
to educate their kids.
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And the second one is that
they don't believe that
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it is the best way
to educate a child,
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but used that resource in a
situation that got out of control,
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maybe because they were too
stressed out with every-day life.
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So today I will focus on
this second reason,
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since the first one,
people who believe that it's
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a good method of educating children,
I kind of already went over in the previous video.
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Today I'll try to give you
some practical examples
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to show you that it is
actually possible,
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that there are solutions
that we can use
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to solve day-to-day problems
without resorting to violence.
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The first example is:
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"My child always gets angry
and hits me, hits his brother
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"and the only thing
I can do is to hit him."
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Well, I think we first
have to deconstruct this.
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How do you want to teach
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your children not to hit
when he gets angry,
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if you, when you get angry
hit him to teach that?
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Get it? Leading by example
is very important
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when educating our children
and if we don't think
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about what we're doing,
what we're showing
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them on how we can
resolve conflicts,
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we will get stuck
in this loop forever.
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So what are the alternatives to this?
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We have some, the first
is to have some agreements.
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One thing I always do here with Dante,
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not with Gael because
he just completed one year,
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but with Dante I do it
all the time.
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When he gets out of control
and hits, I say:
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"Son, don't do that, that's not what
we agreed upon, our rule is 'we do not hit'."
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And I always ask him:
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"Son, what is our rule?"
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And he says:
"We do not hit."
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Then reinforcing it and
always saying "We do not hit."
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we can give him an alternative
to solve that problem,
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so if he's angry, I say:
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"Son, are you very angry,
upset, are you mad?"
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And then you can
redirect it to something else,
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like the famous roly-poly toy pirate
you saw in the previous video on aggression.
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Or you can pick a special cushion
or pillow and say:
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"Son, are you angry because of that?
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"Hit the floor with your cushion,
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"throw it to the ceiling,
unleash your anger on it!"
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But we have to make it
very clear to them
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that those are the channels
for unloading aggression,
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the roly-poly toy, the cushion,
and that they're not another one
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and he can hit his friends,
his mother, his father
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and also the roly-poly toy.
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Then make sure the rule is clear:
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"Son, over here we don't hit,
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if you want to hit,
you can hit the roly-poly toy."
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And something else are the reminders
that we should always give them
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because it is very important
to reinforce the behavior
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that we want
to see in our children.
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So if he assaults, if he beats,
if he gets physical
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and uses his body
to express what he's feeling
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I always intervene and say:
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"Son, listen, remember that
we do not use hands here
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"to do this, we use our mouth."
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"Use your mouth, use words
to say what you are feeling."
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"Do not use your hand, use words."
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And then over time, as they grow up
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you'll notice that they
begin to express
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more clearly what
they're feeling:
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"Ahh, I'm very angry,
I don't wanna talk now,
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"I don't want you here,
I wanna be alone!"
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Then you begin to encourage the child
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to have more contact and awareness
of what is happening to their body.
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The second example is:
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"My son doesn't eat,
he never wants to eat
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"unless I force him to."
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Seriously?
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Is this the kind of relationship
you want your kid to have with food?
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You want to associate an activity
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that should be pleasant and enjoyable
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with a moment of threat,
fear and even pain?
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That's not what we should aim for,
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we have to try to understand
the reason why that child
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doesn't want to eat at that time
or in that way.
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It might simply be the fact that
they're not hungry at that time.
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We can't tell our children
when they should be hungry.
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If it's every 3, 4 hours, we can't.
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They're much more connected to their own bodies
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and they themselves know
when they're hungry and when they're not.
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In those cases something a lot better
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than threatening them is to simply listen
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to what they're saying,
so if they say they're not hungry, you say:
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"Okay, you're not hungry, your dinner is served."
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We do this with Dante.
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"You're not hungry now, it's okay, no problem."
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"We'll put your dinner
in the fridge and when you're hungry
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"we'll heat it up and you eat it."
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And that's what happens.
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But, of course, you're not
gonna let them eat cookies,
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or chips, or some junk food,
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and let them fill their stomachs,
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so they can have dinner
when they're actually hungry.
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Something else that
can positively influence this
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is changing their dinner,
so you need to check
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if they're not in a mood
for, I don't know, carrots;
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So you can try to make them
try out something else.
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Or you can also try to change the environment,
that's something that works well too.
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Sometimes that hot place in the kitchen corner
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might be a little scary for children.
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Try somewhere else! Go to the living room,
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just, please, don't turn on the TV,
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there's no need to have it on,
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just go somewhere
more quiet and cooler
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where they'll feel more comfortable
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and are more likely
to have a more pleasant experience.
