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Dems Get Nowhere On Voting Rights | Census Bureau Heroes Blocked Meddling T**** Admin - YouTube
Channel: unknown
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WELCOME TO "THE
LATE SHOW."
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I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
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FIRST OF ALL --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
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THERE IT IS.
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THERE YOU ARE.
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HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY, EVERYONE,
HAPPY MARTIN LUTHER KING DAY.
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪♪
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♪♪
>> Stephen: IT'S A DAY IN
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WHICH WE ALL CELEBRATE
DR. KING'S LEGACY BY TAKING HIS
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WORDS OUT OVERCONTEXT TO MAKE IT
LOOK LIKE HE AGREES WITH
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WHATEVER WE'RE SAYING.
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AS KING HIMSELF SAID, YOU'RE
RIGHT, STEPHEN.
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( LAUGHTER )
THE U.S. SENATE IS MARKING
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DR. KING 'S BIRTHDAY BY DOING
WHAT THEY DO BEST -- NOTHING.
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DEMOCRATS HOPED TO SPEND THE
HOLIDAY PASSING MUCH-NEEDED
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VOTING RIGHTS LEGISLATION.
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TO DO THAT, THEY HAVE TO MODIFY
THE FILIBUSTER.
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BUT THAT DREAM DIED LAST WEEK,
THANKS TO ARIZONA SENATOR AND
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MRS. HAMBURGLAR, KYRSTEN SINEMA.
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LAST WEEK, SINEMA TOOK TO THE
SENATE FLOOR TO ANNOUNCE THAT,
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WHILE SHE VALUES VOTING, THE
FILIBUSTER IS HER FIRST LOVE:
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>> WHILE I CONTINUE TO SUPPORT
THESE BILLS, I WILL NOT SUPPORT
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SEPARATE ACTIONS THAT WORSEN THE
UNDERLYING DISEASE OF DIVISION
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INFECTING OUR COUNTRY.
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WHAT IS THE LEGISLATIVE
FILIBUSTER OTHER THAN A TOOL
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THAT REQUIRES NEW FEDERAL POLICY
TO BE BROADLY SUPPORTED BY
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SENATORS REPRESENTING A BROADER
CROSS SECTION OF AMERICANS?
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>> STEPHEN: NO.
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NO.
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NOT REPRESENTING A BROADER CROSS
SECTION OF AMERICANS.
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THE 50 SENATORS WHO ARE
CURRENTLY FILIBUSTERING THE
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VOTING RIGHTS BILL REPRESENT 41
MILLION FEWER AMERICANS THAN THE
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SENATORS WHO SUPPORT IT.
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STOP ACTING LIKE THE FILIBUSTER
IS ANYTHING OTHER THAN A
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--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
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STOP ACTING LIKE THE FILIBUSTER
IS ANYTHING OTHER THAN AN
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ANTI-DEMOCRATIC TOOL.
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WHICH IS ALSO A PRETTY GOOD
DESCRIPTION OF KYRSTEN SINEMA.
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND FOR THE RECORD, THIS IS WHAT
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MARTIN LUTHER KING SAID ABOUT
VOTING RIGHTS AND THE
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FILIBUSTER:
>> I THINK THE VAST MAJORITY OF
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PEOPLE IN THE UNITED STATES
WOULD VOTE FAVORABLY FOR SUCH A
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BILL.
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I THINK THE TRAGEDY IS THAT WE
HAVE A CONGRESS WITH A SENATE
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THAT HAS A MINORITY OF MISGUIDED
SENATORS WHO WOULD USE THE
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FILIBUSTER TO KEEP THE MAJORITY
OF PEOPLE FROM EVEN VOTING.
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THEY WON'T LET THE MAJORITY
SENATORS VOTE AND CERTAINLY THEY
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WOULD NOT WANT THE MAJORITY OF
PEOPLE TO VOTE, BECAUSE THEY
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KNOW THEY DO NOT REPRESENT THE
MAJORITY OF AMERICAN PEOPLE.
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IN FACT, THEY REPRESENT IN THEIR
OWN STATES A VERY SMALL
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MINORITY.
