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Why You Should Invest in Weed - Wanda Sykes - YouTube
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WANDA SYKES>> NOBODY LIKES
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TO ADMIT THEIR MISTAKES, MAN.
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NOBODY.
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THEN WE FIND ALL THESE ENRON
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GUYS, ALL THESE CEO'S ROBBING
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EVERYBODY BLIND, MAN.
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YOU KNOW, I TELL YOU, THAT STOCK
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MARKET, BOY.
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THAT'S WHY I GOT OUT.
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I GOT OUT THE MARKET.
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I CALLED MY BROKER.
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I WAS LIKE, "HEY, PUT ALL MY
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MONEY IN WEED."
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(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
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PRICE OF WEED NEVER GOES DOWN.
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THAT'S A REAL BLUE CHIP RIGHT
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THERE.
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(LAUGHTER)
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THESE CEO'S MAN, THEY JUST
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ROBBIN' PEOPLE, BOY.
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I HOPE THEY GET A LOT OF
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JAIL TIME, TOO.
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BECAUSE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THEY
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GET IN COURT, EITHER THEY PLEAD
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THE FIFTH OR THEY GO, "I DON'T
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RECALL."
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AND THAT'S ACCEPTABLE.
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THEY GET AWAY WITH THAT.
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I MEAN, THAT SHOULDN'T BE
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ACCEPTABLE.
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YOU KNOW, YOU ASK ANY WOMAN IN
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HERE, YOUR MAN COMES HOME,
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AND YOU BEEN LIKE, "EH, YOU BEEN
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CHEATIN' ON ME," AND HE GOES,
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"I DON'T RECALL."
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(LAUGHTER)
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YOU KNOW, AND THEN CONFERS WITH
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HIS BUDDY.
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"ONE MOMENT."
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(LAUGHTER)
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(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
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"NO COMMENT."
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(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
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SHOOT.
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YOU GONNA WHIP HIS ASS 'TIL HE
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GETS HIS MEMORY BACK.
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PUT UP WITH THAT.
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BUT THESE CEO'S, MAN,
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THEY RUTHLESS, BOY.
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YOU KNOW THEY AFFECTED LIKE
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MILLIONS OF LIVES.
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THEY HAD PEOPLE OUT THERE,
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THOUGHT THEY WAS GONNA BE ABLE
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TO RETIRE IN FOUR YEARS,
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AND THEN, THEY GOTTA WORK
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40 MORE YEARS.
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YOU KNOW, THEN YOU GOT PEOPLE
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WHO WERE RETIRED, AND THEY GOTTA
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GET BACK INTO THE WORKFORCE.
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YOU KNOW, WE ALL GONNA FEEL IT.
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YOU GONNA BE OUT THERE,
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RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC, SOME 80 YEAR
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OLD DUDE IN THE CARPOOL LANE,
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JUST MESSIN' TRAFFIC UP.
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(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
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YOU BASTARDS!
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I'M SUPPOSED TO BE FISHING!
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BUT THESE CEO'S, MAN, THEY--
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I MEAN, YOU BE THAT RUTHLESS,
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YOU A SCARY DUDE, MAN.
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I TELL YOU NOW, SHOOT, I WALK
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PAST A LITTLE GANG-BANGER,
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I DON'T EVEN BLINK.
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BUT IF I SEE A WHITE DUDE WITH A
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WALL STREET JOURNAL, I HAUL ASS.
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SHOOT.
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BEFORE I WALK PAST THE ARTHUR
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ANDERSEN BUILDING, I CUT THROUGH
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THE PROJECTS.
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(LAUGHTER)
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CUTTIN' THROUGH THE PROJECTS,
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YOU MIGHT JUST LOSE WHAT YOU
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HAVE ON YOU THAT DAY.
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I AIN'T NEVER BEEN MUGGED OF MY
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FUTURE.
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(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
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MARTHA STEWART.
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NOW, SHE'S IN TROUBLE WITH THE
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STOCK MARKET.
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INSIDER TRADIN'.
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YOU KNOW, WHICH I THINK IS
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UNFAIR, BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT?
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SHE'S RICH.
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RICH PEOPLE, THEY TALK TO OTHER
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RICH PEOPLE, AND THEY TALK ABOUT
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RICH STUFF.
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PLUS, WE ALL DO INSIDER TRADING.
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WE ALL ARE GUILTY OF IT.