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What really matters in all of this
is the thought that children
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should develop a healthy
and pleasant relationship with food
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and not one based
on fear or something like:
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"Damn, it's lunch time..."
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Let's try to, even if they don't eat
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exactly what you think they should eat,
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the 5 types of whole grains
and 20 vegetables you put in their plate,
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even if it's less, something more restricted,
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at least know that they're
eating and having fun while doing so.
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Third example is one that happens a lot.
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"My son defies me,
he mocks and provokes me
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"and I have to show him who's the boss."
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Is that really how it should be?
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I think that one of the
things I learned with paternity
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was to not take things personally.
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And that's an important lesson,
because we always tend to
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take it personally when
our children answer us in a cross way,
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or when they say they don't wanna talk to you
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when he rejects your lap,
when they wanna be alone.
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We think all of this is about us
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but it's not, it's all about our children.
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It's not personal, they're not saying it to provoke me,
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he's saying it because he has a need
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behind that behavior that needs help
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and not a resentful dad
that feels his pride was wounded, you know?
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And there's something else:
no one controls anyone else.
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You'll never control your kids,
you might think you do
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when you threaten them
but you'll never truly control them
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and the sooner you realize
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that you have no control over them
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the less you'll suffer and feel frustrated.
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Not to mention that respect
is one thing and fear is another.
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Does your kid truly respects you
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or are they just scared of what you might do?
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And what do you want your long-term
relationship with them to be built around,
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respect or fear?
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This relationship based
on respect can only be built
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based on example, when it's a two-way street,
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you respect your child,
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they feel respected and are
invited to respect you back.
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So going back to the matter of lack of self-control,
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when the kid does something
that is despised by their father,
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they're not the one "asking" for a beating
it's not their wrongdoing that, like:
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"Oh, they're asking for it,
this deserves a beating!"
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No, we are the ones asking
for it, who need it.
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Not in a literal sense, of course,
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but we need to get rid of it someway,
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the frustration, the offense we feel
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for being provoked by our children,
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we need to get rid of it
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and it's usually by beating them.
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So this one is actually
the same as the first example
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from the start of the video, remember?
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The child that had no self-control,
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that got mad and
hit their mom is now 30
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and when irritated, hits their kids.
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The advice for that case is the same for you,
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find a place where you can calm down
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before you do something you'll regret.
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Get away from everyone,
lock yourself in the bathroom
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or go to your bedroom and
punch a pillow, or scream at it.
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That will help you put
the aggressiveness out,
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and in a healthy way,
you won't need to put it out
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on your own kids.
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When we're out of balance
we tend to lose control.
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And when this lack of self-control happens,
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things tend to come back,
things from your past,
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from your childhood get back
to you in those few seconds.
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Specially if you went through a traumatic,
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violent childhood, that comes back to you
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like a shadow and the only thing
you seem to be able to do
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is exactly the same things
that were done to you when you were a child.
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So it's important that we seek this balance
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and ask for help to get our self-control back
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and manage to effectively
stop this cycle of violence.
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So I think that it's a quest, you know,
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not something you'll solve right away,
it's a quest, a journey.
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Each one of us has their own journey
through our maternities and paternities.
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So it's not a matter of something, like:
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"I'll solve this aggressiveness issue
and never hit my son again!"
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You can have that as an ideal,
but there will be moments when you lose control,
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moments when you lose your balance
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and cause you to make those mistakes again.
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And these moments are
your best opportunities
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to show to your children
that you're human too,
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that you make mistakes, and you'll make
a lot of mistakes, maybe as much as them.
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And it is during these times,
through reconciliation
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that we reconnect to our children,
stronger than ever,
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and show them how regretful we are,
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how much we would've preferred
not to have had that attitude
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and how we can fix our mistakes.
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And that's useful for them to learn
how to deal with similar problems in their lives.
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On the other hand, if these moments
of lack of self-control and balance
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happen more than you think they should,
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maybe that's an indication
that you might have
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unsolved issues from your childhood
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or that you everyday life is overwhelming you.
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No matter what the cause is,
that's a sign that you need professional help.
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And when we begin to seek help
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and recognize our need for help,
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we can already start to improve
our relationship with our children.
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[theme jingle]
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Well, that's it, I hope you liked it,
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I hope this video gave you more
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alternatives about this issue
than the previous one.
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If anything is missing,
don't forget to add a comment,
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if you enjoyed the video, don't forget
to like it and subscribe to the channel.
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And also, very important, if you can
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and would like to help me
keep doing this independent work,
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you can contribute financially through my Patreon.
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Want to know a bit more about that?
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Just take a look at the links
in the description, it's all there.
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Until next time and bye bye!
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