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>> STEPHEN: THE SAD THING IS,
DR. KING COULD MAKE THE EXACT
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SAME STATEMENT TODAY, AND IT
WOULD BE JUST AS RELEVANT, AS
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LONG AS HE MENTIONED WORDLE.
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( LAUGHTER )
SENATE DEMOCRATS AND THE
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PRESIDENT MET TO TRY TO GET
SINEMA AND HER OBSTRUCTIN' BUDDY
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JOE MANCHIN ON BOARD, BUT
AFTERWARDS, BIDEN DIDN'T SOUND
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TOO OPTIMISTIC
>> Y'ALL ASK QUESTIONS ABOUT
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COMPLICATED SUBJECTS LIKE, CAN
YOU GET THIS DONE?
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I HOPE WE CAN GET THIS DONE.
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THE HONEST TO GOD ANSWER IS, I
DON'T KNOW WHETHER WE CAN GET
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THIS DONE.
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IS THIS MIC ON?
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>> Stephen: OH, NO!
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OH -- OH, NO!
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THAT IS THE WEAKEST I'VE SEEN A
PRESIDENT LOOK, SINCE JFK'S
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INAUGURAL:
>> ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN
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DO FOR YOU.
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ASK, CAN YOUR COUNTRY DO
ANYHING?
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THE HONEST TO GOD ANSWER IS I
DON'T KNOW.
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IS THIS THING ON?
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HELLO.
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WHERE AM I?
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WHO AM I?
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MARILYN, HEAT UP THE TUB.
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I'M COMING HOME.
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SNOOT IT'S A BATH.
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IT WAS VERY COLD.
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>> Jon: I WAS COLD.
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YOU COULD SEE THE COLD COMING
OUT OF HIS MOUTH.
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( APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: ANOTHER PERSON WHO
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HAS A STRANGE WAY OF CELEBRATING
MARTIN LUTHER KING DAY IS
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INCOMING VIRGINIA GOVERNOR GLENN
YOUNGKIN, SEEN HERE AFTER BEING
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SWORN IN AS THE PENGUIN.
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( LAUGHTER )
ON HIS FIRST DAY IN OFFICE,
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YOUNGKIN SIGNED 11 EXECUTIVE
ACTIONS, INCLUDING ONE
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ENDING CRITICAL RACE THEORY IN
SCHOOLS.
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WHICH, FOR THE RECORD, IS NOT
TAUGHT IN VIRGINIA SCHOOLS, BUT
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THAT YOUNGKIN CATEGORIZES AS ANY
SCHOOL LESSONS THAT DEFINE
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RACISM AS AN INSTITUTIONAL
PROBLEM DEEPLY EMBEDDED IN
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AMERICAN SOCIETY.
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SO, HISTORY.
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AFTER SIGNING IT, YOUNGKIN
RETURNED TO THE EXECUTIVE
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MANSION IN RICHMOND THAT WAS
BUILT IN 1813 BY
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( HAWAIIAN MUSIC PLAYS )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
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>> Stephen: OKAY.
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THE NEXT DAY, YOUNGKIN HEADED
OVER TO FOX NEWS SUNDAY AND USED
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MARTIN LUTHER KING TO DEFEND HIS
ANTI-KNOWLEDGE AGENDA:
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>> AND THE IMMORTAL WORDS OF DR.
MARTIN LUTHER KING RING IN OUR
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EARS THAT WE MUST JUDGE ONE
ANOTHER BY THE CONTENT OF OUR
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CHARACTER AND NOT THE COLOR OF
OUR SKIN.
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THIS IS WHAT WILL BE THE
FOUNDING PRINCIPLE OF OUR
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EXECUTIVE ORDER, WHAT WE'RE
GONNA DO IN VIRGINIA SCHOOLS.
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>> STEPHEN: YOU THINK MARTIN
LUTHER KING'S MESSAGE TO AMERICA
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IS, "DON'T TEACH CHILDREN ABOUT
RACISM?"
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LET'S SEE IF HE AGREES.
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KING SAID, WHITES, IT MUST
FRANKLY BE SAID, ARE NOT PUTTING
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IN A SIMILAR MASS EFFORT TO
RE-EDUCATE THEMSELVES OUT OF
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THEIR RACIAL IGNORANCE.