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BROKE PEOPLE DO IT, TOO.
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JUST ON A DIFFERENT LEVEL.
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I HAVE COUSINS WHO WORK AT
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WAL-MART.
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THEY ALWAYS CALLIN' ME.
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"GIRL, DON'T BUY THERE TODAY."
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(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
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"UH-UH.
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NO.
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IT'S GOIN' ON SALE TOMORROW."
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(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
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"UH-HUH.
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YEAH.
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TWO FOR ONE.
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TWO FOR ONE.
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IT'S GONNA SPLIT.
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IT'S GONNA SPLIT.
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YEAH."
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(LAUGHTER)
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CATHOLIC CHURCH, THEY IN
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TROUBLE.
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YEAH, I WAS DISAPPOINTED,
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BECAUSE I THOUGHT THE POPE WAS
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GONNA COME OUT AND JUST PUT HIS
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FOOT DOWN, YOU KNOW?
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JUST LAY THE LAW DOWN.
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JUST GET IN THEY ASS.
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YOU KNOW?
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THOUGHT THE POPE WOULD JUST STEP
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OUT THERE AND BE LIKE, "LOOK,
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YOU MOTHER-(BLEEP) GOTTA CUT
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THIS (BLEEP) OUT, ALL RIGHT?
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Y'ALL SOME DIRTY BASTARDS.
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I'M SICK OF YOU MOTHER (BLEEP).
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IF Y'ALL DO KEEP THIS (BLEEP)
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UP, YOU GONNA BUST HELL WIDE
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OPEN.
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I'M SICK OF YOU MOTHER (BLEEP).
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I'M--
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THAT'S IT, RIGHT NOW,
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YA' BITCH."
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(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
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AND HE SHOULD USE THOSE EXACT
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WORDS.
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(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
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BECAUSE WHEN YOU DO SOMETHING
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THAT WRONG: THE POPE SHOULD BE
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ALLOWED TO CUSS YOU THE (BLEEP)
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OUT.
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(APPLAUSE)
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BUT INSTEAD THE POPE AIN'T
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REALLY SAY TOO MUCH.
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YOU KNOW, HE KIND OF TOUCHED
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ON IT.
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THEN AGAIN, YOU KNOW, POPE
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GETTIN' KIND OF OLD.
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(LAUGHTER)
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ALL RIGHT, WHO WE FOOLIN'?
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THE POPE IS OLD, Y'ALL.
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THE POPE IS OLD.
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IT'S TIME TO START THINKING
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ABOUT PUTTIN' THE POPE IN THE
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OLD POPE'S HOME.
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I'M SORRY.
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AND THEN, THE MAN, HE CAN'T EVEN
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STAND UP STRAIGHT.
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THE POPE ALL DOUBLED OVER.
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AND THEN, THEY PUTTIN' THAT
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BIG OLD HEAVY HAT ON HIS HEAD
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AND ALL THOSE HEAVY ROBES AND
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STUFF.
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LIGHTEN THE MAN'S LOAD UP.
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GIVEN HIM A LITTLE BURGER KING
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CAP OR SOMETHING.
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HELP HIM OUT.
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YOU KNOW?
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(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
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HELP THE POPE OUT.
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INSTEAD OF ALL THOSE HEAVY
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ROBES, GIVE HIM A PAIR OF
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PAJAMAS.
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LET HIM WHERE A LITTLE TANK TOP
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AND SOME SHORTS OR SOMETHING.
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YOU KNOW?
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GIVE HIM SOME HOUSE SHOES OR
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SOMETHING.
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HELP THE MAN OUT.
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AND NOW, THE POPE GOT A
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HUNCHBACK.
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WHEN THE POPE GET A HUNCHBACK?
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NOW HE GOT A HUNCHBACK.
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YOU SEE THE BIG HUNCH ON HIS
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BACK NOW.
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THAT'S WHERE HE STORES ALL THE
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CONFESSIONS THAT HE HEARS FROM
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THE PRIESTS.
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UH-HUH.
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YOU DID WHAT?
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OH, LORD.
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OH-- OH, PLEASE, SHUT UP.
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OH, OH.
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OH, Y'ALL ARE KILLIN' ME.
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OH, I CAN'T HEAR NO MORE.
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MY HUNCH.
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OH, OH.
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THE BELLS, THE BELLS, THE BELLS.
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(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
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