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How to Pitch Logistics Services? (w/ Script) - 馃摟Cold Email Teardown馃摟 - YouTube
Channel: Alex Berman - Cold Email and B2B Lead Generation
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Today on cold email tear downs
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we'll be doing something
slightly different.
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I got this email from one
of you guys, Jason Denbo,
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who runs a transportation company.
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Using similar tactics that
we talk about in these videos
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he wrote this email,
but it could be better,
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so let's jump in and see
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how we can improve this email.
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Off the bat the subject line looks okay,
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Yeti and Orangedale Transportation.
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Some other ones he could
try is, About Yeti,
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or Question for Yeti,
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Hi from Jason.
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Any of these are fine
subject lines to try.
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Then we jump into the body of the email.
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Hi Justin, I'm a big fan
of the Yeti products.
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A couple of Christmases ago
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my wife got me the Yeti Rambler Koozie
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and now I have a ton of your products
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including your awesome cooler,
even though I don't camp.
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I run Orangedale Transportation
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and I'm in charge of making
your transportation life easier.
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So there's two parts to this,
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one is the customized first line
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and then the second is the pitch.
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Let's start with the
customized first line first.
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I would say that this is too long.
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It is customized, which is perfect,
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but it's too long.
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The big thing about this paragraph
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is it doesn't really flow together.
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I'm a big fan of the Yeti products, stop.
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A couple Christmases ago,
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my wife got this thing for me, stop.
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I run Orangedale Transportation
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and I'm in charge of making
your transportation life easier.
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Not connected, so I'll put
that to a new paragraph
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and I think the fix it just,
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couple Christmases ago
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my wife got me the Yeti Rambler Koozie
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and now I have a ton of your products,
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including your awesome cooler,
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obviously a huge fan of what you do.
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Something like that.
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Something that's more punchy,
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that they're gonna be
able to read quickly.
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What's so interesting
about all of this here
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is it doesn't really
matter compared to this.
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So I'd love to learn what
you're doing right now
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for your truckload transportation
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and see how Orangedale Transportation
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can help your business
operations run even better.
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So, business operations run even better,
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Is the kinda thing that he helps with.
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So I'm just gonna put
that way up at the top.
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And then, like we talked
about in a previous video,
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get rid you the I's and
change them to other things.
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So, would love to learn more,
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instead of I would love to learn more.
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So I'm just changing this around
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to fix the flow a little bit.
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I wanna turn some of these, like,
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multiple sentences into
one sentence if possible.
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And then I'm getting rid
of this pun intended,
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'cause it kinda slows
the whole email down.
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Sometimes with copy, people
get a little bit too clever
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when, ideally you just wanna communicate
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in the clearest way possible.
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And then just changing and tightening up
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some of this language.
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Okay so that's the
first part of the email.
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I think it flows a little bit better now.
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The other thing to talk about
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is the call to action here.
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If you're ready to move to a
new standard of transportation
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service, please get in
touch with me directly
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and I will set up a quick call.
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This doesn't make sense as an email.
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Maybe it makes sense as an ad,
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but please get in touch with me directly,
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you are in touch Jason,
you're sending an email
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directly to him.
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So, instead of this, make it a question,
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and direct it more towards the person.
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And then I'm not a big
fan of these extra lines.
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I think they stretch out emails
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and they're unnecessary.
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Jason, you can leave that in if you want,
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and I'm gonna remove it here.
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And the last thing I
wanna add to this email
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is some proof.
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I don't have a case study for them
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but if you have a case study,
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this is what you'd add here.
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So, our model puts you first
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and makes sure all of your
needs are taken care of
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since we know that transportation issues
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can grind companies to a halt.
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For instance, for this company we did this
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and we got this result.
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That's what we need to add to this email,
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then the call to action,
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and this is the email.
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If you found this interesting,
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feel free to like it,
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to encourage this type
of content on YouTube.
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Subscribe for more B2B sales training
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and if you need marketing support
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for your digital agency
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check out experiment27.com.
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Thanks.
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