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IT IS AN ASPECT OF THEIR SENSE
OF SUPERIORITY THAT THE WHITE
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PEOPLE OF AMERICA BELIEVE THEY
HAVE SO LITTLE TO LEARN.
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>> STEPHEN: WOW.
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT SOUNDS LI
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LIKE --
THAT SOUNDS A LOT LIKE CRITICAL
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RACE THEORY.
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GLENN YOUNGKIN SHOULD STOP THEM
FROM TEACHING ABOUT THAT GUY IN
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VIRGINIA SCHOOLS.
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BUT IT'S NOT JUST YOUR VOTES
REPUBLICANS DON'T WANT TO COUNT.
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IT'S ALSO YOU.
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WE JUST FOUND OUT THAT CENSUS
OFFICIALS WROTE A MEMO IN 2020,
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COMPLAINING OF UNPRECEDENTED
MEDDLING BY THE FORMER
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PRESIDENT'S ADMINISTRATION IN
THE 2020 CENSUS.
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IT MAKES SENSE.
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THE LAST GUY DOESN'T LIKE
COUNTING ANYTHING: COVID
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INFECTIONS, POUNDS ON A SCALE,
ERIC AS HIS SON.
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( LAUGHTER )
THE MEMO DATES FROM THE FALL OF
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2020, WHEN THE ADMINISTRATION
WAS PRESSING THE CENSUS BUREAU
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TO END THE COUNT WEEKS EARLY.
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IF YOU END THE COUNT EARLY,
YOU'RE NOT DOING A CENSUS.
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THANK GOD THESE PEOPLE WERE
NEVER IN CHARGE OF A FIELD TRIP:
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(AS TEACHER)
OK, IS EVERYONE BACK ON THE BUS?
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ONE, TWO, BORED OF COUNTING.
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FLOOR IT.
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( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
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FINE!
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SHUSH!
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I'M DRINKING!
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QUIET!
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BUT IT WASN'T JUST MOVING UP THE
DEADLINE.
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THE ADMINISTRATION WAS ADAMANT
THAT, FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER,
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THE BUREAU SEPARATELY TALLY THE
NUMBER OF UNDOCUMENTED
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IMMIGRANTS IN EACH STATE, AND
HAD A FAR-REACHING PLAN TO SCOUR
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BILLIONS OF GOVERNMENT RECORDS
FOR HINTS OF FOREIGNERS LIVING
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HERE, ILLEGALLY OR NOT.
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OOOH-- SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY WAS
IN THE MARKET FOR A FOURTH WIF
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( LAUGHTER )
BUT THEY DIDN'T WANT TO ADD
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THOSE IMMIGRANTS TO THE CENSUS,
THEY WANTED TO EXCLUDE THEM,
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LEAVING AN OLDER AND WHITER
POPULATION BASE IN STATES WITH
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LARGE IMMIGRANT POPULATIONS,
SOMETHING THAT WAS PRESUMED TO
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WORK TO REPUBLICAN ADVANTAGE.
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EXCLUDE THE IMMIGRANTS AND
INCLUDE AS MANY OLDER, WHITE
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AMERICANS AS POSSIBLE.
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A PROCESS WHICH WEDDING BANDS
REFER TO AS
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"PLAYING A BILLY JOEL SONG."
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( LAUGHTER )
♪ SLOW DOWN YOU CRAZY CHILD ♪
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♪ YOU'RE SO AMBITIOUS FOR A -- ♪
I LOVE BILLY JOEL.
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THE CENSUS BUREAU PUSHED BACK
HARD, TO THE POINT WHERE ONE
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EXPERT SAID THEIR EFFORTS TO
PROTECT THE INTEGRITY OF CENSUS
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OPERATIONS WERE NOTHING SHORT OF
HEROIC.
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YES, AMERICA WAS SAVED BY THE
LATEST SUPERHERO ADDITION TO THE
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M.C.U. --
CENSUSMAN!
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HE WAS A NORMAL FATHER OF THREE
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RADIOACTIVE ACCOUNTANT.
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SPEAKING OF BUREAUCRATS, THE
C.D.C. UPDATED THEIR COVID
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GUIDANCE TO SUGGEST THAT
SCHOOLS CANCEL FOOTBALL AND
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BAND.
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BUT WITHOUT FOOTBALL AND BAND,
HOW WILL OUR KIDS LEARN THE
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LESSONS YOU CAN ONLY GET FROM A
FOOTBALL PLAYER STUFFING YOU
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INTO A CELLO CASE?
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( LAUGHTER )
SO FAR, SCHOOLS HAVE RESISTED
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THE GUIDELINES, SAYING THEY ARE
UNREALISTIC.
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ACCORDING TO ONE FORMER C.D.C.
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ADVISOR: YOU'VE GOT NERDS,
LITERALLY SCIENCE NERDS, WHO ARE
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WRITING THESE THINGS.
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ALSO EXPLAINS THIS GUIDANCE FROM
THE WEBSITE:
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AVOID HIGH-RISK ACTIVITIES SUCH
AS EYE CONTACT WITH THE PRETTY
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GIRLS, QUESTIONS ABOUT 'THE GAME
LAST NIGHT,' AND ANY CLASSROOM
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SITUATION IN WHICH YOUR BONER
MAY BE VISIBLE THROUGH YOUR
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DOCKERS.
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( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
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THAT'S A BRAND FLAME.
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CAPITAL D ON THAT DOCKERS.
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TM.
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TM.
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YOU CAN'T BLAME THE C.D.C. FOR
BEING CAREFUL, THOUGH.
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WE'RE LEARNING MORE ABOUT
LONGTERM COVID EFFECTS AND THEY
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ARE NOT GOOD.
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FOR INSTANCE, SCIENTISTS HAVE
DETERMINED THAT
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'COVID DICK' IS REAL.
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YES, BUT HE PREFERS TO BE CALLED
RON DESANTIS.
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( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF )
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU.
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>> Jon: OH!
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>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WOW!
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I REBOOTED YA WITH THAT JOKE!
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A STUDY FROM NOVEMBER FOUND THAT
MEN WHO CAUGHT COVID WERE ABOUT
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THREE TIMES AS LIKELY TO DEVELOP
A NEW CASE OF ERECTILE
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DYSFUNCTION AS THOSE WHO DIDN'T.
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OK, QUESTION: CAN I GET A FEW
MORE BOOSTERS JUST TO BE SAFE?
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( LAUGHTER )
DO THEY HAVE A PFIZER I.V.?
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SHOULD MY PENIS BE WEARING A
MASK?
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WITH BEST PRACTICES IS ALL I
WANT TO KNOW.
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LUCKILY, THE CONDITION
DOESN'T APPEAR TO AFFECT A HUGE
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PROPORTION OF MEN.
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OK, NOT GREAT FOR PEOPLE TRYING
COMFORT A STRUGGLING PARTNER--
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(AS PARTNER)
DON'T WORRY DARLING, THIS
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HAPPENS TO EVERY, WELL ACTUALLY
IT HAPPENS TO ALMOST NO ONE.
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THIS IS REALLY JUST YOU.
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( LAUGHTER )
THANKFULLY, MALE SEXUAL ISSUES
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CAUSED BY COVID CAN BE TREATED.
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ACCORDING TO ONE UROLOGIST, ALL
IT TAKES IS PENILE REHAB.
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( LAUGHTER )
AND TO GET THE PENIS TO REALIZE
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IT HAS A PROBLEM, YOU MIGHT NEED
A PENILE INTERVENTION.
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DEAR PENIS, IT MAKES ME SAD TO
SEE YOU LAYING AROUND DOING
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NOTHING.
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( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
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I WANT YOU TO GET HELP SO THAT
ONE DAY, TOGETHER, WE CAN GET
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BACK TO HEARING THAT BEAUTIFUL
SOUND: BOI-OI-OI-ING.
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( LAUGHTER )
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
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TONIGHT!
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MY GUEST IS SENATOR ELIZABETH
WARREN!
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BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I TELL
YOU EVERYTHING I KNOW ABOUT
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MODERN ROMANCE.
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING )
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